We were all sore, exhausted, and wanted nothing more than to collapse into bed and sleep for a week. Sadly, there was a lot to do between now and blissful slumber.

We picked up the city map that the Train Baby had dropped. Massive swaths of my map updated, filling in the entire expanse of the three dozen train lines that left from this station. I could see wrecked trains on most of those tracks, and seven of them were not available to us at all because we had blown up parts of their track here in Repair Station with our Baby-attempted-killing explosion. The Admiral, Wenge, Juniper, Soot, and Apple Bubblegum lines were still running, as were the Exsanguination Express and the Flensing Flyer. Massive numbers of mobs were walking up and down the lines. Bosses were scattered around, mostly on trains or at the five-numbered stations where the mobs got off.

"Leave it," Carl said tiredly. "We'll look at it later. We need to get Brandy moved and then get to a saferoom."

Brandy!

In all the fighting and aftermath I had completely forgotten about the demon woman. I hurried over to where we had left her: On the cold ground, under the mine cart and a pile of dwarf steel, with two living demon babies and a conflagration of dead demon babies in the form of Sheol bricks. The living babies looked like nothing so much as red dust bunnies made out of far too many stick-thin arms and tails, with a pair of beady eyes perched on top.

The mine cart and the dwarf steel inside it had long since melted into a bubbling slurry that Brandy had repositioned under herself to keep her out of contact with the (to her) freezing-cold ground.

"It's about time you lot got finished!" she said, the words punctuated with a grunt as another baby emerged, died, converted into a brick, and enlarged the already massive conflagration. She sniffed once, twice, and her nose wrinkled in disgust. "Eternal radiance, you three smell awful. What did you do, wallow in its crap?"

"Not intentionally," Carl said. "Look, we're beat and we need to get you into that boiler." He gestured towards the steam train in the third repair bay. "We can't bring the train to you with nothing in the boiler, so we'll have to bring you to the boiler. The mine cart is melted, so how do we do that?"

"I hope you're not asking me to crawl that far," she said acerbically. "The ground here is so cold I'm barely not shivering. Find me something else. They have carts that they use to move equipment around."

"How about we make a litter out of some railroad tracks?" I asked.

I cringed as everyone looked at me in surprise. "Sorry. Just ignore me. I didn't mean to—"

"It's a good idea," Carl said, cutting me off. "Also, you did well in the fight. I forgot to say that. We wouldn't have made it without you. Thanks."

I glanced suspiciously at Donut who was once again sitting on his shoulder. She was cleaning her right front paw and looking completely innocent. I decided not to ask if Carl's sudden compliments were due to a feline old aunty nudging him over private chat.

Between us we had more than enough stuff for a litter, and more than enough strength to lift it and Brandy once she crawled onto it. She was complaining and shivering the whole time while trying to comfort and control her screaming, shivering children and simultaneously continuing to give birth. With that and Donut's Hole we got her and her kids into the boiler of one of the steam trains and once more enjoying a toasty roaring fire made out of her stillborn children. The fire she had been lying in, also powered by burning Sheol bricks, continued to blaze with sinister flames that crackled and snapped in what sounded a lot like like far-off screams comprised of words that I could almost but, thankfully, not quite understand.

"Do we explore before we head out?" Donut asked as we climbed into the train's engine. "There's an office up there. It might have other maps, maybe some staff that we could question."

Carl shook his head. "No. If we go up there we're almost certain to trip something that will open the fence and let all those ghouls get at us. We're exhausted, low on mana potions, and we've got a ton of loot boxes to open and stat points to distribute. Let's get to a saferoom, eat, sleep, then open everything so we can see what we've got to work with. After that we'll decide on the next move."

"I think we should—" He gave me a weary, irritated look and I reflexively stopped talking and nodded meekly. "Sounds good."

Damnit! No! Interesting people were not meek and obedient to authority! I wasn't going to get followers like that.

Curious, I checked my social numbers. I'd been at 10 billion followers back when Donut first alerted me to my social issues. This morning (was it really only this morning?!) I had put on my Birgit body and tough-girl speech patterns and between that and the boss fight I was up to 106 billion. Of course, they didn't update immediately so it might actually be higher than that. Also, I suspected that the numbers would go up like a rocket once the recap episode aired. There was no way that we weren't going to feature prominently.

Honestly, Carl was right. I was exhausted and not thinking clearly. As I could tell because the battle had been over for forty minutes and I had only just now remembered to reabsorb my third arm and reassert my human-looking Birgit body. I didn't have the mass to do it at full scale, so I couldn't use the preset. Instead I sculpted it by hand at smaller scale. Based on how Carl was looking at me I hadn't done a good job. I couldn't bring myself to care.

It took Brandy half an hour to conjure enough water into the boiler that we could get underway. We waited patiently, all of us doing our best to stay alert despite the fact that we were drooping with weariness. Apparently nothing was so exhausting as terrified fighting for your life.

Eventually the train was ready. We headed up the Feldgrau line; I objected, pointing out that the line was blocked because the Feldgrau train was wrecked at station 274. Carl shrugged and said that we wanted to be the only train on the track, which meant a line with a wreck, and this was the highest-numbered wreck available on the tracks we had access to, which in turn meant the largest number of accessible stops for us to explore and grind on. Brandy assured us that she could keep the train going for however long we were willing to drive it and that we could get to 274 in about thirty hours of continuous steaming and could reverse back here in about forty. We had over a hundred hours to get down to the next level so there seemed to be plenty of leeway. Plus, I had already confirmed to Hekla that the portal from 436 would let her reunite with us so I didn't need to worry about going to her.

We steamed out of station 10, leaving behind a station full of fenced-off angry, red-eyed ghouls and a smoldering, slowly disintegrating Train Baby corpse.

Station 11, a transfer station with a Desperado Club, was only a kilometer up the tracks; we could have walked there, showered, eaten, and walked back in the time it took to get Brandy installed and the train ready for departure. None of us suggested doing that; we had invested too much literal blood, sweat, and tears into acquiring this train and we were not taking any unnecessary chance of being separated from it.

We made it to the station, said good night to Brandy, carefully locked up the train, and went back to our personal space for showers and much-needed rest. The personal space was inside the saferoom which in this case was a Maredo steakhouse with another Bopca Protector proprietor whose nametag said she was 'Mesdalu'. We went right past her with barely-coherent grunts and vanished into our personal apartments.

I stood in the shower scrubbing for twenty minutes before I finally felt clean again. At that point I craved the chance to fall into bed and be refreshed, but the recap was starting in just a few minutes. I slashed a brush through my hair, checked to make sure that my Birgit body was on right (particularly the ears, since ears were hard), and then I went out into the Maredo to see what my teammates were up to.

Carl was pumicing his feet while waiting for the recap to start. Mesdalu was brushing Donut who was purring contentedly. Mongo had his nose stuck into a bucket of meat-covered bones and was happily snorfling them up with much electrically-sparking chomping of teeth.

Carl smiled ruefully when he saw me. "I was just thinking how the dungeon is making small talk harder and harder. I can't ask how you're feeling because we all feel like crap all the time. In the mornings I can't ask how you slept because with these beds I know the answer."

"Oh, I don't know," I said. "Some of it still seems to work. For example, ask me how the weather is."

He frowned in confusion but played along gamely enough. "How's the weather?"

"Eh." I waggled my hand in a so-so gesture. "The usual. Raining blood and guts everywhere."

It was a weak joke but, for whatever reason, it cracked him up. It was probably just a release of tension from all the stress and combat, but he laughed so hard that he dropped his pumice stone.

"Really, Carl," Donut said. "It wasn't that funny." She turned her head in slow, regal fashion so that she could look at me. "It was, however, funny. Well done, dear."

That broke me up and soon I was laughing as hard as Carl.

"Humans are strange," Mesdalu observed once Carl and I had ourselves under control again. "You want any food, lady?"

"Thank you, Mesdalu, that would be lovely. Is there any chance that you have some Skyr? Or stewed lamb?"

"Of course," Mesdalu said, nodding. "Want salad with that?"

"Yes, please. All the veg except olives, please. Blue cheese dressing, if you have it?"

"Does Mesdalu have it, she asks," the Bopca muttered, lifting Donut off her lap (to the cat's great disgruntlement) so that she could wander into the back room while shaking her head to herself.

"Your timing is good," Carl noted. "Recap will be starting soon, but you should have time to open your boxes. Donut and I did ours already; we'll give you the rundown once yours are done."

"I want to know what's in your Benefactor Box," Donut said eagerly. "Princess D'Nadia gave me the best present there ever was, and I'm sure that Princess Formidable gave you something really neat too."

"Well, let me...actually, no, I'm going to open the normal stuff first. Princess Formidable went to a lot of expense and trouble to give me that gift, whatever it may be. I want to be able to focus on it properly without being distracted by other boxes waiting. Always save the best for last, right?"

"Oh, fine," Donut said, heaving a sigh. "I suppose. Well, open the rest of it at least."

Donut: GOOD JOB, KATIA. THAT WILL PLAY WELL WITH THE VIEWERS, AND WITH PRINCESS FORMIDABLE.

Neat. Apparently I was starting to get a handle on this social display thing.

I sat down at one of the tables and tapped the 'Open Loot Boxes' button in my system menu. The boxes came cascading out into the room, lining themselves up in front of me before politely flipping themselves open one at a time.

Bronze Asshole Box (1/19)

Potion of Healing

Low-Quality Morning Star

Torch (x5)

Bronze Dirtdiver Box (2/19)

Potion of Healing x2

Potion of Mana

Torch (x7)

Nothing special. Into the inventory it went.

The first of the silver boxes hurried forward. Unlike the others this was a poorly-assembled wooden crate with splinters sticking out. Someone had slopped silver paint over it but multiple spots were unpainted. It opened to reveal a ratty T-shirt with bubblegum pink and lime green swirls across it. On the front were the word 'I Am A Chickenshit'.

Silver Sniveling Coward Box (3/19)

T-Shirt of Cowardice

You cowardy, cowardy custard! You attempted to blow up a train so that you could avoid a fight with a City boss. What kind of show do you think this is, one that rewards caution and forethought?! Get with the program, bitch!

The wearer of this shirt may conjure a chicken by shouting the words 'I am a cowardly chickenshit coward!' It's a normal chicken that doesn't have any special abilities, doesn't care about you, and will go do its own stupid chicken-related thing no matter what you want. Oh, and it tastes completely disgusting. And after a random time between ten seconds and ten minutes it will blow up with a random blast strength. Maybe next time don't be such a chickenshit? (Yes, it can be used for demolitions, but only because loot box shit is required to be useful.)

As a secondary benefit, the shirt plays theme music for you, constantly and at high volume. While rather stealth-defeating the music can be used to obtain clues about your environment. For example, if it starts sounding like the theme from a horror movie, it probably means that there's something bad up ahead. If it sounds like romance music then you're probably in a romantic situation, and so on.

Warning: Once worn, this shirt can only be removed between midnight and 12:01 on days evenly divisible by 5 on the Julian calendar.

I had to laugh. I looked up at the ceiling and said, "Well, someone sure wasn't happy about that."

I had been thoroughly indoctrinated into the Way of Carl regarding looting, so I pulled the T-shirt into my inventory despite being unable to imagine any situation where I would want to put it on.

Silver Nicola Tesla Box (4/19)

Starched Collar of the Lightning God

The wearer of this perfectly white and crisply-laundered collar gains +3 Dexterity and +5% Damage Reduction against electrical attacks. Ride the lightning, baby!

I frowned. It was exactly what it said in the description: A white shirt collar, but with no shirt. The corners popped up, almost sharp enough to stab someone with, and it looked very uncomfortable to wear. I shrugged and set it aside. Maybe there would be a shirt in one of the other boxes.

The next item was a small birdseye maple cabinet, perhaps fifty centimeters wide and long, with two drawers. Each drawer was ten centimeters high and had an unremarkable semicircular steel pull handle on the front.

Silver Clever Rabbit Box (5/19)

Junk Drawer Duplicator

Fill the top drawer with non-magical, non-living items and a mana potion, keep both drawers closed for 10 hours, and each item in the top drawer will be duplicated in the bottom drawer. (The mana potion will be consumed and not duplicated.)

Warning: Ensure that the lower drawer is empty before use.

Warning: Do not open the drawers while duplication is in progress or the Duplicator will be destroyed along with all contents.

Warning: Duplication is not perfect. Duplicates of items that depend on excessive degrees of precision may not function. Some shopkeepers will be able to identify duplicated items and will not buy them.

"Wow," Carl said. "That's going to be handy."

"D—Damn skippy," I said, catching myself before I said the boring 'Definitely' and replacing it with something that was hopefully more interesting. Then I heard what I'd said and decided that I should have stuck with 'Definitely'.

Silver Participation Box (6/19)

Participation Trophy

The wearer of this necklace gains +2 Strength, +2 Intelligence, +2 Dexterity, and +1 Charisma.

The prize had all the marks of the AI's sense of humor: A pretty good item in the form of a fine steel chain threaded through a cheap plastic bowling trophy covered in chipped gold foil. Beggars not being choosers, I slipped it over my head and it disappeared into me.

Silver Dumbass Box (7/19)

Ring of the Survivor

Wearer of this ring gets +2 Constitution and +1 to the Regeneration skill.

Now that was something I really needed. With as much health as I had it was starting to take multiple potions or applications of the Heal spell to get me back to full. The Regeneration skill would save me a lot of resources.

"Thank you, AI," I said, smiling up at the ceiling. "That's really thoughtful." Unsurprisingly, there was no response. I moved on with a mental shrug.

The next prize was very odd: A silver napkin ring with a hexagonal design embossed on it. It was wrapped around a green linen napkin with fringed edges, which was in turn wrapped around a sterling-silver knife and spork.

Silver Chelation Box (8/19)

Chelating Flatware

Yer a metallovore, 'arry! You can use these items for 15 minutes once per 30-hour day in order to eat metal. You might not enjoy the process but it's good for you. Five hundred grams of metal eaten will refill up to 10% of the diner's health bar. Metal may be eaten in advance of need.

Warning: These items are a set. The set is broken and becomes useless if any piece is destroyed or damaged, if any two pieces spend more than 5 consecutive minutes more than 2m apart, if any two pieces are ever more than 10m apart, or if any part of the set is placed into inventory without the rest of the set.

That...seemed like it could be extremely broken for a doppelganger. Also, did eaten materials add to my mass? I did still need to use the toilet, so presumably it wasn't a 1:1 gain. And that, of course, brought me back around to my earlier idea of weight gain. I needed to check what happened when I shifted with a full stomach; did the undigested food count as part of my mass or was it foreign matter that was simply encapsulated inside me? Up until now I had been eating lightly when I knew we were about to go back into the field so I hadn't noticed. If it counted as part of my mass then I should be eating as much as possible as a way to bulk up. Although...hm. What would it do to my social numbers? Would people think I was a disgusting pig if they saw me shoveling down mountains of desserts?

I shook the thought away and turned my attention back to the boxes. The next one immediately rushed up to me and eagerly flipped itself open. It was smaller than the rest, about the size of a boule of bread, and shaped like a small girl's jewelry box: Tacky plastic, lots of stickers and rainbows. Inside was a bracelet made up of fine silver chain with diamonds studded around its length. The diamonds alternated between clear and pink and were interspersed with tacky plastic baubles in horrible iridescent colors. Two ribbons, one pink and one purple, were laced in and out of the links of chain before being tied into an overly elaborate bow that poofed out in all directions. A slow but steady rain of glitter dripped from the ends of the ribbons. A small silver charm dangled from the center of the chain: A lightning bolt in a circle with a horizontal line through it.

Silver Zappy Box (9/19)

Charm Bracelet of Multidun...Mutildu...Many Cool Effects

Words are hard. You'd be hard too if you were a boy who saw this thing. Except you're not, so I made it super extra girly for you. It's a charm bracelet and each of the charms conveys a superpower! Right now you've only got one charm and it conveys 10% Damage Reduction against nonmagical electrical attacks. Ride the lightning harder, baby!

Additional charms may be attached at a later time.

Well, that wasn't even slightly insulting.

I paused, head tilted in thought. Why exactly were the descriptions so insulting? It was like the AI went out of its way to mess with us. Like a person would, not like a computer program. I looked up and waved slightly.

"Excuse me? AI?

"Katia, what are you doing?" Carl hissed. "Don't piss it off."

"Sir? Ma'am? I'm sorry, I don't know the proper form of address. I wanted to ask if you're a—?" Oh, gosh. Carl was wide-eyed and panicky. This was a bad idea. Abort, abort! But no, I had to at least finish the thought or it would look weird.

"I mean, I wanted to say something about the loot boxes," I said, trying to change course gracefully and failing. "You do a really nice job. It's not just the items and the descriptions, although I'm sure that takes a lot of work, but the packaging is attractive too." I gestured at the line of boxes in front of me, each of them unique and becoming more attractive as the type improved. "Anyway, sorry to bother you."

"Jesus, Katia. Don't attract its attention!"

"Sorry," I mumbled, ducking my head down into my shoulders.

He shook his head in disbelief. "Just...don't do it again."

"Sorry." I looked to the next box.

Silver Hellfire Box (10/19)

Charm of Antifire

Hellfire? Hell no! The wearer gets 5% Damage Reduction against fire-based attacks with the Infernal subtype.

This item is appropriate for use with the Charm Bracelet of Multidun...Mutildu...Many Cool Effects.

I was seeing a pattern here. I wordlessly clipped the charm onto the bracelet but didn't put it on yet, since it seemed like there would be more charms.

Silver Boombabe Box (11/19)

Dynamite x5

Hobgoblin Pus (x2)

Carl chuckled, the sound a little bit forced as he tried to get back to normal from where we had just been. "Blowing stuff up is my schtick."

I handed him the explosives with a smile. Seconds later, I realized I'd missed an opportunity. "You should stick with it! Dynamite stick with it!" I winced. I was terrible at this.

"It's okay," he said, clearly amused. "Just ignore Donut and Zev. You're a fine person the way you are, you don't have to be someone else."

I chewed on that one for a moment. I wanted to let it go, I really did. Frank discussion about how useless and boring I was with a man who effortlessly dominated intergalactic social media? Kill me. Unfortunately, not having that conversation could end up literally killing me.

"I kind of do," I said. "It's humiliating, but Donut and Zev aren't wrong."

Carl frowned and glanced up, reminding us both that this very conversation, the incredibly uncomfortable one about how boring and useless I was, was probably being watched by those same fans whose minds I was hoping to change. How would it be seen? Like a desperate and crass plea for attention that turned people off, or like a woman sincerely struggling to improve herself and therefore worthy of respect?

Didn't matter.

"They're not wrong and, in fact, it's good to hear," I said slowly. "I mean, not good. It's embarrassing and hurtful. On the other hand, maybe that's a good thing. I'm trying to view it as a push towards self-improvement instead of a criticism of everything I am."

"That's right," Donut said. "We're just helping you be your best self. Miss Bea was always reading magazines about how to do that."

Carl looked disgruntled and I could see him choosing his words carefully. "It's up to you," he said at last. "If you want to change because you want to change, great. You shouldn't have to do it because it lets a bunch of thirsty alien teenagers get their jollies."

I laughed. "I wasn't planning on making a sex tape. Still, I think I would like to be someone different. The person I am now...." I trailed off, the words sticking in my throat. I didn't actually know Carl that well, and the idea of being this emotionally vulnerable made me want to crawl into my bed and pull the blankets over my head.

I took a breath and let it out slowly. Part of changing was change. Pushing limits, growing stronger. That was what needed to happen and it didn't have to be a bad thing. Carl was a decent person; he wasn't going to mock me for being vulnerable.

"I'm not really enjoying the person I am right now," I said. "I'm scared, all the time. I just want to cry, all the time. Every time I think of Mom, and Dad, and—" The grief punched me in the chest as the scent of Mom's fish stew floated through my memories, and of the many times that I'd heard Dad's favorite stupid joke and how wide he always smiled when he told it. Berghreinn, my baby brother, would roll his eyes and say, "Daaaad. Do you always have to tell that one?"

I could feel my face starting to come loose and slide around as my lungs locked up. I was rocking back and forth, struggling not to lose it in front of Carl and Donut but my face was wrong and getting wronger and there were tears in my eyes and—

Carl reached out and patted me awkwardly on the shoulder. "Hey, it's okay. Don't let them break you."

The grief flashed over into anger and I wanted to punch him, but instead I just yelled, "Would you shut the fuck up about that?!"

I caught myself, fists clenched and eyes squeezed shut. I sucked in a shuddering breath and wiped my eyes. This was not helping. No one wanted to see me blubbering. I'd held it together this long, convinced Carl and Donut that I was actually just as functional as they were.

I literally smoothed my face, moving everything back into the proper place so I'd look human again. I cleared my throat to make sure the words wouldn't be mangled. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shouted. I really miss my family and it sneaks up on me sometimes. I've been keeping it together, but after that big boss fight I was so drained. I'll feel better after I sleep—the bed makes me feel rested and happy, although the 'happy' part doesn't always sustain. It..." I shook my head. "I'm sorry."

He was looking at me consideringly and I could see his assessment of me shifting more towards the liability column.

"In the Coast Guard, I served with some guys who had PTSD," he said, clearly not enjoying the taste of the memories. "Been at a few different duty stations, and there's something that sucks about each of them. Worst duty I ever had was migrant interdiction. People in Cuba or Mexico, they're either in danger for their lives or they're being oppressed by their government or local gangs...doesn't matter. There's always something. Anyway, they get on these shitty rafts and try to row to the good old USA. If they touch American soil then deporting them is a whole big thing, so we were supposed to find them while they were still at sea and take them back to their home country. You know, the one that they had just fled because their lives were in danger. Depending on the winds and how good their navigation was, these people had often been at sea for a couple of days with no food and sometimes not enough water. They were sick, and hurting, often delirious. It was usually families with kids, too. They...well, it was pretty bad and then we had to make it worse. Gave me nightmares, drove a bunch of guys I served with to the bottle. It sounds like you actually got along with your family, so I imagine that the worst I ever faced on that duty wasn't half as bad as losing all of them at once."

"I'm fine." I said it firmly, forcing myself to make eye contact. "I'm not going to let you down."

He seemed unconvinced. He nodded towards the waiting boxes. "Finish opening your stuff. The recap is coming up."

"They might not be dead, you know," Donut said. "Lots of people didn't die. It was daytime in Iceland, right?"

"Yes, but Berghreinn would have been at school and everyone else would have been at work. Inside, all of them."

Donut came over and pressed her head into my neck, purring loudly and flirting her tail across my nose. "I'm sorry, sweetie."

I cleared my throat to be sure I didn't squeak. "Thanks. I'm okay."

"Yes, and you can prove it by brushing me." Her brush fell out of her inventory onto my lap.

"Not now, Donut," Carl said. "She needs to finish opening her boxes."

"But Carl, brushing me is therapeutic!"

"Later, Donut."

I smiled and shifted her to be beside me on the couch so that I could lean forward to get at the next box.

Silver Masher Box (12/19)

Potato of Power

Eat this and you'll gain a permanent +3 Strength.

I looked at the perfectly ordinary potato and couldn't help but laugh. I stood up and walked over to the restaurant proprietor, my line of loot boxes trailing behind me like eager puppies. "Excuse me, would it be rude of me to ask you to cook this for me?" I offered the potato hesitantly.

The Bopca Protector took the potato and turned it back and forth in her hands consideringly. "Can do that. How you want it?"

"Surprise me."

"Hash browns it is. Coming right up." She took the potato and vanished into the back.

I returned to my seat and continued wading through the prizes.

Silver Duck and Cover Box (13/19)

Chestplate of Appropriate Coverage

Grants the wearer +1 Constitution and +2 Dexterity

'Chestplate of Appropriate Coverage'? I gave the ceiling (and hence the AI) my best displeased-schoolmarm look before setting the pair of tassels aside. "That was juvenile," I muttered.

Gold Super Dumbass Box (14/19)

T-Shirt of Stupid Courageousness

Wearer of this shirt gets +5 Constitution, +3 to the Regeneration skill, and may cast a level-15 Force Shape spell once every 30 hours.

The shirt was lime green, had "I'm with stupid" written across the front, and had an arrow pointing up. I sighed and examined the details of the spell.

Force Shape

Have you ever wanted to throw massive blasts of power across the battlefield to demolish your enemies? Well, too bad. This spell doesn't do anything cool like that, it only lets you make simple shapes out of force fields. The shapes are solid, invisible, nearly weightless, and once formed they remain fixed in place relative to the caster unless they are broken or dispelled.

Cost: This is an item-based spell. This spell does not require mana to cast. If you unequip the associated item, you will lose access to this spell. The cooldown will not reset.

Effect: The user visualizes a simple shape, chooses a location within (Level) meters (current value: 15m), and the shape appears at that location. The shape may have no dimension larger than (Level / 3) meters (current value: 5 meters) nor smaller than 5cm. Formation takes 100 milliseconds. During formation the shape must not intersect anything with a density >= 0.1g/cm^3. Other restrictions apply.

Duration: 20 seconds + 2 seconds per level of spell. (Current Duration: 50 seconds.) Requires 30-hour cooldown.

That seemed useful. The obvious use was to make an invisible lance to go with my Rush ability, but there had to be other possibilities. I clipped the collar points to it and put it on.

Error: You already have an item equipped in your inner torso slot.

Damn. It was a crappy 'Hooligan Shirt' that I had picked up back on the second floor. Well, whatever. This one was better. I pushed the Hooligan Shirt into inventory and pulled this one on. It vanished into my body, thereby hiding the horrible color and insulting text.

Gold Meatshield Box (15/19)

Bracer of the Meatshield

Wearer of this bracer gets: 10% more health per point of Constitution (retroactive). +3 to the Regeneration skill. +5 to the Taunt spell.

Huh? I pulled up the properties on Taunt.

Taunt: v, transitive. The act of using words or actions to anger someone.

Cost: 3 mana

Duration: 10 seconds per level

This spell has a (Level x 5)% chance to inflict an enemy with the Enraged debuff. Enraged enemies will immediately attack you and will not stop attacking until the duration expires or you are dead, whichever comes first. For their initial attack they will use their most powerful ability. While Enraged they will deprioritize other threats or objectives. Some enemies may be partially or completely resistant. Each successful use overwrites any existing Enraged debuffs.

Appropriate for a meatshield. That was my job, right? Get hit so that more important people didn't have to.

With a sigh, I kept going.

Gold Bugzapper Box (16/19)

Earring of Lightning Speed

This earring makes you look like a total poser, but it also lets you convert electricity into speed. Every time you suffer damage from an electrical attack, 5% of the damage (counted before damage prevention effects) will be converted into a Dexterity bonus. The bonus stacks. The buff wears off in time inversely proportional to the current total buff value. 20 second cooldown between activations.

Lovely. If I wanted the buff then I had to get hurt, and Dexterity wasn't something that anyone in our group prioritized. Unless 'converted' meant 'prevented' then this might be completely useless for us. Well, we could always sell it.

Gold Sanctity Box (17/19)

Charm of Holy Moly That's A Lot of Fire

This item is appropriate for use with the Charm Bracelet of Multidun...Mutildu...Many Cool Effects. The wearer gains +2 Charisma. Once every 30 hours the wearer may cast a level-15 Holy Fire spell.

Now that sounded promising. I clipped the charm onto the bracelet and then pulled up the spell's description.

Holy Fire

Zzzzzzorch! Demons and baneful spirits gotcha down? Nuke 'em into oblivion with shining holy light!

Cost: This is an item-based spell. This spell does not require mana to cast. If you unequip the associated item, you will lose access to this spell. The cooldown will not reset.

Effect: A sphere of holy fire appears around the caster and emanates outwards to a radius of 1m per level. (Current value: 15m) The fire is blocked by physical objects. Has no environmental effects. Base damage is equal to that of an equivalently-leveled Fireball spell and is inflicted against all living beings in the AOE who are not members of your party. Against Demon-class and Baneful Spirit-class enemies, Holy Fire uses its level as a multiplier on the base damage. Demon- or Baneful Spirit-class party members will be damaged.

Note: The holy fire is not actually hot, but the damage is still treated as being of type Fire with the Sanctified subtype, and it does knockback as though it were of the Physical type.

Requires 30-hour cooldown.

That was going to be very useful on the lower floors. I spent a few pleasing seconds imagining Rage Elementals evaporating into powder.

Gold Boss Box (18/19)

Train Ticket

It was another coupon and it had a wall of text that I didn't want to deal with right now since the Platinum box was next and it presumably had the really good stuff in it. I set the coupon aside and moved on.

Platinum 'I Guess Lucky Really Is Better Than Good' Box (19/19)

Cloak and Boots of Elvenkind

You know those blond Mary Sue wankers that Tolkien loved so much? Well, here's your chance to become one!

Every 30 hours the wearer must choose whether to spend the next 30 hours as the race they chose on the third floor or as a High Elf. Regardless of race, wearer receives: +10 Dexterity. +10 Charisma. +5 to the Dodge skill. +5 to the Hide in Shadows skill. +5 to the Stealth skill. +5 to the Archery skill. +5 to the Weapon Master skill. Access to Enhanced Dodge, Enhanced Hide in Shadows, Enhanced Stealth, Enhanced Archery, and Enhanced Weapon Master, which allow their respective skills to train to level 20. Once per hour, wearer may cast a level-5 Fortune Sculpting spell in order to influence the activation and nature of random effects. This spell will cost mana despite being an untrainable item spell.

Note: These items must be worn as a set and equipped to be effective. They may only be equipped by someone with Dexterity of 150 or higher.

I stared in disbelief at this amazingly powerful and completely useless to us item. And then I started laughing helplessly.

"What's so funny?" Carl asked. Donut stopped cleaning herself and jumped over to my table in order to see what was going on. I waved helplessly at the forest-green cloak and matching calf-high suede boots.

Carl read the descriptions and grunted in annoyance.

Donut read it and hissed while floofing out angrily, and then she looked angrily up at the ceiling. "Excuse me! I would like to speak to your manager! We were promised a platinum box and have been given something inappropriate and useless to us. We fought a City boss for that box!"

Usually the AI's voice was personal to the individual addressed, but this time we all heard Donut receive her award.

New Achievement! Whiny Bitch Says What?

You have mouthed off to a being far superior to yourself who could swat you like a bug at a whim. Good thing for you that I think it's hilarious. I would pat you on your adorable fuzzy little head if I had arms. So cute.

Reward: Your current expression, captured for posterity and embedded in a snick to be beamed out over the intergalactic tunnels for all to enjoy. Coming soon to a recap episode near you!

Donut hissed angrily and yrowled until Carl tiredly told her to be quiet and get over it.

"It's not actually that bad, Donut," I said, hoping to reassure the cat. "It's not useful to the three of us but I suspect we can sell it for...well, pretty much all the gold ever. Or trade it to another crawler, someone who specializes in stealth. I'm sure there are people out there who have stuff that is useless for them and would be great for us. Maybe you can use the Desperado Club to set up a market. Maybe—"

I cut myself off as Mesdalu came back. She was carrying a plate overflowing with piping-hot shredded potato that had been formed into a patty with plenty of oil and seasoning and deep fried until it was golden brown and crispy. She stood there and watched nervously as I tasted it...and then she smiled as I gobbled the thing down so fast I burned my tongue.

"Thank you, Mesdalu," I said, licking my fingers without shame. "That was amazing."

"Am glad," she said, beaming. "Want more? Got more potatoes. Not magic ones like that, but still make good hash browns."

"Yes, please! Lots of them, if that's alright. I'm suddenly realizing how hungry I am."

"Good. Mesdalu bring lots. Also, stew and Skyr that you wanted are almost ready."

The Bopca bustled off and I turned to considering my last piece of loot, the Train Ticket.

Train Ticket

No, it's not a ticket that lets you ride on a train. It's a ticket for training. Tearing up this ticket grants you the Teacher's Pet skill at level 1. For each level of this skill you may select one enhancement (skill, spell, benefit, bonus, or ability) that is gained from or boosted by an item you have equipped at the time and that you do not already possess. You will immediately gain the enhancement (at level 1 if it is trainable). When the source item is not equipped you will retain access to that enhancement and may train it normally if it is trainable. Putting the item back on will cause its normal effect to apply and will not interfere with the trained version of the skill, spell, or ability. If the enhancement is trainable then it may be trained to level 20. Skills acquired through Teacher's Pet act as though they were two levels lower (minimum of 1) for purposes of how quickly they advance.

Note: The Teacher's Pet skill goes up by +1 each time you descend to the next level. It cannot be trained.

Wow. I stared, boggled, at the little cardboard rectangle between my fingers.

Carl held out his hand in request and I passed him the ticket. He read the description and grunted, impressed, before passing it back. "That's pretty good. You could get the Powerful Strike ability from my gauntlet. That's the best combat skill I've seen."

"It's better than that. The charm that lets me cast a level-15 Holy Fire? I could gain that as a regular spell and I think I would be able to cast it once for free from the charm and then cast it from mana as well."

"Fair point. Still, it's overselling the part about gaining skills. It's not hard to get a skill that an item gives you. Train it up a level and if you take the gear off you keep the skill. Maybe at more than level one, even. Apparently there's some weird skill experience redistribution thing."

"Oh, right, Bannon mentioned that." I thought about that for a moment. "Well, it's still good. You can train it to level 20 and it progresses faster than otherwise. Plus, you can get spells that you would normally only have as item abilities. Imagine if you could cast Protective Shell more than once per day." I thought about that for a moment. Maybe I should give the ticket to Donut? She was our caster and had more mana than Carl and I put together. Giving her the ability to cast all the extra spells possible would be a good idea.

It was the rational thing to do, but I didn't want to do it. This was my prize. I had fought and bled for it. Carl and Donut had lots of good gear already, but I'd acquired almost nothing special throughout my time in the dungeon. Was I really going to give away the best, most unique thing I'd received? Besides, how would it look to the viewers if I turned around and handed a Platinum Box item to someone else? I'd seem like a complete fool. They'd have contempt for me.

No. No, I was not going to let my emotions make me stupid. There would be more gear, more loot boxes, but I needed to survive in order to acquire them. Giving the ticket to Donut was the best way to boost my chances for survival.

"Donut," I said, holding out the ticket. "I think you should have this. You are our caster, and—"

"Shhhh!" Donut said, waving a silencing paw at me. "The recap is starting!"

Even as she said that, the logo and opening music sprawled across the screens and the far-too-cheery announcer started going through the latest updates on the dungeon. Crawlers had been wrecking trains in order to get engineer keys. Quan Ch had been wrecking trains in order to kill their ManTauR drivers for the experience. At this point many or most of the train lines were disabled and crawlers were getting desperate. Many were running full-tilt along the tracks, trying to get to the staircases while fighting their way through hordes of mobs.

The rest of the crawlers shown were fighting bosses—mostly Neighborhood bosses, with a scattering of Borough bosses. Only two groups had faced City bosses: Us and a group of 400-ish who had stumbled into a trap at Terminus Station and been wiped out except for a handful who had managed to escape before the boss barrier went up.

I watched my social media numbers as our boss fight was shown; seconds after we appeared on screen my views and followers started shooting up fast, taking me from a hundred billion followers to over three trillion in the span of ten minutes. I also leaped to 500 billion favorites. Donut ended up well over a quadrillion followers and Carl was closing the gap with her after his dramatic run at the Train Baby. My numbers were still in the basement, but it seemed that I was on the right track.

I waited until the episode ended before going back to the topic.

"Donut, you're our caster. I think you should have this." I offered her the Train Ticket; she inspected it curiously without moving anything except her head. "The more spells you have the better it will be for all of us. If I used it to learn Force Shape or Holy Fire, or whatever, it might not be useful because maybe I don't have the mana to cast it."

"No."

"What?"

"I said no. It's your prize, you keep it."

"But—"

"No, Carl, I am not going to take it, so you can stop chatting at me," Donut said sharply. "That's rude. Talk out loud. And apologize to Katia for talking behind her back."

"Goddamnit, Donut," he grunted. He took a breath and made eye contact with me. "I'm sorry for talking behind your back. I think you're right that it would be most useful with Donut. I didn't want to say that out loud because I didn't want to seem greedy."

"It's fine," I said, struggling not to show how not-fine it was that he was using private chat to talk around me.

"I don't care what the two of you think, I am not accepting that ticket," Donut said firmly. "Katia needs to have something unique of her own and this is an excellent option."

"She does have something unique," Carl pointed out, his voice sharp. "She's a doppelganger. She turns into crazy stuff and absorbs things."

"That's her racial ability. It's not unique to her. There are undoubtedly other doppelgangers in the dungeon."

"Probably not, actually," I said. "Bannon, my game guide, said that it was only unlocked due to special circumstances and that it had been a long time since he'd seen it. Mordecai said the same thing. Bannon wasn't allowed to actually tell me to get it, but he kept emphasizing that it was this rare unlock thing and how many options it had and so I took it."

Carl shrugged. "Seems to have worked out so far. You're starting to get a handle on it. The spikes against the Kickada, the cover in the foxhole, that stretched-out arm thing you did to lure the worms, plus the way it let you throw. Pretty good choice if you ask me."

I could feel myself lighting up at the approval and I struggled to keep my demeanor calm. I wasn't going to fangirl out just because a man gave me some praise.

"Excuse me," Donut said. "Stop getting distracted. Katia, I am not accepting your ticket. Activate that thing right now so that we can stop debating this."

My fingers automatically moved to tear the ticket but I caught myself. Remember, interesting people are firm and decisive. They are not compliant to orders, they need to be convinced.

"And you get to determine that...why?" I demanded. "I'm in this party and it is, as you say, my ticket. I can do what I want with it. What I want is for you to have it, because I'm not an idiot. You having it will increase my odds of survival. Be sensible."

"I am being sensible. You're the one who's being ridiculous. Now, use your ticket and stop being so dramatic."

I studied her for several long seconds. I did honestly still want the ticket but at this point I was getting annoyed enough with her high-handed ways that I wanted to force her to take it, just to be contrary. It was ridiculous and I knew it.

"Do not talk to me like a child, Donut."

She cocked her head in surprise. "What?"

"Do not tell me that I'm being ridiculous and then simply order me to do what you want. Tell me why my argument is flawed or admit that you were wrong." Whoa, it was so much easier sounding confident when I was angry!

Donut blinked. "Katia, sweetie, that's your boss prize," she said slowly.

"Yes. It is my boss prize and like all prizes its purpose is to help me stay alive. The best way to do that is for you to have it and us to get you as many spells as we can."

"It's a solid argument," Carl put in. "I'm not saying I agree, but there's a strong case. You're a utility mage, Donut. You've got some DPS and BFC but you're primarily utility. Getting you better options is good for all of us. As an example, if you were able to cast Protective Shell from mana, that would be fantastic. Its radius is based on the caster's Intelligence. If you were the caster the thing would be enormous."

Both Donut and I were looking at him like he'd grown another head.

"What?" he asked.

"DPS? BFC?" I replied.

"Sorry. Gamer slang. I used to play Dungeons and Dragons in the Coast Guard. DPS is 'damage per second'. It's a measure of how hard you can hit. I've got high DPS because of all the damage-multiplier skills I've got. Donut, your DPS isn't great. Your only direct offensive spell is Magic Missile and the damage output isn't keeping up as we level. You also are mediocre at battlefield control—controlling where enemies can move, preventing them from using attacks we can't handle, that kind of thing. The place where you shine is utility. Puddle Jumper, Second Chance...shoot, Clockwork Triplicate on Mongo gives some DPS if the copies claw something or carry dynamite into a room, and it gives some BFC if you order them to guard an area, but it's got a million other uses. Causing a distraction, getting an agent through the bars of a cell, scouting ahead, on and on."

"Hrmph. Well, I don't care what you say. I am not accepting that ticket and I refuse to even discuss the subject anymore." She turned her back on us and sat down, spine rigid in anger.

Carl and I exchanged looks and then shrugs.

"Okay," I said.

Donut looked around. "Okay?"

"Okay. I still think it would be more sensible for you to have it but I'll respect your choice."

"Excellent." She turned around, smiling widely, and stepped forward so that she could butt her head up under my chin. "I knew you would stop being crazy." She flirted her tail across my face, tickling my nose.

I pushed her away with a snort and tore the ticket. It exploded into a shower of glittering golden mist that settled over me with a twinkle of wind chimes.

Skill Acquired: Teacher's Pet, level 1!

I waited to see if there would be more, but there wasn't.

"With that settled, let's talk about crazy," I said with studied casualness. "I've been thinking. Those electrical attacks worked well for me and I've picked up a bunch of electrical resistance abilities as well as...." I grimaced. "'Meatshield' abilities."

"Tank," Carl said.

"What?"

"You're a tank, not a meatshield. Meatshields are generally passive and disposable. They stand in front of you and get hit. Mongo's Clockwork Triplicates could act as meatshields. You're a tank; you draw fire away from the squishy casters and onto yourself, but you also actively participate in the battle and deal damage." He smiled. "It's also a verb. You're the tank, so you tank the damage."

"Oh!" I liked that one much better. "'Tank'. Thank you, that's much better, no matter what the AI says." I stuck my tongue out at the ceiling. "Well, between my various damage reduction abilities, the Taunt spell, and my Constitution, I'm well set up to tank damage. I was thinking I could Taunt enemies into attacking, then hurt them with my spikes and the batteries."

He looked uncertain. "Those batteries soak up a ton of mana potions," he said carefully. "And each battery only had a couple shots in it."

"Never fear, Princess Donut is here!" Donut batted at the air with a paw and a wide-based crystal decanter appeared on the table. "Behold, the Essentialist! It was in my boss box."

I smiled at her antics and checked its properties.

The Essentialist

Fill this decanter to the fill line with distilled water of pH between 6.7 and 7.3, then cast non-AOE spells into it. The mana energy of the spell will be absorbed and infused into the water at a rate of 1:1. If you have no appropriate spells then you may simply place your appendage in the water and mana will be drained from you at a rate of 1 point per second, with half of the drained mana being stored in the water. 100 points of stored mana will cause the water to collapse into a pellet of Mystic Essence. Mystic Essence is a flexible alchemical ingredient that can be used to make many varieties of potions, creams, and lotions including Superb-quality mana potions.

"Nice," I said. "I'm sure that Mordecai will like that very much, but 100 points is still twice your mana pool. How fast do you refill?"

"Two or three points per minute," she said. "A little under half an hour to refill completely."

"It doesn't say how many potions can be made from one of these pellets," Carl pointed out. "If it's 100 points for one potion then we're losing mana, not gaining it."

"It's still a win, since the mana is useless outside of combat," I said. "And you and I don't need mana very much, so we can afford to contribute most of our own."

"I don't know about that. You're going to want enough to use Taunt."

"True. Still. Once we get Mordecai back we can talk to him about it. I don't know how 'Superb quality' mana potions differ from regular ones, but it's something to keep in mind."

"Plus, I got thirty-seven mana potions in my boxes," Donut said.

We both looked at Carl triumphantly. He shook his head ruefully but was smiling.

"Okay," he said. "Let's walk through it. Katia, we get you armored up again so you're covered in metal. You'll need to put a metal mesh over your eyes and mouth so that the Faraday cage is complete. You put wood in your shoes so you're not grounded. You have the battery in contact with yourself. You grab a bad guy, hit the button on the battery, the electricity flows through your outer surface, through them, and into the ground. That what you're thinking?"

I nodded. "Also, I could lengthen my left pinky into a very long, very thin wire. Use it like a taser while still having my hands for normal stuff."

"Well, if it works then I'm all for it. It'll need some testing, and we'll need to practice carefully so that we don't get friendly fire. I'm not anxious to catch an arc from one of those things."

"I'll be careful, promise."

"Oooh, ooh!" Donut said, hopping up and down. "Your box from Princess Formidable! You haven't opened it yet!"

Eep! I let myself get distracted. Oh, gosh, I hope the Princess wasn't offended. Oh, what an idiot I was. Gah.

"Right! Yes, time for the best part!" I flicked through my inventory until I found the appropriate tab and I mentally mashed down on 'Accept Benefactor Box'.

The box sizzled into existence before me, heavy blackened iron with a human skull mounted atop it. It landed on the table with an ominous clunk and the latch snicked open.

Nervously, I lifted the lid.