They told me Mercer would be okay thanks to some kind of magic. I know it’s a lie, I saw his intestines through a fist sized peephole in his stomach. There is absolutely no way he could have survived that. Besides, we left him behind. I know they’re just trying to calm my nerves, but it won’t work. I know what I saw, I remember everything from those moments. The smell, the feel, the sounds, everything is tattooed on my brain for all of eternity.

The Wererats brought me back to their hideout to recover. I just want to leave this place and go home. Nobody is willing to let me out; I can’t blame them, my hands haven’t stopped shaking since that night. Elias calls to check in on me every now and then but he has no clue of what really happened to me. I can’t even remember what lie I told him. Pretty sure he thinks I’m just staying with Destiny and that couldn’t be further from the truth. She looked at me a few times, but every time she did it was nothing but pity in her eyes. Not empathy, or sorrow, it just looked like she was disgusted, but took pity on me. I’m worthless to her. Maybe because we still didn’t get that damned cup she’s chasing after. I watched a man die, and I killed a vampire, but all she can think about is revenge. I didn’t help her get revenge, therefore I am nothing.

I watched Mercer die, looked his corpse right in the eyes as the life vanished. I didn’t see any fear, or anger. I didn’t even see his face at peace. I saw shock, as if he was sure it couldn’t happen to him. But it did, and I didn’t do anything to try stopping it. I’m just as bad as the murderer. I’ve never felt anyone else’s blood before and I still feel like I’m covered in it. I’ve had showers and baths but I can’t get it off me. I still feel the warm splatter of Mercer’s blood across my face. I still smell the stench of that cold vampire blood soaking through the flesh of my fingers and into my bones. I can’t shake it. The blood is part of me now. People keep coming by to tell me the first kill is the hardest.

I once told Destiny that I wanted us to spend forever together. In response she told me that humans don’t live forever, so I should adjust my expectations. She was right, even if it took all of this happening for me to realize it. I was nothing to her but a play thing. I got played, and I guess I deserved that for putting so much faith into us. I really thought we might be together forever, but I guess I was just fun to play with until her real goals were in front of her.

“We need to strike back, a few well-placed light grenades could take out a lot of them,” one of the Wererats drunkenly slurs to another at the bar.

“I say we just rip the fucking house apart in the middle of the day. Watch them burn and scurry,” the second responds.

“I want to kill them myself,” a third joins in.

Again, I try to make my way out of their little clubhouse of doom and gloom. There’s nothing in here for me anymore, I guess there never was. Nobody is around to stop me this time, they’re all having a vigil for Mercer, I wasn’t invited. I’ve heard the whispers. The people who don’t lie to me about him being alive blame me for his death. There really isn’t any in-between on the subject, at least nobody wants revenge on me. I suppose killing the vampire was enough to spare me that, but not enough that everyone wants to keep me around.

I make it to the parking lot and Destiny is there smoking a cigarette. I don’t know how to feel when I see her. Rage washes over me, but so does sadness. I’m not sure if I’m feeling betrayal, resentfulness, maybe even revulsion.

“What’s going on killer,” Destiny laughs as she spots me.

I usually like her good-natured teasing, but this isn’t that; this is just hurtful. It’s strange how I used to love that about her, now I hate it. Has she always been so mean spirited? Is this what it feels like when you don’t love someone anymore? I want to respond with some witty comment of my own, fight back, but I can’t find it in me. I just keep walking to my car. Her laughter cuts deep as I realize I don’t even have my keys. They’re back inside, with my backpack. It’s like my head is spinning lately, I just can’t get it together.

“Wish I knew you were an asshole when I met you,” I mumble as I walk past her.

In an instant she’s in front of me, “who the fuck do you think you are?”

“Go away,” I try to step around her.

“You kill one vampire, and suddenly you think you’re hot shit,” she asks.

“You’re heartless. Did you know that,” has she always just been a bully?

“Vampire, comes with the territory.”

“I don’t get why you act like I did something to hurt you.”

“Maybe you did,” she walks away.

What the fuck is she talking about? I don’t want to be a mass murderer to get revenge on some vampires I don’t even know? That hurt her? This is stupid. I don’t get it, I don’t know how Elias does this all the time. I just need to get my keys and my bag, then I’m done with this world forever. I’ll go back to making websites for local businesses and weirdos who just have to tell the world how they feel.