Welcome to Planes of Oblivion

I open my eyes, and I'm immediately slammed with a wave of exhaustion. I waver, head sinking, before I shake myself. Blinking sleepily, I look to either side, Koru and Azra resting their heads on my lap as they sleep. I sigh, and pull up my stream chat to focus on that for a while.

We end up trading off sleep shifts twice throughout the night, once more getting everyone the bare minimum of rest to keep us on our feet, since we keep getting ambushed and have to fight off monsters before trying to get back to sleep. It's reaching mid-morning by the time we're able to move again. We're slowly but surely making our way east now. The process is pretty painful. Every ten minutes or so, I have to climb a tree to fix our heading, which always ends up wildly off track, every time I check. Even so, we make progress, minute by minute eastward, despite zig-zagging north and south at random. It's like this awful forest is designed to direct us away...

By mid-morning when it's about time for me to log-out again, I've reached level 10, and I think I'm a good chunk of the way to the next, since the monsters are more dense and somewhat stronger today.

“Remember, be careful,” I remind the kids again. “I'll see you again tomorrow. Say hi to Mai for me?”

“Sure,” they agree together, and we wave, before I think to look up into my stream camera.

“Same goes for you guys, see you later.” I tap through my menu to log out, taking a few deep breaths while I wait out the logout timer, before my sight goes dark.

As soon as I'm back in reality, I cringe, and make myself sit up. My feelings all start to sink, and I rush out of Fara's room before they drown me completely. The common room is empty when I enter, an instant relief. I don't have to fight through trying to interact like a human being today...

I quickly eat a bowl of cereal, then head straight out the door. My hands won't stop shaking all the way to work. I'm early, but it's better than staying still and letting myself think. Pacing back and forth outside the store is better than that.

“Good morning, Ray,” the boss woman greets me.

Spiraling in my own head, I think I try and offer some kind of response. I don't know. I rush into the back and punch in. When I come back to the front, she gives me instructions of some kind. I can't follow the words, the darkness ringing the edge of my vision swallows the sound of her voice. But apparently, some part of me recognizes it anyway, because I start walking around, fiddling with store shelves.

I think someone else is there, but I don't know. I can't see them over the ringing in my ears or the blood pounding in my head.

Just have to keep breathing. It'll all be fine if I can make money... right?

When I'm vaguely aware of someone saying something about being done for the day, I step outside, and press my face against the brick wall of the next building over. My teeth clench and unclench, my breath coming faster and faster as I try futilely to fight down the panic that bubbles up in my chest, in place of all the other emotions I try to push down.

My feet move, hands searching the surroundings blindly. But I can't outrun the guillotine following behind me. There's no stopping it. I- I can't. How- Where-

“Alex?” I look up, and Fara's there. She kneels down, taking my face in her hands. Her tone is quiet and gentle, just enough to push back at the unbearable dread. “Are you alright?”

My mouth moves, but I can't form words. Even if I could, how would I answer? Would I tell her I'm not alright? Or am I? What does 'alright' even feel like? I have no idea...

After some time, I manage to push away the cloying suffocation around my heart enough to look around. Apparently, I'm curled into a ball at the bottom of the steps up to Fara's apartment...

“I-I...” I choke out, but there aren't any words to finish the sentence.

“Come on, let's get you inside,” she urges me on gently, taking my hand and pulling me after her, up the stairs and in through the door. She sits me down on the couch, and hugs me to her side, rubbing my head gently. “Just keep breathing, in and out. In and out...”

I follow along again, the steady breathing eventually helping. When I finally calm down, slumping exhaustedly against Fara, I finally realize I had another panic attack. This isn't going to happen every day, is it? Fara won't have to keep coming to get me, will she? Just to bring me home from work?

Can I not even work without fucking it up? How am I ever supposed to make money to pay her back?!

“Alex,” Fara calls my name to get my attention. I look up at her meekly. What is she going to say? Curse at me for being useless? Tell me I shouldn't even bother? Kick me out?

What do I do if I end up on the streets? I already can't hold down a job, if I'm homeless too...

“Alex.” The second call comes with her lifting my chin so I'll focus. “Did something happen at work today?”

“Umm...” Did something happen? “I don't... think so?” What happened? Did I work today? No, yeah. I mean, I did. Right, I did go to work. What did I do there? “I, uhh, I don't know. Maybe? Or... I don't think so?”

She sighs, one hand to her head. “Alex, I know it's only been two days, but you've been having panic attacks every day since you started there. Are you sure it's a good place for you? You can always get a different job, you know.”

“I- N-no, I- it's fine,” I stammer. I have to work. How else can I make money? How else could I possibly pay Fara back for everything she's done? “I'm fine. I can work, really!”

“No, no,” she raises a hand to gently stave off my frantic argument. “I know you can work. I'm just wondering if this job is a good fit for you. That's all.”

“I... I...” Despite my best efforts, I never manage to come up with anything. Any way to try and convince her. After all, I can't even remember working there. Thinking about it now, I only even have a vague idea of where I work.

After that's all said, the conversation doesn't get any further, Fara changing topics. I blankly watch a bit of TV while she cooks some kind of dinner with Simini. Allie comes out to eat, head buried in a textbook all through dinner, before everyone retires for the night.

Logging in as late as I am, all I manage in Planes is pushing through another exhausted night, fighting monsters enough to get some more rest, so that Mai and the kids can begin making progress again, the next morning when it's time for me to log off for work.

“Ugh...” I groan, rubbing at my crusty eyes. Not only did I not get much sleep last night, now I have to deal with existing out here again... I do my absolute best to not think as I leave in the morning, and wander toward... wherever I probably work.

Apparently I find the right place, because the boss greets me, and I punch in.

I stare with all I have, pushing and pushing, and pushing to make it through. Then all at once, my focus snaps on Fara coming in through the door. She walks through the shop, grabbing a few things. I can't tell what. I can't see anything but my sister. Why is she here?

I don't know. I don't get it. She comes up to the counter, placing the items down.

…

She shows a small smile, but I don't understand.

“Ray?” suddenly comes the boss' voice, and the world feels like it's crashing down around me. “Hello?”

All I'm aware of is my own breathing, in and out, as I stare down at the items on the counter. Right, I'm supposed to ring them up. My hands move through the motions somehow.

Whatever happens next, I don't know. There are voices, and movements, and then I'm walking. As soon as the numbness begins to subside, there's nothing but terror and pain pushing in on me from all sides.

My breathing goes ragged. I try. I suck in and blow out, but they come faster and faster. Hands close around my head, rubbing the back of my neck and shoulders.

“In... out...” Fara's voice comes, slow and gentle, anchoring me just enough to endure the endless dread pouring over me like a waterfall. I clutch and pant, eyes squeezing shut. Why? Why does life have to be like this?!

When the world around me finally stops spiraling out of control, I slump forward, utterly spent. “Alex?” Fara's voice prods gently.

I croak wordlessly. Swallow. “Y-yeah...?”

“You feeling a little better now?”

“No...”

Eventually, I pull away. Apparently, we've been sitting on the edge of Fara's bed, her holding me for the last few hours, to get me through another panic attack. I don't even remember coming home. Hell, I don't remember leaving home today... Everything is turning to a blank...

Fara draws me out of her room, to sit at the kitchen counter as she makes dinner again. As she works, she explains things.

“I stopped by your job to see how you're doing since I've been worried about you. I also wanted to introduce myself to your boss, but... Alex, you were in the middle of a panic attack, while working.”

“Oh...”

“I talked to your boss. It sounds like she's been worried about you too. I don't think working there is good for you. It's too much stress.”

“...” I open my mouth slightly, but I can't find any words. So, I can't even hold down such a basic job... I want to cry... Oh god, why can't I even cry...?

After a few minutes, Fara plates some eggs for us to eat. I guess the other girls are out tonight, or something. “Alex, do you remember what I told you yesterday?” I shake my head. Fara sighs sadly. “I told you that that job isn't necessarily good for you. Not when you have to force yourself so hard, that you have panic attacks daily. But that doesn't mean there isn't a good one. In fact...”

Fara pulls out her phone and slides it across the counter to me. I stare down at it, confused. It's open to my streaming profile. “Alex, you tried to become a streamer to make money, remember?”

“Mm...” I mumble.

“Well, look. It worked. You have fifty thousand followers, and it's only going up. You should already be making enough money to treat it as a serious job. What I'm trying to say is, there's a job you can do. One you can do, as Mei, where you don't have to lose your mind doing it.”

“...” Once more, I try to say something, looking up at Fara with big eyes, disbelief just beginning to register. I can... make money? Like, actual job money? Playing games? In a world where I don't have to be me?

It sounds too good to be true. There has to be a catch.

“The...” I finally mumble a meaningless reply, before I manage to put the right words together in my stupid brain. “What's the catch?”

She blinks. Then chuckles and smiles at me. “There isn't one. Streaming can be really hard to get into, to draw the kind of viewer base you need to make a profit, but you've already done that part. You'll have to keep them watching which has it's own difficulties, obviously, but,” and she shrugs. “There are plenty of popular, professional streamers out there. It is a real job, which real people do make careers out of. It's just not a common one. You don't have to be miserable to make money.”

“S-so...” I murmur. “What do I do...?”

“First, pull up your Gamerz profile, it should have a section that breaks down how much you're making. That'll give you an idea of your actual profit.” I do as she says, pulling it up on my phone and tapping through the pages until I find the right one. I slide it across the counter so we can both see. “See here?” she points at the figure on screen. “See how it says this is how much you've made week to week? See how it's been going up as you've gained popularity?”

“Right...” Looking at last week, I made less than my part time job, but... not by much. Just by playing video games. And like she said, there's been a sharp upward curve since I started a few weeks ago. At this rate, I'll actually be making more than I was at my job sooner rather than later. All things considered, it's not that much money. Not like functional adults with real jobs would make. But... probably enough to survive on. Probably enough to afford food.

“But... can I?” I question her, fear beginning to bubble up. “Just playing games?”

Fara smiles. “Yes. You can. It won't be easy, but it's doable.”

I stare down at my hands for a while. Then, “What about my job?” I ask.

“I talked to your boss before bringing you home. It would just be a phone call, to let them know you won't be coming back, at least for now. And if you change your mind later, we can just call them up again. She said you did good work while you were there, even if it was just a few days. So they'll take you back later, if you want.” With a wide grin, she rubs my head. “You've been trying so hard, there are people out there who'll notice. And who'll appreciate it.”

“...Mm,” I mumble. We sit for a minute longer, each finishing the last of our food, before Fara stands up.

“Now, let's get this cleaned up, and get back in there. You've got a hell of a journey ahead of you.”

“...A journey...” I still don't know if I can believe everything we've talked about. It hasn't fully hit me yet. It might take days for the situation to truly set in. That there are people out there, thousands of people, coming together to provide enough money that I can make some kind of living, journeying through a strange world, and bringing them along for the ride. “A journey, huh...?”

Standing side by side, we wash up after dinner, then head back to Fara's room, to log in to Planes of Oblivion, where people are waiting for me.