I dreamt that night. My father talked while I sat before him, listening obediently. Then I noticed that the light from outside was particularly bright that day. It looked so warm and inviting. I stole a glance out the open window and observed the green field around the manor. Father’s voice became noise in the background as I shifted my gaze upward towards the hills beyond our fief.

“Hal’s a pretty good guy. Not that I’d know anyone outside of the fief, ha, ha…”

Why did Eris sound so embarrassed to say that? Even I barely know anything about the rest of the world. Maybe I’m even more ignorant than her, spending my days confined in the manor. I have learned from tutors who’ve travelled across our kingdom. Some of them even hailed from other kingdoms. But their stories don’t touch me, me who will never venture beyond his own land.

“I just want her to have a proper choice!”

Maybe Hal realized that Eris’s ambitions went beyond choosing a man. Did he know I wouldn’t understand such a thing? Is that why he gave up on our argument? Even during such a thought, I felt jealousy. Jealousy that Hal had understood her so much better than me. I shouldn’t be surprised though; Hal would follow Eris’s selfishness just as easily as I did, of course he cared about her.

I slumped down in my seat. My father’s voice was all but gone, though I could still see him lecturing me from the corner of my eye. What was so great about my previous life? My fiancé hates me, and justifiably so. I betrayed my only friend. I study and study but in truth I’ve never cared about any of it. I just wanted to please my father.

“…You goddamned fool.”

I opened my eyes, only to be blinded by light. My body wouldn’t move and I still felt drowsy from eating those spirits.

“Everything’s ruined now! What did you do with them!?”

I cracked one eye open but it really was too bright out. Though, for an instant I was able to check my surroundings. I was lying at the entrance to the manor. The doors were wide open, letting sunlight flow freely into the entryway. In my drowsiness I began to panic. The light was going to destroy me!

“Stop moving, you’re fine now…”

They were right: my body wasn’t fading away at all. I made a third attempt and finally adjusted my eyes to the midday sun. Still squinting, I turned towards the source of the voice that had been berating me.

“Don’t just look up at me like an ox that fell asleep on the job. Tell me what you did with them?” Eris was kneeling next to me. This surprise would have normally caused me to jump to my feet but my body was still half-asleep.

“…Do you mean the spirits in this house?” I managed a question.

“What else?”

“I ate them.”

“…” Eris stared at me without saying anything. Then she stood up.

“Eris, wait! Don’t go!” I frantically struggled to sit up but my limbs refused to hold my weight.

“You don’t even know what you’ve done. Your body’s back to normal, right? I bet you’re going to insist we move forward with the wedding.” There was so much anger in her tone, I hardly recognized her. To me, Eris was always soft-spoken and cheerful. Was this side of her another thing she’d hid?

“What does it matter if I’m back to normal? Why did you want to turn me into a monster anyway?”

“Because if you were a demon then we couldn’t marry.” Eris looked away as she spoke.

“Then why did you care if I turned back? I’ve already heard your protest loud and clear. Do you really think I’ll pursue you after this?”

“If you won’t then that’s fine. We have nothing more to talk about.” She began to walk away but I wouldn’t let that happen.

“For some reason…I can look at myself from a distance now. Because of that I learned more about myself, and about you. I also have a good idea of why you were so concerned about those spirits.”

Eris stopped dead in her tracks. She glanced back at me but didn’t come any closer.

“Those spirits mentioned that a number of them were disappearing recently. I’m sure that you were the cause of that. Before I ate them, they said I was something completely different. A demon made with a different spell. I think that spell used the spirits of this mansion as ingredients.”

“That’s right, I used them to turn you into a monster.”

“But there were still nine left. What did you need those for?”

“That’s-” Eris started her excuse but I cut her off.

“I think you wanted to use them on yourself. Once you knew the spell worked on me then you could turn yourself into a demon.”

“Why would I want to do that!?” Eris shot back.

“To be free: moving quickly during the night, never tiring, only needing to feed off of people or other demons, it was all to escape your life in this fief.”

What was this? Eris reeled back in shock and if I was standing I would have done the same. I had the vague understanding that she had wanted to do more than just turn me into a demon. I also knew the spirits in that house were somehow involved in this process. After that everything suddenly came together in my head.

“There’s no way you’d learn sorcery just to turn me into a demon. Since you were visiting that mansion before I decided to marry you. You must have had another goal in mind.” Despite my own confusion, I kept talking. “You told me that you were jealous of me, until you learned that I was also bound to this land. Leaving this place is an impossible dream for a serf. So you were searching for a way to escape with sorcery.”

“William, I was-” Eris rushed over to me while I cut her off once more.

“Of course, I can’t tell if you planned on eating me after you transformed. Either way, I can understand why those spirits were in a hurry to make me eat them. They must have mistaken you for one of the owners of the mansion, or maybe they just hate all sorcerers. By getting rid of the remaining ingredients, they ruined your plan.”

“Did…” Eris looked at the ground and her hands balled into fists. “Did you really think I would have eaten you!?”

Outwardly, my facial expression didn’t change. For some reason it was difficult to change my face or my tone. However, on the inside I felt a burning regret. How could I have thought such a thing, let alone voice it out loud. This was the woman I admired more than any other. I would have never thought such a thing.

“…Oh.” I released a short laugh and then sighed. With a little concentration my hands reverted back to their shadowy forms and then quickly faded away in the light. “I’m still a monster I guess.”

Time passed quickly from there. Eris helped me move away from the entrance and I immediately felt my strength return. Sunlight wouldn’t kill me anymore but it was certainly dangerous. We stayed there for the rest of the day, avoiding the worried calls of the townsfolk as they searched on my father’s orders. Fortunately, no one would go near the mansion.

While we waited for the sun to fall, Eris told me all sorts of things. She told me how her parents pressured her to get closer to Hal. Why she felt that her talent was squandered in the fields. How she learned to read in secret with the help of travelling merchants. I listened to her talk about the kind of books that resided in this mansion. Even the nature of sorcery and demons.

Despite this being our second time alone together, I couldn’t enjoy it properly. I recognized the immense joy I felt in learning about her life but I was somehow detached from it. Could I only care so much now? I hadn't felt this way in my shadowy form. Suddenly everything seemed less important than before.

“That’s what happens when you merge with other demons.” When I vented my frustrations, Eris had an answer. “Eating them is one thing. You can break them down to their very essence and absorb that. However, you probably didn’t perform that step. Now they’re a part of your body and mind.”

“But I’m still me...?”

“You can merge with spirits while maintaining your ego. However, you’ll still be affected in some way. Maybe their experience is giving you a new perspective?”

“…I don’t like it.”

“Well that’s your own fault then.” Eris laughed. “Look, Will, I do feel bad about how things turned out. My original plan was to escape this fief as a demon, and if you wanted I would have taken you with me.”

“What about Hal?”

“He’s happy with his life here…” Eris looked away. “He told me so when I asked him to elope with me.”

Dulled feelings or not, that one still hit me hard.

“But I want to make things right. I’ve read most of the books here and they don’t have a method to turn you back to normal. Even so, there must be something out there that can make you human again.”

“And you want to travel the country searching for it?”

“It’s a win-win.” Eris showed me a cheeky smile. “You’d come too, of course. It’ll be similar to my original plan.”

“Except that I’m going home the instant you cure me.”

I hadn’t forgotten my father during this crisis. He sacrificed so much, changed so much just for me. I was the only one left for him. There was no way I could leave to start a new life somewhere else. I would succeed him as lord. Once again, I could feel that this desire had softened somewhat. Even so, it was still my greatest dream.

“I understand.” Her smile waned, but Eris extended her hand. “I promise I’ll turn you back to normal.”

I took her hand and kissed it.

“And I’ll stay by your side until then.”

Night fell and I rushed out to leave a message for my father while Eris stole some things from her house. I didn’t say anything explicit, just that I was safe and that I would return as soon as possible. When we reconvened at the mansion there was an unexpected guest.

“I held off on searching this place because I figured you two had a lot to talk about…” Hal scratched his head. He paced back and forth in front of us, probably trying to choose his words. “But this is getting out of hand.”

“We’re about to leave, you’re not going to change our minds.” Eris retorted.

“I know that. I’m just wondering how well you planned this one?”

“I have a plan.”

“How far is the next town?”

“There’s a small village a few days away, on foot.”

“No horses?”

“As if we could steal those. The whole town’s looking for us.”

“What about food?” Hal narrowed his eyes.

“I have enough for a week. Maybe more if we ration. Then we’ll have to find more.”

“Do you know how to find food on the road? What plants are safe to eat? What about when you get to a town, how will you make money?”

“I stole some.” I finally found a way into the conversation. “We should be fine for a while.”

“You probably took silver and gold coins right…you can’t use those in most places.” I nodded and Hal shook his head. “My family has horses and I know enough about plants. Plus, I can do physical labor if we need the money. So-.”

“I don’t need to hear you make a case for yourself.” Eris cut him off. “If you want to come just say so.”

This intrusion would have bothered the old me. Now, however, I was happy to have another friend to travel with. I really wasn’t myself anymore…is this because the spirits I ate were lonely?

Hal left and quickly returned with horses and a filled pack. We set out while the moon was still high in the sky.

“…So, for both personal and practical reasons…” I hesitated briefly, but this was for the best. “I think I should use a different name while we’re travelling.”

“Ok, what name did you have in mind?” Eris asked.

“Call me Ten.”

“Ten?”

“Please do.”

“I don’t really get it but sure.” Hal sighed.

“Hmm.” Eris put a hand on her chin. “Fine. We can’t really use your real name around here anyway.”

“Thanks, you two.” I found myself smiling. It was such a rare reaction now, so I tried to hold on to this warm feeling. Despite my efforts, in a few minutes my expression settled back into its native form.

Eventually the sun rose and I felt incredibly tired. Slumping forward, I clung to my horse's neck. It's fine...I told myself. My eyes fell shut but I wasn't worried. Those two were here after all.

Author Note:

This is the end of advent 1. I'll post the beginning of advent 2 next week.