“Why, darling, are you certain that the human down there is the one you desire to marry?”

Shivers went down my spine as that single line came delicately out of the queen’s lips.

What the hell? What kind of twisted logic is this?

“Why, of course, mother! He is the only one who truly understands me; he is the only one who I confide in; he is the only one I will pour my mind, body, and soul into loving!”

…what?

“Well, if you use such passionate language like that, who am I to argue? Marry that human if it is your earnest desire, darling!”

…I have no words.

Should I just bite my tongue right now and commit suicide?

“Sweetheart, don’t you think you’re rushing things a little bit?”

Oh?! King, are you going to talk some sense into your mentally handicapped family members and publicly chastise your daughter for being an idiot in choosing a partner in marriage that nobody knows?

Maybe I won’t have to commit suicide after a-

“You would be missing out on two of the most marvelous joys in life if you are to get married now; the dating and engagement phase of a relationship!”

Nevermind, there is no hope. I might as well ready my mind for the strange feeling of having a detached tongue spazzing about in a bath of blood within my mouth.

“Ahem, your majesty, if I may interrupt.”

Hmm?

A skinny elf dressed in a dark green robe steps out of the shadows and stands next to the king’s throne while leaning forward as if to whisper into his majesty’s ear.

Why didn’t I notice that man before? Such a color as green would normally clash against white-gold color scheme of the hall and should have been easily recognizable to even the unobservant eye.

“Having her highness take on a human bride would make our kingdom appear to be in an alliance with the humans - a mistake that would draw us elves into their war with the dwarves.”

Ohhhh!!! Finally, someone with common sense!

Even though that green-robed elf looks so shady that you could probably buy drugs off of him in broad daylight, I think he might be the only mentally stable person amongst the four people before me.

As if agreeing with my thoughts, the staring eyes pinned on me turn towards one another and began murmuring softly in tones of doubt, confusion, and fear of war.

Hoh, it looks like this life isn’t a lost cause yet!

“Why, we can simply hold of their marriage until the war is over! After all, one cannot truly enjoy the happiness that is a relationship without dating and being engaged.”

What kind of man is this joker? Is he really a father and a king of an entire nation?

*Sigh~*

Interestingly enough, that sigh did not come out of my lips, but the green-robed elf instead.

“Your majesty, I do not believe that you are so naïve to not realize that, even as we speak, there are spies from other nations within our midst.

After this assembly is concluded, the spies will send letters to their respective countries and we will in turn receive both threats and alliance requests alike from the dwarven and human kingdoms.”

Preach, shady elf, preach!

Although, the room has been completely silent since the shady elf mentioned the existence of spies. Is it really alright for him to be so bold and upfront about a topic such as spies in the governing system?

“Is what you say true, Amir?”

*Crackle, crack~*

You can really tell someone is angry when ice spreads out from under their feet and coats everything within a five-meter radius.

Shit’s about to go down.

“If so, all we have to do is kill everyone in this room so that my daughter can enjoy her life freely, no?”

…I think I know where psycho bitch gets her psycho nature.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, now does it?

“Your majesty, your regrettably uncivil plan would only give the other nations an opportunity to plant even more agents within our country and start a rebellion that could potentially overthrow the current monarchy that has lasted for over twenty generations now.

No, it would be best to return this human back to his kingdom and wait patiently until the war is over before making any other… risky decisions.”

Yes, yes, yes! You, shady elf, are officially my most favorite person in this world!

Finally, an opportunity to be normal awaits!

No more stabbing, no more freezing, no more marrying any longer!

The king seems to be at a loss for words, the queen intrigued by the current situation, and the psycho bitch is currently on the brink of bawling her eyes out in an almost comedical manner.

Seriously, why the hell are you so attached to me? What did I ever do for you other than sitting and listening to your story?

“Then, your majesty, if you have no other words, I believe it is time to adjourn this meeting and return this human male back to his own kingdom.”

Huzzah! To normalcy I shall go!

“Wait just one moment.”

…

Queen. Please.

No.

“Why don’t we hear the human’s opinion on the matter?”

Well, la da diddly dee.

Hey five-year-old me, wanna take over?

If you have us killed, that’s fine.

If you make us look retarded, that’s fine too.

If you get us out of here, that’s absolutely bloody fantastic.

I don’t really care at this point.

Go wild. Go free.

Go be the me I never want to be.

Oki~!

Huhuhuhuhu… this power, this overflowing power!

It bubbles, it boils, it fills me to the brim with determ-

You don’t have time for an internal monologue, you imbecile! Get back on track!

Aww, I was about to get to the good part too.

Anywhoozels, what kind of doo-dad have we gotten into here?

“Well, human? What are your thoughts on the princess?”

Oooh! A question for me!

Princess, princess, princess…

Are they asking about the naked lady who was at the lake?

“Uhhh, she’s pretty! Her boobs are above average in size as well, so that’s a plus!”

Did I say that out loud?

Wooops! Well, it’s the truth though.

“I wonder if they’re big enough to milk though… can you even milk human boobs?”

Woopsies again! Why’s it so hard to think but not talk at the same time?

Still, at least I’m saying the truth.

“But, don’t even cows need to be pregnant to produce milk? Would the princess need a baby to make milk?”

Oooooh… why’s it so cold all of a sudden?

Ah, ice?

Where’d this stuff come from?

It’s making me…

…lose my…

…conci…

…ous…

…ness.