《Iakesi: They Call Me Homeless, but I Cast Fireball!》Level Twelve: Dancing and Danger
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“So,” Felicia said, “Are we going to fight?”
“Stand back,” Wolfgang said, motioning to his men, “I shall deal with this personally.”
“Awfully bold,” Alice remarked, “Gladiator, you thinking of a plan?”
“I’m mostly trying to figure out what a spinal tap is,” Hank answered, “And how to kill this guy to maximize loot.”
“Hit him in the head?” Felicia guessed, “Hey, Zealot, do you know if surgeons can to brain transplants?”
“Not that I know of,” Alice said, “Lobotomies tend to be lethal.”
“I was thinking more of adding additional gray matter to an existing injury,” Felicia said, “I suppose that’s not really a transplant, but I don’t know what the proper term would be. Sort of like a regular organ transplant, but they’d only be replacing part of the brain.”
“Huh,” Alice said, “Well, I’m not a doctor, so I don’t know if that would actually work, and I don’t know how much we could even sell that for.” Alice eyed the short form of Wolfgang. “That does add some complications.”
“Disgusting,” Wolfgang remarked, “You people are absolutely disgusting. What would your parents think of you?”
“My parents wanted me to go into medicine,” Alice said.
“My parents were really chill about whatever I did,” Felicia said.
“My parents were staunch capitalists,” Hank said, “Do you think we could strangle him?”
“If we’re not going to use lethal weapons, why are we carrying them?” Alice asked.
“She has a point,” Felicia admitted.
“I happen to agree,” Wolfgang said.
The New Adventurers heard music, music that came from every direction. Music that got stuck in their heads and set their feet tapping. Wolfgang strode forward, moving with the rhythm. Alice swung her bardiche, but Wolfgang effortlessly ducked under it and sidestepped a thrust from Hank. Felicia hurled darts of arcane might, and Wolfgang grabbed Alice by the wrist and yanked her in front of him. Wolfgang had caught her at a bad moment, Alice’s stance was clumsy and awkward, her bardiche still carrying her forward, and it all made moving her effortless. Felicia’s spell hit Alice in the back, the purple darts scorching skin. Alice jerked at the hit, and Wolfgang swung her around again, hooking a foot under her ankle and rolling her around him. Alice caught a swing from Hank, the trident cutting a bloody line through Alice’s shoulder.
Alice scrambled back from Wolfgang as Hank moved in. No matter what Hank tried, from daring flourishes to tight combinations, Wolfgang always seemed to slide out of the way at the last moment. As Hank raised his trident, Wolfgang stepped forward, gliding past Hank’s reach. Hank’s buckler shot upward, only for Wolfgang to weave around Hank’s punch and swung his own fist into Hank’s solar plexus. Hank, a tall, brawny man by birth and his physique only enhanced by adventurer training, doubled over in shock as Wolfgang punched the air from his lungs. It felt unreal, Hank thought, as though his body had folded against his will. As though, in that instant, he had dropped his guard completely.
Wolfgang turned for Felicia, striding toward the wizard. Felicia conjured an army of illusions, leading a charge against Wolfgang. The supervillain was unfazed, allowing Felicia’s phantoms to pass through him, until he swung his fist out to catch Felicia. Through a horde of illusions that dogpiled Wolfgang, he struck the real body of Felicia. Felicia felt ribs crack as a strained smile covered her face. Electricity crackled along her fingers as Felicia swung for Wolfgang, but once more the supervillains wove through the New Adventurers. Wolfgang cocked one shoulder up, knocking away Felicia’s arm, before giving it a gentle shove at the elbow, pushing the electrical magic towards Felicia’s face. Felicia dispelled the electricity, letting the magic and backpedalling away from Wolfgang. The supervillain moved up with a strut, catching Felicia as she scrambled away.
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Hank watched the fight, wondering just what was happening. He knew exactly how tough he and Alice were, yet Wolfgang had beaten them with hits that shouldn’t have even fazed them. The music was still in his ears, and Hank watched as Wolfgang grabbed Felicia by the knee with a bone crushing grip. Wolfgang, Hank realized, was moving in tune with the music, striking order out of chaos as he outwrestled Alice.
“Get to the bikes!” Hank ordered, striding up towards Wolfgang, “Load them up! I’ll be there soon!”
Felicia flung spells at Wolfgang, launching a thick cloud of magical darts to force Wolfgang off Alice. Alice kept her bardiche between herself and the super villain. Wolfgang chased down the New Adventurers, only to be stopped when Hank flipped through the air to land in front of Wolfgang.
"Let's dance," Hank growled.
For the first time, Wolfgang looked worried. Hank did dance, and despite how awkward it made him feel, he had Wolfgang on the defensive immediately. Hank's trident moved to a rhythm that could only be felt, chasing Wolfgang as he danced through the air. As a crescendo crashed through Hank and Wolfgang's heads, Hank thrust his trident forward. Wolfgang pivoted, twirling away as Hank stepped forward, caught Wolfgang, and leaned him over one arm.
"Shoot him!" Wolfgang bellowed, right before Hank slammed Wolfgang into the pavement. Wolfgang's thugs let loose a short burst of gunfire as Hank pulled Wolfgang up, keeping the super villain between him and the gunmen.
"Shoot him!" Wolfgang ordered.
"But sir-" one of the gunmen said.
"Open fire now!" Wolfgang demanded.
Felicia couldn't remember when she had been this strained. First, she cast a spell to silence the engines of the motorcycles. Then, seeing Hank was in trouble, she cast another spell to conjure a funnel shaped barrier around Hank, then another spell of silence around Hank, and a thin illusion of Hank holding Wolfgang in front of the barrier. She could feel the spells begin to waver as her started breaking down.
The gunmen opened fire, spraying an illusion of Hank with fully automatic fire. The bullets hit the magical barrier in front of Hank, and were funneled into Wolfgang's eye while Hank kept the super villain pinned in place. Alice ran a motorcycle to Hank, and Felicia’s spells finally shattered as the New Adventurers drove off.
The gunmen stopped with a jolt when they saw their leader clutching an eye.
“S-sir?” a gunmen started.
“Enough,” Wolfgang said with a wave of his hand, “Those three have made a dire enemy this day.”
Felicia took gasping breaths and clutched at her aching head whenever she could, and the New Adventurers took a long, winding route away from King’s Head until they were sure they had lost any pursuers.
“You feeling alright?” Hank asked, riding up beside her.
“I’m fine, I just- I think I overworked myself back there,” Felicia said, forcing a strained smile onto her face.
“You know,” Alice said, “We really should get civilian clothes. At the very least, something other than our adventuring outfits.”
“Sorry, sorry,” Felicia said, “Let me just-”
“Best not to overwork yourself,” Hank said, “Truth is, we don’t know what- what’d you call this? Magic stress? Either way, we don’t know what kinda side effects it has. Could be dangerous.”
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“But Alice can’t wear normal clothes!” Felicia protested.
“Actually, that could be because I was dressed as an office lady,” Alice said. “If I was dressed more like a thug, I don’t think it would be a problem. Maybe a torn leather vest, workout top, jeans and combat boots? Before that, we should drop these off at the hospital.”
“You sure your friend will be willing to buy?” Hank asked, “I don’t want to hang onto these any longer than I have to.”
“No idea,” Alice admitted, “We haven’t talked in a long time. Last I heard he was a Director of Finance, but I don’t know if he’d be willing to take these.”
“I mean, organs are organs, aren’t they?” Felicia asked.
“Probably?” Alice guessed, “After that, we should do some clothes shopping.”
The New Adventurers rolled up to a service entrance of Saint Claire’s Hospital, and Felicia passed Alice her phone.
“Hey, It’s Alice Courlan. A new phone, yes,” Alice said, “Listen, I have something important for you, and I know this is sudden. Meet me at the service entrance, this is important.”
It took a few minutes, but Alice’s friend finally showed his face. He was an unassuming sort of man, dressed in a dull gray business suit and thick glasses.
“Now, what is this about?” the man asked.
“Ethan, nice to see you again,” Alice said, “We’d like to sell you some organs.”
Ethan turned for the door and Alice jumped forward to grab Ethan by the shoulder. Ethan shifted, trying to get Alice to let go, but her grip was iron.
“Just hear me out,” Alice pleaded, “You have a list of people waiting for organ donors, right? We can help you with that!”
“This hospital does not do organ smuggling!” Ethan said, “We-”
“It’s not smuggling!” Alice insisted, “We’re a legitimate business.”
“And where did you get your organs, hmm?” Ethan demanded, “Do you have any idea of the bureaucracy involved?”
“We do not,” Alice admitted, “But, provided we’re not audited I don’t think that’s going to matter. The point is, we have organs, you have people who need them. It’s for the best that you work with us. And like I said, we are legitimate medical suppliers. You don’t have anything to worry about. In fact, even if we get caught you can claim ignorance of how we operated.”
“Be that as it may,” Ethan said, turning to face Alice, “How can I be certain you provide a legitimate, quality product?”
“You would know a lot more about that than me,” Alice admitted, “But I’m certain there’s someone here who can check them for quality. For the time being, I think ten percent of regular market value would be a fair price.”
“Even if I gave you that,” Ethan said, looking at the cases strapped to the motorcycles, “I can’t be certain Saint Claire’s is going to be able to pay that out of pocket.”
“You could donate it to us,” Felicia said, all eyes turning to her, “That way it’d be a tax write off. What? I’ve worked with non-profits before.”
“Before we go any further,” Ethan said, “I think I should have time to inspect the goods. Please, bring those inside.”
Alice gave the New Adventurers a fist pump and mouthed a cheer as she turned to carry coolers full of legitimately gotten gains. Ethan led the New Adventurers to Biohazard Disposals, a thoroughly sterilized section of the hospital, and began opening the coolers.
“Is that-” Ethan said, “Is that a long intestine?”
“Could be,” Felicia admitted.
“Why?” Ethan asked.
“Well,” Hank said, “We figured we might as well just grab everything. We didn’t know what you’d want when we were-”
“The less I know,” Ethan said, “The happier I’ll be. We do not need long intestines or short intestines. Hearts, livers, and kidneys are always in short supply. Now, I’m going to get some of the staff here to get working on inspecting these while I try to budget for this. Please wait outside. If all goes well, I should have your donation in a matter of hours. In that time, please try to register your company.”
Hours later, Felicia like she had just become a millionaire. After setting up her non-profit company, Hearts of Hope, she was a millionaire.
“You know,” Hank said, looking slack jawed at his bank account, “I expected this to be more.”
“Ethan said the livers had already been badly damaged,” Alice explained, “Drawbacks of a criminal lifestyle, I suppose. Ten percent of market price is also a steep discount.”
“We’re going clothes shopping!” Felicia cheered, “We’re going clothes shopping! Ooh! There’s so much goth jewelry I can get.”
“I was thinking we buy a motorhome,” Hank said, “And find somewhere we can buy grenades or something and blast Wolfgang to pieces.”
“Why a motorhome?” Alice asked.
“We could use it as a mobile base,” Hank explained, “There’s probably a buncha stuff we don’t want to be practicing in public. We could use it to store products for Hearts of Hope. Felicia could probably use it to enchant stuff for us.”
“Ooh, I like that idea!” Felicia said, “Still, can we at least go clothes shopping first? I know we need to beat Wolfgang and all, but we do need more than one outfit. Alice also needs a new phone.”
“Fair enough,” Hank admitted.
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