Have you ever heard of Fortuna's wheel?

Fortuna, the Roman goddess of luck and fate. Everyone's fate was said to be on her wheel, which she would spin randomly. As a consequence of this, one would find oneself happy and on the top of the wheel one day, and sad and at the bottom on the next one.

Since I'd spent around four months at the bottom of the wheel, I was ready to be at the top once again, hopefully for quite some time.

My birthday had been great, and the day after had started off with great breakfast and praise from Professor Slughorn, and had ended with an O on an essay in Defense Against the Dark Arts.

But on the next day, my time at the top of Fortuna's wheel was already over.

I didn't know what the problem was, but I sucked at the Quidditch training that evening, and every time Aleya directed a confused and slightly disappointed look at me, I just wanted to disappear.

When we were in the locker room, none of the other team members waited for me. Aleya usually did, but this time she wanted to talk to our newest team members (a third and a fifth year, new Seeker and Chaser on the team), so she left with them.

When Celine and Michael were the last ones to leave before me, I decided that there was no need for me to stress, so I sat there, brooding about my most recent disappointment. I didn't want to lose my position on the team, so I had to stay focused.

As soon as I found the motivation to walk up to the castle, I dropped even lower on dear Fortuna's wheel.

Honestly, what was her problem with me?

Just as I was passing by the Black Lake, the thing I'd dreaded the most finally happened.

Although I knew that it was a regular occurrence, it still felt as if the almost constantly present knife in my chest had been twisted.

Without knowing what I was doing, I stopped walking. My legs weren't working anymore, my brain was too focused on the scene in front of me.

I just couldn't look away.

Marlene and Sirius, often referred to as 'Hogwarts' match made in heaven' were sitting under a tree.

Sirius was leaning against the trunk of the tree, and Marlene was sitting on his lap, her hands tangled in Sirius' black curls. He was holding her close by the waist, and they were kissing.

Very passionately.

My throat clogged up, and when I heard Marlene's laughter, my eyes began to burn.

Sirius had pulled away and was tickling her, laughing.

My heart sank. They looked so happy.

And I felt terrible for feeling this way, but some part deep down in me asked why that happy girl in Sirius' arms couldn't be me. Why her?

But I mentally slapped myself. I'd been over this before. Marlene was everything. She wasn't only insanely pretty, but incredibly kind and funny and talented, too.

She was adored by everyone, and even though I didn't really have a lot to do with her, I still knew that she wouldn't take shit from anyone and didn't shy away from speaking her mind and correcting others when they were wrong, which was a character trait I really admired.

With other words, Marlene was perfect for Sirius.

When Sirius silenced Marlene's laughter with another kiss, I finally managed to tear my eyes off them.

I started running, but I didn't know where I was heading to. I didn't want to go to the common room like this.

Almost automatically, I found myself standing in front of that one wall on the seventh floor again. I didn't know why or how, but I felt drawn to this place; I had felt safe there once before.

I stared at the blank wall, wondering why the door wouldn't appear like last time, before I remembered that I'd paced back and forth in front of it when I'd been here the last time.

So I did that, and sure enough, the door reappeared. This time, there was a little fire in the fireplace, and the crackling flames managed to comfort me, oddly enough.

With the tears still silently running down my face, I sat down on the little blue sofa and hugged my knees close to my chest, as if they could protect my heart from hurting. Needless to say, it didn't help.

I just sat there and cried and cried, hoping that the pain would subside. It had to.

But all that happened was that my mind drifted off.

Why did this happen to me, of all people? In every story I'd read, the girl got the boyfriend or girlfriend in the end, just because they were meant to be.

I had thought the same about Sirius. I had believed that I was meant to be with him, but I suppose that I had been wrong. He was so happy with Marlene, who was I to take that from him? I just had to deal with the fact that I wasn't the seed that planted his smiles.

And God, did that hurt.

It was ironic, really, how I'd had such a rosy view of the world when I'd started to develop these strong feelings for Sirius. Everything had seemed so bright, and shining and beautiful.

Now that rose that had sweetened my vision had withered and shown its thorns that constantly made my eyes burn and threatened me to spill tears.

And what else did one do when one mourned things that one wanted, but didn't have?

That's right. One pondered over the whys and what ifs.

What if Marlene hadn't been there, or if she just hadn't been sorted into Gryffindor? Would Sirius still have caught feelings for her? Or would he have started to like me?

A bitter taste appeared on my tongue. If I'd been sorted into Gryffindor, Sirius would've befriended me sooner. Maybe he would've caught feelings for me, then.

Or generally, what if he'd met me first?

Would he have loved me then?

Or was it me? I'd never been popular, so maybe all of this was really my fault... Was I just too unlikeable? Unlovable? Ugly? Was it because I wasn't super skinny? My hair was super flat, without any volume; I'd always hated it- why would Sirius like it, then? My face was too chubby for my liking. My eyes were horribly boring. If I didn't like myself, how could I've made myself believe that others could actually love me?

How foolish had I been?

I was just so tired of myself. I didn't want to be me. Others had such great lives... Why couldn't I be one of them? Why couldn't I be Marlene?

I was horribly jealous of her, and I felt so pathetic because of that.

But at this point, I was just really hurt, and desperate and heartbroken.

Why not me?

All of this crying felt as if I was letting the sadness pour out of me, even though I didn't have enough tears in me to make all of the pain go away.

Maybe I was overreacting.

Maybe I was being dramatic, or over-sensitive.

I hated myself for being so sad because of such small things... But they didn't feel small to me. I couldn't help it.

Sirius was the first person that had ever not made me feel like a last resort. He hadn't chosen me last.

But still, he had chosen someone else over me.

And as much as I wanted to, I couldn't blame him. If he didn't like me that way, it wasn't his fault, and he deserved to be happy with whomever he wanted to.

I had to get my act together and deal with the fact that this person wouldn't be me.

I had to stop being petty and jealous. Others deserved to be happy, too.

Once I felt as if I couldn't cry any longer, I finally exited the safe environment of the strange room and headed off to the staircase that lead to the entrance of the Ravenclaw common room.

Fortunately, I didn't meet anyone on my way, as it was very close to curfew, so I took the opportunity to fix my probably messy hair and swollen eyes, before I took the Eagle Knocker and let it fall against the wooden door.

"I can't be bought, but I can be stolen with a glance. I'm worthless to one, but priceless to two. What am I?"

I frowned and my throat clogged up even more.

This Eagle Knocker had to be making fun of me.

I took a deep breath before croaking out my answer in a hoarse voice. It cracked. "Love?"

Wordless for once, the door swung open.

I didn't hesitate to rush through it and hurry to my dormitory.

I just smiled at my dorm mates and bid them a good night, before pulling the midnight blue curtains of my four-poster bed shut and hiding myself under my blanket.

I looked at the wand next to my pillow and quietly took it before pointing the tip at myself.

"Silencio," I whispered as quietly as I could. That way, noone would hear me cry.

Your Reminder:

You are wonderful and valid and right just the way you are!!!

There is no need for you to compare yourself with others!

Do you think Freya is overreacting or being dramatic?

Thanks for all your support! 💙💙💙

Bye! (Good night lol)

Stay happy!

Xoxo, your Fangirl