A new issue slowly arises, taking a long time to finally push my sullen thoughts aside. I can see easily in the dark to navigate, but it's getting really late and I'm quickly losing the fight with exhaustion. We walked for a whole day and fought through literal armies, and I gave everything I had and then some against that core crystal. Of course I'm going to be dead on my feet...

“We have to find somewhere safe to sleep,” I sigh. “We don't have anyone to run night watch anymore...”

Eventually, the best I can do for us is find a thick bush, and carefully slide down underneath it so we're as covered as we can get. They transform into their wolf forms again and we all lie down together, crunched up to try and hide.

“I'm going to leave you with Mai for a bit, alright? I want to talk with Lara about what happened, back on Earth. Alright?” They just yip quietly and curl closer to me. I go through the menu briefly, to log off when I fall asleep, then slump into the comfortable, fluffy wolves.

My eyes slowly open. Ugh, right, this me again. Shaking myself and standing, I try to ignore it and yawn.

When I walk out into the common room, Fara leaps up from the couch she was sitting on.

“Alex, what happened? You got out of there? I was watching your stream-” She waves her phone toward me frantically.

“Yeah, one of my Skills activated and got us out of there." I point at her phone where the video is still playing. Of course it's nearly pitch-black since it's in the middle of the woods. Which is way darker than it looked to me when I was Mei and had super night vision, actually.

Putting those thoughts aside, I explain, “Koru, Azra, and Mai are kind of hiding out and sleeping in the forest right now. Not the best conditions, but we all survived. We're trying to get across the border to safety.”

“Good going.” She comes over and pats me on the head. “Wait, that was a Skill? I've never seen anything with an effect like that in the Skill list. It was really flashy,” she notes.

“Oh, it's called Faith, I unlocked some special Skills after that quest in Pollton.”

“Cool, cool.” Fara comments, pulling me over to sit on the couch as she visibly relaxes again. “I've heard of people unlocking special Skills before, what kind did you get? Some kind of escape Skill?”

“I'm not exactly sure, actually.” I scratch my cheek while I admit that. “They're called 'Transcendent' type Skills. Faith... well, the description doesn't say what it does, so just taking it was a pretty big leap of faith all on its own,” I try to laugh out off, but hearing my own voice is making me anxious.

“That's pretty out there,” Fara says and shakes her head and laughs too. “It's just like you to take a Skill without a clue what it does.”

“Yeah, it's probably a once daily. Most of the others were.”

“Woah, those must be powerful Skills. What are the others like?”

“Well, I only got that one so far.” I think a bit before explaining how the section unlocked, and the first one I took changed my Title, so I chose Faith first. I can't remember what they all do, but I briefly talk about how there was one Skill for each of the Archetypes, plus Faith, and give an idea of what some do from memory.

“Holy crap, even as dailies, those are some OP Skills.” She blows out a big breath.

“I thought so too. I definitely want to get Hope for another Affinity buff, as soon as I get the points for it.” Fara nods a few times, before stopping to think.

“So...” she starts slowly.

“Yeah?”

“Our party kinda wiped and fell apart. Should I try to catch up to you guys after I respawn?”

“I don't know, do you want to?”

“Mmm... I mean I want to, I'm trying to figure out if I should though. If it was just me, traveling light, I could make way better time. But traveling takes longer for Guardians, and I'm really built for working in parties. As a support, all my strength relies on others. The more people I have, the more of an asset I am. But if it's just us, I'm kinda useless, you know?”

After thinking a bit, I point out, “That Relic character, he told me I'm going to need more help on my journey. So I will need to pick up new party members eventually. It definitely won't just be us. And now that I think about it, Koru and Azra might be sticking around for a while too. They don't have a home to return to anymore.”

We both grimace when we come to realize that. Unless Hask managed to save some of the villagers, those two are orphans now. They'll need to find somewhere new to settle, or continue traveling, like nomads or something. I'll have to ask them about it when we get to Icutha.

“In that case... yeah, I'll try to catch up,” Fara decides. “As long as there will be others with you, I can still help. Might take a while though.” With that decided, we head over to the kitchen to eat.

We take some time for lunch, then Fara grabs my hand to pull me outside.

“Lying around all day is bad for you, let's go for a run.”

“Alright.” I don't know how I feel about running with this body. Even if I'm Alex now, it's still just...

I hide my reluctance and follow Fara out the door, the other girls waving goodbye.

We start at a light jog, but it doesn't matter. Within a minute, my body is screaming at me. When was the last time I moved, like, at all?

“Alex, are you alright?” Fara asks as she slows to a walk.

“I hate this,” I admit, panting, with my stomach rolling like I'm going to throw up. “Even as Alex, this body is garbage.”

“It's fine, Alex.” Fara rubs my shoulder comfortingly. “You're just out of shape because you've been in a bad place and haven't been taking care of yourself. If you keep eating healthy and start with a bit of exercise, you'll definitely start to feel a lot better.”

“Yeah...” I sigh. Any idiot knows that diet and exercise are important, so why is it so hard for me to picture it working? I know it'll help, so why doesn't it feel like it will? I keep my thoughts to myself, and continue on with Fara. The best I can maintain is a quick walk.

We continue for a little while. There are some other people around too, and the way they look at me makes me unbearably anxious. My heart is already racing from the meager amount of exercise I can actually do, and just feeling their eyes on me is too much. I don't want to do this. I wish I could be anywhere but here.

But I don't want to give in. Not now. Alex shouldn't be that weak and pathetic, right? So why is this all so hard? Why do I feel so miserable?

I somehow manage to hold out until we return home. Fara's fine, but I'm a complete mess. She shoos me into the bathroom to take a shower to wash my disgusting, sweat-drenched body. As I stand under the water, I try as hard as I can to fight down the unbearable sense of impending doom that settles over me. Why does it always have to be like this?!

With my forehead planted against the tile wall, I force my breath in and out, trying to wait out these emotions.

Knock knock.

I hear Fara's voice over the running water. “Alex, are you alright?” Shit, I made her worry again.

“Yeah, I'm fine. Just getting out,” I call back as I turn off the shower.

When I step back into the common room with a towel on, Fara's waiting just outside the door. “Alex, are you alright? You were in there for a while.”

“Yeah, I'm fine,” I tell her again, before she brings a hand up to my face and jolts in shock.

“You're freezing! Did you run out of hot water or something?”

“I...” I don't feel cold anymore. I can't really feel my body, which is actually really pleasant, but...

Fara's eyes go wide. “Alex! You didn't use any hot water, did you?!” she exclaims angrily, and quickly pulls me toward her room. As soon as we're inside, she throws blankets over me and starts to rub them all over at a frantic pace.

“Ugh, this is how you got yourself sick last time, isn't it?” she asks while facepalming. She obviously not looking for an answer though, and continues using friction to bring warmth and feeling back into my limbs. She doesn't say anything until I'm warm enough that my body starts shaking and shivering uncontrollably.

“Why?” she finally asks, her anger gone. “Why would you do something like that to yourself? You could get really sick. You know that, don't you?”

Once my teeth stop chattering, I stare at the floor guiltily. “Yeah, I...” I shake my head. “I don't know. I didn't want to use any of your hot water, but that was before. As Ray. Alex is at least worth a hot shower, right?” I ask, but I don't have an answer. Why don't I have an answer?

I keep trying to be Alex, telling myself he's better than Ray, but I keep doing the same things anyway. Why am I always like this...?

I'm staring at my hands. It takes a moment to even realize I just lost time. As soon as I do, my heart falls even further. That confirms it, Alex is hopeless too. No better than Ray at all, just more of the same. Of course he could never be anything better than a worthless piece of fucking garbage.

I should have known. My hands come up to my face as my teeth clench together. My shoulders start shaking with silent, tearless cries.

“Come on, it'll be fine,” Fara tries comforting me as she kneels down and hugs me close. “Alex, look at me.” She takes my chin to make me look up from my hands, until I meet her eyes. “I told you earlier, you've been in a bad place. You aren't used to taking care of yourself. You can break those old habits, but it's going to take work. No one's perfect, you're going to stumble, but you have to keep doing your best to treat yourself well.”

I don't know how to respond, until my mouth shudders open on its own. “...How?” Her eyebrows shoot up, until I find myself going on, pouring out everything in my head. “How do I care for myself when I hate myself so much? I thought Alex would be better. I hardly even know who he is yet, but the longer this goes on, the worse it gets. I don't even know why!”

After I finish, Fara doesn't have anything to say. She just keeps holding me, letting me cry myself out. I can't form tears though. Why can't I? I feel so broken...

Why...?

Between crying myself out cold, napping for a few hours, Fara forcing me to eat, and ultimately going to sleep overnight, I don't get up until the following day for work...

I have no idea what I'm going to do about work. I'm halfway to the convenience store for my very first day's shift, and I've spent the entire time attempting to mentally prepare myself for them calling me Ray when I arrive.

Not that I managed to come to any sort of conclusion after last night's breakdown. If anything, I'm more confused than ever. No idea what's wrong with me, why I can't just be happy being Alex, even though it works as Mei. Maybe I should be someone else again? Give up on Alex and try being, like, Mark, or Jeff or something? Maybe they're more useful?

Or maybe, is it this body after all? If I changed it somehow like Fara suggested, would that work? At least as far as I can tell, that's the biggest difference between Mei being functional and Alex not. I have to try something, I'm going to ruin everything again if I stay on this path...

I'm still freaking out over all of that when I get to work. The ringing bell from me going in the door doesn't even register before my boss looks over my way and says, “Good morning, Ray.”

I shove all my emotions down as hard as I can.

I have no idea if it's working.

“Hi...”

“Charlene.”

“S-sorry, Charlene. I'm bad with names.” It barely feels like I'm the one saying the words that are supposed to make me sound normal, but at least I'm still conscious of what I'm doing and haven't slipped away entirely.

“It's fine,” she waves it off. “Go punch in, then can you man the register?”

“Sure.” I do as she says, even feeling like I'm in a daze. After I'm on the clock, I stand behind the register as she said, and just... stand there, making myself continue breathing, until a customer comes up to buy something.

I go through the motions far more automatically than I feel like I should be capable of, while the feeling of eyes on me makes it nearly impossible to think coherent thoughts. The boss woman whose name I can't recall again, moves around the store, doing things, and she just keeps looking at me.

She must be able to tell. She's going to yell that I'm a monster that doesn't belong anywhere near this place and kick me out. Any minute now.

Any minute now...

Any minute now...

“Alright, good work for your first day. See you tomorrow?” I can't react to her slapping me on the shoulder. Her words haven't fully registered. “Ray?”

“Y-yeah.” My mind lurches. “See you tomorrow...” I trail off at the end when I can't conjure up her name, pausing before my legs start to move me the way they're supposed to. I manage to punch out and leave the store.

Breathe, just breathe.

Breathe...

I make it all the way home before the dread clawing at my mind begins to ease a little. I end up sitting down in a big chair in the common room and staring at the carpet, taking some length of time to convince myself I'm not having a heart attack, and then finally stand up again.

One big breath in. Hold. A big breath out.

Ok. I'm fine. Still in one piece. I made it through a whole day of work. I'm going to get money. I can pay back Fara for everything she's done for me.

Just... have to keep working like I did today. But how long will that take? Will I really make enough? It's just morning shift minimum wage work. Will I actually survive that long attempting to work? How did I make it through whatever I did before this?

I have no answers to my questions. All I have is the pounding, relentless anxiety. I have to do something. Flopping down on a couch, I pull out my phone and open up a stream. It's Kelly, she's hanging out at a restaurant with some others, eating and chatting. It's just after noon now, so they must be having breakfast at this time of day on Nirvalla. I guess she works morning shifts too? Either that or it's her day off.

She's answering a bunch of questions from the viewers, and after watching a little longer, I realize the others with her are doing the same. Looks like all four of them are streamers. When I check her current stream description, she's listed the people she's with, including links to their pages. I check their pages, and they're all pretty popular too. Every one of them has thousands of followers, and at least a few hundred current viewers, even on a Monday afternoon like now.

Speaking of off hours... I finally work up the will to open up my own Gamerz stream, and I'm met with a room of nearly two thousand people, watching Mai and the Nirvallan kids slowly advancing through a seriously dense forest, weapons drawn and eyes peeled for movement. Even if it's not exactly me in there right now, after seeing those other streamers, am I... popular...?

I click over to my profile in a new tab in my phone's browser. I have thirty thousand followers.

...How?

When I open up my notifications, it is absolutely inundated with follows and private messages. Do I really have the strength to interact with other people right now? Even over text?

It takes close to five minutes staring at the screen before I tap to open the messages. I end up scrolling through them, skimming mostly, while it rapidly becomes apparent that they all fall into four categories.

Dick pics.

Requests for nudes.

Recommendations I see a therapist.

Actual communication of some sort.

Among the last category, the messages range across everything from messages of support, requests to meet up either in-game or in real life, questions trying to clarify what the hell happened to me when I touched the corrupted core crystals back in Pollton and Mebin, requests to talk about my build, random insults, requests for shoutouts on my stream, a couple death threats...

I hardly know if I'm still absorbing any of the words scrolling by when I'm broken from my trance by the sound of the door. Peering up over the couch, Allie is coming in, the door banging closed a little too loud behind her. There are bags and books piled in her arms and slung over her shoulder, and she's wobbling a bit with her hands so full. “Hi, Alex,” she greets me with a pleasant smile and an awkward not-wave, more wiggling her shoulder at me than really waving since she can't move her hands.

She's putting the plastic shopping bags down on the kitchen counter when she asks, “How was your day?” over her shoulder, not looking back at me.

...Right. Small talk...

“I, uhh...” It feels like my brain can't string the words together. I have to shake myself and concentrate, forcibly pushing out all of those Gamerz messages to focus. Just to say, “Fine.” Is that it? That sounded normal, right? Was my day fine? Would it worry her if it wasn't? How is a day working supposed to be? I have no idea, I can't remember whatever I did before this.

I can barely remember what I did today, and I was actually conscious for it. Was I mentally present at my last job?

When Allie sends a glance over her shoulder, all it does is redouble my rapidly spiraling thoughts. Within seconds, I'm standing up from the couch.

“I'm going air.”

I rush out of the room.

It takes more than a few minutes sitting against the side of Fara's bed to remember and begin to question what I just said to Allie. What did that even mean? That I needed to get some air? Then why didn't I go outside instead of into Fara's room?

So that's who Alex is. Can't string a sentence together. I roll onto my side and curl up in a ball, unable to shake the thought that she totally thinks I'm a freak and she hates me now.

I don't know how long I stay that way before finally managing to push myself up to sitting again. Why can't I stop feeling like this? I should just let other-me deal with it...

I blink a few times. Fuck... I lost time as soon as I gave in... Even just thinking that sends my suddenly fine mood plummeting all over again.

The thing that makes me feel fine, also makes me feel like shit for doing it. I roll onto my back to stare up at the ceiling.

Why is it like this? Why am I like this? The nice clean ceiling of Fara's condo assures me I'm living in decent conditions. I'm safe. I'm fed. I have a job.

By all normal measures, I'm not doing that bad, right? Then why am I so unbearably anxious and miserable all the time? I'm not even Ray anymore. Despite everything changing around me, and even me myself changing too, why is nothing actually different?

At some point, desperate to distract myself, I grab my phone and go back to my stream. As soon as it opens up, I jump, the sound of inhuman snarls playing through my phone speakers and a massive spiked blob filling the video frame.

It has Mai pinned, gaping jaws dripping dark liquid over her as it attempts to gnaw through the bow she has jammed in its mouth. There's a crash and more snarls as a large gray wolf tackles the oblivion monster off, and they go tumbling across the ground, slashing and snapping at each other in a blur of motion before Mai draws an arrow and fires from the flat of her back, blowing the thing away.

Then she flops her arms down, and after a few seconds, the camera automatically starts circling to a new position above her. She spots it, eyes snapping straight onto the floating camera light. She flinches, terror showing for an instant before she realizes what she's looking at.

I've only been gone for a day. How much has happened to them in that time...? I take a look at the stream chat, and most everyone is really excited after the battle, saying words of congratulations. But after that look...

I swallow hard, then type my message.

': Hey Mai... you alright?' The message glows gold since it's my own channel, and pins at the bottom of the chat window. Mai notices after a moment too, her eyes scanning the message, before she starts to smile a little again.

“Mei, finally,” she sighs. “I could really use some help.”

': What do you need?' I type back. The chat starts freaking out at me ostensibly chatting with myself, but I try to ignore it. Some others are starting to explain our weird circumstances anyway.

Mai shows a smile that's more shy and worried than actually happy. “Switch places?” She wants me to log in? Take control of her body in there?

For a moment, I don't understand. How could she want to give up control and have someone else run things?

Then I realize that's exactly what I do. Have someone else bear the burden for a little while.

': Ok.'

I text Fara that I'm logging into Planes and tell her to let me know when it's time for dinner or anything. I'm grabbing my phone holder and starting up the game when she gives me the ok. I lie down. With a few deep breaths to calm myself, I close my eyes and feel my consciousness fading away.