A Hypocritical Smile

My first real memory was of the endless blue sky and how I admired it simply for being so large and free.

Wanting to be someone who could be like that to other people, I placed a smile on my face and listened and talked to people. They placed their trust in me and I answered them as best as I could.

Who knew it soon became that I was unable to do the same for others.

They poured their very selves into me as they told me everything, even the things I did not need to know, should not need to know. They were pushing everything onto me and as such for that first memory to not be tainted I continued to answer their trust.

However I soon learnt, though too late that even if someone placed their trust in you and told you their secrets, they might not want you to know anymore and would try to harm you in any way to get rid of you.

As a result, two children, who were under my care were killed by accident in one of these plans went wrong. I felt it was foolish and a waste of life, only pity could be felt for them as their only real family wasn't really a family.

That is the fate of orphans like myself.

Abandoned by parents, relatives or even fate. Uncared for by the world, out of duty we were only cared for. If not, many of us would have died before we learnt how to walk.

Because it was out of duty, there was no real love, except from each other who were in the same situation.

As such, to gain their trust, I learnt how to 'love' others like they were something precious. No one knew, only a few suspected but my act did not stop. Could not stop.

At first, the blame was placed on me by those who wished me harmed, me, the secret keeper you could say but soon enough my 'love' payed off and I was still protected. But I knew that this 'love' was fake and as such this protection would be fake as well.

Because of this I decided to stop this act and care not for others, but soon I found that the act and real reversed. The act of caring was too strong now for me to forget, even if the real me wanted me not to.

Some call this kindness to be unable to stop caring.

I call it a curse since you cannot live without others. Like a puppy, this kind heart of mind would die without others but at the same time my cold heart only gains from this.

One side is white, the one the world sees, one side is black, the one that is hidden.

Eventually by some miracle I was adopted at a late age. I thought I would become an adult and sustain myself alone else take care of the younger children at the orphanage. It was a fate I was considering quite a lot.

But in the end, I was still not alone. Five others were adopted at the same time, with age the same as me to lower by a few years.

I felt there was something more than simple yearning for love from them. That they might want to live their own lives but immediately was disappointed.

They pushed the role of 'leader' onto me, there was nothing different at all.

But at the same time there was this whole other world in the game Royal Road. Something I never played but heard a lot of. I remember watching brave warriors, powerful mages and sneaky assassins fight in all kinds of places and against all kinds of monsters.

It could be a world I could be myself at last.

But soon I realised that I would be stuck with the other five. We trained and got stronger together as I played my role as they did as well.

The smiling kind leader was what I was to them.

But training was fulfilling, fighting was trilling!

Bit by bit I could become myself, I could fight alone at last! But I have trained into my role, a support pillar for everyone else.

If we were birds then they, though all different could all fly away but I alone was flightless. Stuck on the ground, destined to die alone. But they didn't leave, even when I only showed them a bit of my true nature.

My nature where I didn't care about anyone or anything and just killed and killed.

They accepted it but still fear it. But they still accepted it, something I did not expect. Time passed and quickly we met stronger and stronger people all over the place. I was in awe seeing their power.

Their independence.

Their freedom.

I wished for it. Even it was a hard path, I desired that same freedom as them. But I realised that what I considered to be my chained reversed that I was their chains, holding them back. I wanted to get stronger.

And 'that' answered.

This 'Mark' that was a mysterious power with unknown origins except it came from a known person.

The more I yearn for it, the more it gave me but at the same time, the more it consumed me bit by bit. I could tell as the white was slowly disappearing and the black was rising slowly but surely.

This was a chance.

The fake white could finally disappear!

But at the same time, that part that connected to those five would disappear as well. Then who glowed in the light cannot coexist with me in the dark.

And because of this I continued to grip onto the white. I continued to foolishly wish for that white that would allow me into the light.

Even if this smile is fake, even if this light is fake, I still desired it.

But he saw through me, that monster with the mask of a human. If my smile was a mask, in the end I was still human. But his mask is of a human, there was a monster underneath it. And those five have not noticed it yet.

He drew out the black in me.

Forced it out, giving it food to grow. The black was growing larger, but the white was not getting smaller as well. Soon...it became the same size as each other.

White and black balanced.

I was now unsure which one was the real one.

Was this fake smile real?

Was this cruelty real?

No! I wish to be in the same place as them!

The black must be fake! The white must be real!

But the white has been strained already. The black was mixing in and was turning grey.

This fake smile was still fake, but was there something else underneath it?

If both colours, both sides mix then what would be the results?

Would they accept it? This ugly me?

But until then...I will continue giving them this fake hypocritical smile.

A Lonely Attitude

I knew from a long time that I was superior to others.

Learning how to walk and talk quickly I soon went on to see the world I was in at a much higher level than others. While some played with toys, I chose instead to learn more of this world.

And what I learnt, that I will forever remain ignorant of everything.

To know more but know that you will be ignorant or to know less but know you know a lot, the choice was clear.

Was that a mistake? I was not sure, maybe I could have interact with others more easily if I choice differently.

But my choice shaped me.

I was Cold. Sharp. Precise.

As such was the way the world saw me, how I saw me as I deemed myself the superior one and as such needed to act as such. There was no need for other people, they were mere picture-books to the textbook I was.

People admire me, desist me, fear me who knew too much in too little time.

Whether it were tests in mathematical nature or literary nature, I aced them all. Even though things on the physical side was harder for me, some training efficiency made me still superior than most in that area as well.

And I was alone.

The lone queen without even a King as I did not allow it.

Many have pursue me whether it was for greed, pride or simple admiration but my rejection of them only caused them and others to continue to distance myself from me.

Rumours spread.

Strangers became enemies.

But even so, I continued to exist alone and whole unlike them who damaged themselves while trying to damage me.

To them, I was perfect but to myself I was even less perfect than them.

All of this and I was barely able to hold a simple conversation to others. My hands were cold, just like my heart. And like ice when in the presence of the sun, I would melt and disappear completely.

But things did not turn out as I expected.

I did not find a sun to cause me to become nothing as I once expected. Such geniuses were uncommon or rare enough that I could not find one even when trying.

But upon adoption, something I thought would never happen, as adults saw me and did not see a child, I met those five.

To me, they were all damaged goods. I was damaged goods.

But at the same time, I thought they all could be suns and melt me away. I feared them. I knew that they too were special.

I needed to take control and quickly.

And I did, more quickly than I thought that I thought that they knew of my intentions from the start.

They did not...

Like a machine, I trained under another.

Took that knowledge and made it my own. This whole new world that I could never enter! A place of magic and might!

A whole another world filled with everything to challenge myself was perfect to me. But in the end I still had five other people to pull forward. I let one of them be the puller instead and sat back and continued to hone myself.

But they too honed themselves at the same time.

It was unexpected but it was true that some trained themselves more than others. I just needed to do so more than them.

But I felt the limits to this. Even if I put a 11 and they put a 10, the difference was too small to notice until a long time! But even so, I needed to be superior to them, even though I placed myself in the support role.

I soon felt the limitations of this and went to learn another branch, another way of fighting, on my own this time.

The strong were simply strong.

There was noting special about them, with time anyone could get to that point. That was cold hard truth about this game, with time and effort anyone could get strong, as it is a game.

But cruel reality came crashing down earlier than I thought.

I saw strength beyond the limits, battles that were impossible and powers that made me fear it's unknown. This fear, this fear of being inferior pushed me to master more than I could handle at times.

And it rewarded me.

But at the same time, the other five did the same as well. Did they think they needed to be superior as well? Those thoughts disappeared with the effects of the 'Mark' appearing with time.

I knew it would come but still feared it.

It showed them what I hidden away.

A kind me. A warm me. A me that became the sun against the ice in my heart.

It was opening like a wound and did not close, could not close as ice will only be continued to be melted by the warmth of the sun. But that sun in me was only so small, my ice could trap it forever still.

But there were five more suns around me.

And one especially large one as well that I like a moth to a flame could only be drawn to. That warmth he gave me, in some ways saved me but at the same time doomed me.

Like an addict, I desired more of it.

Desired to own it, even consume it if needed in the end. These feelings of a fickle and small person, I knew this feeling from love. I only hope that this love of mind does not get responded no matter what.

For if this love turned mutual, the sun in me would explode and the ice which I have carefully crafted for all these years would disappear.

I would no longer be superior, not, needed not to be superior for I knew that I would have no need for that. And because of that, I feared that outcome the most.

I am alone.

And will always be. But my heart, my desires for warmth in this cold casing around my heart will not allow me to.

My self is a mirror. One side is ice cold that rejects all while the other is warm that causes the ice to melt slowly.

I am destroying myself.

I wish for the warmth of others but at the same time reject it as it has always been in the past and I once thought it would be for the future.

I want to be alone, but at the same time I do not want to be alone. I still wish for others.

A Kind Hatred

I am a parasite that lives off the kindness of others.

That is something I know more than anything else. With my appearance, it is easy for others to wish to take care of me.

Those who make the better impression will get the most kindness from others, and benefit from others the most.

Even so, there is also the problem of envy.

When one has something another do not, they try to take it away from them to even the level field, to drag others down to them and then kick them even further down.

That is how people 'rise' up in the world.

However is it wrong that I do not wish to 'rise'? People expect me to solely based on how they like my appearance. Expectations, wishes, desires are things that I do not have.

I find them something unnecessary for me who can only live off others.

When I do simple things, I get praise.

When I stand out, I get kicked down.

I soon learnt how to limit myself so I would not attract the attention of others whose expectations, wishes and desires are more than they can handle. They loathe me who had less than them and yet lived better than them.

This was even the case for the 'adults'.

This was even the case for 'teachers'.

The one who attacks me are not children for they hold no ill expectations, no ill wishes and no ill desires.

Instead the ones who were suppose to hold tolerance and respect did. My so called peers and elders were such people who did not hold these things, they were even lower than children.

However they had influence. Something that merely appearances alone cannot get, I cannot get. Together they must have felt the top of the world pushing someone else below them.

Not to mention of those who just watched as I continued to be abused and abused over and over again.

I did not blame them.

They did not want to get dirty.

So they ignore anything that they do not want to see. It a blind curtain that was useful in order for you to only look up and never down.

So I endured. I endured and endured and pushed my emotions inside of me.

Soon I stopped talking, that was unnecessary.

Soon I stopped expressing myself, that was unnecessary.

Anything to make it easier for me to endure. And so, my wish came true in a twisted manner, I no longer felt pain. It was fine now, with no pain, I can continue to endure. However there was always something lacking now...

With no pain, my heart instead of fearing them, loathes them now. Those who attack me, I will punish.

This hatred would kill them and in turn kill me.

But I never got that chance. And by ironic chance, I seemed to have been picked up for adoption which was strange since I was near adult now. From an early age, there was no one who came to adopt but now, it was so sudden.

There, I met five other people like me. All of an age that should not be possible to adopt, but here we were. This was a strange situation.

However it became even more strange, they trained under different masters and yet still were gathered together as one.

Fighting together, getting stronger together, the bonds between was only getting stronger with time.

And that scared me.

Can I trust them? I who was at the front, the vanguard, the defender, the tank. Could I trust them with my back?

Never once have they attacked me even on accident.

Therefore I decided to trust them, to that extent that is. I found myself being able to talk only a bit to them. There were things that simple actions cannot convey and I did not have the tools to write my thoughts here as well.

However looking at their happy expression, like nothing was wrong, this small hatred that had been nurtured for so long began to spout.

Why could they smile like that while I couldn't?

Why could they laugh like that while I couldn't?

Why could they express themselves like that while I couldn't?

It wasn't fair. For I had suffered for than them and yet in the end I was only rewards more than them.

When I realised these emotions, I shut them off immediately. They did not need to see this side of me. I did not need to see this side of me.

I am a parasite that lives off the kindness of others.

They do need me to live on. I need them to live on.

It was clear on who was higher than the other. As such I will follow them, leeching off them all in order to live. For that is the only way I know how to live.

For I live off the kindness of others.

There was no need for me to feel anything else when I can just live. But it was getting harder for me to do so. This 'Mark' reveals what is hidden deep in the heart. It is something that will destroy me, my way of life.

Already I feel the urge to kill.

I fill the urge to end the everything of others. But in this world, it seemed to be accepted.

I could use monsters and not humans to solve this, even if the insides are running out of control. Therefore I swore to myself that I will not harm them.

That was the only thing I could do.

To never become their enemy at least, I will not bite the hand that keeps me alive, that is a basic instinct that even a dog has. Though I was no better than a dog obeying every order like a machine.

But I think, the sometimes...maybe that I can live without the need to take the kindness of others.

To live a life on my own, without being supported all the time.

Such a life would be freedom but at the same time I know, that in the end I will die alone with that kind of life. Like a domesticated caged bird, I will not fly from the cage for inside the cage was safe.

Even though the cage changed, it was still a cage in the end. I cannot fly out of it.

But even so, even with these flaws, there are things I must do. In order to protect this cage of mind, I will continue to protect it no matter what. I have placed the carriage in front of the horse.

With this kind hatred to the things that bind me, this is the only thing I can do.

An Expected Ideal

I wish to be a better person.

That was the simple wish that started it all, though at the same time it started later than it should have.

Timid, Clumsy and Useless.

Those were the things I was called all the time. Me who could not do anything was scorn for what I could not do. I was a simple matter that I did not think much of, it was a natural thing is happen.

Thus I accepted such a fate to be hated due to only that.

That is, until I saw that person.

She was bright, intelligence and most importantly someone better than me at least. It was due to this that I desired to be like her, become like her. I placed that expectation on myself.

Trying to be better than before, I put more effort in become like that person. That person who stood up for me, I worked for that expectation as well.

However other people did not want me to succeed.

They wished for me to be that person that they could blame everything on. They made me to be that person who they could blame everything on.

Even when I was a bit better than before, they made my mistakes larger, even ones I did not know even existed, did not exist at all.

I did not know what to do.

That person supported me but the time where she could was running out. I had to change and had to do it now.

But at the same time I could not change.

I continued on being useless. But even so, I kept that person in my mind to become like that person. I wanted to be great! I wanted other to depend on me.

Even if I hate other people.

I wish for them to depend on me even so. Even if they would use me, throw me away and break me, I will continue to try my best.

Because that was the only thing I could do.

But even though I did not change, could not change, other things around me changed instead. With a new place to call home and a new family I was gifted these things to start over.

However even if what around me changed, I did not change at all from before. Immediately in this new world, I was unable to do anything.

Then I met that person. The second person that I could admire. A different type of person compared to before.

She was bright, brutal and a representation of what I could be in this new world. As such I would train to be like that person no matter what.

Even if I was useless, I would try and try until I could. In this new world, I was given that chance and I will take it.

However it was clear that I was not suited for battle. I trembled into the face of danger, and needed others to protect me. Even with the skills to heal others, that was all I could do, heal.

But in my desperation I have learnt something different than I expected and become someone who could slay dozens of monsters once in a row even if I could only do so once in a while.

Even if it was a bit, I was changing bit by bit. I did not know if it was better for me but I was getting closer to that person that I admired in this world.

However at the same time, bit by bit, I have learnt to admire the others as well. They strengths and weaknesses were becoming clear as time passed but at the same time, they don't let their weaknesses get to them.

Because of this, I became to respect them and acknowledge them as well.

They too were moving forward as well.

I wish to be strong.

I wish to be bright.

I wish for many things but at the same time I was not fine with what I was.

Because of this, I desired strength but the role I was placed in did not allow me such strength. But at the same time I continued to desire it, to place that expectation on himself.

I no longer wanted to be timid, clumsy and useless. I wanted to become someone else at least in this world.

But to throw away all of that was something I found to be unable to do.

I was still timid, clumsy and useless in the end but thankfully not as much as before.

Soon enough, obtaining this 'Mark', which was able to draw out the hidden emotions of a person, I knew that soon I would be able to act like myself more.

A me that was not burdened with expectations on myself. This was not what I wanted.

Without it, I will turned back into what I was. The little bit of achievement and process which I made for so long would disappear if that was the case.

However some things changed for the better at least with this.

With less expectations, the better I saw who I really was.

I am so small.

Not only in height but abilities and even expectations. What I aimed for was to be a normal person though on the slightly brighter side. It was something to not aim for but instead to simply be.

My whole life of me wanting to be better than what I was a mistake. That dug in quite deep. But at the same time, I soon realised that the second person I placed my expectations on was something great.

That person was not normal, powerful to the point that it would be easy to be called a monster.

As such, even though the first person I admired faded a bit, the second became even brighter.

I wish to be stronger than before, no-I wish to be as strong as that person. As such I trained myself more than ever, but the strangest thing was that at the same time, the others did as well. They were improving themselves as well.

This was good.

They were similar.

Surely all of them wanted to be stronger as well. For whatever reason it was.

At the same time, I sought to improve my relationship with other people. First it was the girls, with them things came more naturally. As my elders, I respected them as they were hard working and talented in what they did.

The boys, were more difficult. One of them was mute, one of them had a bad mouth enough to make me cry but there was one that was kind and listened to me all the time.

That kindness was something I could not take.

It would have been better to called useless than get that kindness.

As such another part of me was revealed that I did not know. A darker side-no it would be better to call it a more primitive side. A side that was the opposite of myself. A side that was wild and dangerous.

However, I kept it in me, still sleeping though I hope it could be a part of me soon as well.

A Fake Laugh

I knew from the start that I had less talent than other people in the things I wished to do.

It was why I worked harder than anyone else.

I prove myself equal to those people. When was it that I was called the talented one?

However at the same time I kept this kind of thing up. I worked harder and harder without anyone knowing. Those who knew only gave me some silent praise for my efforts but other that did not know complicated only on my 'talent'.

I was not talented, this was the result of hard work.

As such I haven't even dated a guy yet! Worse yet I haven't even gone out with friends at all!

When did it start though? When did this cycle of more and more hard work start to only be called talented?

I do no know, but this kind of cycle lasted for almost a decade.

At the day, in the presence of others I was called a genius of sorts. Talented in all the fields that I went into. Whether it was intelligence and physical ability I excelled in all of them to the point that I even surpassed the talented ones.

But in the night, without the presence of others, I worked harder and harder making sure I was better than the last day.

My mind strained with countless pieces of knowledge trying to get into my head while my body screamed as I continued to pull it beyond it's limits.

It was the cycle of destruction and I knew it.

However because of this, I was trilled to be bathed in the glory of one that is called talented, a queen that was above others you could say. But that was my downfall as well.

You see, people don't like it when others are always better than them.

They will do whatever it takes to bring you down instead of going up. Well some of the talented ones tried to do the latter but what was a few months of hard work compared to years of gruesome training that made even me shake in fear.

Though I was the one who did this to myself. I was too bright for them.

I cannot stop.

Even if rumours were spread about me. Even if people that once praise me distance themselves from me.

I will never stop.

Because I was called a genius, I was worked hard to shine in the light.

Because I was called a genius, I was in the end isolated from everyone else.

But then, a chance appeared. A new home, a new place to be myself. I no longer needed to keep up this act.

But that act was me now. And I sought the same attention as before, only that I was surrounded by people that were actual geniuses that my own 'genius'. These were people who have done the same as me and yet worked less for it.

Therefore I wanted to lead them. Make myself larger than them, it was something I had always done and succeeded in but then failed the first time.

My ego was shot down. It was as simple as that.

I did not blame them, this was actually a good thing. I could be someone else now, I did not need to be in the light all the time, in fact it was better to stay in the shadows from now on. Only that someone else was better at it as well.

Therefore I continued to work for myself, for that ego. Not that I knew that getting that 'Mark' only made things harder for me.

Talent? Effort?

All of those things could just burn up for all I care! Such things were meaningless unless there was a reward for it, something I could show off with!

And I knew how ugly this emotion was. This feeling called vain was.

Therefore I wanted to start over, a new me. It was easy, using the excuse of the 'Mark' I built a new self though at the same time knew that this vain of mine was the real me.

And that my deepest emotion was to abandoned this and disappear completely.

But I cannot, I did not want to no one, I wanted to be someone and if I ran from all of this, no matter how far I ran, nothing would change, no it would only get worse.

I would abandon others for myself if I did this.

That was something I, as one who worked hard all my life could not do. It was simply that I too worked hard on this relationship with the others.

Friends or foes they were, we were always together in the end. Friends forever? Maybe not.

But comrades forever? That was indeed possible.

And with joining a guild, I had so many more comrades as well, even though I only met with a small portion of them. Most of them seemed to be travelling around the place doing stuff.

Each of them seemed powerful and I was excited on when I would get to that level. It was not simply vain that I wanted to be as strong as them. It was more that I wanted to slay monsters like people in legends.

Such things weren't easy to come by even for me.

However seeing those three, I realised that my efforts will never reach their level. They were powerful to such an extent that I knew no number of effort or talent anyone else could process could match them.

It would not be wrong to call them broken cheat characters.

But that was fine. It would be strange if there weren't people like that, people that no other can touch.

But at the same time, a fire was lit inside of me. A fire that was waiting to be lit up for a long time.

Yes, this feeling was something called joy.

The joy in getting stronger, to see your hard work pay off as you sliced the head off an enemy or when you can battle people at speeds that make everything else blur.

It is because of this, I have been addicted to battles.

The trill of it was something that I could not get enough up. To fight and to get stronger were two things are were a part of each other.

And the best thing about it was that the others seemed to be the same as me.

All of them wanted to be stronger for one reason or another.

But to get stronger for the sake of getting stronger?

Perhaps only I had that kind of feeling in this group.

But even so, I feel that something is missing. Something that is important that would allow me to flare up greater than ever.

I do not know what it is. But it makes me sad that I am missing it.

Whether it is love, hate or revenge, I do not know what it is I need.

And because of this, I will continue to laugh, hiding that something is wrong. That something is missing from me. Am I human...or a puppet of my own expectations?

A Fearful Nightmare

From the start, it seemed that I lacked the shining the presence that others seemed to have naturally.

However that was fine.

Even though strangers soon forgot me, my parents never did. That is, not intentionally.

As I grew this problem only increased. There were times where I skipped a meal thanks to this and I saw the distress of my parent's face as they realised this as well.

But at the same time, it was the thing that allowed me to live.

They forgot me. That will never change.

But at the same time, they died at the incident as well. Something that will never change as well.

And I lived thanks to that.

Therefore I had mixed feelings on why I was still alive. On one hand, I lived due to not being there but at the same time it hurt me greatly in my heart that my own parents forgot about me even if it was for a second.

And on another hand if I was there with them, I would have died and nothing would happen then. But would it be so bad for me to end like that?

Such suicidal thoughts were immediately planted in my mind thanks to this.

However soon I was faced with another situation. It was the fact that I no longer had no support in my life, otherwise known as orphanage life.

It did not help that my condition made it near impossible for me to be close to anyone with an attention span with only a few minutes. Such was the defect of children and adults that would presumably more attentive weren't much better as well.

However life continued for me even if people were unintentionally forgetting me.

I had many friends.

It was just that I doubt they would remember me when we would change classes every year.

This continued even to my high school years.

Countless incidents where I was forgotten and something happened was recorded. Hell even a rumour of the disappearing boy was created due to me.

What I knew was that I was very surprise that someone, someone I didn't even know called for me telling me that I was to be accepted in this rich family.

I thought it was too good to be true. And it was, there were five other people with me over there.

Two of them were guys, one average looking and one good looking which made him hate him more than I should thanks to that.

Compared to that, the three girls, one was cold like ice, one was small as hell and the last was a puffed up balloon of ego and self confidence.

Not exactly the best impression on them all. As such I decided to keep to myself for the most part. It seemed like the perfect idea for the moment and it was indeed the right idea.

However later on...bit by bit I started to open up but not too much.

Started to talk more.

The reason was more than simple to me. I did not want to be forgotten as they were slowly doing with me not making my presence on them.

However it was extremely hard to do when your role was to sneak around the place without other people knowing. It was also strange that I was really good at this in battle.

Most of the time, even monsters ignored me for the others which made it very easy to kill the or land a critical hit.

However with the addition of the 'Mark' strangely enough, for better or worse, it became harder and harder to hide myself from the others. However hiding from monsters and the like were still the same.

It looked like I was making a large impression on them.

But at the same time my relationship with them went for the worse.

At least for the girls at least.

One of them loathes his attitude, one of them loathes his mouth and one of them was scared of him now.

However even those relationship mended themselves somewhat with time.

Even if it ended up with some permanent relationship damage between myself and them for the most part. At least the trust issue did not lead to them stabbing me somewhere while I wasn't looking.

But aside from that, I recently noticed another problem here.

That is, my presence was slowly slipping again. Even in this game, it had decided that others would soon forget about him, even if it were those I wished to not disappear upon.

I do not want to disappear.

I do not want them to forget about me.

It is something that I didn't want to happen even if I died. For to me, being forgotten is something I find worse than death now as it was to my parents.

I did not want to be that dream that you could not exactly remember.

I am afraid of that outcome. Therefore I wanted to plant my presence, my existence onto others, even if it means playing the bad guy to some of them.

My mouth wasn't that bad, from what I knew I knew what ticked people off and usually avoided them but at the same time, I knew how to intentionally tick people off to make sure my presence was known to them.

Though I felt slightly sick doing this.

I believe the two guys knew of this. They didn't comment on my bad mouth, mostly due to one day me sharing that fear with them, else they figured it out on their own. The average looking one knew the mind and heart quite well.

While the silent one knew the emotional states of other people quite well.

But the girls...for as sensitive they were to some things, they were completely clueless about this.

Well it was not like I cared, as long as they remembered me it was all fine to me, even if they resent me and rather not have me there at all.

But at the same time...sometimes I get these nightmares.

Nightmares that scare me more than anything.

A world where I was forgotten once again.

A world where I did not exist.

I would be more free than anyone else, yes but at the same time I would be more lonely.

That was something that I cannot endure. And so I act this way, in due course because of that fear. I wish to become stronger in order to make myself harder to forget. They say it was hard to forgot someone strong.

I take that to heart and wish myself to be stronger than before.

But until then, until the time when that can happen, I am content on my current position. I am content that I exist in their hearts at least.

Else the nightmares will come back. I do not want to be forgotten.

Onwards?PreviousExitNext

Author's Notes:

- Word Count: 7000~

- This is something I decided to do since I felt that the characterisation of the MCs was a bit lacking even though it is 6 volumes in now. I have actions but individual thoughts on some of the more personal things was hard to do when you are trying to focus on six people at once. This is a slightly outline of the thoughts the MCs had at some time near the end of the second Arc.

- Also I was meaning to split this into 6 parts, once for each but decided to out them all in one.