no more secrets

✧

here's something inhumane about hearing someone beg you to spare their life while you have the bargaining power. It was down to you to determine how much time they had left in their existence. And you suddenly find yourself in the position of a God who reigns over life and death.

Please... please! Please, let me... let-let me live. Please. Please.

The words rumbled in their head, stuck on repeat like a broken record, and every time it passed her mind she couldn't picture anything other than her eyes. Brown with spots of black in them, like tiny chocolate chips, and they were wide, pure, and innocent, drawn to the rim with glistening tears while all shades of terror flashed before them.

You're a monster.

The sound of bones snapping like twigs echoed in her mind, and she felt colder.

You're a monster!

In her ears, she could hear a boy's cries. He was young and weak and reminded her so much of herself that it felt like she was peering into a nightmarish mirror. He was frightened of everything and wanted nothing more than his mother's comfort, warmth, and voice to take him out of whatever nightmare he was living.

YOU'RE A MONSTER!

Rue jolts awake. She's gasping for air as if it was robbed from her lungs, and there's a thin layer of cold sweat sticking to her skin. Her brain is throbbing against her skull, and her world spins in circles. The blurry image of Nancy Wheeler's basement slowly comes to focus, and Rue has to swallow the bile that threatens to crawl up her throat.

Her arms are shaky as she pushes herself up on her elbows, groaning half-asleep as she looks around the room. The basement is empty other than Robin asleep in the reclining chair by the corner of the room.

She can hear ongoing chatter upstairs, along with the roaming footsteps of everyone against the roof of the basement.

Rue throws the blankets away from her body, trembling furiously. She walks to the restroom, not willing to look at herself in the mirror because she knows she'll scare herself back into the nightmare. Rue wipes her face and rinses her mouth with water before making her way upstairs when she feels more awake.

"Morning, bug," Nancy's voice was the first one Rue could pick out among the din of the living room. Everyone is dispersed throughout the spacious room, with plates of eggs and bacon on their laps and a jar of fresh lemonade on the coffee table. Rue rubbed her eyes, unsure if she was still dreaming.

As everyone looks at her, she becomes keenly aware of the mess she has become since waking up. She grumbles quietly to herself, raking her fingers through the tangles in her hair as embarrassment crawls up her spine.

She can't help but think of the lively chatter she stepped into. How could they all have a morning breakfast, making jokes with each other, knowing they were one step ahead of Vecna, knowing they only had to locate a way to the Upside Down to kill him before anybody else died? Wasn't that why they had dragged her all the way to Hawkins?

How could they sit there like a family and pretend everything was fine when it's not?

"What the fuck is this?" Rue didn't mean to sound so insensitive, but her mouth was moving before she could think of something reasonable to say.

She felt a little out of it that morning, her mind still teetering at the edge of a dream and reality, as if it's split in two, and one half didn't belong to herself.

The group had shared bewildered glances at her abrupt comment, and a few of them shifted uncomfortably in their seats. Rue narrowed her eyes at the boys as they all avoided all eye contact with her, making her feel uneasy.

"We just thought we could have a calmer morning today," Nancy starts, "You know, especially after yesterday. There's some eggs left in the kitchen. Get yourself some and leave a bit for Robin and Eddie."

Rue stays where she is, "Eddie?"

"The other guy from the shed," Nancy tells her, "With the crazy hair. We're gonna go check on him in a bit... so uhm... eat something before we go, okay?"

"...Okay."

When Rue steps into the kitchen, and away from everyone's burning gazes, she feels as if she's able to let out a breath she didn't even know was stuck in her throat.

Rue spots the pan with scrambled eggs and bacon, but she can't bring herself to eat any of it or even seem delighted at the sight of food. She feels her stomach twist up into knots, at the sight of it, almost revolting at the idea of eating anything. Rue decides to drink water instead.

The glass cup is filled to the rim with tap water, it's cold against her hand, and she brings it up to her lips, wincing as it runs down her throat.

"Hey, Rue?"

She jumps, startled at the voice. When she opens her eyes she spots a blur of red hair and puts the cup down on the counter, probably hard enough to break it, but luckily, it doesn't. Rue purses her lips, wiping her mouth with the sleeve of her dark blue flannel, which she realizes belongs to Jonathan.

Rue clears her throat, fixing the white lace tank top under the flannel and wiping off the water she spilt over her chest. She tries to smile at Max, "Hey, what's up?"

Max's hair was in two braids that sat on her shoulders with the headphones of her Walkman, and Rue couldn't help but raise her eyebrows at Max's dark green long-sleeved shirt. "Is that mine?"

Max blinks, placing her dirty plate in the sink, "What-? Oh." She looks down, "Uh, yeah, it's... you left it at my house before you moved," Max clears her throat, and her fingers are tangled with the wires of her headphones. "I was... I came here to ask if you're okay."

"Hmm?" Rue tilts her head. At first, it takes her a second to understand the question, but then she realizes she had snapped at everyone not even ten minutes ago. "Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Just... had a bad dream, that's all."

You're a monster.

Max's eyebrows quirk. She pauses for a moment before saying, "Rue, you know you can talk to me, right?"

Rue has to bite her tongue to stop herself from calling Max a hypocrite. And a part of her becomes so angry over it because all she has ever done was talk to someone about it for the past half year, talk to Dr. Monroe, talk to Joyce, even pour her entire heart out on it in her letters to Max and Lucas.

Rue wants to scream. Every time she ever tries to talk about it, or anything at all, it only pulls her into a worse situation than she started with. Because she had talked about how she felt, she was here, in Hawkins, trapped living in a nightmare she thought she could have escaped from.

You're a monster.

"Yeah," Rue's voice cracks when she speaks, and she tries to wave it off, hoping to pull off the classic bravado she carries around every day at school back in Lenora Hills. "I know."

"With this Vecna stuff, I..." Max sighs, "I took too long to say anything, and look where that's gotten me," she says bitterly, angry with herself, "Um if you feel anything... let me know."

"I already told you I'm fine, Max," Rue tells her, "Please let it go. It was just a nightmare."

Max nods, "Yeah, right. You're right. Sorry," She chuckles dryly, "I'm probably just projecting or whatever." She stands there for a second, looking up at Rue as she thinks.

Then, Max leans on her toes and presses a chaste kiss against Rue's lips. Despite Max's hesitation, the act was casual, as if it was a normal thing for them to do. And Max pulls away a flustered mess, biting her lip to stop herself from smiling before she turns on her heels and walks off.

Rue stands there dumbfounded, trying to process what had happened. The feeling of the press on her lips lingers, and it makes her skin buzz as she watches Max head down the stairs into the basement.

Rue doesn't have the chance to think any more of it when she spots Dustin making his way toward her. His strides are quick and determined, and his face is serious.

She grows worried as he nears her, thinking of the worst. But then his arms are wrapped around her, nearly knocking her over as he hugs her tightly. Dustin places his chin on her shoulder, holding her close as he frowns deeply.

"Dustin?"

"Hm?"

"What're doing?"

"Hugging you."

"I can see that," Rue can't help the short chuckle that slipped from her lips. She slowly settles under his arms, bringing her own around his torso. "Why are we hugging?" She whispered, finding that the moment was too intimate to speak louder.

"Because..." He mutters, "I... you deserve one. And... I'm sorry."

Rue frowns, "You're sorry?"

"For everything. Bringing you here... then not listening to you when you said you've been having nightmares. That you were scared. I was a bad friend."

"Dustin-"

"It's true. And it's not your fault." He continues, and Dustin pulls away so he can look at her. "None of it is your fault. You're not a monster."

Rue stares at him, long and hard, and she feels her face drop once she catches on. He was there. He saw everything and heard all of it. Nearly a gazillion questions start to run through her head all at once, if he'd been alone, exactly how much of it he'd seen, and if he was lying. But his words were sincere, honestly leaking from every syllable.

Rue never realized how badly she wanted to hear those words. Even if she doesn't believe him, even if he'd been telling the truth. Rue knows what she is, but she doesn't mind living within the bliss of ignorance for another day. She doesn't want to know if anyone else had followed her along with Dustin or what else anyone knew or thought of her.

One more day. And nothing more.

"Thank you. I really needed to hear that," Rue tells Dustin the truth from her heart because she didn't want to tell him anything else. Dustin doesn't need to know she could still hear Lucas' cries for his friend haunting her mind. He doesn't need to know she's drowning under the crashing waves of guilt. He doesn't need to know the doubt that continuously swells in her chest.

Because she promised him, she wouldn't doubt herself. She crossed her heart and promised him.

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Rue let her mind wander away from herself for a time. Her fingers twitch at her sides, absentmindedly seeking for the Walkman buttons, only to be disappointed as they brush against the material of her pants, and reality sets in, reminding her that her Walkman is broken in the bottom of her backpack. It's been two days without it, and Rue is on the verge of crying.

Nancy had noticed this and turned on the radio of her car, the latest pop songs of the week blasting from the speakers. Girls on Film by Duran Duran starts to play as they near the outskirts of Hawkins.

Max isn't paying attention to the music since she's still listening to Kate Bush at Rue's side, thrumming her fingers on the window next to her while her other hand holds Rue's softly.

The four boys were squeezed into the very back of Nancy's vehicle after Robin called dibs on the shotgun seat. She had been playing with most of the car's buttons, opening and closing the windows, until Nancy grew irritated and threatened to swap her with Ricky instead.

"Not to be a wimp, but can I sit in the car for this visit?" Robin asks. "'Cause this is gonna totally and royally suck."

Nancy shakes her head, "It'll be fine."

"I just can't stand to see those dull eyes of Eddie's break again after we tell him to turn himself in. Yeah, I know it'll help, but boy, it's gonna crush the poor guy. And if we don't turn to that plan, then, well, there's still dozens of people missing, and all the blame will turn to him if the bodies are ever found. So this is, like, the last resort we turn to. Let's only hope the murders continue after he's locked up... but not in that way, because it totally sucks that innocent people are getting murdered. But for Eddie's sake."

"Great way to be sensitive about it, Robin," Nancy scoffs.

"At least Eddie can drink himself into feeling better," Steve shouts from the back of the car, munching on a can of chips as he waves a six-pack of beer in the air, nearly smacking Dustin in the face with it.

"That's what my mom does," Max muttered under her breath.

Their excursion to the grocery shop had been unpleasant; workers had given them side-eye as Nancy and Steve paid for roughly half the store's worth of food. But only because Ricky and Dustin had a dispute over whether Eddie should have healthy food options or not.

"Why would he care about eating his greens at a time like this?" Dustin had sputtered, gawking at the vegetables Ricky had been stacking in the cart.

"Because, it's good for him and it's scientifically known that vegetables help reduce stress levels!" Ricky argued, "Besides, we ran out of the good stuff two days in. We need to keep a balance, and this is the next best thing without having Eddie overdose in that shed! Also get pretzels. The mini ones, he loves those."

Their heated debate lasted ten minutes before Nancy stepped in and decided she'd just buy both alternatives as long as they stopped arguing about it. And by she'll purchase, she meant Steve would buy it all because he was the only one who made a solid living, and if that wasn't enough, he could always use his father's credit card.

Robin throws her hands in the air, "Why don't we give it a trial? "Hey, Eddie. Uh, good news first this time. We got you some Dustin-approved junk food and Ricky-approved healthy meals and that six pack you requested. Oh, yeah, and we found Vecna. Bad news is that he's in that other, darker, much scarier dimension that we told you about, and the gate is closed, so we have no way of getting him. He's entirely shut off to us, so basically you're screwed. And, no, no. I know that you're already screwed, but now you're like doubly, triply screwed."!"

"Maybe we don't put it like that," Lucas tells her.

"We're one step closer to finding Vecna," Nancy says, "That's what we say. That's what's important."

"See, Robin?" Steve starts, "Positive can make a difference."

Robin rolls her eyes and nods sarcastically, "Uh-huh."

"We're not completely shut out," Rue says, and there are so many truths that are about to spill from her tongue, and she stops herself before they do. "When we were at Creel's house, I felt him there. Maybe I can reach out to him."

Rue knows she can because he's been reaching out to her the entire time. He's always there, always watching, always waiting. She knows what he wants, and it's vengeance he wants, control, the end of all worlds, and he wants to meet her. It puts her on edge, and she tries to shove it into the back of her head, but she can't because a part of her wants to meet him too.

"Rue's right. There's still a chance," Nancy nods, "But we still need to talk to Eddie first. That's first. Then we can move onto making a plan. We can't act on limbs or guesses anymore."

Rue has been trying to ignore a burning feeling in the back of her brain for the most part, but she's lost her cool by the time three songs have passed, and the sensation hasn't gone away.

Rue turned in her seat, "What? What is it?" She asks the four boys in the back seats because she knows they were glaring holes at the back of her head for almost the entirety of the drive.

Steve mutters about Richard being a constant pain in his ass, missing the point of her question. Ricky replies with a snarky remark, and while Dustin laughed, Lucas didn't.

"You okay?" Rue asked him.

There's a beat before he nods, "Yeah... just thinking."

Rue understands he's hurting and wants to keep conversations curt and short. She attempts to smile for him, comfort him, reach out to him and help him get rid of his pain and replace it with something better. But she doesn't. And it's killing her, seeing him frown to himself in his seat and fiddle with a stray thread of his jacket.

When Nancy curses, Rue slowly turns in her seat. They'd arrived at Lover's Lake, and for the previous five minutes, the lake houses had been blurred along the long dirt road, but as they near Reefer Rick's house, there's a gathering of cars, a crowd of people, news reporters, and cops all gathered before a line of bright yellow caution tape.

"Oh shit."

Everyone hurried out of the car, squinting at the sun blazing down on them while the loud chatter of everyone else filled their ears. Nancy leads the group behind the news reporter's van to keep them out of sight of everyone else.

They trip over their feet as they cram between the vehicle and the trees, and they notice Chief Powell and Officer Callahan standing right in front of the caution line, with reporters holding microphones up to them as the Chief talks.

"As many of you may know by now, the Roane County line received a call... a little after midnight... reporting a homicide out here on the lake. Officer Callahan and I arrived first on the scene. We made our way to the shore of Lover's Lake about ten yards from that house you see behind me." Chief Powell pulls out a small notepad from his pocket, "I was there when we found the victim, an 18-year-old senior from Hawkins High, Patrick McKinney. His limbs... his body, it was disfigured.

"There was an eyewitness at the scene, and he is being taken in for further questions. And as you've known from the radio this morning, there have been five more personnelles missing and we fear that if they are found, they might be in the same condition as the teenagers we have found. We've also identified a person of interest. Eddie Munson. We encourage anyone with information to please come forward."

"Oh, man," Steve mutters, "This is not good. This is really not good."

"Yes, thank you, Captain Obvious."

"You've got a lot of questions, and I'm going to answer as many as I can," Chief Powell continues, "Two o'clock at town hall, where anyone from the Hawkins community is welcome. But right now, I've got work to do, and I appreciate your understanding."

As Rue watches the man walk away from the camera, a faint ringing begins to take over her hearing. As they try to shout questions at the chief, everyone's conversation becomes louder and more overlapping, but Rue can't hear any of it.