"It took some doing, but once upon a time, I acquired this book- a copy from a library in Sigil, the City of Doors," Volex began.

"Remind me again what Sigil is?" Neloteth asked. "Knowledge(The Planes) is no longer on my class skill list."

"The metropolis at the metaphysical center of the Great Wheel of the Outer Planes," I said. "It's got portals to all kinds of places. Sorry, Volex, please continue."

"It's a Material Plane, but unlike our own, it has, essentially, a level cap of 6," Volex said. "Once you reach sixth level, every 5,000 XP you gain in excess of that earns you a Feat."

"Oh holy shit," I said.

"Why are we not there right now?" Neloteth asked.

"Frankly, because neither Elendar nor I actually trust you two to be on your own," Volex said. "Where you're going is a place whose overal social structures and political landscape resemble our own past, upwards of four hundred years ago, before the Papal Wars and the Pact of Red Faith. The world you two grew up in is safe, prosperous, and sophisticated, with universities and the Magistry. The world we're preparing to send you into is one where, outside a declining imperium, the most sophisticated states hardly qualify for the title, operating under systems of vassalage and manorialism."

"Knowledge(History) is not on my class skill list either," Neloteth said.

"We're going back to an era of petty kings, crusading knights, and barbarian hordes," I translated. "Wiping our asses with leaves, spinning yarn by hand, and pavement as a luxury. And because the infrastructure isn't well-developed, they haven't hit the critical mass where building new infrastructure is more profitable for the same effort than simply taking farmland from your neighbors. Which means literally constant wars of aggression and conquest, and raiding as a fact of life."

"...I see why we're being cautious," Neloteth said carefully.

"So, as you can see, ample opportunity for grinding out XP, but also ample opportunity for getting murdered horribly," Elendar said. "Considering that possibility, I've taken the liberty of growing literally a thousand clones of each of you."

"You don't seem to have any concept of overkill," I said. "How the hell did you get that done in any reasonable timeframe, though?"

"Planar Binding can summon more than just Efreeti," Elendar said with a shrug. "I paid a Hound Archon to handle all the gruntwork."

"Anyhow, while you two go fighting in petty wars and raids, Elendar and I will be making our own preparations on the Outer Planes. Hopefully we can make some useful allies," Volex said. "The best case scenario is finding a way for our allies on the Outer Planes to help us level-grind; if no more compelling alternative presents itself, we'll just go to Ysgard and walk with confidence for a month or so."

"Ysgard is..." Neloteth prompted.

"Ysgard is an afterlife where petitioners fight, drink, and fuck for all eternity," I said. "You die there, you wake back up the next morning, fit as a fiddle. Ysgard is probably the only place in the universe where showing up to looking to level-grind is socially acceptable."

"So why aren't we starting there?" Neloteth asked.

"Ysgard doesn't have a levelcap, and losing a day because some Level 20 Ruby Knight Vindicator thought you'd be a fun challenge would be inefficient, as well as traumatizing," Volex said. "Clerical magic can only fix the physical scars of death. The mental scars have to be dealt with the hard way."

"...Well, that's encouraging," I said. "What're we waiting for? Pain and suffering for fun and profit, let's fucking go baby."

We stepped through the portal, which closed behind us, out onto the slope of a craggy, barren mountain. At this distance, I could see far, and down below, nestled in a river valley in the foothills, was either a well-populated village or an unambitious town.

"So..." I began, wondering how we were going to get down from the mountain. I had, for what had seemed like a good idea at the time, not prepared Fly after my Timeless nap to let all those delicious experience points soak in and become new Wizard levels. "...What do you do for fun?"

"Reading about places more exciting than where I'm from, wishing I could go there," Neloteth said, before whistling. "A lot of it is hard to remember now, except for the descriptions of all the wonderful, utterly bizarre wildlife."

"The hell is that noi- Pelor's nutsack!"

"Like the Fleshraker, a venomous dinosaur closely related to the Velociraptor," Neloteth said, reaching out and scratching the chin of the seven foot tall dinosaur that had appeared out of Fucking Nowhere. I only had one rank in Knowledge(Nature)- I'd decided to put a single rank in every Knowledge skill, if only so that the upgraded Book of Truth +30 Elendar had given me would actually accomplish something- but it was enough to know that these things were found in forests, not barren mountaintops. Pretty much no wildlife was found on barren mountaintops. Where the fuck did this thing come from? "They're the most common animal companion for Druids Level 4 and up, because of just how gutrendingly lethal they are. It's amazing, really."

"...Well, we're in a more exciting place than where we're from, that's for sure," I said. "For a given value of exciting. The nightlife scene might be a little less developed than we'd like, f'rinstance."

"Well, then, we'll just have to develop it ourselves in whatever city we end up setting up shop in," Neloteth said with a shrug. "Speaking of civilization, it's not getting any closer just standing here. Let's go down there, find some trouble, and get ourselves crowned as queens."

"Well, we did find trouble," I said with a sigh, tying up another bandit. "We have also found a compelling argument that a dozen CR 1/2 enemies does not actually add up to a challenge appropriate for Level 6 characters."

"A Level 6 and a Level 4," Neloteth corrected me.

"Ah, of course, my mistake," I said.

"Greenbound Summoning is a fantastic feat," Neloteth added. "Everything I summon gets a free casting of Wall of Thorns, which is normally a 5th level spell, and is still quite nice to have at that level."

"I'm suddenly wishing I'd been properly-statted for Druidism, rather than Wizardry," I said wistfully. "Sure, being the best utility caster in the world is nice, but sometimes you just want to wreck some fools."

"But then I wouldn't get to have a Wizardly housewife to enact horrible violence in the name of," Neloteth.

"Speaking of housewife and... actually, you know what, we should talk about this after we deal with these assholes somehow," I said, turning to regard our live captives. "I'm a little fuzzy on my history, on account none of it actually happened here, but I think they should have magistrates by now..."

One thing this world did have were wealthy elites who fully understood hospitality. See, for rich people, owning a big house wasn't just waving their architectural dicks around. It was for hosting guests, often in large numbers, which was one of the basic social obligations of the upper class. And while, sure, neither Neloteth nor I had met any of these people before this morning, a Level 6 Wizard blowing into town with a dozen bandits tied up behind them was a noteworthy sight in my world, let alone a place where Level 6 was the height of power. We were almost immediately offered the hospitality of the local lord, a Fighter of middling prowess by the name of Gwendolyn Slarnway.

I was distressed to learn that this town was, indeed, named Slarnway, but not to their faces. That'd be rude.

"Well, we've got privacy now, I think," I said, as Neloteth brushed out her hair, preparing for bed. "Now's as good a chance as any to talk about our feelings."

"About what?" Neloteth asked.

"Well, I'm guessing from the fact that you made out with me that you seem to like me in some regard," I said. "So, uh... Maybe you wouldn't mind making a few things explicit to me? Whether or not you do in fact like me, the regard in which you do so?"

"Hrm..." Neloteth stopped brushing her hair, setting the brush down on the vanity- its mirror was small, and made of polished brass. "...I think you're attractive, and I'm willing to take it on faith that if Mom and Volex like you, you're probably pretty decent."

"That's... a start," I admitted. "Considering we barely know each other... It's downright reasonable, even."

"Of course, since we're stuck with each other for the next however long, until Volex or Mom decide we've got enough XP, I don't see why we can't get to know each other better," Neloteth said. "What do you do for fun, Selva?"

"...I've been a PhD candidate for the past two years, you're going to have to give me a moment to remember what fun is," I said.

"I've got time," Neloteth said, grinning at me. She was pretty, in most of the ways elves were usually pretty. Her features weren't quite so sharp as was typical, though, and in fact, below the neck, she was downright approaching "curvaceous." A body type not typically associated with the elves you saw most often in our corner of the world, but most certainly not unappreciated.

"...I seem to spend most of my downtime reading," I said, finally. "Learning about things I haven't and never will formally be educated in, but which I find interesting enough anyways. Sometimes it's historical orcish subsistence patterns, sometimes it's the process by which miners and foundry workers and blacksmiths turn a hill made of red rocks into good-quality steel, and sometimes it's all of the nuance and context necessary to truly appreciate one specific Celestial boner joke."

"What was the joke?"

"Telling it would require you to speak Celestial. Making you actually get it would involve parroting the book back to you in full. Neither of us wants that."

"Fair enough," Neloteth allowed.

"So, yeah, I like to read and learn about the world. You seem to also like reading and learning about the world," I said. "Once we get back home, we'll probably have plenty of book recommendations to share. In the meantime... Wanna make out?"

"Sounds good to me."