Chapter 37

Dead Girl Walking

I was in a daze, frantic most of the time. I suppose that’s why I don’t remember much of what happened.

I do remember three things, though; a giant three-headed lifer that wants to eat me, a spike of stone in my abdomen, and a very empty stomach.

The last one seems to be a common problem because the big doggie seemed so intent on having me inside its belly. And so I was eaten. Not once, but twice. I remember being in the lifer’s maws a couple of times, so… how am I still alive? Well, I don’t remember, but obviously I escaped twice. Perhaps I did something with magic, or maybe I fought out with my bare hands. Most likely it was the spike I had hanging from my gut. Imagine that; something that should’ve killed me saving me instead.

I ran whenever I could, which was all the time I’m not on the wrong side of the lifer’s teeth. Even when there was a hole in my body, I ran. Even when my strained muscles screamed at me to stop, I ran. My body was moving, but it didn’t feel like I was the one moving it. I was a doll on strings, controlled by my instincts whose only purpose is to survive, and survive I did, as improbable as it was.

I managed to escape at some point. I think I jumped into a hole or something, one that the lifer couldn’t follow through. But escaping Kerberus was the easy part of survival. I finally got the spike out, but gods, the blood… there was so much of it...

I didn’t feel any better when my consciousness returned because hunger, my old friend, came back. It was so bad that part of me thought putting the spike back would help distract me from the hunger. Another part considered cutting off my own limbs to fill the hunger with. I could only thank the gods that there was nothing to cut with hands with.

Yes, I was delirious. My head was spinning, and breathing became a taxing effort. I think I fainted a couple of times, but hunger never failed at waking me up again and again. So I kept moving, searching for… something, anything.

That’s when I encountered a lake. Similar to the one from before, if not slightly bigger. The same shining water, the same unstoppable need to drink them surfaced. But I didn’t, because something stronger stopped me; a memory of someone’s words that I barely remembered.

( Indulge that water, lass, and thy body shalt melt to its bones. )

My head was banging inside, threatening to knock me unconscious any moment so even if I tried, I couldn’t remember who said that, but one thing I knew for sure was that I trusted those words. So I withheld from drinking the water, something that took my entire willpower to do.

As I skim around the lake looking for a way across, something caught my eyes.

It was something I’ve never seen before. It was long, around as thick as my arm with a myriad of legs beneath it and a pair of large fangs on its front. An insect of some kind. I thought I was seeing things at first, but it was already in my arms before I realized it. I could only imagine its horrors, twisting its body in a measly attempt to escape me.

And so I chomped.

And chomped, and chomped, until there was nothing left of it.

It didn’t go down my throat easily, especially with those sharp-looking limbs that seemed to move even after separated from the rest of the body. But once I was finished, it was… it was heaven. It was heaven to have a filled stomach. It was heaven to not be in constant hunger.

But it wasn’t enough.

I looked around some more to see if there were more of the kind, and while doing so, I heard a splash.

There was another creature there. A different creature, watching me from the safety of the water. It was partially submerged, but I could immediately tell from its shape that it was some kind of turtle. It started approaching me, and I it.

It was big — much larger than a normal turtle, with the span of its flippers longer than I am tall. It had limbs that seemed to be made for swimming as it was doing now. Its shell was formed of intricate yet delicate-looking scutes, dyed in a color somewhere between the green of moss and the blue of the sea, covering most of its body but too flat for the turtle to hide in.

Its mouth were opening and closing as if it was talking to me. No, it was talking to me — she was talking to me, but I was too entranced to hear what she was saying. The gentle swaying of her flippers was almost seductive as were her eyes, big and blue like the endless sea, seemingly drowning me as I gazed into it.

I was captivated by her, so when she finally climbed up into the ground before me, I immediately took my chance. Her flipper was already in my mouth before she could react.

「 Kyaaaah?! 」

It was such a melodic tune, despite how panicked it was.

But then she slipped away from me, and I felt so sad when she did. I reached out for her but it only caused her to swim further away.

Wait, don’t go…!

「 You are a bad person! 」

Disregarding the content, her voice was so pleasant to hear that I almost lost the meaning of her words.

Ah… you speak…?

「 Evil, bad child! To think that I wanted to you! 」

Help… me? I’m sorry… please, I need your help…

「 But you just tried to eat me! 」

I didn’t mean to… can we start over…?

「 You… will not eat me? If you promise me, I will help you, child. 」

I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me. Please, help me, I begged with teary eyes.

「 Ah, uh… I will…, 」 she said as she swam towards me again. It was cute how gullible she was.

「 Umm, it is okay, child. My name is Yammu. What is your─ Kyaaah?! 」

This time, her head was my target. I figured it’d be easier to eat her if I killed her first, but then she slapped the back of my head, and the shock made me let go.

「 You promised! 」 she screamed at me, swimming away with her glare kept on me, her eyes filled with accusation.

But you said you’d help me.

「 Go away! 」

I reached my hand out helplessly at my savior who was swimming away.

Please, come back…

「 No! 」

You said you’d… help me…

Then I blacked out again.

When I opened my eyes, I was still in the same place, only the turtle wasn’t there anymore. Hunger didn’t leave, though. By far, it was my most loyal companion, one I never asked for.

I realized that I could no longer move then. My body finally gave out, but it was something I saw coming. I was a dead girl walking, had been for some time. At least I can finally escape this hell, was what I thought.

Then I had a stomachache.

Did I eat something bad, I asked myself. Was the bug poisonous, because it was the only thing in my stomach. It started out as an uncomfortable throbbing, and it got worse exponentially by the second. I was squirming in pain, one hand clawing the ground and the other clawing my abdomen, wishing I could just rip it out and end the misery.

I didn’t know what was happening, only that I was dying, as I had always been.

「 You are in pain… 」 a melancholic voice said to me.

I looked up to see her eyes gazing into me with sympathy. Why did you come back, was a question I couldn’t ask.

「 Did you eat a bug? 」

I barely made a nod at her, and she nodded back with understanding. Then she scooped up water with her flippers and brought it near my mouth.

「 Drink, 」 she said.

But, water… poison…

「 It is, but your own acid is not strong enough to kill what grows inside you. 」

She looked towards something, and I followed her gaze. It was some pieces of the insect that I somehow missed. Except that the last time I remember, they were just pieces of it. Well, they were, but they regenerated somehow, each piece becoming a new, separate bug.

How many pieces was inside me, again? I chewed it up good, but could it actually regenerate from that?

The pain got worse while I was thinking about that. Perhaps affected by what I saw, it felt like something was eating me from the inside. Somethings, hundreds, even thousands, growing with each passing second.

「 Please, you have to drink! 」 her voice was full of worry.

I refused her still, but she brought her flippers to my mouth anyway. When she saw me turning my head away, she forced the poison down my lips.

It burned. My mouth, my throat, my insides were burning as it flowed into me.

She scooped up more water. I couldn’t move my limbs, and I could barely move my head. I shut my lips tight, but it still flowed in nevertheless.

Don’t… gkkh─

There was nothing I could do as she poured cup after cup of acid down my throat. If I could speak before, this would’ve burned me mute.

Why? Why is she doing this to me, I questioned myself. Was it because I tried to eat her, and now she’s having her revenge?

She wasn’t, of course. With hindsight, she was saving my life.

When I thought I was finally done for good, I woke up once again. I could move my limbs somewhat, and despite the burning sensation in my throat, I was feeling relatively refreshed.

「 How are you feeling? 」

I turned to the voice and there she was, laying defenselessly on the ground. I understood she had saved me at that point because the creatures inside me were back to what they were before; mere nutrients to fill my stomach.

「 I am sorry for making you go through that. I wish there was another way, 」 she said, her voice sounded like she truly regretted causing me pain.

…Thank you.

「 Umm, will you stop trying to eat me now? 」

……

In response to my silence, she stepped back into the water and eyed my cautiously.

Why did you save me? I asked.

「 Why would I not? 」

I tried to eat you. What do you gain from saving my life?

「 Oh, foolish child, 」 she said endearingly, 「 you being alive is a merit in itself. 」

I tilt my head at her, unable to understand her words.

「 Life is delicate and precious. How could I let such a wonderful thing disappear in front of me? Would you not do the same? 」

Precious? Wonderful? The only life I knew of is that of suffering.

「 You poor thing… you have been through so much… 」

You don’t know anything.

「 But I do. I can see it in your eyes, and eyes are the windows of the heart. Yours are so… hurt. 」

I couldn’t understand it.

Why? Why did her voice sound so sad? Why would she grieve for someone like me, who tried to eat her just moments ago?

Shut up, shut up or I’ll…

「 Unfair, 」 she said, her voice cracking under emotion. 「 So unfair. You are still so small, so… empty. There is nothing but pain. 」

Tears were already coming out before I knew it. It was like I had gone under some kind magic. What was she doing to me with mere words?

「 Come here, my child, 」 she said, opening her arms — her flippers, I mean, offering a hug.

I just fell into her then, my head resting on her while she pats me on the back. Her skin was cold and hard, but it was warm for me.

I don’t know how to explain it, and I didn’t know how she did it. I didn’t only feel safe in her embrace. For the first time in my short life, I felt loved, precious, and perhaps that was the reason for the buckets of tears I let flow.

「 Everything is alright… You will be alright, I promise. 」

Her voice was calming, somehow making me believe that everything truly was alright. I didn’t care that she could drown me in that position. My life was in her hands, and I was glad for it.

She waited for me to calm down a bit before asking me, 「 What is your name? 」

I don’t, -hik- have a name…

「 Mm… well, mine is Yammu, and I will take care of you from now on. Would you allow me that? 」

Yes…

I answered almost immediately.

At that time, I felt like I had found something I was searching for a long time. Someone I could confide in, someone whose bosom I could cry into. Someone to hug me and tell me that everything is alright.

Would she still do that for me if she knew I would betray her in the end — I still wonder to this day.

◊ ◊ ◊

Red eyes greet me when I wake up. Deep, red eyes, the kind that’s soft but still sharp to look at. The kind that reflects anything looking back into it. Those eyes speak to me,

「 Where are you going, brat? 」 again and again he asks me, accusing me.

「 Where are you going? 」

Back, I answer each time.

「 Back where? 」

Back to you.

I haven’t forgotten. I never will. Everything I do, everything I will do, for as long as I live, they point to one goal only.

I’m coming back. I promise.

「 You promise? 」 he laughed, 「 Like you did last time, before you betrayed us? 」

I couldn’t answer. He tilts his head at me.

「 Liar. 」

Then he disappears like a haze, like he was never there in the first place.

I try to chase after him, but then,

- Clank -

…..Ah.

This again?

They’re slightly smarter than the drifters, at least. Rather than cuffing my hands with “mana chains” or whatever, they just tied my wrists to the chair or something behind it. Like this, I can’t see how and what my hands are cuffed to, making it a risk to myself if I want to use magic to break away, as I could accidently burn my hands or something like that. Having visuals is very important in using magic. Without it, one could mistake the spatial calculations, and, well... guess what happens.

I suppose this is the least I should expect after I tried to murder those prickheads. Maybe I should consider myself lucky that I’m still alive? Ah, don’t get me wrong; although I may have acted out of impulse, I regret nothing that I did. Those granpas deserved what I intended for them.

“…Fay?”

Anlong sits at the source of the voice. He seems relieved to see me.

He approaches me and puts his hand on my swollen cheek, speaking with a worried voice, “Are you alright?”

No, I’m not alright.

If my hands weren’t bound, I’d have shoved his arm and pushed his guts to the wall, but right now, there’s nothing I can do but nod at him.

“I, umm… I’ve been watching you while you were asleep. No, I mean─ I volunteered to watch you until you’re stable.”

“Until I’m stable?” That’s a never, then.

“Are you hungry? I can get you something.”

I shake my head.

“Thirsty, perhaps?”

Another shake.

Actually, I could use some grub and water, but the thought of Anlong feeding me is… well, you know. I’m a [ Master of Vanity ], after all.

The next few minutes I spent agonizingly under Anlong’s watch. I don’t know how he did it, but he must’ve told someone about me waking up because someone knocks on the door not long after. Anlong opens the door, and I find myself looking away from the man walking in.

He stares at me in silence, all the while it’s all I can do to avoid his gaze.

“...You shouldn’t even be alive,” he said, and I say nothing to reply.

My heart beats uncontrollably as he approaches me, and then I hear something snap. The next think I know is that I’m free of my bounds. I look up at my liberator to see no resentment in his eyes. Then my eyes trail to his right arm, or the fact that it’s missing. How did I not notice that earlier?

“Come,” he said, turning his back to leave the room. I promptly follow.

--- --- ---

As we walked through the narrow wooden halls, I realize that we’re still in Berwen — still in the village hall, perhaps, judging by the size of the building. I could hear clamor from both outside and inside the building, even through the heavy rain. For some reason, Anlong is following us closely behind, but I ignored him for the most part.

Douzhen leads me to a room further away from the bustle. The further we go, the more familiar this place seems until we finally arrive.

He looks at me and motions at the door. Knowing who’s waiting beyond, I swallow my anxiety and knock on it. When no one answered, I look at my mentor and he nods, stepping back as if to give me some space.

The door creaks as I push it open. Darkness greets me, along with a pair of eyes that belong to the woman sitting on the bed. Just from a glance, I can see the streaks underneath her eyes. Her disheveled hair that previously add to her charm now merely pictures the mess that she is.

I close the door behind me and greet her,

Teacher.

“…Fay? What are you doing here?”

Nothing in particular. I’m just checking up on you.

She raises her eyebrows at that. “I’m fine,” she forced a smile.

I let some moments of silence pass between us before I take the initiative.

You know, I did things in the past. Things I’m not proud of.

“I said I’m fine, Fay.”

You’re not convincing anyone here, teacher.

A wrinkle forms between her eyebrows as she thinks back to her outburst earlier. “It won’t happen again. It’s just… what I did was…”

Necessary, right? You did it for the good of the many.

“…So you agree with what I did?”

I tilt my head at her. What does my opinion matter?

“It matters to me.”

It may have been the right thing. Or it may not. What right do you have to judge those people worth less than the people here?

Her expression distorts to disbelief, her mouth opening but with no words coming out, I continue,

Do you know how many people there were?

“I… I don’t know. They said there were three to four hundred villagers, but… goddess, it looked much more than that.”

Three to four hundred, as opposed to everyone else. How did you make that decision, teacher? Because there’s more people to be saved than there is to be killed?

“And what’s wrong with that─” her voice breaks out, forcing her to take a deep breath before continuing, “what else do we have but numbers? What else can we trust? The flimsy hearts of humans? Do you think the right thing to do was to save them and risk everyone else?”

Like I said, what does my opinions matters? Or rather, what does anyone’s?

I approach her as her eyes start to tear up.

Right and wrong, do you think you’ll ever know the answer? No matter what anyone says, no matter what kind of calculation you make, do you think you can come to an answer you’re satisfied with?

“I don’t know, Fay!” she said, nearly screaming, “I don’t know anything!”

No, you don’t. But you made that decision anyway, a decision that you’ll live with, whether you regret it or not. It’s not right, it’s not wrong. It’s just something you did to survive.

“…So you mean to say, I killed all those people to save myself?”

You can put the blame on others all you want. Blame the elders, blame the calculations. It’s a good way to not take responsibility for your actions, by saying it was “on orders” or it’s the “logical” thing to do. In the end, ‘you’ made that decision, not others, and definitely not the numbers. You did.

“…’Take responsibility’, is that what you’re saying?”

Yeah.

“Is that what you do to ease the pain?”

It’s what I try to do, at least. Someone else taught me that.

“And did it work for him?”

I shrug at her.

It worked for some time. He remained the man he was — strong, calculating, and a hero to his people, up until he blew himself up.

She smiles, yet her eyes are cold. “And that will be my fate, then? Slowly eaten by my own sense of rightness, until I decide I can’t take it anymore?”

Maybe...

I sit beside her on the bed as another silence comes, hearing nothing but our own breathing and the faint sound of rain.

…Or you can do what I do.

She looks at me, her eyes wet and questioning as I answer.

◊ ◊ ◊

I say nothing under Douzhen’s demanding gaze. Instead, I wait for him to verbally ask me.

“...How is she?” he verbally asked me.

I shrug at him.

Same as everyone else.

“Which is?”

Probably dead within the next few days.

He sighs, I don’t know of relief or frustration. “I take it she’ll be okay, then.”

She will never be okay.

I glare at him. Perhaps I’m biased, but his insufferable ignorance is so irritating. He should’ve known better.

“…So you haven’t forgiven us.”

I chuckle at him.

Forgive you? For what, make her bear the devil’s burden?

“She’s a hero.”

She’s a mass murderer.

Perhaps noticing the atmosphere, Anlong scuttles back to give us room. I look back at my mentor, asking,

Where were you?

“What?” he asked back, clearly not expecting the question.

Where were you? Where were you when she needed you — when the woman you supposedly ‘love’ needed you?

His nose flares as he takes in a sharp breath. “How…”

Where were you?

I can see him reaching for his sword, his fingers firmly on the handle.

- Go on, slash me if you will - I challenged him with my eyes.

“Like I said, you shouldn’t even be alive.”

Where. Were. You?

“What does it matter? It happened, and we all share the same burden. We — the elders — were the one to give the order.”

“The same burden?” She pulled the trigger. All they did was convince her to do it, and you think their burdens can compare?

“…What would you have us do, then?” he asked, letting go of his grip on his sword. His facial features visibly relaxed after he said that, and no longer I can feel the deadly intent that was clearly there a second ago.

What he asked is not a rhetorical question, nor is it accusing. Somehow I know that my mentor is sincerely asking me because neither he nor the elders know what they’re doing, like a child finally giving up on something they thought they could do themselves.

...And now you ask me.

The dark corridor is lit as thunder struck somewhere nearby. I look out the foggy window to see the nothing but blinding rain.

How I want to just take teacher and run away from this place. But teacher loves her people, and… no, that’s wrong. I too have people I can’t turn my back to. If anything, I decided that I can’t keep running away. This is as good time as any to make a stand.

“Storm is coming.”

…What?

Douzhen points at the dark clouds hovering above the vale. “A big one, it seems. Cursed luck we have.”

Storm… is coming.

That’s right. I don’t have much time. Storm is coming and along with it, something worse than a demon. According to Thalvos, something that will “kill everything”.

I’m going, mentor.

“Go where?”

To kill myself a demon.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

I threaten him with a glare.

Don’t try to stop me.

“Oh, I won’t be the one to do that.”

He nods at something behind me. I turned around, and there she stands in the middle of the corridor, the dim windows painting her figure with shadows of the raindrops. Her eyes tell me that she heard everything.

“Did you mean what you said?” she asked.

…Teacher.

She still looks as misshapen as she was, except for her eyes — her eyes that were dead before… there’s a new fire in them.

“Fay,”

I flinched when she called my name, my heart already beating faster before I realized it.

“I asked you a question.”

This is her. She’s back.

Yes, I meant it, I said, answering her gaze.

“I can’t let you go.”

And I won’t let you stop me.

“Yeah, I know,” a sly smirk forms on her face, “that’s why I’ll go with you, instead.”

Eh?

She raises her hand, then slams it down on my head, ruffling my hair without a care.

“I understand now. Caging you is like trying to train a wild beast; tiring, expensive, and dangerous to us both.”

T─Teacher…

I don’t know if she’s saying sorry or if she’s just insulting me.

“Well, that said,” she turns to Douzhen. “I suppose, as our common mentor, you’ll try to stop us, now?”

“Not at all,” he replied, much to teacher’s surprise. “Or rather, the others are already waiting.”

“’Others?’”

“Mind you, we’ll be going directly against the elders’ decision. Especially you,” he points at me, looking me up top to bottom, “you should change your clothes. We wouldn’t want them to see a dead girl walking around.”

Err… what?

“I said it, didn’t I? You’re not even supposed to be alive.”

Teacher narrows her eyes at me. “…Fay?”

Oh, crap...

“What did you do?”

Well, someone ought to teach those butthead elders a lesson, so I…

“…What?”

Uhm…

Maybe I should’ve left her crying in the bedroom.