I’m bored and hungry, which is the worst combination of things to be, in my opinion. Lately, the quality of souls that I have been consuming are, to be honest, barely average. Unfortunately, my underlings have been failing to bring back many good quality souls, much to my disappointment. I mean come on, they should be doing better than this, right? Mortal souls are basically countless, so there should be loads of good quality ones if they’re willing to look hard enough. If this gets any worse, I may have to get up and procure some souls for myself. Oh, the horror. Luckily for me, some motivation should make my servants pick up the slack.

I peered into my snack bowl, hoping that something I would enjoy had apparated out of the ether. Alas, I was not to be so lucky. There were a mere four hundred mediocre souls left, which was barely enough to sate my hunger. It would have to do for now. I picked out a soul at random, playing with my food before I unenthusiastically ate it. I took a closer look at it, as it had been a while since I really examined what I was putting into my body. I mean, you are what you eat, right? Now that I took a look, I noticed that the soul I held belonged to a 27-year-old human male. How quaint. It had been a while since I’ve seen a human, and even longer still since I had been to their home. They hadn’t been such pests then. Oh well it is what it is.

I decided to take an even closer look and peer into the soul itself. This individual had lead a difficult life, one which was mired in hardship and grief, culminating in a gruesome suicide. Even though he had barely achieved anything in life, his experiences and emotions would give him a rather nice melancholy flavour, one that I hadn’t tasted in a while. Perhaps my day wouldn’t be so bad. I decided to torment the mortal, so that his taste would be ever so sweeter.

“Are you… are you going to eat me? Is this actually real?”

“Yes, I will eat you, and I will enjoy doing it. The life you have led has given you quite the flavour. If I were to compare you to something familiar, you would be a lovely quality steak. Oh yes, you have done well in fulfilling your duty.”

“My… duty? My duty is to have my soul consumed!? That’s all we are? Just food for you?”

“Oh yes, and also others like me. Nothing you mortals consume can sustain us you see, so your purpose is to grow. Grow big, juicy and succulent so that you may be enjoyed.”

“So, everyone just ends up eaten, huh? This is the ever so anticipated afterlife? Everyone just ends up being eaten by your fat arse?”

“Hey, I’m not fat! I’m at a healthy weight! And besides, its not like every mortal ends up in my great halls. Only the ones that my minions collect end up in my mouth. You should be pleased human. Giving me sustenance is a greater purpose than anything you have achieved.”

“So, you collected me? I could have ended up somewhere else? Could you… could you possibly put me back?”

“No.”

“Shit.”

“Goodbye, mortal.”

“No, no please don’t do this. No, stop that. LET ME GO! PLEASE! PLEASE LET ME GO! OH MY GOD AAAAGHHHhh.”

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I had sat there for a while, letting his emotions wash over me. The general depression and sadness had provided the main taste, with the terror he experienced at the end of his life giving it some lovely sourish notes. I would have to get more depressed mortals. They taste pretty good.

Speaking of getting more mortals, I’m pretty sure I sent Marado to the Soul Vault for some grocery shopping. Actually, I sent him out a couple of days ago, so why isn’t he back yet? Oh well, if the quality of souls he offers me isn’t excellent, he’ll be the one on the table.

But still, what could be taking him so long?