The stench of concentrated piss rudely brought me out of the gentle darkness I was floating in. “Gah. Hurrrrk.” I heaved, trying to clear my nostrils. After a few moments, I managed to get a breath of fresh air only to see myself surrounded by worried faces. “What the hell was that stuff?”

“Smelling salts. Perfect for bringing people back to consciousness.” Terrance explained as he capped and put away the vial. “Now, care to explain just what in the world happened?”

“Yeah. I was-“ I started, pausing as I searched myself. “No, no NO! Nononononoo, it can’t be gone damnit!” I swore as I noticed all the blood tracers I had from my squadmates had disappeared.

“What is it? What’s going on?” Terrance demanded, shaking my shoulders a bit.

“Sorry, sorry, give me a second.” I said, rubbing my forehead. “Before we came here, everyone gave me a sample of their blood so that I could keep a trace on them. I don’t know if it’s the trust we all have or what, but the spell went beyond what it was supposed to do. I felt someone take an arrow in the eye just before one of the blood tracers died. That was about the time you smashed me in the face and knocked me out. While I was out, my body used the blood from the other traces to help me recover, so I don’t know who died.” I explained, shoulders dropping. “All I know is that one of ours isn’t coming home.”

“Oh, oh no.” Terrance whispered. We all stayed still for a moment, as everything sunk in. After an uncomfortable ten seconds, Terrance stood back up. “Right, come on. Everyone up and get cleaned up. No time to be sitting around.” I was a bit slow to get to my feet, but felt Terrance hauling me up. As I looked around, it seemed all of Terrance’s group had split up one to one with our group, and were having quiet conversations.

“This is gonna be rough.” He said as we moved towards the baths. “I don’t think we’ve ever lost anyone on their first patrol before.” We spent most of the rest of the quick trip in silence, and I was hoping our conversation would be over. Unfortunately, Terrance put a hand on my arm just before we entered.

“Damnit, where do I start?” He groaned. “I know how close you guys are, so this isn’t going to be easy. But you are going to have to harden yourselves at some point, because this is war and people are going to die. You and I? We are going to feel every single one of those deaths. We’ve the misfortune of being leaders. We are going to not only know of every single death, but there are going to be times where we have to order friends to die for us. Do you think you’ll be able to do that?”

I stood for a moment, letting his words flow through me. Could I? Would I be able to order Joffrey and Alfred to hold a crossing so that the rest of us can ford it, knowing they would be cut down before they could escape? Could I send Dorian and the others charging into the enemy? “I don’t know.” I admitted.

“Good.” He said, clapping a hand on my shoulder. “This was your first test. We don’t want leaders in the Legion who don’t value the lives of our brothers. Any leaders should agonize over which group is placed in the most danger. And don’t worry too much, you are a long way from giving orders in the Legion.”

“That said.” He said, his voice getting a bit more serious. “Keep your ability secret. At least for now. Otherwise you might be forced into keeping an eye on everyone in the camp as they are sent out, and I’m not sure what your limits are. Especially if you are going to have to feel every death. What would happen if you felt the death of the entire squad?”

“I hadn’t thought about that.” I said, the horror of it filling in. What would happen if I felt all those deaths at the same time?

“Let it go for now.” He said, pushing me into the bathhouse. “Get clean, and we’ll meet the group at the gates.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

It was two hours later when we heard the gate guards calling the return of the patrol. Terrance had allowed me to stand on the wall with him, but I couldn’t tell much as they approached. Everyone had their helmets on, though there was a body on a shield carried by four soldiers, covered in a cloak. Somberly, they entered, seeming surprised to see our group standing there.

“Fall in behind us.” Phillip said, walking between our group on one side and Terrance’s group on the other. We let them pass, then the back of the lines dropped into marching order and followed back to the training grounds. I noticed a messenger dispatched immediately to the Legatus. Once we reached the training grounds, the four soldiers gently laid down the body as Phillip stood over it.

“Death is all around us. We know, we train to face it every day. Yet when one of ours falls, it still strikes a grievous blow to those left behind. Even more so when one so young, so new to the battlefield is called home. I wish I had more time to get to know Clint, but I will forever be denied that chance. What I can do is honor his bravery, and his sacrifice. We encountered an enemy patrol, though at extreme distance. Between us was a river, one we might be able to cross, though it would leave us vulnerable. The enemy didn’t seem keen on crossing and challenging us either, and both sides started to withdraw into the mists. That’s when it came, an impossible shot. As one, their front line dropped to a knee to reveal an archer, who loosed an arrow that most assuredly would have taken me in the throat. With barely time to cry a warning, Clint slammed into my side, knocking me out of harm’s way. His foot came down on a loose stone, and his shield dropped, allowing the arrow to take him in the eye. I’ve no doubt that today bloomed a red and gold flower on your arms, and this world is a darker place for the loss of such a great person. Salute, Legionnaire Clint. Fallen in battle to save another, and never to be forgotten.”

“For Clint.” Both sides saluted and said, with tears flowing freely. Several people were immediately consoling Thomas, Clint’s brother, who had dropped to his knees when he heard the name. While they were doing that, others walked forward and paid their respects.

Several hours later, and I just couldn’t get comfortable enough to fall asleep. Giving up on it for the moment, I got up and headed out of my tent. Looking around, it was eery how silent everything was. The guards on the wall were all concentrating outwards, watching for attacks. Walking around, I noticed an odd shadow sitting in the middle of our training ground. Concerned, I headed over.

“Who’s there?” I asked as I neared, and the figure straightened and turned to face me. “Thomas?”

“Hey Brandon.”

“Mind if I join you? I’m having a bit of trouble getting to sleep.” I asked, ignoring the tracks of tears on his face.

“Sure.” He shrugged, hunching back over and spinning something in his hand.

“Sorry about Clint.” I started, but stopped when he started sniffling and shaking his head.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this.” He said after a moment. “We were gonna do our ten years and get out, no worries. We were strong from a lifetime of slinging cargo into wagons.”

Uncomfortable, I just let the silence descend. “You guys unable to sleep too?” We both turned to see Alfred approaching.

“Hey Alfred.” I said, motioning for him to sit.

“Here.” He said, slipping a small flask to Thomas. “It won’t taste good, but the burn might help.”

“Gah!” Thomas hacked as he took a swig before passing the flask back. “Where’d you get that rotgut?”

“Heh, last gift from back home from some friends.” Alfred chuckled, taking a swig himself before capping it and putting it away. “Sorry about your brother. He was a good man. Always made sure me and Paul got our gear squared away right, especially in those early days. Y’all remember when we could barely move after?”

“Ugh, and Volgan’s remedy.” I groaned. “If the training hurts, you need more training!” We all quoted at once, giving a sad chuckle. It got quiet again, but it wasn’t quite as oppressive this time. Though we both ignored the sniffles coming from Thomas.

“So what’s got you up?” I asked Alfred.

“Worried about Paul.” He shrugged. “He’s finally got his wish, joining the scouts and all. They’re working him hard, making him memorize what maps they have in the day and sending him out with a small group at night. Three to a group, no shields, lighter armor.”

“Isn’t that what he wanted?” Thomas asked.

“Yeah, but. I just worry. Sure, he got some special training from Alphonse, but the majority of our training is working together. You can’t form a proper shield wall with just three people, and he says most of his forays are eventually going to be solo.”

“Thomas. Alfred. Brandon.” I turned to see that Dorian was there with the rest of the group. “Mind if we join you?” We all looked at each other and shrugged, before the group opened up into a giant circle. I saw Dorian was about to speak before Lawrence put a hand on his shoulder.

“Thomas.” He said, giving him a small smile. “I can’t say I’ve ever felt something like losing a brother, but I have seen a few things about dealing with grief traveling with my family. Want to hear my favorite one?”

“Sure.” He replied in a monotone.

“Everyone gets in a group, and starts telling stories of the person who was lost. Start out serious, but gradually work towards the funny stories.”

“I suppose.” Thomas shrugged.

“He was always looking out for others.” Joffrey started suddenly. “I had put a bit of itching powder in your boots Thomas, thinking nobody had seen me. The next day, my feet were itching something fierce by the middle of morning workout. After, Clint pulled me aside and simply whispered not to prank people. Things had a way of turning around when you weren’t looking. Then he smiled, slipped me a pot of cream to neutralize the powder, and walked away.”

“So that’s why the pranks stopped.” Lawrence chuckled. “I wondered about that.”

“Gods, but that’s him.” Thomas said. “If he ever caught you bothering someone, he would do something on the sly. Very rarely did he ever resort to direct confrontation.”

“So what’s that you keep fiddling with?” Dorian asked gently.

“This?” Thomas asked, slowly holding it up so we could see. “The first coin we ever made. Donna and Danielle, twins from down the way. Needed some things cleared from an area so they could set up something or other. It’s been our good luck charm over the years.”

From there, we started on funnier stories. Everyone contributing, each trying to help remember Clint. The best though was Thomas’ recounting of how they accidentally broke open a dye packet, and Clint’s hair was dyed a deep red for a month before it washed out. All the hair, not just on his head. His arms and chest were blazing, and the habit of working the afternoon shirtless didn’t help. As the sun stared to eventually rise, our group slowly split up and went to do things on our own, letting the hunters have the training grounds. I was on my way back to the tent when I noticed Thomas heading toward the wagon area, and instinct urged me to follow him.

“Hey.” I said, stopping by him and looking down on the body of his brother. According to Philip, it was one of the few we recovered that would be able to be sent back home.

“Hey.” He said, flipping the coin a few more times. “I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Do what?”

“Soldier.” He said. “Clint was always the one supporting everything, and he had the plan. I just. I don’t know if I’m strong enough, knowing he isn’t there helping out in his own quiet way.”

I stood there, conflicted. I knew the punishment for desertion, even if this would be the mildest form. I was wondering what to say, when a flash of gold in my vision drew my sight to my left arm. “And who’s to say that he isn’t here, still helping us?” I asked, tapping his name on my arm. “I’ve seen some strange things in this world Thomas. Some things I remember clearly, like magic. Some things that seem like a dream, but solid. Black wings and a gentle smile. Having a conversation while surrounded by pure light. I’m sure your brother will be there, helping all of us just when we need it most. Maybe he can only shift a shield a bit, or provide just a little bit more reinforcement to brace against a blow. But I know he’ll be there, doing his best. And that he would want the best for you.”

He was silent for a long time, only he was looking at his own arm instead of the coin. As he slowly put the coin away, he gave me a small smile. “You know, if it had been anyone else, I might be full of doubts. But I’ve seen some of the strange things you can do, and I saw that battle when we first arrived. That’s beyond normal, and I think that you have a good intuition about things. I’ll just have to trust that my brother will be with us, and I’ll see this out for the both of us. Thanks.” He gave me a smile, before placing a final hand on his brother’s body for a moment before walking away.