《Xeno on Planet Erde》Chapter 23 – It’s Fun To Mess With Idiots
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"Okay. Each of you place your hand on the screen here,” the Daimon instructs. I place my hand on the screen and it shines brightly as it scans my hand I assume. Volt and Blake do the same when it is their turn.
“Okay, you are all set. Here are your ID badges. Present them to the officials the day of your event. Your schedules are on the back of your ID badges. Do not lose your badges. If you do, you will have to pay a fee to get a replacement. Good luck in the Union City Annual Competitions,” the Daimon official hands the three of us blue cards with writing on them. I look at it and it reads as follows:
Name: Lindsey “Kookie” Shin
Race: Other
Age: 25
Events: Obstacle Course, Combat Challenge, Warzone Battle
Sponsor: Justine von Gustogh of Clan Gustof, 4th Princess of the Daemon Clans
Hometown: Unknown
“Excuse me, madam?” I try to get the Daimon’s attention. “How did you know my actual name is Lindsey Shin?”
“Your sponsor told me,” she says flatly.
I glare at Justine who merely smiles at me. Oh well, whatever. At least “Kookie” is still on there. I look back at the ID Badge and I chuckle to myself at the hometown. I had told her that to see if the she would say anything. Guess not. She didn’t care apparently. Well, I am officially not from anywhere. Unless there really is a city or village called “Unknown.” I smile as I look through my schedule. From the looks of things, there are more events than just the 6 that were listed on the pillar. Damn. Wish I knew that. I would have like to participate in more events. But then, I would be further into debt with Clan Gustof. Not only that, Clan Gustof has one scary ass enforcer. To make matters worse, I’m dating that enforcer. Someone remind me why I agreed to that? Just because she’s pretty isn’t worth all the abuse. Oh wait, now I remember; she has cookies. My only source of cookies on the fucking cookie-less planet.
But cookies aside, I’m eager to get this competition underway. I am eager to show off my “skills.” I wonder how large the obstacle course is...Well, it doesn’t matter. I’m going to have a lot of fun in that event and there is a chance my plan will work to allow me to win at least one race easily. Provided of course, the officials agree with what I do. There is obviously a chance that they will just disqualify me, but I think I can sweet talk my way to victory. Or maybe, I won’t have to sweet talk my way. Maybe I will be able to just win. Hehehe.
“Linds, you’re doing your quiet creepy laugh. What did you do?” Volt asks me suspiciously.
“Nothing,” I reply. “Yet.”
I get a look from Blake. Clearly they don’t believe me. Justine would but she isn’t paying any attention. She’s busy talking to Sharkie for some reason. Damnit. The one time I need her bullshit detector to work and she isn’t next to me. That useless bitch.
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“Hun, what did you do?”
“Nothing!” I declare throwing my hands up to feign my helplessness. “I swear! I didn’t do anything!!! Yet…”
Blake sighs at this and shakes her head. Volt rolls his eyes and reads his badge. “Looks like we have a few days before the Combat Challenge and a week before the Warzone. Blake is doing the Rifle Challenge tomorrow. When is your Obstacle Course?”
“No idea.”
“Doesn’t it say on the ID badge?”
“Maybe. But I didn’t read the schedule yet.”
“…READ THE DAMN SCHEDULE, LINDSEY!!”
“Okay. Okay. Sheesh… Looks like I will be competing after Blake but before our Combat Challenge. Hey Volt, why didn’t you sign up for the Rifle Challenge as well? I would have thought a gun nut like you would want to compete in that.”
“Didn’t feel like it. Plus, we can’t keep adding to the debt to Clan Gustof.”
“Fair enough.”
Justine at this point has come over and grabbed me suddenly. I glance at her and she has a wild look in her eyes. Huh. Interesting. Something has spooked her, or she is pissed at me for some reason. Is it because I told the official my hometown is “Unknown”? Or did she catch me looking the official up and down? I mean, that official was also quite pretty, and Justine is the jealous type after all. Before I could ask her what is up, she starts to pull me in a hurry and towards the nearest door. I look behind me and I see Sharkie is quickly following. Okay. So, either they saw someone they don’t like or I’m about to have some freaky threesome with two aliens. One of which is a shark. I hope it isn’t the latter.
Blake and Volt see this happening and wisely decide to follow us. Once we enter the room that turns out to be a supply closet, Justine closes the door but leaves a crack open to peak out of. Sharkie has his hands hovering near his knife. Seeing this, Volt has one hand near his pistol while Blake swings her rifle around to in front of her. I am not digging this seriousness. What could possibly be causing this kind of tension?
“Justine,” I say, “What is going on?”
“Francois and I think we saw that Elf from our interviews,” she explains.
“You mean Asshole?” I ask.
“Yes. Lieutenant Alex Pamish. I did not want to run into him again. Especially since he is with his friends this time.”
“Oh is that all?” I smile.
Volt at this moment smiles as well while Blake face palms. I think they both know exactly what I plan to do. What’s even better is that I will have Volt to back me up this time.
“So, brother of mine. Shall we?”
“Oh hell yes, brother of mine.”
I do a little jump to kiss Justine on the cheek. What? I’m short. I am barely up to her chin on my tiptoes. Volt opens the door and bows to let me through first.
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“Why thank you!” I sarcastically say.
“Ladies first!”
“Wait what are you two…” Justine starts to ask but I ignore her and run out of the room. I quickly spot the green haired Elf who is presently surrounded by four other Elves. All of them have green hair. Asshole is the shortest whereas the other Elves are all around 5 feet ten inches. Two males and two females. They are all armed with nunchucks and pistols. If I have to venture a guess, I’m going to say they are all siblings. I bet you that Alex is the oldest. This is how the stories always go. The one with the Napoleon complex is always the leader and the oldest and the biggest douchebag.
It looks like they have just completed their registrations since I can see them looking at blue cards. Good. I don’t have to feel guilty for involving some innocent official. Oh man this will be fun.
“Asshole! Hey Asshole! Over here, Asshole!” I run towards the green haired group while waving my arms wildly.
Asshole looks up from his card, sees me, and scowls. “You.”
“Holy shit,” I beam at him, “you actually responded to ‘Asshole’! Is that not a word in Union City?”
“What do you want?” he asks while crossing his arms. I can see one hand twitching towards his nunchucks. Well, better than the pistol.
“Can’t I say ‘Hi’ to a friend?”
“We are NOT friends, half-breed.”
“Sure we are! Look, here comes my brother! Volt, this is Asshole! He’s the one who interviewed me and even let me pee in front of him!”
At this, Asshole looks even more pissed (heh, pissed), while his group looks both confused and shocked.
“Elder Alex, what does he mean?” one of the female Elves asks.
“Noth…”
“OH I had to pee!” I interrupt him. “He let me take a piss on a tree outside of the ship and when I was done, I wiped my hands on him. He’s such a sweetheart.”
The group all stare at Asshole who is literally on fire now. He is staring death glares into me. I bet 20 credits he is going to swing his nunchucks at me. 20 cre….oh here it comes. I duck ever so slightly and approach the female Elf who spoke.
“Hello there! Are you Asshole’s little sister? What’s your name?” I ask as I grab her hand and shakes it.
“YOU DARE SPEAK TO…” Asshole shouts at me but gets interrupted by Volt who grabs his hands.
“Asshole! I had wanted to meet you! Sorry if my hands feel a bit damp but I just pooped. Don’t worry, the wetness isn’t shit. I spat on my hands to clean them!” Volt happily explains as he winks at me. Well played, Volt.
“Miss, I still didn’t get your name!” I gently say to the female Elf.
“DO NOT ANS…GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF OF ME, HALF-BREED!” Asshole starts to command before Volt pats Asshole on the cheek, distracting him.
“Um. I’m Sarah. This is Emily, my older sister. Brett and Samuel here are younger twin brothers. Elder Alex, why did you...”
“A pleasure to meet you all!” I interrupt Sarah and proceed to shake hands with all of them. Asshole is now fully engaged with trying get out of death grip that Volt has on his hand. He looks like he is in pain. Yeah man, I know that feeling all too well. Volt has a vice grip.
“What events are you all participating in?” I ask them.
Brett speaks up. “Elder Alex signed us all up for the Wargame Battle. He says it is the only event worth participating in.”
“Great! I agree! Well, hopefully we will meet you on the battlefield then! Oh look, here comes my girlfriend!”
At this, the group looks behind me and immediately bow. Justine waves at them.
“That is not necessary.”
“Apologies, Your Highness,” Samuel says. Looks like Asshole’s family is at the very least, respectful. Asshole at this moment is still grimacing at Volt’s grip but is trying to put up a brave face.
“Justine! Will you tell yo…” Asshole starts to practically scream.
“I did not give you permission to call me by name.”
Asshole looks away, blushing. And still in pain. I nod at Volt who now releases his grip. We all can see Asshole trying very hard to not shake and fight the urge to massage his hand.
“Well, Asshole, it was a pleasure to see you again! Samuel, Brett, Emily, and Sarah. A pleasure to make your acquaintances,” I beam at them. I then reach at Justine with a hand and place it behind her head. I pull her down to my face and deeply kiss her, right in front of Asshole and company. At this, I hear a collective gasp and feel the temperature rise just ever so slightly. I bet he set his hair on fire. After I pull away from Justine, I look at the group one last time, smile, bow, and turn away. And for the bonus, I place my hand on Justine’s butt and give it a little pat causing her to slightly jump. And at that, we walk away from the very confused group of green haired Elves and one very pissed (heh) off Elf. I look over at Justine’s face which has a slight smile on it. Ahead of us, Blake is shaking her head and Sharkie is laughing his ass off. Volt and I fist bump (he did spit on his hands after all) as we all exit the stadium.
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