500 and 2 days…

WELL LETS NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!

Jeez louise what in the heckadoodles was that.

Wait wait waait that isn’t even me.

“Ahem” Got to prepare my very unprepared self, wow never thought I’d be back here

..

.

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF AIAG WAS THAT?!?”

“Oh hey Joat” a pitbull-beastman casually waves a hand at me before going back to casually flirting with the robin, whose rosy bosom is disturbingly feathered but you know what I’ll take it…or not as the pitbull is wearing a spiky collar, oh his own making? I mean I’m pretty sure they don’t sell spiky collars which look like someone’s stuck a bunch of sharp bits of metal in a leather belt.

Or maybe they do, hey I’m who am I to judge. But seriously, you’re gonna poke out your dates eyes, well breasts at this rate.

“Bark, please tell me you bite” Well…I guess I know who I’m following around until I figure out what I want to do now.

Walking nonchalantly through the still lively market of…err here? I tail the two flirtatious couple and have a quick peek at the stalls of food.

After sixteen months of imprisonment, I need a snack. Aaand I have no money…

Sighing, I slide through the crowds, recognizing a few people, I think? Mostly because they do stand out with their torn up leather armour, but some I do genuinely recognize: Wirra and Dirra(?) are buying some fresh fish, of some kind (I don’t know I’m not a fish expert. It’s flat and slimy, describes about 90% of them).

“H-” Yeah…I cut myself short…because I remember when the last time I saw them was.

Mooving on, and where did they go? Ah to the adventurer’s guild!

Ah my inheritance? or do I not count as dead because I’m pretty sure no Npc saw me die…?

Well no time like the present.

Strolling into the adventurer’s guild, or whatever it was supposed to be called. My lord it’s packed! I can see at least 30 people in here, and I recognize about 6…7

First off is the group of 8 non-descript humans, all wearing some kind of leather and to be honest looking a bit more like street thugs than adventurers. And that is a pretty big party too.

Taking up the centre tables, all four of them mashed into a single bigger one, is a group of bird-beastmen with a few non-birds with them. Crow, magpie, Canary, Bald-eagle, a fat blue-bird a blue-penguin and now the robin and bulldog (who I assume is called Bark, very creative. I wonder if he’s got a friend called Bite. Or is he all bark and no bite), join them.

That’s a lot of tables for just them, hell most of the seats around are empty but nobodys looking at them funny so ok?

I’ll look at the rest of the room later as I do need to figure out whether I’m dead in the eyes of the world and get some monetary compensation for it.

Walking into the small queue waiting for the foxy lady with a flowing green dress…erm, roxy(?) oh I’ve forgotten so many names its worse than usual.

Trying out my memory as I wait behind a red-turtle beastman, who’s sweating like a truck mind you, ust suck to have to carry around a giant shell all the time, I don’t get anywhere with the fox-beast ladies name. Actually now that I think about it, I don’t even remember the name of the guild I joined.

Wow, I wasted those 501 days. I learn nothing, absolutely nothing in that time. Except that when you have nothing better to do than sit around, you can make up a lot of fun time wasting games.

Like waiting, that was such a fun game, literally staring out into the darkness waiting for something to change. Scream into the darkness was a wild one too, the darkness was a very strong competition with its inexhaustible silence. And chess. I can’t believe I spent 501 and one da-

“Excuse me…Joat was it?”

“Hey, Roxanne”

“Wendy” Oh I wasn’t even close

“Sorry it’s been a…how long has it been since I joined?”

She raises a single furred eyebrow at me, pointed nose twitching in what I’m going to assume is annoyance, its going to twitch a lot around me I can tell.

She bends down under the counter and moments late comes back up with a large green binder, to which she promptly plops onto the counter, opening it and rustling through the small number of sheets.

“Fourth of Huya, third, sec-there we go. It’s been 13 days since you’ve joined.”

…

..

.

“Are you ok?”

I just stare at her, 13 days? What? How, what, whyyy.

Nodding a thanks I turn right back round and open up the menu

To Droneurt,

I have a teensy, tiny, miniature complaint about a certain…system you seem to have in place. Nothing awful really just a miniscule bit annoying . You know, inconvenient for me since I WAS STUCK IN AN UNENDING DARK ROOM FOR 501 DAYS WITH NOTHING BUT CHESS!! I EVEN NAMED EVERY PIECE AND PLAYED SIMS WITH THEM. DO YOU KNOW HOW UTTERLY DULL IT IS PLAYING SIMS WITH KINGPIN AND QUIN HIS GAY LOVER USING CHESS PIECES? WHY IS THAT A THING?! GET RID OF IT NOW JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS.

Also, how was I there for 502 days, I know because I counted, quite meticulously since it was one of my many anti-going insane methods, and it was only, like one day…what utter bullshevick is this?!

KIND REGARDS

A very annoyed hobgoblin

Screaming into my screen (mentally not literally or I would be getting quite a few odd stares), I send the message off only to get a ping literally less than a second later

Sorry about that, you kind of got into a temporal zone where the time dilation was…interesting to say the least, it was supposed to be the other way, but someone changed the variables. Whoops.

Are you serious…you know 502 days in blackness wasn’t easy I could’ve gone insane

And that’s why we coded in a chess set for you

Not let me out?

We’ve got a whole team working on that bug. And don’t worry your real body has been monitored and fed.

Oh my aiag I forgot that this is a game, I could’ve just logged out.

…

..

.

Well its official ladies and gentlemen, I’m a dumbass.

And now this dumbass is going to find a job.

“Say Wendy” I turn around, huge grin etched on my face “Got any work for a supple and strong hobgoblin like myself”

She doesn’t even blink at me as she’s chatting to another customer, but her hand does point towards the job board. Aha!

I mean I should be realllllllllly amd at the developers for that nonsense, almost as bad as the jail (if I remember I couldn’t log out when in jail, annoying), but it was my fault in the end sooo can’t really get too mad at them. Too mad, but a little mad yes. A whole two weeks of gaming gone. What are my students going to do without me! My lectures?! I have lectures and there’s a freaking princess that needs quality teaching and all she’s getting is…err Sean I think his name was.

Checking the time as I skip to the board (I mean I’m free so why shouldn’t I be skipping), I’ve got until 10pm to get something back in order before I try to tackle real life. This’ll be fun.

Hmm, burn out a nest of goblins, never again. Whittle down the rock giant numbers, nooo thank you. Escort a farmer and his son, sounds relaxing. Though I’d kind of rather go for something with a little more danger.

“Well well well, if it isn’t he who disappears without a trace” a small kobold with a wispy beard comes up to me, claws stroking his smiling face.

“I’m pretty sure the name’s Joat…Keruskegh” Why do I remember his name, out of everyone

“Indeed it is, you’re looking mighty fine now. Heard you were indisposed” There was quite an emphasis on the last word there, what’s he trying to get at? I was quite literally indisposed. Gosh to think it’s only been a week for everyone else.

“I was stuck for a bit…but I’m here now”

“Gotcha. Oh don’t bugger off again because we’ve got a meeting tomorrow”

“Tomorrow? Ok that’s good” Means I can’t do the farmer’s escort well “Oh wait.” I turn around and catch the kobold on the shoulder as he’s walking away “Where’s Baila” I could just ask of friends why’d I ask him

“She and your posse went out looking for you, they said they’ll be back tomorrow” And he shrugs as if not expecting them to be.

Well that’s great news! Because they literally will follow me to the ends of the earth for some bizarre reason…and bad news because I’m here and they are, somewhere else. Aiag, why’ve you got to make my life so hard.

“Meeting tomorrow, Baila and Co are gone, anything else about this week that I’ve missed out on?”

“Just some normal adventuring. Although” he does take a quick glance towards the corner of the room by the hearth, where there’s a mess of grumpy looking dwarves. “Turns out Avani’s group wasn’t the only one coming here”

Avani? Oh yes, oh…I wonder what they’re up to.

But now what do I do, I’m stuck in a village which has a lot of random skills to learn mind you…but right now I just want to go do something super active.

“Yo, green glob” Not a moment of peace here

“Hello, Dirra?” I hope its her at least, blue deer beast-lady, with some very cute freckles. 12/10 would spend time with her.

501/10 would spend time with a rock if it spoke back at this point. Though not the rock giants, they’re nasty.

Dirra just stares at me the whole time, hooved foot clomping on the ground impatiently.

“Sorry?” I mean I did kill her last time we were around eachother, accidentally of course. Gosh that was a looooong time ago.

“Mhm”

“Ok fine, I meeesed up and got you killed, cmon it was an accident”

“What”

“What”

…

..

.

“That is what I’m supposed to be sorry for…right?”

“You accidentally PK’d me on the Halloween event?” Oh whoops se didn’t know

“I thought you knew and were angry at me for that”

“No I had no idea but I am midlyl peeved at that now”

“What are you angry at me for then?”

“Are you serious?”

“My memory is very hazy right now so give me a littttttle reminder, pretty please” And quieten down a little, because there’s quite a bit of attention on us right now.

“You really don’t remember”

I just shake my head, what could I have done to her. I mean we’ve never erally talked until this moment I think?

“That night after all the chaos in the Dirty duck” Ahh memories, and what? Where is this leading? “You pushed me against a wall” I hear a sharp gasp from somewhere to my right “and proceeded to tell me many horrible interesting things youd do to me that night”

“Errr sorry about that? And wait did you say horribly interesting?”

“Yes I did. Now I’ve got a room upstairs” her eyes flashed wide, seductively. Damn that is a some cute freckles.

“uhuh….”

…

..

.

SPRINTING towards the doorway, bursting out of the guild and into the market, I quickly leave behind the angry screams of a very need doe.

“How dare you leave me like that, come back and take responsibility!?”

What in Aiag’s name did I tell her? And even better question why? Well I was drunk of my socks and had a terrible influence by the name of Curry around so the why was pretty much self-explanatory but the what is still a mystery.

Anywhooo, I run through the crowd, dodging through everyone, noticing a huge increase in dwarves, in this mostly human town if I remember, milling about.

After a good while, I’m at the west gate where there’s a old man in a permanent hunch, patting his horses as the pull the tarped cart he’s driving along. A young kid, probably as old as Zzand, oh I miss that kid, is dangling his legs off the back of the cart, talking to a pig-beastman, who’s dressed in tattered leathers and walking beside. Oh hey I recognize him (from the clothes mostly).

Strolling up to them (totally not panting), I wave towards the pig who gives me a salute back.

“Hey, you’re in need of escorts?” I ask the kid as he pauses his conversation to look at me with wide eyes. Not in that way this time, phew.

“PAPA WE GOT ANOTHA” He calls out to which the old man gives an approving shout back.

“So where are we taking you mister” I ask the boy as I start to walk just a little to his left.

“To my papa’s farm. We live only a little while away.” He points to the distant plains, to which I don’t see a thing. “I’m Ruber and you are?”

“Joat, a pleasure” I offer and hand which he takes, shaking it with a little too much gusto for my poor arm. But hey its getting me away from whatever the heck happened back there so I’m more than happy for a vigorous handshake.

What did I tell her?

…

The travelling is as easy as can be, for an escort quest. Literally, not a thing has happened in the past three hours, and I believe I can just about see the farm, maybe another hour away at most.

Quite a pleasant trip, with lovely breeze and no dangers to really encounter at but pointing out potholes that the driver and his horses don’t see in the grassy meadows.

“Ruber why are there so many potholes here?”

“Papa! Whats with the holes?”

“Undead m’boy, blighted things came out the ground and left all these damn potholes in my way” Papa calls back, sweriving the cart to avoid another ‘damn pothole’

“Thanks Papa. The potholes are made from the undead” He announces proudly as if he had the answer all along

“do you know what an undead is Ruber?” I ask him

…He looks at me searchingly for a few moments, before calling out ot his Papa once again “What’s an undead”

“Anything that was dead and comes back alive”

“Like the chickens?

“Yes, but these last a lot longer than those chickens, and are a lot worse than them.” Papa goes back to grumbling to his horses.

“You know when the chicken is running around without its head it’s still alive” Pepper intervenes most randomly. Ook? That is an interesting and disturbing fact

“Really?” Though Ruber loves the question

“Indeed, my dad used to tell me, if you pull a gun on a cat, don’t let a chicken live”

“What?” Both Ruber and I give him our strangest eyebrows

“He was a bit looney. But I think whatever it was made sense to him”

“What if his dad told him the same thing”

“…You know, I’ve never asked”

“Mister Pepper, tell me another one. Pleeeease”

“If you’re going to eat a cow, wash your mother first. Wait no that’s not a good one”

“Pepper!” I give him a look and glance to the child. Really that’s not something you should be teaching a kid.

“Sorry was from the top of my head”

“Well at least he spoke some form of sense sometimes”

“Very very sometimes, though he was real handy with sheep”

“Welsh?”

“How is that? No Macedonian. The real one”

“There’s two Macedonia’s?”

“No there’s Macedonia and then a bunch of copycats.” This sounds like a great story “You have to understand first, that Macedonis is a part fo Greece”

“Yes. Got that”

“And that Alexander the great was born in Macedonia, and if I remember history class, his father was born in Thessanoliki which is the capitol for Macedonia. I think. I lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere and skipped school a lot.”

“Ok I’m still with you, though Ruber’s lost”

“I got it!” he looks at me huffily “Alexander was born in Garyaming and his papa was born in Jhiaghedlsttt which is a big city in Garyaming. whats school though?”

“Schools where you learn things, like numbers and how to write” I answer helpfully. Oh to use my voice again.

“Sounds like it’s a noble thing, howd ya get into school?”

“From where I am, school is free for everyone”

“Everyone? Even a commona like me?”

“yes”

“Wow, must be pretty fancy being able to reaaad”

“Reading is boring” Pepper disagrees with the kid and holds a chubby finger up to instill silence. “So as I was saying, Maecdonia I a real Greek ‘state’ which is world famous for its general, Alexander the great. Now the Former Yugoslavia Republic of Macedonia, or as they like to call themselves these days, North Macedonia, is claiming that Alexander is theirs. And that’s on top of literally stealing the name of our country as their own”

“How does that even work?”

“Ask my government, I mean they are literally selling off islands so its not that much a leap to believe they’re selling off names or even part of the mainland. But here’s where it gets weirder”

“Wierder than a country renaming itself as part of Greece but not actually becoming part of it? Right.” How they got away with it is beyond me.

“See Alexander died in Egypt, or germania not sure which, but he died away from Greece, and according to history his body was never found. But just recently they discovered a tomb, quite a big and fancy one and who else could it be”

“Well if you know its there, hasn’t someone explored it yet?”

“They have of course, but they’re not telling the pubic, and a lot of us think that its because the government is being paid not to reveal it since if it is Alexanders tomb, it would show ‘North Macedonia” He almost spits the word out, well a little saliva spits through “That they’re nothing but a thieving bunch of degenerates and that Alexander is ours.

“That sounds complicated” Ruber is looking wide eyes at Pepper, probably not understanding most of what was said thanks to the system, thank Aiag, but still very invested in the story nonetheless.

“it isn’t but someone’s just being very silly” that’s an understatement.

A call from the front, stops our chatter and I see that the farm that looked far away so very long ago is now at our doorstep, or well we’re at their doorstep.

Papa gets off the cart and starts pointing a multiple things to get carried inside, telling us all about his wife, Mary, who will make the best roast cow you’ve ever had, according to him at least.

The unloading takes merely a few minutes and now I’m sat at a table with food in front of me, finally!!

But as savagely hungry I am, I wait for everyone to say their prayers before gorging myself.

Oh mashed potatoes and sausage, what a feast.

While I’m busy stuffing myself, I have a listen of the multiple shouts across the table; his four sons flinging friendly insults at eachother while their mother, a portly lady with a mean whip in her wrist, scolds them with a thin but long cane. It’s almost like a game of whackamole.

Papa and Pepper are busy discussing something in the corner so, I sidle a little towards them

“Its been getting a little more restless lately hasn’t it Bert?”

“It’s their time of the year again. Its nothing new”

“Sir, what is nothing new?” I peek into the conversation, since Pepper does sound worried

“The undead rising,” Bert casually replies back “Every once in a while they dig themselves out the ground and go looking for some fresh meat”

“I thought you burn your dead, and now I know why”

“Not in the Deadows”

“The what now?”

Bert just points outside the window “Ever wonder why there’s so many potholes? They’re all graves that have been dug out”

I did notice a LOT of potholes, wow that’s a lot of zombies. “But didn’t you know about this so why did they all get buried”

“Legend ‘as it that there was a great battle here and the losers, the non-humans, were all buried. Alive”

Freaky

“As punishment?”

“I’m only a farmer but nobody is stupid enough to bury people” Well someone obviously was. Ouch that’s a horrible death and undeath.

*Knock*…*knock*

“Ah I believe that’s for us” Pepper stands up and gives me a nudge of his head. Ok?

Walking to the door with him, he curls his fatty fingers into a fist and signals me to open it up.

Wait you can’t be serious.

Wrenching open the door, a body flies through, arms windmilling about and getting caught on the door frame causing it to swerve sideways and collapse into a meaty fist

…

..

.

Wow he just obliterated that zombie, and the splatter mechanics are a little too much.

“Thank you for the meal as always Mary, seems like works starting early” He gives a salute to the smiling mother and heads out, ducking slightly underneath the frame.

Thanking them for the meal I head out too, simply because hey sounds like there’s going to be a slaughter and I want in!

And boy was I right, as the second I step outside, a zombie lunges at me without a sound. Ducking under its arms, I push a leg with both hands away, causing it to collapse out of balance and while it flails on the ground I jump onto its head

-76

I give it another kick since its still squirming about.

While I was doing that though, a whole dozen of them got obliterated, and I mean literally burst into smithereens by Pepper.

I really need to get better or I’m stuck as the sucky support forever.

“I sense quite a few coming so catch your breath back”

“Err what are we doing here?”

“Defeind the farm from a horde of undead”

“And this happens, every night?”

“Pretty much, though they’re only level 8 so it’s a walk in the park”

NAME: Zombie [lvl8]

Hp: 83/83 attk: 14-28 Defense: 3 blun Resistance

Will attack the neareast living thing

A zombie, goes for brains without using its own.

83 hp is no joke, seriously. Although compared to what I’ve had to deal with recently…well semi-recently, this is easy peasy.

Picking a zombie, I rush towards it, ducking under its clumsy swipe and knocking the legs out from underneath her. Curb stomp it and onto the next out of what seems like maybe a few dozen.

Its not even a challenge; they mostly just shuffle so as long as I pick out outliers I don’t get jumped by others. I simply duck underneath, take out their legs and stomp on them.

6 to me so far!

“Fourty seve-nine” Oh cmon!

-22 (98/110)ow

Diving to the side, into a roll and twisting up to face my attackers, damn there’s 2 now. And they’re silent which is really creepy. Not like the movies at all.

Dodging to the side as they lunge, punching one on the back of the head as it whips around,

-7 (91/110)

claws just grazing my side. And I retaliate with a kick that sends it to the ground. And I get tackled by the other.

Eugh smells of rotting mud.

Wrenching us to the righ, I roll on top of it, pinning its arms down with mine and head butting it, which takes out a good 8 of my own hitpoints and giving me a less than fun experience.

-38 Especially as the other just bit me!

Lunging back with both elbows, right one catching it in the face, I fling my hands back to grab onto its head and pull it forward.

-14

Slamming my body onto the zombie underneath me while the one on top gets to make out with the dirt and before its claws can go wild on my back I roll onto it, becoming the little spoon with a most horrid stench. And wicked fingernails.

Grabbing its hands as I keep knocking its head with the back of mine, which isn’t enjoyable at all, I plunge them behind me, hearing a squelch, and I repeat the process, pulling the hands out and thrusting them in again until I’m satisfied I won’t get bit.

Phoo, zombies are dangerous.

“You’re quite a messy fighter aren’t you”

“I didn’t take strength”

“wow, you’re really a squishy aren’t you”

“I am, now can you help me up, I’m a bit tired from all the rolling around”

Pepper offers a bloody hand, which I take; he looks no worse for wear than when we first started. Well ok it has only been a few minutes but still that was quite a fight for me, and I barely killed 8 of them.

“looks like tonights going to be an easy night”

“Really? I’m almost dead”

“And you got bit” He shakes his head, snorting involuntarily “Here let me help”

Placing a meaty palm on my neck, I hear him mumbling a string of words, of which I recognize a few? But its like that Serpent all over again.

+45 woah, what

“Did you ju-”

“Yep perks of being a paladin”

“What”

“I know right, its so cool!”

“Wait, how’d you become a paladin”

He points towards the silently shambling zombies that are making their way here

“Turns out after slaughtering a good 1000 of them Lux the goddess of light got in contact with me. And after a very stressful interview, I became her paladin”

“Did she force it on you?”

“Of course not, well maybe a little. But I get this lay on hands ability among a few undead slaughtering ones. It’s pretty awesome”

Damn, I’m jealous

“So could I become a paladin if I kill enough undead?”

“Paladins are more protecting others against the undead, so maybe”

Ok, guess I’ve got 991 undead to go.

“You’ve got a scary look on your face, what are you thinking about”

“Say, how about we bring the fight to them”