As the chest plate fell, one of the Emoters spoke. "How dare you gaze at the Emperor with your eyes!"

Caleb ignored him, his eyes focused on the sight before him. Sitting between the discarded armor was a bucket. A pail, a cask, a canister. Caleb couldn't believe what he was seeing. Words that had long faded away were printed on the front, leaving only "Varn" legible. Around it Caleb made out what looked to be a faded wooden deck painted by a brush.

He kept staring. The top of the bucket was open and a dark liquid sloshed around. A paintbrush rested in the goop, coated dark brown. "Seriously, what the shit?" Caleb said. He kept staring as if the bucket would transform into something else, anything else. Finally, he couldn't deny it any longer.

"Your emperor is a tub of varnish," He said incredulously.

The liquid in the bucket bubbled and a deep voice resounded, matching that of the emperor earlier. "I am divine."

"You're a damned tub a varnish," Caleb asserted.

He turned over to the aliens. "This is what you worship? It’s a liquid meant to protect decks from the weather. And you're worshiping it as your emperor. This is so fucked up."

The Emoters bristled in anger. 'How dare you--" They started.

Caleb cut them off, or more like he didn't stop his rant. "Of all the asinine things. I was excited about this you know? I mean yeah god-emperors are a bit cliché. People use them all the time. But it doesn't make them any less cool! But this!" He pointed at the tub. "This is just wrong. This is like Pastafarianism actually became serious. Is that why all your protection is wood colored? Is this why some of your ships and tanks were shaped like brushes and buckets? And why on God's green earth would a bucket need scantily clad women attending to it!!!"

Caleb kicked out at one of the gauntlets. It flew across the room and landed in the rubble that was the palace. The metal bounced across the broken floor and down the slope carved out by the atomizing beam. None of the aliens spoke. Caleb turned, Bat flailing in the air.

"God this is so stupid!" He kicked another gauntlet angrily. It sailed off to meet its partner across the room. Still upset, Caleb grabbed at one of the boots and tossed it into the air for Bat to hit. He missed the swing and watched as the boot bounced onto the floor. "I'm so mad I can't even hit a simple toss!"

No one spoke, the only sound in the room Caleb's mad grunts and Sorossa's whimpering. The monster was tearing down all he'd known. The emperor was reduced to almost nothing after trying to destroy this monster and now he mocked their leader by calling him an object. The Emoters were trying to claw towards the beast but were held back by the guards. The two armored warriors knew what would happen if their other leaders fell to this terror.

The Emperor's attendants had long since run off. Sorossa didn't blame them for it. Who could hope to go against this evil thing if even their lord and leader failed. The Exaltor watched with resignation as Caleb tore away the Emperor's divine armaments and left only the frail form. Breathing heavily, the man raised his weapon to swing.

Sorossa watched the bat rise in horror. Time slowed around him and his vision tunneled. As the weapon swung down Sorossa's vision zoomed in, as if to capture the exact moment when the Emperor fell. The Exaltor's dread grew with every long second as his vision focused.

Only, the image was changing. The bat was leaving the alien's vision on his left. While at the same time, the divine image of the Emperor went to his right. At that moment, he realized. He'd moved. Sorossa had run in a mad scramble when he saw the weapon come up. The guards, so preoccupied with the Emoters, hadn't been able to stop him.

Sorossa was between the monster and his leader now. He was the only one able to prevent the tragedy about to happen. With a warcry, though filled with terror, the Exaltor brought his hands up to protect that which he worshipped. The bat came down onto his hands and he felt bones breaking and Sorossa closed his eyes, unable to watch what would happen.

He had expected pain. Bone crushing pain and the terror that came with it. Sorossa had fully expected his hands to become jellied pulp with the rest of him to follow. He had seen what that weapon did to the guards and he was sure Caleb was holding back. But the pain didn't come. He felt not the breaking of bones or even a slight bruising.

Instead, a warmth filled him. It started from his arms and raced through his body. He felt his arms grow hot, then his torso, and then his legs. Finally, the warmth covered his face and he realized it for what it was. The Emperor had blessed him. Him! A lowly Exaltor!

"Rise," His Emperor said. And Sorossa did.

Caleb looked at the alien who'd charged between him and the bucket. Okay, he'd admit he got a little upset. But he was expecting something epic! Not a lousy bucket filled with varnish. Why would someone worship that anyways? It was a damned tool for weatherproofing! God he was so angry.

The familiar tan glow brought Caleb out of his thoughts as he saw the alien named Sorossa block his strike with his arms. The glow surrounded his whole body, more solid than any protection he'd ever seen. And it seemed to grow more solid by the second. In fact, it was!

The tan light wrapped around the alien and darkened to the color of oak. From there, the light filled out into a suit of armor. An oaken breastplate covered Sorossa's chest and walnut gauntlets closed around his arms. The legs were enclosed in cedar boots and pants and the alien's head was capped with an ebony helm. The outline of a shield, colored forest green, emanated from Sorossa's hand. In his other, a mahogany sword of light appeared.

"I chose you as champion," The deep voice of the Emperor said. "Rise and fight!"

Caleb opened his mouth to retort but was cut off by the sword entering his mouth. It did no damage but prevented him from forming cohesive words. He brought Bat up to swat the sword away only to have it blocked by the shield. He kicked out with a leg and pushed the alien champion away.

"Man don't go sticking things into people's mouths like that! Who knows where that sword has been!" Caleb said.

Sorossa said nothing and pressed forwards. Caleb backed up as the green shield pushed him off the stairs. He grabbed Bat close as he rolled down the steps. He landed in a pile of dust, covering his body in grime. "Oh ew." He spat.

The champion stepped forwards and held his sword to Caleb's neck. "You will not harm the Emperor," Sorossa said.

Caleb rolled his eyes. "It's. A. Tub. Of. Varnish." He said with slow derision.

"You swore an oath to follow him like the rest all the same," Sorossa said.

"Yeah but I didn't mean it!" Caleb said as he sat in the dirt.

"Then you should not have taken the oath."

"Well you did kidnap me."

"You didn't have to take the oath."

"Oh yeah! Like you left me a good option!"

The argument continued like this for some time. Sorossa calmly arguing and Caleb hotly contesting the point. During this time, the Emoters crept over to the Emperor's side while the two guards held their weapons at the ready just in case Caleb made it past the new champion.

It seemed neither side would give up the argument. Sorossa had found confidence from his Emperor's acknowledgment and Caleb was a stubborn mule who wouldn't back down. Eventually, the fight turned into a glaring match between both sides. Metaphorical sparks flew between the two as stares and glares clashed against each other.

Finally, Caleb threw his hands in the air in exasperation. "Fine! Worship your stupid weatherproofing equipment! I'll go find something more epic than this farce." He turned to leave.

The sounds of rocks falling caught everyone's attention. The ceiling above was cracking and flakes of stone were falling down. Sorossa rushed over to the emperor and lifted his shield. The green light of the shield covered the entire group of aliens and as the rocks fell they rebounded off the stiff barrier.

Caleb was forced to dodge the falling debris. Not because it would hurt him, but because getting stuck under a pile of rubble without the strength to lift it off was the worst feeling. He would know, it happened to him twice before. A few of the falling boulders that hit the green shield bounced towards Caleb and made him dive out of the way. "Watch where you're aiming that!" He yelled.

The cracks in the ceiling grew to fissures, and then caves of their own as the boulders fell. And with it fell something else.

Caleb didn't get a good glimpse of them as they came down, but one ended up landing right in front of him. It was green, like a neon swamp, and muscles rippled on its body. Four arms sprouted from the torso, each as large as a small tree. Two were propping the massive torso up as it landed while its tree trunk legs absorbed the fall.

But its head was the most interesting. The head sat right on top of the torso and was covered in bulging boxes of skin, like how corn kernels rest on the cob. Each section was a body part. The top was mostly eyes and a ring of noses sat below it, sectioning off the bundle of mouths. On the left and right grew ears, shaped like miniature elephant tusks. At the very top of the head, thick ropes of hair ran down the back.

The creature unfurled to its full height after the landing, towering a good torso over Caleb. He noticed a ragged loincloth sat at eye level.

"Jora!" One of the guards screamed.

The Jora roared in response, each mouth opening with a cacophonic wail. Some spittle flew out of the creature's mouth and hit Caleb's face.

When the scream ended, Caleb raised his hand and coolly cleaned his face. With that done, he brought Bat up to eye level, smiley face to actual face.

"Maybe I should learn to keep my mouth shut."

Bat nodded.

Green hands slammed into Caleb, drumming into him. He swung back with Bat, but the weapon was grabbed and tossed out of his hands.

"You give that back!" Caleb shouted. A green hand grabbed one arm, then the other, and then both feet. The Jora pulled at each of Caleb's limbs, trying to rip the man in quarters.

This had the unfortunate effect of exposing Caleb to the world again. He groaned. "Does no one respect common decency!"

Once the corn-headed alien realized it couldn't break Caleb, its mouths trilled with a popping noise and attracted the rest of its companions that had come with them. Each alien took a turn trying to tear Caleb apart. None succeeded.

The towering aliens then tried to play a game of tug-of-war with Caleb as the rope. Eight arms gripped Caleb's arms and legs and tugged. One of the aliens stumbled and a wall of chest landed on top of Caleb. The alien stood up to find Caleb stuck to the creature's torso.

"This is the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me," The man said with his face full of chest.

Another alien peeled Caleb off and held him in one hand while clapping with two others. The rest followed suit with popping laughs. The Jora holding Caleb took him over to the wall and dug muscled arms into the stone. With ease, the alien scaled the wall and brought Caleb away from the palace and back out to the surface of the planet.

"Damn it at least let me take Bat with me!" He yelled.

His cries fell on deaf ears as the Jora took him away. Down below, Bat lay in the dirt, ignored by the aliens around. With no one looking, the metal instrument rolled down the slope of debris and out of sight.