Episode 13: "Unexpected Dream."

Alicia tossed and turned within her sleep. Her face scrunched up and tears streamed down her cheeks. "Come back...please come back..." she whimpered.

She watched her parents get further and futher away from her.

She opened her eyes. She swallowed the lump in her throat and sat up. She inhaled and then blew out. She shook her head in disbelief--denial. "No..." she said. "No!" she said again. She turned and grabbed a pillow from behind her and buried her face within it. She took a deep breath. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" she took another deep breath and screamed again. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

Christian jolted awake. He was off his sofa and in front of Alicia within seconds.

"Alicia!" he said.

She continued screaming frantically into the pillow.

"Alicia!" he gripped her shoulder.

He watched her shake her head and heard her sob.

It was only going for 10 pm.

He reached beyond her and switched on the lamp. "Alicia." He said. "What's wrong? What happened?"

"Nothing happened okay! Just...go away! Go away!"

"I'd love to. Except your frantic screaming woke me up out of my sleep. Now what went wrong? What is it? Even if you are an adult, you are under my roof, which makes me...partially responsible for you."

"NO!" she snapped her head up. "No! That is something that my parents...should be responsible for..." she breathed. Her lips quivered and she lowered her head, shaking it. "Why does it hurt so much! I shouldn't even care! They disowned me! Me!" she looked to him again. Their own daughter!" She looked away in anger.

"Have you been awake all this time thinking about that?"

"No. I had fallen asleep. I had a..." she frowned in disgust. "I had a dream about those people. It was nothing really tragic going on other than the fact that I could just feel them leaving me...they were leaving me all alone and I could feel this...darkness creeping up on me. You know the kind that...its the kind where you know something is there. It's just there. And you don't want to have any part of it. It's just a darkness that..." she shuddered. She sniffed. "Anyway, I guess that dream, coupled with the fact that I no longer have my parents, caused me to start having a panic, crying attack. I shouldn't care, like I said. But, hey, they're my parents." She looked to him.

Christian searched her eyes. She looked empty. Broken. Drained. He blinked and looked away. Thinking. He tried to think if he had ever been in her situation before. He had. But not like this. There was one time though where he felt the weight of his parents in anger and sorrow. He gave a bitter smirk. "There was one time I was where you were. Only I was too young to do anything about it at the time." He began.

Alicia sniffed, preparing to hear him speak.

"I remember me wearing this--what would be deemed cute for a little boy--suspender set."

Alicia began laughing.

He looked to her with a brighter smirk than before. "My mother decided to dress me in it. I was four."

"Aww."

"No, trust me, it was no 'awwing' moment."

"What happened?"

"Well, mostly nothing. I just remember me walking out into the garden and being very angry and very sad." Christian began to look around the room. "I didn't understand why, but I was where you were. Believe me. At the time I didn't know what I was feeling, but as I got older, I understood that feeling more. It was displacement, being disowned, for feeling that way anyway, and finally, grief. I was sad. I was sad because I didn't think my parents loved me. Not in the way I would have wanted them to." He looked to her. "Believe it or not my siblings had given me more love than they. Yet, they feel they can still tell me what to do, or how I should behave."

"Really?"

"Well not as much anymore, but my old man may try me. Mother, not so much. They look at me in wonder. As though they don't know what to do with me. They wonder about me just as aimlessly as I do with my life."

Alicia rose her eyebrows some.

"So I guess to help you, I can give you some pointers on what you may go through. Displacement, definitely. Your situation hasn't dawned on you yet, but it will. No matter how nice I may seem. You'll wake up one day, and wonder what you're doing here. You'll feel anger and regret. You may even hate me for a moment."

Another lump was forming in her throat as she didn't want to believe his words, but they were already coming true.

"Then you may get your new place and feel something similar. Not so much towards me, but you'll feel the weight of living on your own. Being alone. Then there's the anger and pain your parents are putting you through now. You may want to go back or you may not, but that'll sit with you for a moment. Probably for awhile depending on how close you were." He watched her.

She couldn't stare into his eyes for too long and looked down.

He thought about what she had said about not being able to have any children. His curiosity was eating away at him. He wondered what could have caused such a misfortune to befall her. She didn't deserve it in his eyes, that was for sure.

"This may not be the best time to bring this up, but, I was wondering, what caused you to not be able to have any children? Did something bad happen?"

She chuckled. "No." she looked to him. "Nothing in the sexual sense thanfully." She swallowed. "I had got an early period. At age eight. And every period up until I was twelve, and I say twelve because that's when I want into a blood induced coma, my periods, well, blood loss was just too much. My mother and I thought I just bled heavily and having gone to the doctors multiple times, everything checked out fine. But they had prescribed me iron tablets and told me to eat healthy to keep up my strength and it was just once a month, so they all thought it was no need for concern. So did I until I got my period on June 12. I remembered that day exactly because I had gotten out of bed feeling really whoosy. The cramping started soon after and mind you when I got my cramps it was on the level of childbirth everytime."

Christian smiled some and nodded his head. He would never have any idea what it would be like to give birth or have cramps. And he didn't want to.

Alicia laughed a little herself. "Yeah, they were on the level of childbirth, or so I say because I'll never know what that's like, ha-ha." She took a breath and blew out. "But anyway, I had gotten up, did my thing. The cramps came and all throughout the day, that whoosy feeling just stayed with me. Since my cramps rendered me immobile, my mother would always take off a couple days to monitor me. Good thing she had taken off that day, otherwise they would have come home and found me dead."

"What happened?" He asked.

"I passed out. I passed out right on the way to the kitchen." she said. "I remember me calling out for my mom, telling her that I didn't feel so good, and then I was out. Like a light." Alicia recalled her past.

Christian saw a faraway look come into her eyes.

"Everything else is a blur." She said. "At times I'd wake up in blinding lights and pain. The next time I came to, where I was fully aware of my surroundings, I was recovering from surgery. I had learned but didn't really understand what my parents and the doctor were telling me. That while I would still have periods, because I would release more than one egg every month--that's what caused all of this...medical drama--and to alleviate that for my health and everyone else's sanity, I had to have my tubes tied. It would obviously stop the multiple egg releases, but in the process, any sperm as well."

"Hm." Christian said.

"Mind you I was twelve at the time. So I knew what sex was and reproduction and all that, but it didn't really dawn on me that I couldn't have children till I was a little older. Fifteen and sixteen years old. At first I thought, 'Well hey! I can't have children! Whoever I'm with we can have all the lovemaking we want and don't have to worry about a thing! I don't have to go through any childbirth pains! Or bills! I'm a free woman with no responsiblities but my own!'." Alicia smiled to herself. "That all shattered one day when I was at the park. I had decided to go because it was such a pretty day out and I was like, 'Why not?'.

"I had walked around a bit, before that lonely crowd crept up on me and I decided to sit. I sat and I watched the people come and go. Now some had children with them while others didn't, but it wasn't until I saw one mother pick up her son and twirl him around in the air some. She had a smile that only a mother could have and that's when it really struck me that 'Hey? I can't have that.'." She looked to him. "I can never have that. I don't even have the option to say 'Hey? Maybe I would want that? Maybe I would like children one day'. That choice for me, that possibility for me is gone. Gone forever and no matter how hard I cry over it, and sob over it, and think 'Why me?', it won't change a thing." Alicia looked around the room. "I can conjure up fantasies and make-believe, but..." she shrugged her shoulders. "It won't happen. It never will."

"So what will you do in place of not having a family?"

"You know, for someone who says they don't like, or rather don't like to think ahead, or toward the future, you sure do for me."

"Just curious. As you said earlier, in regards to your parents, even me, it's not us that has to go through it. Its you. You have to wake up every morning and live with that. I have to wake up every morning and live with what I am."

"Psht." Alicia rolled her eyes. If she had even half of what he possessed perhaps things would be a bit easier.

"Its easier, I'll admit on some things. Getting money. Cars. Being immuned to all sicknesses. Possiblly even death. But that's my life, Alicia. And its not one I look forward to every day. It's not one I'd wish on anyone."

"You think it be easier if you were just one race?"

"No. The way I am. The way that I think. I think it be very hard, at least with my current mindset on being content with either."

"Hm." She said. She nodded and swallowed, realizing how thirsty she was. "I'm thirsty."

"I'll get you something." He said getting off the bed.

"No prompting me to get it myself?"

"It's late for one and I don't quite give you free reign to go in and out of my refrigerator yet."

"Oh my gosh!" Alicia rolled her eyes. "It's not like I'm going to steal something!"

"No, you're not." He grinned at her as he left out the room.

She shook her head. "Oh!" she fell back and stared up at the ceiling. She began replaying their conversation over in her head. Her not being able to have children. Her parents. His parents. His life and how much easier it seemed than her own. Her life and how little she had compared to him. She shook her head and turned it to her left.

10:45 p.m. She stared at the time. Was it only that?

Christian came back with a glass of lemonade.

"Thank you." She said, sitting up.

"You're welcome." He said, watching her drink.

She swallowed and placed the near finish glass down on the nightstand by her.

"Uh-uh." He said.

"Uh-uh?"

"Coasters. They're some in the drawer."

"Oh." she said. She turned and began to reach for the drawer but Christian pulled it out for her.

"Thanks." she said.

He pulled out a plastic round coaster.

She took it and placed her glass upon it. "Better?" she looked to him.

"Better." He said.

"Is it the bartender in you? Or are you just naturally neat?"

"I'm just naturally neat."

"Hm." she nodded. "Well, I guess its time for me to go back to sleep. Tomorrow should be fairly busy."

"You have it all planned?"

She nodded. "Change phone providers. Go shopping around for some stuff. Open a bank account."

"Pick out clothing in the brochure."

"Yes, pick out clothing from the brochure. I've done that already."

"Really? Let me see."

"Not tonight."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not in the mood to go over it."

"What's there to go over? It's just oufits?"

"Nope. Don't have the nerves for it."

"Nerves--very well." He ended that conversation. "If you are feeling all better, I would like to retire myself."

"Go ahead. I'm not stopping you."

"I know you're not. But you're not in the healthiest condition either."

"I'll survive." She said.

He stared at her for a moment before giving her a nod of his head and a small grin. "That you will, Alicia. Good night."

"G'night." She said.

He reached beyond her and turned off the light, his cologne drifting into her nose.

"Thank you." she said, laying down.

"Want me to tuck you in?"

"Shut up!" she laughed.

He chuckled himself. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Mhm. Morning." Alicia closed her eyes and held the covers close to her.

Christian kept the smirk on his face as he got up and walked toward the door. He placed his hand upon the knob and began to close the door when he stopped and looked back at her.

Alicia slammed her head down on the pillow. Idiot! Did you have to be watching him walk out! Now he caught you!

He chuckled and closed the door behind him.

Yes. She told herself. Yes she did have to watch him walk out. She'd have to watch his every move because it would be impossible not to fall for a guy like Christian. It would be foolishness not to right?

She shook her head. She didn't intend on falling for him. She wouldn't. Not unless it was genuine and everything flowed naturally. That's the only way real love blossomed anyway.

She closed her eyes and began to think about what her first plan of action would be tommorow.