Stretched out on a cot in Loren’s room, Pyre tried to sleep, but his mind was so full he couldn’t sleep. Had it been a just a bit more than two weeks ago that he had been whisked to Beyond, delivered a baby, seen an Angel, tracked Sonpur and been captured by a Militia? At the center of this had been Fand, and she was now safe inside the Council City's walls. She had scarcely been aware of him she was so absorbed in baby Zel. That was only natural for a mother. Pyre recalled his own mother after the birth of each of his sisters. He also thought of the farm animals after they had become mothers. It was a natural thing. Though Fand had not given birth to Zel she had taken her straight into her heart. She would never be the same again. Still, there was one potential problem, Loren. Would he claim custody of the child? Pyre opened his eyes and looked at his friend.

Flat on his back, Loren lay rigid staring at the ceiling. His fists were clenched. He leapt from his bed and began to pace the length of his small room. His steps were silent, but his breathing was agitated. The window in his room let in the silver moon light. Pyre watched him go to his book shelf and selected a volume. Loren went to the window and thumbed through it as if he were looking for something. His brows were furrowed.

Pyre asked, “Can’t sleep?”

His voice startled Loren. Dazed he looked up from his book and said, “No.” He sighed, thrust the book back into the shelf.

Pyre asked, “What’s the trouble?”

“Nothing I’m ready to share at the moment. Go back to sleep. I will get it sorted.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I think I might take a walk.”

Before Loren could leave the room there was a knock at the door. Who would be calling at this hours? Loren answered the door. It was Rufus. He held a lantern and two books. “Sorry to bother ya, sir.” He passed small handmade books over to Loren. “Fand asked me to bring these to you. She apologizes for the lateness of the hour.”

So something was keeping Fand awake too.

Silently, Loren the books. He studied them for a moment. nodded his thanks and shut the door in Rufus’ face. He went to his desk and lit his candle. Pyre noticed, Loren’s hands were shaking. The color left his face. He looked like he was about to faint. Instantly Pyre was by his side. “Come sit down friend.” He helped Loren to his bed.

Slow large tears dripped onto Loren’s tunic. In his hands were the books and a letter with Loren’s name on it. His voice dropped low and almost broke when he said, “This is from my mother. Would you read it, I can’t see very well right now.”

Pyre took the letter and asked, “Are you sure you want me to break the seal?” Mutely, Loren nodded. The light was too dim, so Pyre got up and went to the desk. With careful fingers he broke the seal on the letter. He felt the intensity of Loren’s eyes upon him. Empathy filled his heart. These were the last words Loren would ever have from his mother. Pyre tilted the letter toward the candle light and began to read:

Dear Loren,

You have been such a good son to me. I know my time is quickly passing for my energy is low. There is an issue with my heart, my foolish heart. How much it has cost us both. I do not want this child to pay for my poor choices the way you have. It is best that I go, though it hurts so much to know I will never know her and she will never know me. If she is born with wingbuds let her keep them. A woman named Audra will come for her. If she does not have wingbuds you keep her if that is what you wish. If it is not, then give her to Wert and Geworden. They are her family too. Zog Geworden is her father. Please take her to see Zog’s father. He needs to know a bit of Zog still lives.

The books are to be shared with your sister. If she stays with you or goes with Fand, please pass the letter and books to your sister on her sixteenth birthday. If she goes with Audra she will not need the books. I have already given a copy of this letter to Audra.

My heart is breaking. I will miss you my son. My prayer is that you and your sister will find a contentment that has eluded me. Know that my love is always with you.

I love you.

Mother

Pyre looked up at Loren. A single tear slid down his face. In a soft voice he said, “I don’t want to raise my sister. I don’t want to be a parent. I feel a calling on my life that frightens me at times. I fear because of it I will not be any more reliable than my own mother was. That may just be an excuse, still I really want Fand to take Zel. I pray she wants her. Does that make me selfish?”

Loren’s words eased the fear in Pyre’s heart. He said, “You aren’t selfish, only honest. You have seen the way Fand and Uncle Wert love the child. They will take good care of her. A girl needs a mother, just ask Fand.”

With a catch in his voice, Loren said, “Shouldn’t I want Zel, she is my sister? Truth is I don’t want her at all.”

“Perhaps, you are just feeling this way because of grief. You are human Loren, and a part of you may blame this child for the loss of your mother. Give it time, I am sure you will grow to love her.”

Loren looked directly at Pyre and asked, “Do you think?”

“I do.”

"So you really think Fand will take her and raise her?”

Pyre smiled at his troubled friend. “Yes, I do. I believe she has already claimed Zel in her heart. She knows you have legal rights to Zel and she will not contest whatever you decide.”

“I still feel selfish.”

Pyre placed a hand on Loren’s shoulder and said, “In time, I believe this feeling will pass because it is not selfish to give a child to someone who already loves her, to someone who has risked her life to save her and care for her. Giving her to Fand is one of the most loving things you will do in this life. Don’t let your self loathing rob you of this generosity.”

Loren stood up and began to pace. He said, “I fear I have jealous streak in me.”

Pyre protested, “You don’t.”

“Yes, I do. My mother named Zel’s father in writing. She never named mine, not even verbally.” Loren sighed and said, “I had hoped my mother would confirm the identity of my father at some point in my life, but she never did. When I was thirteen and she had was deathly sick with a fever, she cried and cried and kept saying over and over, ‘I am so sorry Petran. It was him, not you. Him with his robes and power.’ I didn’t know what she was talking about and had no idea who Petran was. When I was fourteen I got sent to the Council City. My mother had been very troubled for awhile. She never shared her troubles with me. At the time she told me, ‘You have gift Loren and I have a friend named Dr. Kran. I think he can train you to become a worthy doctor. I didn’t want to leave her, but I also didn’t want to miss the opportunity to learn, to perhaps become a doctor. One evening shortly after my arrival in the Council City, Jerue took me to Kammin Spire and showed me the murals on the wall. I will never forget how sick I felt when I saw that pregnant girl. I knew she was my mother and I was the child in her womb. In that moment I felt Jerue’s mind touch mine. It was then that I knew he was my father. I have NEVER wanted Jerue to be my father. Never.”

Sadness filled Pyre. He was not sure what to say. His own mother was as solid as the earth. Never had he wondered about who he was. Heaven had gifted him with a good father. What was it like to hate the man who had given you life? What was it like to know the evil your father had sewn? Loren was nothing like Jerue. He was brave, noble, intelligent and conscientious. Some how he had become these things largely on his own. Softly Pyre said, “Regardless of who your father is or was you must realize that what truly matters is the man you have become. You are a fine and decent person who serves the good in this world.”

Loren did not respond. He got up from the bed and put on his robe. At the door he said, “I need some air. Go to sleep friend. I will try not to wake you when I return.”

Pyre started to ask if he wanted company, but he didn’t. Sometimes solitude was the only comfort a body could stand. The door closed behind Loren. Pyre sighed and then sent up a silent prayer. Must love and life be so difficult? it seemed so. He blew out the candle and lay back down on the cot.