One word—

Wait.

Is clusterfuck a single word? Or is it two? I think I've seen it in both forms. One time I believe there was even a hyphen involved, not that I truly understand the rules of hyphen use, but I don't think it was necessary.

FUBAR!

Though technically that word is made up of five words, so does that make it a phrase? Both contain a common root word and maybe that could simplify this dilemma.

Fucked.

>Scan[5758/5758HP, 2012/2012MP, 90/90SP]

It was all I had time to read because, this situation is totally, completely, and unequivocally fucked. It's not just because our sworn nemesis, Dez Driftwood, Halfling Necromancer, has created a towering amalgamation of bones into a Skeletal Hydra.

It's not just because Angus Elder, Hobo Bard extraordinaire is belting out a wordless "Welcome to the Jungle" on the sickest looking Mithril guitar I've ever seen and causing everyone in the area to take a little Psychic damage over time.

It's not just because the Hatchling Hydras and Mages are a constant and seemingly unlimited source of magic bolts like an angry elemental hornets nest that we knocked out of a tree.

It's because all of these things are happening all at once and anything resembling a plan has been torn apart and trampled into the ground.

After a bolt of ice slams into my shoulder and the resulting frozen shrapnel peppers me with shallow cuts, I grit my teeth and make a choice.

I Assassinate my first Mage and tear a second in half without another thought. The Fire Hydra and the remaining third Mage target me, but they stand one in front of the other. I mentally close off the notifications for now before I use my Dragon Breathing Amulet with the water element combined with two handfuls of Shotgun Arcane Bolts. The Mage, each Hydra head, and their body take multiple hits all at once and the last time I did something like this the amount of notices was dizzying. The Mage is blown away, but the Hydra is only dazed. I Wet my Claws (adding the water element) and dive into the beast, dealing Elemental Weakness damage with each strike until it keels over.

I'm unable to repeat the process with the next group due to a music change. I stop in my tracks, my brain feeling like it's trying to escape through my eyes and ears. I can't speak, but I can see how close Angus is to me. I sign Silence, the dome and complete lack of sound within it bewilders him. His head jerks around, but he brings up his guitar just in time to block my attacks. I aim for the instrument and Roundhouse it across the battlefield. Angus drops his attention from me and goes scrambling for his guitar. I take full advantage and slash him with a Critical Stab.

Before I can follow it up with an Echo Strike, an explosion of dark purple energy sends me flying. I land next to the guitar and have enough presence of mind to shove it into storage.

Angus drops to his knees and becomes a babbling mess, spittle flying every which way as he tears the greasy hair off of his head by the handful.

[Dawn Noble heals you for 80HP!]

[Dawn Noble heals you for 80HP!]

A dark weapon flies past me, smashing into the Bard's chest and knocking him to the ground. Two Skeletons rush to his side and try to drag him away, but the Thunderstuck assault doesn't slow in the slightest. The weapon flashes white light as it smashes them into inert pieces. A small deep blue hand brings me to my feet by my mantle.

"Get the other Hydras," she commands as I drink my last Mana Potion. She hands me her Stamina Potion and I chug it too. She hurls her weapon with impunity at every Skeleton that appears and cautiously moves in closer to Angus. A giant skeletal claw rakes away the Bard. Dawn now has the attention of one of the Skeleton Hydra's heads. Before I take off, she casts Sanctuary beneath it and it shrieks in agony.

Soon, the enemy no longer outnumber us and everyone focuses on the giant creation of a twisted individual. The only other thing that gave me a hard time was the Poison Hydra, since I didn't have its elemental weakness and I'm still not sure what it is. I was, however, a perfect distraction so Richter and Elsbeth could snipe at it from above while two of the Mages dashed away.

I paid them no mind, being the low level enemies that they were and went back to taking on the Skeletal Hydra. Kona was knocked off her broom at some point by the Skeletal Hydra and was dragged away to recover by Lady Anne's soldiers. Serenity joined them in order to heal and look after her.

It takes us a while to chip away at the big boy, and it demands our full attention. We have to be careful not to lop off a head like Victoria inadvertantly did and it somehow formed two more from all of the pieces littering the battlefield. It even raised its current and total HP by twenty five percent. I'm intrigued and horrified by this particular ability and we take great pains to avoid it happening again.

The Hydra lets out a groan as it collapses and falls apart, sprinkling bones everywhere. I look around at all the NPC corpses, loot sacks, Faith Infused Bones, and the captured Dez and Angus inside of a circle of spear wielding soldiers. Out of curiosity I move in closer to them.

Dez is looking around at everyone with fear filled eyes, trembling on his knees. Angus, too, looks terrified to be caught in this situation. Both of their hands are up in surrender. I withdraw the guitar from storage and hold it in front of Angus' face.

"How do you know those songs? Did someone teach them to you?" As far as I could tell, no NPC, aside from Sonny, should have any knowledge of the outside world. In fact, anything pertaining to real life is actively ignored or confuses the listener to a high enough degree to want to change the subject completely.

"Put the ax away, bro," Richter places a hand on my shoulder, "You're wasting your time."

I scowl at him, his Arcane Lenses glowing blue, but he only hangs his head and shakes it slowly, "We got the wrong guys."

Lady Anne gives a command and all the spears fall at once, killing the men in question. However, not only is our Quest still active, their appearances change at the moment of death. In their places, two dead Mages of the Rose of Three Thorns lay and I understand what Richter meant. Furious bile begins bubbling in my guts and my fists clench tight enough to burst.

"Disguise Self…" I growl mainly to myself, "Damn." We watch the bodies bleed out as their loot sacks appear.

Lady Anne crosses her arms over her chest, chin tucked down, "I'm sorry, Vicky. This is our fault. We have no idea when they performed the switch, so we can't say for sure when they left the battle."

She orders the remaining soldiers to set up check points for them at the east, south, and west entrances and offer rewards for their where abouts. She lets us know they would normally double patrols, but after the recent battle they would have go on a recruitment spree first.

I want to tell her that it's okay and thanks for the help, but I remain silent. I try to use my Apex Predator Skills, but they don't really give me a talent for tracking, only an enhanced awareness. There are too many "possible hostile" red dots in my vision and yellow trails seem to lead me everywhere.

Lady Anne convinces us to let her and her people handle the clean up, including the loot. One look at Victoria and we know we can trust her. I hand over the three Seamount Crab loot sacks, but she only accepts one. Her words of gratitude as we leave are short, but heartfelt, and we head to the vardo. Once back and inside the vardo, and around a newly crafted round table, we all have to take a moment to get our bearings after realizing how much the battles were actually worth to us. I get my notifications compressed into as few notices as possible and the numbers blow my mind.

Starting with the Quest Completion reward, we received 4*Knight Chest, a bit of XP, and some money.

[You received 429XP, 25GP]

All seven of us throw the money into the group's coffers without hesitation. From the initial battle with the Mermadins, the seven of us killed a total of ninety three soldiers and three Seamount Crabs. Including Dawn's War Party Leader bonus of 30%, each of us in the party got the same message:

[You received 1804XP]

Staggering, I know. No wonder Lady Anne loves fighting them so much. I keep forgetting to Analyze all of Victoria's friends and I wonder why she was so low in level to begin with. From the battle with Dez and Angus, we didn't get as much XP, but his Minor Quest did a suprising thing.

[You received 423XP]

[Minor Quest Update: Revenge]

[Minor Quest: Revenge II

[Kill Dez Driftwood 0/1 and Angus Elder 0/1

[Reward: 450XP to each person in party, 1*Jester's Box, 1*Rook Chest, 1*Queen Chest]

After going through all of that, I gained two levels and another 14 Stat Points. The quick boost in levels also unlocks another ability for Tempest Fist.

[Master the Elements- learn one of the following: Manipulate Water, Static Lure, Leap & Dash]

Learning two Skills is enticing, but Leap and Dash each is only half of what Misty Step could do with physical limitations. Static Lure is a single target, damage dealing taunt. Useful since it has a 100% chance of taunting, but I'm not sure if I need another to compete with Distracting Footwork. Manipulate Water is a Utility Spell that cannot deal damage, but has a lot of cool tricks. So, it goes without saying, I pick the Water Spell. Right? Well, this time I hesitate and ask Dawn and Vic for their opinions.

They look me up and down in pleasent suprise, but they agree with me that I'm probably going to end up being the group's main Utility guy.

"Did you learn any Abilities during the battles?" Dawn asks, both of them familiarizing themselves with Manipulate Water, reading the description screen I leave up for them.

[Manipulate Water (8MP/action) The caster may affect up to a 5foot cube of water with up to 2 of the following:

[- Heat water up to 103°F.

[- Freeze water, so long as there are no living creatures within the borders of the water affected.

[- Divert the flow of flowing water up to a 90° angle.

[- Shape and animate water to your will.

[-Change the opacity of water between clear and murky.

[All effects last up an hour/dismissed.]

I check and to my suprise I have two new Abilities from the first half of the day's fights. I leave both descriptions up for them to go over as well.

[Adaptibility Activated! You learned the Spell +Bubble Blast!]

[Adaptibility Activated! You learned the Feat +Piscine Evolution!]

[+Bubble Blast (50MP) 50feet/ Create 3 bubbles, per cast. The caster may continually cast this spell as long as they have the MP to do so. Each bubble is 1foot in diameter and moves 3 feet per second. They will continue on a random path, affected by wind and air currets, until they run into an obstruction/reach 50feet. Once popped they explode, dealing Arcane_Total Water damage to everything within 2feet from the bubble's epicenter.]

[+Piscine Evolution (on/OFF) Able to magically convert water into air before it enters the lungs. Murky or poisoned water will deal a small amount of Poison damage as it is inhaled. You may perform one or more of the following changes: hands become webbed, legs morph into a tail, body is covered in scales. All armor is still considered equipped during transformation.]

Due to another redundancy, this time in Feats, Piscine Evolution simply replaced Fresh Water Breathing, so I only gain one new Spell and upgrade an old one.

I activate two of the three change options and watch blue glowing flaps of skin stretch out between my fingers and a cascade of metallic blue scales flow from my fingertips toward my shoulders. They envelope all of my gear and I look like I'm wearing a scaly scuba suit that goes up all the way up to my jaw. I press down on my arm and I can't feel my armor, though I know they're still there.

Victoria rubs her fingertips across the scales and I can feel the pressure of her touch as if I were naked underneath. The look in her eyes is enough to scare away a weaker man, but I'm interested in what her plan is and smile back at her.

The other players follow my lead and show their new Abilities and such to the ladies and I move out of the way of the growing chaos. Dawn has to take command of everyone and organize them so they can approach one at a time.

Meanwhile, I stand to the side of the table and try to Analyze the Mithril guitar, but it turns to gray ash in my hands. I start to panic as the ash starts to swirl around me and the others take notice. They gather around, unsure how to help, but as the ashes spin faster they vanish as suddenly as the whole event began.

"What the hell was that?" Dawn asks, checking me and the ground for any sign of the guitar.

Kona looks me up and down, "I'm pretty sure that thing was attuned to the gross bum and he managed to summon it back."

A look of disgust washes over Rachel's face when a memory surfaces, "Oh em gee, did you see him eat that raw potato? Blegh."

I look down at the fronts and backs of my hands, "Probably for the best. That thing might have been cursed and I already have my mask to deal with. Not that I want to remove it anytime soon." I think about the time Sonny helped me Analyze the Mantle so I could complete the set and--

"Oh shit. Sonny," I say, rushing to share the Quest with everyone.

[Did you call me, Ardy? Y/N?]

"Oh," I turn and Conner is pushing her around in a strange little contraption. Elsbeth signs that she helped make it during the Vanishing. Sonny's orb sits about chest high in a nest of pelts inside a wooden basket. A shoulder width, wooden handle extends from one side and three wooden legs drop from the bottem. Each leg ends in small wooden wheels. The whole thing reminds me of one of those small shopping carts or a stroller for pets.

I stifle a laugh and manage a few words, "I think I met your Mom."