"Hey, honey," my mom greeted me, her expression quickly changing from happiness to concern. "Are you okay? You look like you've been crying."

I kept my gaze down but allowed myself a darting glance upward, stealing a look at Daichi. The pain in my chest called out for him to make it better and after everything (y/n) and I said I didn't think I cared anymore. His eyes were locked on me and it felt like we were alone in the world, as if my mom, my dad, Asahi, (y/n), and everyone else had ceased to exist. In the moment, I didn't care.

"I had kind of a rough night," I answered, mustering up a small smile for my mom. "Let's go upstairs, Daichi." He simply nodded and followed me up, barely a step behind me. Once we were in my room he gently closed the door, closing the gap between us in one step and pulling me into him.

I clung onto him tightly, as if I would die if I let go. I couldn't stop the gaping sobs as I cried, the sound hardly muffled in his shoulder. I fell to my knees and he fell with me, keeping me close as he rested one of his hands on the back of my neck. I was a bawling mess and his strong arms seemed like the only solace, the only thing keeping me from drowning in my own tears.

"Suga," he finally spoke, his voice warm and soft in the crook of my neck. "What happened?"

I broke down into even more sobs before I managed to speak, my body shaking.

"It's over," I choked out. "I hurt so many people to just end up with fucking nothing."

"That's not true," he quietly answered, pulling away a bit to look me in the eyes. He looked taken aback, and I knew all he saw on my face was a hollow shell of his best friend. His gaze softened as he raised his hand to my cheek, his calloused fingers gentle as they wiped away my tears.

"You have me."

I started crying again, falling in a heap in his arms, clinging so tight to his shirt that I wondered if I'd rip it. I didn't deserve his love; I didn't deserve anything at all, not even 'you never know'. But right now I was irreparably broken and Daichi was here, willing to try and fix me while (y/n) had let me go. I made the inevitable move and pushed my lips against his, his mouth passionate and forgiving on my bleeding heart. We escalated quickly and before long he was undressing me, making a map leading down my body with his kisses.

"My parents are here," I whispered, my voice lower and deeper than usual. His eyes darted around the room and I stared; he was beautiful from where he hovered above me. His body was dark and muscular, toned where I was scrawny still, his figure strong and steady where I was constantly wavering.

"Just turn on the radio and lock the door. I already told your mom we'd be studying for exams." He shifted off of me and I hurried to the stereo, pressing play without even looking at what CD was in there. He locked the door and met me in the center of my bedroom, pulling me to my bed. He gently laid me down and we picked up where we left off, my body his.

I held my breath to keep from letting out any noises while he pleasured me, his movements loving and careful. I wanted more though, and eventually I pushed him off, desperate for him to know what I wanted without saying a word. Unfortunately he didn't.

"What's wrong?" He asked, his voice low. He was only in underwear at this point, the fabric clearly tented. I didn't know how to tell him "I want you to bend me over right now," without sounding like a pervert, but my eyes glued to his crotch accomplished that anyways.

"I... I want more," I mumbled, my emotions on high.

"Oh." He simply said. We avoided each other's eyes, the silence almost overwhelming. I made the first move and reached to my nightstand, fumbling around for the pack of condoms in the back of the drawer, hidden under endless papers and knick knacks. Finally I reappeared with a foil wrapper, hesitantly handing it to Daichi.

"Are you sure?" He asked, looking at the condom with indecision.

"Yeah," I breathed, finally looking in his eyes. He nodded and slowly leaned down to place a kiss on my mouth, breathing each other in as he grinded his hips into mine, the movement drawing a groan from my lips. I was aching for him and he knew it, continuing to tease me until he finally got serious, his expression genuine as he pulled me closer and closer...

-

A couple hours passed and it was about lunch time when we dragged ourselves up from my bed. It felt like autumn in contrast to the night before; the wind rattled my window every now and then and I couldn't wear shorts comfortably today. Daichi stared at me as I sat up, his eyes soft as they trailed up and down my figure. I couldn't help but blush and turn away, embarrassment heating up my entire face. He chuckled as he sat up, pulling me back down towards him and nuzzling into the crook of my neck.

"I don't expect you to say it back, but I love you." His voice was low and deep like the roll of thunder in July, almost a sort of comfort. Despite the comfort, though, the pang in my chest was more like a bullet and I simply stood up and got dressed, too scared to make eye contact with him. He pulled on his clothes and a memory struck me suddenly; (y/n) giggling as she plucked through my drawers to find a shirt to wear after we'd have sex, even though her clothes were perfectly fine. She'd smile as she hopped back into bed with me and as I watched Daichi pull on his sweatpants that were definitely too big for me I felt a sudden wetness on my cheeks.

"Oh my god, what's wrong?" He rushed over to me, shirtless still, his hands on my shoulders. I couldn't meet his worried eyes as he began to shake me a bit, my head stuck in the memory of (y/n). Sobs didn't get stuck in my throat and I didn't fall to my knees; tears gently fell from my eyes, cool against my still flushed cheeks as I stood silently.

"Suga, please say something," he pleaded, snapping me out of my trance.

"Sorry, sorry," I said, wiping the tears away with the back of my hands. I shook my head vigorously, taking a deep breath before I met his eyes and smiled at him. "Sorry. I just... I guess I just sort of got lost there."

He cupped my cheeks in his hands, only inches between us. His eyes looked desperate to communicate with me but behind my gaze every scene of (y/n) I'd saved played and anything he was wordlessly trying to say got lost. He kissed me on the lips before stepping back to pull his shirt on, giving me one last assuring gaze before opening my door and heading downstairs.

I was on autopilot for the rest of the day, even when I walked Daichi home and he stole a kiss goodbye before his dad opened the front door.

Days passed and so did weeks, any throws of summer left in winter's dust. 'You never know' stayed such, and even though I found myself walking past (y/n)'s apartment more often than not, I never knocked on the door. I never allowed myself too long of a glance in the window, even when stranger's cars boiled my blood to the point I thought I'd broken my hand when I punched the brick retaining wall once. Everyone asked about the bandages but I just laughed and said they should see the other guy; not even Daichi got an honest answer, although I didn't invest much honesty in my relationship with him at this point. He'd stay the night and we'd have sex and I'd pretend to gaze into his eyes while he tried not to choke out my name but in reality I was mostly just spacing out, usually thinking of (y/n).

He didn't fix me. He didn't mend the wound in my chest. In fact it was more of a giant, gaping black hole at this point that grew emptier each passing day. My heart didn't flutter when he sneakily brushed past me at school or pin me against the wall in the locker room; I pretended it did but as the new year approached I realized I wouldn't be winning any awards for my acting.

It was the last day of school before winter break, and as we left our final class Daichi and I walked home alone. Nobody talked to us outside practice much anymore, not even in passing in the halls. Asahi actively avoided and ignored us save for actual games, and he made sure to talk loudly if (y/n) ever came up in conversation.

I'm sure to Daichi it felt like us against the world which might have been a comfort, but I was not in love with him and he was only in love with the memory of me that smiled genuinely and cared for others. I was different now- not just different but my life had been irreversibly changed after I met (y/n). I only smiled for the sake of the social formality of it, not even putting in the effort for my parents or Daichi. I was numb inside, cold as the weather outside.

We reached my front door and we stood there silently, my eyes carefully trained to the ground, his to me.

"I'm gonna be gone until the tenth," he said. I knew he would be gone until the tenth since he'd reminded me everyday for the past two weeks, a desperate effort to get me to show some sort of emotion towards him.

"Okay," I mumbled, turning to grab the doorknob. "Take lots of pictures so I can see what it's like there." He was going to Canada. I didn't really care what it was like there. He groaned, running both hands down his face.

"Fuck, Suga!" he shouted, clearly at his limit. "Is there even anyone in there anymore? Who are you?"

"I don't know." I mumbled, my eyes still glued to the ground where snow now gently stuck to.

"Of fucking course, you don't know! That's the only thing anyone can get out of you anymore!" He yelled, his eyes burning holes in me. "Listen, Suga! She was just a fucking girl, okay? She was just a girl you dated and broke up with, and it's time to get over it now. You're fucking pathetic."

I opened the door and took a step inside, only to be whipped back around and pinned against the cold surface of my mailbox.

"You can't just walk away anymore, Suga!" He screamed in my face, his breath forming clouds. "You can't just walk away and act like you're the only one hurting! I'm the only person you have left and you don't even care if I walk away for good, do you?"

I kept my eyes away from his, refusing to speak. He was completely right but at this point I was ready to give up on everything including myself, indifferent if I went to university or not, indifferent if my parents were pissed, indifferent if I played volleyball, indifferent if I was completely alone.

"Fucking say something!" He screamed, his voice cracking. The words were familiar and despite being told them many times I didn't answer. Daichi pulled me in by my collar, shoving me to the ground on my back.

"That's it!" He roared. "This is it! You're alone now, are you happy? This is what you wanted all along and now you can fucking have it!"

He was crying as he stared down at me, his entire body shivering. I remained silent.

"Fuck you, Suga!" His voice broke. "Fuck you! You used to be one of the best people I knew- no, you really were the best. And now you're the worst! You're the kind of guy everyone stays away from and you don't even care! You don't even care a-and-"

He choked on his sobs, taking a step away. I sat up and looked at him, unable to find any words. A beat of silence passed, the sound of a car pulling into the driveway breaking it.

"Oh my fucking god!" Daichi yelled. He noticed I'd sat up and proceeded to kick me square in the chest, knocking the wind out of me. I fell back and saw a familiar figure step out of the car, the world spinning around me.

"What the hell?" She screamed, coming closer. I desperately gasped for breath again as voices above me grew louder and louder. I'd never had the breath knocked out of me before and Daichi's kick was like a truck; I began to panic and before long the voices faded out and the sky turned black, a comfortable numbness settling as snowflakes gently rained down on me.

A/N: sorry for the super long wait ! i hope this chapter was enough to forgive me