Erde is officially the worst, most backwards, uncultured, uncivilized, disgusting, vomit-inducing, savage planet in all of the known universes. I don’t give a flying fuck how hot the natives are here because they are some of the dumbest pieces of shit I have ever encountered. I haven’t encountered any of the other races yet but I bet they are probably just as dumb and uneducated as these bitching morons in front of me. No, you hush logical side of Lindsey Shin! FUCK YOU! I don’t want to hear it. This planet officially can suck my balls. Actually, they are unworthy of sucking my balls. Fuck this alien planet. Fuck Erde. What kind of a name is Erde? Dumbass stupid name. Fuck parallel universes. Fuck it all. I’m done. I don’t want be here anymore. Get me home. Wormhole, open up and take me home.

Why am I so angry? Did Justine just attack me again you ask? No. Want to know why I’m so pissed? Well, let me ask you a question. Take a seat. Ready? Here is my question for you.

What kind of people don’t know what a fucking cookie is?!?!

Blasphemy!! You uncultured swines. Volt, Blake, Sky, we’re leaving. Look at me! Stop talking with that old hag! Damnit! LISTEN TO YOUR CAPTAIN AS HE ATTEMPTS TO TELEPATHICALLY COMMUNICATE WITH YOU, ASSHOLES!!! God damn fucking bitch ass gingers. No respect. Follow the chain of command. Be psychic and know that I am fuming here! No wonder you have no souls. Probably trying to eat these tasteless Daemon’s souls I bet. Hmph.

Okay. Enough of that little mental temper tantrum. I don’t think anyone picked up on that. I am frozen with a smile on my face for the past 5 minutes. Yup. That entire time, I was pretending to be happy. Why would I be so angry about aliens not know what a cookie is? Well, it isn’t because they don’t know what it is, it is what they did. Let me tell you what happened.

The BattleChief had her daughter bring out some interesting smelling hot tea. At least, I think it was tea. It tasted like strawberries and mints. She also brought out some chocolate cake looking thingy. It was extremely fluffy, poofy, and jiggled when I poke it with the two-prong fork the Daemons gave us. It was good but it felt weird. It tasted like chocolate cake and had the texture of cotton candy that later morphed into jello in my mouth. So fucking weird. They tried to give some to Sky but I told them that Sky doesn’t eat. After a lot of poking and prodding, I “rescued” Sky and told it to go find a corner and recharge his power packs.

That taken care of, I beamed at the three Daemons and asked if there were any cookies. Instead of nodding, they just looked at me like I was speaking gibberish to them. I tried to explain what a cookie was but only succeeded in getting the Daemons more and more confused until I finally reached into my survival bag and grabbed one of my emergency chocolate chip cookie stash. I gave it to them, explaining that this was what was called a cookie and is a popular snack back on Earth. They examined it like it was the most marvelous thing before stating that they have never seen anything like it before. Of course it was! I held my hand out to get it back but they broke it apart into three pieces and ate MY cookie! I froze. MY cookie…MINE. It…They…they…they just fucking ate it!! Without asking!! Just…took it and ate it!! Right there in front of me!! What was that about honor and all? These Daemons lack it. I hate this planet.

I know that I had just said that I had enough of a temper tantrum only to go right back into another one but cookies are sacred foods. You can’t just take someone’s cookie then eat it without asking! Well, technically I do that and I steal cookies regularly from Blake and Volt but that’s only because I’m an asshole and I have no shame. Oh shit, the BattleChief is asking me something. What did she ask? I’ll just keep smiling and nod. Huh? Why are you guys staring at me? Am I supposed to do something? Seriously. Guys, I wasn’t paying attention. At all. What’s going on? Volt, why do you have a look of surprise on your face? Blake? What’s happening?

“Hun, are you going to give them more cookies or not?”

What was that Blake? I don’t think I heard you correctly. I’m supposed to give something to them? What? My shirt? They want my shirt? Actually, a better question is why are the Daemons looking at me with such eagerness?? Oh…..…Son. Of. A. Bitch.

Still smiling, I reach into my bag and pull out the last three cookies I had hidden in there. It’s too rude to give my hosts only one. I should give them each a whole…sob...a whole…cookie. With great reluctance and a heavy heart, I give them the last of my cookies. The last cookies on this godforsaken planet.

“Here. These are what we call chocolate chip cookies. They are my favorite kinds and extremely delicious! I hope you enjoy them!” and I hope you fucking choke on them, you fucking assholes. Keep smiling. Keeeeep smiling. Blake, stop giving me an apologetic look. You know how much I treasure my cookies. This is your fault. Well, actually, it’s my fault for not paying attention but I’m still blaming you, Blake. This fucking sucks. I haven’t had a cookie since we launched yesterday. Now I’ll never have a cookie. I just want to leave now. Speaking of leaving…

“How far of a walk is Union City from here?” I ask the Daemons as they scarf down my cookies. Sigh. Sob. Sob. Bye-bye my precious cookies. I’m sorry my belly couldn’t enjoy you instead.

“Why you would walk to Union City? You could just get a ride on a blimp. There’s one that is scheduled to arrive tomorrow morning,” Biran explains as he drinks some of his tea. “It’s a 2 day ride that way. No need to walk for a year to get to the city!”

“Father. They do not have any identifications. How would they get past the guards?”

“Your mother is the BattleChief. She can give them identifications. And these…cookies are amazing!”

“Too bad we can’t just wave our hands at the guards to let us through,” I whisper to Volt and Blake who immediately start snickering. Fortunately, the Daemons are so focused on their conversation that they don’t notice the three of us goofing off. We should be respectful. I’m a terrible person. But fuck it. They ate my cookies. I reserve the right to be disrespectful right now.

“And what race shall do you propose I classify them, Biran? Aliens? I don’t think that would work.”

“What about half-breeds? They kind of look like Elves but without the pointed ears. Daimons have round ears don’t they? Half-breeds of Elves and Daimons,” Biran suggests.

“Elves and Daimons? That may work. The two races do mingle with one another quite frequently. And usually when a child is born from such a union, it doesn’t have any wings. The only issue would be the Captain.”

“Why would I be an issue?”

“Because…the average height of an Elfin-Daimon is about Biran’s height. And black hair isn’t common.”

“Don’t worry about that. We’ll just say that our Captain here is a mutant or something. Don’t worry about him,” Volt grins at me. Fucking hell. IS THIS A PLANET OF GIANTS?!?!

“Very well. I shall go get the necessary documents made. Justine, take the guests to their rooms and show them where the bath house is.”

“Yes, Mother.”

We grab out bags and follow Justine out of the room and further into the mansion, castle, whatever the fuck this place is technically called. Blake picks up Sky on the way out since it is still recharging its power packs. I look around and surprisingly I find not an Asian themed interior, but more of an African theme. It’s an excellent mind fuck when on the outside, everything is so Asian and then start seeing tribal masks and fertility statues everywhere. There are even some spears on display. But mixed in with these are some artworks that seem to drawn in the style of Vincent Van Gogh. Yet, they do not portray any work that I would instantly recognize. Instead, what is drawn are towering buildings and flying…are those bunnies? Those are totally bunnies. Bunnies that can fly. Huh. Go figure. Wait, is that a pig warrior statue? Yes, yes it is. I bet that is one of the so called Beastmen, or Beasts as Justine had called them. I wonder who that is? He looks, I think it is a he, there are no boobs…wait would Beasts even have boobs? Anyways, he looks pretty badass. Those are bullets wrapped around him, aren’t they? Yup, definitely bullets. He’s holding what looks like two mounted machine guns in his hands. I wonder if he is a real person or from some movie…I’ll probably ask one of the Daemons later, if I remember. Actually, why were the Daemons using melee weapons when they have guns? I should definitely remember to ask that later.

Volt is looking at the statue too but not at the figure, no, he is checking out the guns. What a gun maniac. I remember he has a collection of antique guns. Everything from the first musket to the first laser gun. All of that tucked neatly away in his gun room back on Earth. Heh. Guess now would be a good time to start collecting again, brother. After all, they probably have different kinds of guns than we do!

“Linds, have you inventoried your bag yet?” Volt suddenly asks me.

“No, why? I mean, I just packed what you expect: a tent for myself, a portable sleeping bag, a solar energy recharger, my emergency cookies that I no longer have, my knife, a flint, some MREs, some rope, an insulated water bottle, and a portable hammock. Did you add something?”

“I did. A couple things actually. There should be a pistol in there and a grenade maker belt.”

“What the fuck did you expect me to encounter on Europa?!?! It’s a fricking ice moon!!”

“Better safe than sorry, Linds,” Volt shrugged.

I set my bag down and start pulling out everything. Sigh. I’m going to have to repack all this later but ever since Justine decided to use me as a punching bag, I feel like I should arm myself. This survival bag is almost as big as I am and ridiculously heavy. Yet, instead finding my knife and gun being at the very top of my bag, they are at the very bottom. Son. Of. A. Bitch. Finally, I find the two items and the grenade maker belt. I strap the gun Volt gave me to my waist. He really went all out and got me the same kind of gun that he has. Top of the line. Should be some batteries in here too then. Yup, there they are. Let’s take them out and carry them too. I attach my knife’s sheath to the grenade maker belt which I strap over my right shoulder and across my chest. Yeah, I totally feel like I’m back in my military days participating in all those solo stealth missions. Those were NOT good times. Can you imagine having to hold your bladder for days on end in the middle of an enemy encampment? Yeah, not exactly my definition of fun.

Oh those grenade makers? Nifty little things. You can wear them as a belt or a shoulder strap like I did. What they do is they will create little grenades for you. I think they somehow convert the nitrogen in the air into something that will be explosive. The materials to hold in that gas? Not a fucking clue how that was made. I fell asleep in that class too. Not because of an all-nighter with a beautiful woman this time. Nope. I was playing this ridiculously awesome video game and told myself I’ll stop at the next save point…except that save point was after a bunch of cut scenes and I could not for life of me, figure out how to skip cut scenes!! But the way I figure was that what I really needed to know about this belt is the following: belt makes things that hold things that will go boom. Throw said first thing away from body. First thing release second thing to create boom. Boom kills. Avoid boom. Boom is bad. Unless boom destroys your enemies. Then boom is good. But you should avoid boom. Repeat, avoid boom. If get in contact with boom, death.

“The married couple’s room is on the right. Little Lindsey can take the one on the left.”

“I hate you, Justine.”

“The feeling is mutual,” she snaps back as she walks away. “I will wake you in the morning. The bath is just down the hall.”

“Hun, do you really have to keep antagonizing your future wife?”

“Fuck you Blake. I’m going to go pass out for a bit before going to take a bath.”

I storm into my room, toss my bag onto the ground and just plop face first into the mattress. Fucking hell it has been a long day. Waking up on an alien planet, finding out there is no way home, getting attacked by an alien. Fuuuuuuck I’m tired. I’m actually kind of glad they have a mattress here instead of a futon that I was expecting. The mattress is ridiculously soft and seems to envelop me.

As I try to relax, my mind starts to drift back to Earth. To my friends and adopted parents. I wonder how they are doing now. It is just now occurring to me that I will never see them again. I will never be able to hug my adopted parents. Did I ever thank them for seeing me as their own son? Did I ever tell them I love them? When was the last time I spoke with them? I wonder if they think Volt and I are dead. Oh man, we’re probably considered dead back on Earth. Heh. It would be awesome to be able to pop up on television and go “APRIL FOOLS!! We’re alive!!” Too bad that probably will never happen. We’re not going home anytime soon.

What the fuck happened? Fucking wormhole. Why would a wormhole just randomly appear? Fucking hell. I would love to go back home and see only one sun in the sky, not two. It’s the little things. Sure things were not perfect back on Earth. War still is being fought in some countries. Hell, I had to secretly participate in some myself. Not everyone is friendly and some people are just outright dicks. But in the end of it all, THAT is home. My home. My planet. I know the inhabitants there. I know the land. I want to try my hands at surfing a tidal bore. I want to attempt to climb Mount Everest. I want to climb inside Andrew Jackson’s nose at Mount Rushmore and deface it. There was a girl I wanted to ask out too. What was her name? Jessica? Why am I so bad with names? She was the coffee girl who knows my order the moment she seems me. A large coffee with tons of cream and 6 packs of sugar.

Speaking of not knowing names, I wonder what happened to Moletits. Hell, I wanted to try to find Moletits even though it has been years since I last saw her. Now I am robbed of that option. Forever. And worst of all, I miss cookies. Delicious, fucking chocolate chip cookies. As these thoughts ran through my mind, my eyes start to water and flow a little. I don’t want to make a sound in case these walls are not soundproof. I don’t want Volt and especially Blake to see me like this. Ever. Not out of pride or anything but because they are probably experiencing these exact feelings. Why breakdown when we have to make the best of the situation and survive? Breaking down should be reserved to alone time…like now. Fuck this whole thing sucks. And not the good kind of sucking. The kind where they use teeth and trying to bite it off. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fu…Did someone just knock on the door? Go away. I’m wallowing in my sorrow. Leave me be. Go away. I’m busy. Wait, the door just opened. Go. Away. You’re saying something. I’m ignoring you. I’m busy. I’m masturbating. I need privacy. Leave me please. Hey, stop kicking my leg. Sigh. Fine. Let’s hope the mattress absorbed all my tears. Smile. And tuuuurn.

“Hello Justine. Why are you kicking me?”

“You were not responding. I was checking to see if you died.”

“How very fucking nice of you. But I’m alive and fine, thank you very much.”

I really wish she would just leave. She is definitely not someone I want to deal with right now. Just leave will you? Why are you still standing over me? The harshness in her eyes has softened as she looks at me closely.

“Lie.”

“What?”

“That was a lie. Just like earlier. You are lying.”

“I am healthy and of sound mind, for the most part. So for all intent and purposes, I’m fine.”

There. A truth. Now go away.

“Lie.”

“Seriously? Fine. Leave me alone. I want to be left alone right now.”

Just let me pass out and sleep. Maybe I will wake up and find out this is all just a dream.

“Lie.”

“DAMNIT JUSTINE!! WHY WON’T YOU JUST LEAVE?!”

“Because you do not want to be alone right now.”

“…”

“…”

“I hate you, Justine.”

She is seriously getting on my nerves.

“Lie.”

“Fuck you.”

“I do not completely hate you either.”

“…”

“You are an uncouth, insolent, childish being. But I have seen how your eyes shine with pure happiness when you first saw me despite being attacked and trapped in a fire cage. I have seen how you make jokes to keep your sister-in-law smiling and your brother laughing. You act without thinking, but you genuinely have fun doing so. It is…intriguing. And strange.”

“…” Why are you analyzing me? Go away.

“I do not completely hate you. You are…interesting.”

“Is there a point to this?”

“You are good are hiding your feelings from others. Mother and Father did not see it but you lied earlier when you gave us those cookies. I do not know what you lied about though.”

“So?”

“You were upset.”

“I was also upset when you kept trying to drown me! I wanted to beat the shit out of you!”

“Lie.”

“God. Damnit. How the fuck does that lie detector of yours work?!?!”

Seriously, I can pass lie detectors back on Earth with no problem but this girl is telling me I’m lying even when I don’t really know it! Yet, she’s definitely right each time she calls me out on a lie.

“You accepted my…harshness. Why is that?”

“…” Hell if I know. I REALLY do not like how she is nailing everything. She only has known me for a few hours and she already knows me better than everyone, including Blake and Volt.

“Regardless, you were quite upset about the cookies. I imagine they must have been important to you. So…I uh…made some for you. As an apology. For how I treated you today.” Justine grabs my hand shoves a small, crudely wrapped, blue paper bag that is tied with a white ribbon.

I look up at her completely stunned. She did something nice for me. I gaze back at the bag and slowly open it. Inside are 6 perfectly round chocolate chip cookies. Cookies. My eyes start to water again at the sight of them. It’s stupid to get emotional over cookies, I know, but I literally had just convinced myself that I will never see cookies, Earth, home, or my adopted parents ever again. Now, something that just ever so slightly resembling home is in my hands. Of course I would get emotional. Before I could stop myself, I throw my arms around Justine's waist and bury my face in her stomach. As I hug her tightly, all my emotions that I had held in ever since I woke up come pouring out as I cry silently. Instead of pushing me away, she embraces me gently and runs a hand through my hair, gently petting me.

“I lost my homeland to the Contagion. I have never been there nor have I ever set foot there. But I understand and sympathize with your pain of not being able to go home,” she whispers to me. My tears flow like a waterfall down my cheeks and into her shirt. Fuck, this is embarrassing.

“Justine von Gustogh of Clan Gustof, I swear that if you tell Volt or Blake what happened here, I will shoot you in the face with my gun set on maximum stun.”

I pull my face out of her shirt, leaving a nice wet spot in its place. I glance up to see her gently smiling down at me. She brings a hand to my face and delicately wipes away some of my tears.

“Truth.”

“I accidentally crushed the cookies.”

“Sigh…truth.”