The kiss started out delicate, his lips softly pressed up against mine and our hands still connected in between us but then the tempo changed. He released my hand and cupped the sides of my face. His hand slowly glided down to the nape of my neck, angling my face upwards and deepening the kiss. His tongue danced across my lips and invaded my mouth, the temperature of my body climbed the scale.

My hands found the thick cotton material of his turtleneck and I gripped unto it as the swirl sensations drove me over the edge. My hand swept up to his neck and held unto him like an anchor. I shouldn't be doing this. I drew in a heavy breath that only pulled his cologne deep into my lungs and almost sent that thought floating away. No, this would change the dynamic of things. Is that what you want?

Fear diffused from my mind and spread through my chest. I placed a firm hand on his chest and pushed back as I tore away from his mouth. His eyes fluttered open, covered in worry as he searched my face.

I placed my finger over my lips as I panted for air. "I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't – we shouldn't have"

"What?" His eyes narrowed at me and his brow shot up a micrometre as he caught his breath.

I lowered my eyes to my bag, on the floor of my seat. I should go. I lifted my eyes back to his curious gaze. "I'm sorry," I reached out to grab my bag and hightail out of the car in one swift move but Nicholas grabbed onto my forearm.

"Why are you sorry? I don't understand" he shook his head, his expression wounded and confused.

I moistened my lips and it felt like he was still on them. I swallowed hard as I averted my eyes away from his gaze. "I can't... I just, I can't"

"Why can't you?" he placed a finger underneath my chin and brought my gaze back to his soft grey orbs. "I have deep feelings for you and I'm sure you know it. And I know you have some feelings for me if that kiss was any indication . . . I just don't get why you keep fighting it. Why are you fighting back your feelings?"

I opened my mouth to respond but couldn't get words out. Did I really have feelings for him? And if that was true, why was I fighting against it? I clamped my lips shut and retried but still no reasonable explanation came forth. All I could say was, "I... I need to go, please"

I needed to gather my thoughts because at the moment they were floating about in my head. I needed to be in a clear space, a space void of his presence. I grabbed my bag and moved to push the door open but yet again, he held unto my upper arm.

"Hold on," He ran a hand across his face and released a deep sigh. "You probably have some reservations about me –" he moved a finger in the space between us. "–about us. But when you go up there to think, just know that I would never do anything with the purpose of hurting you. I may not be perfect but I truly, truly care for you"

I wasn't sure if he was saying this to make his case, or for some other reason entirely but I nodded and whispered. "Okay,"

Then he finally released his hold on my arm and I walked out of the car with as much as a backward glance.

For the entirety of the day, I spent it internally moping around the place. I had to put on a cool façade in front of my mother and Whitney. But on the inside, I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss and thoughts about the kiss, without fail led me back to questions I couldn't answer clearly. It was a draining yet repetitive cycle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stood in front of my parent's bedroom, my hand raised to knock but yet I couldn't bring myself to do it. I know I shouldn't even be considering this. I already knew the outcome, I knew the answer I would receive and yet, I was still willing to try.

I dropped my hand to my side. What was the point? I made to turn away but I couldn't bring myself to walk. No, I should at least ask first. What's the worst that could happen? He'll only repeat words that I've heard time and time again. I lifted my hand again. I was going to knock. I was going to do it. I brought my knuckles close to the door but it was like a magnetic pull, that kept me from making the action.

I released a defeated sigh and let my hand fall back to my side. I can't do it. As I turned to go, the door was pulled open. My father stood in front of me, clad in a white singlet vest and long khaki trousers.

"What is it?" he scowled down at me.

God, he's not in a good mood. I shook my head and stepped to the side. "Nothing"

He watched my expression for a second, drew in a breath and relaxed his face. "Did you want something?"

Should I ask? I released a sharp exhale of breath and pushed forward. "Daddy, can I please hang out with my friends this afternoon? They want to meet at Mrs Biggs to celebrate my birthday with me. It would just be for a while"

He side-stepped me and headed to the living room. "Mrs Biggs? How many of them are coming?"

There was hope. My face lit up as I followed behind him. "Just five of them"

He picked up his brown leather shoes from beside the couch and plopped down. He placed his shoes before his feet and picked out a pair of black socks stuffed in them. "When is your exam, again?"

The hope began to dissipate and my face dropped. "Next tomorrow"

He paused in his action and looked at me for a brief second. Then went back to putting on his socks. "You have an exam next tomorrow and you want to go and hang out with your friends?"

"Yes," I looked down at my feet as I pursed my lips. I shouldn't have asked.

He uttered a long 'humph' and began to put on his shoes. "I know it's your birthday but don't you think it's better to study well and let the exam pass? There would always be other birthdays, and even if you must celebrate this one, just wait till after the exam has passed"

My throat tightened and tears brimmed at the lid of my eyes. I didn't lift my eyes to him as I nodded and attempted to walk away.

"Wait, come back" My father stood to his feet, hitting the heels of his feet against the tiled floor to kick his shoes into place. He bent down to get a look at my face and he held unto my shoulder. "Are you crying?"

Two lone tears slid down my face as I looked up at him and nodded. Maybe my tears would move him to let me go.

He placed a hand under my chin and used the other to wipe my face. "Don't cry. I'm just helping you to secure your future. If you go and play and waste the day, you'll regret it later if you don't do well on that exam" he pulled me to his side and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "Okay, see what we'll do, after the exam, we will all go to Mrs Biggs and celebrate your birthday. Is that okay?"

I guess that's better than nothing. I nodded.

He shook my shoulder and patted my head. "Oyah, go and prepare for the exams". With that, he picked up his button-up shirt from the back of one of the dining chairs and slipped it on. I stood and watched as he exited the house, knowing in the back of my mind, that he wouldn't fulfil this promise.

My eyes fluttered open and I glanced around my bedroom for a good second. I turned my head to the side and found my mother asleep beside me. My throat felt dry and I glanced up at the empty jug on my nightstand. I rolled onto my side and pushed myself to a sitting position with great effort. I sighed through my nostrils as I stood to my feet, grabbed my phone as a flashlight and headed out of the room.

The lights in the living room were turned off. I clicked my phone on and squinted at the bright light before glancing at the time. 3:19 am. I dragged my feet to the kitchen. On my way, I remembered the dream I'd just woken up from. It might've been a dream but it actually happened in real life. The question was, why was I suddenly reliving my sixteenth birthday, in my dream? It was the least memorable birthday of my childhood, but why was it important?

I grabbed a bottle of cold water from the refrigerator, uncapped it and chugged it down. At half its original volume, I closed the bottle and took it along with me, back to the bedroom. I placed the bottle on my nightstand and laid down to resume my sleep.

Wait... I reopened my eyes and stared into space. There was one thing that stood out to me from my dream; Fear. If I could remember correctly, the same fear and deliberation that kept me from knocking on my father reminded me of my current predicament with Nicholas.

After a long while of tossing questions over in my mind all day, I came to the hard conclusion that I did harbour some feelings for Nicholas. How it happened and when it started, I couldn't say for sure. But there was no one moment to pinpoint the genesis of these feelings.

All I knew was his scent drew me in like a child to sweets and whenever he was near, my heart palpitations skyrocketed ... And his sculpted face was very nice to look ... Very nice.

I knew that everyday after work, I secretly hoped that he would be leaned by the passenger side of his car with his arms crossed over his chest, and his legs slightly strutted forward, waiting for me.

Despite my feelings, the thought of pursuing some kind of relationship with Nicholas unleashed fear and uncertainty over me. It felt like I was losing sight of what was important – my goals.

Romance was a gratification and gratifications could be great distractions. Gratifications needed to be delayed in order to achieve a greater course. Great people in life had to make sacrifices, right?

It's probably for the best. I released a sigh and shut my eyes. I tried to reel sleep back in but it was lost, I rolled unto my side and groaned.

A romantic relationship runs the risk of heartbreak, and heartbreak is detrimental to absolute mental focus. What if you get heartbroken and start to lose focus at work? And what if nothing bad happens and we get along fine?

What if you misread allergies on a patient's chat because you're so giddy, that you can't think straight? There are a ton of medical practitioners who are in relationships and married, they know how to balance work and family life, why can't I?

Well, you've never been in a relationship, how do you know you can? Are mere feelings worth losing everything you've worked for? I -

I rolled back unto my back. This was ridiculous. It was like I was sixteen again, only this time, instead of my father, it was a battle between my heart and mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey," Nicholas pushed himself off the door of his car. He pulled his hands out of black coat pockets and held unto his flying tie as the wind blew past.

I glanced back at the trauma emergency exit doors and returned my gaze to him. I pulled my large caramel coat close together with my gloved hands and pushed forward. I maintained eye contact with his tie as I reached him. "Hi"

He sensed my discomfort and turned to open the passenger door. "Let's go"

I bit the insides of my lower lip as I raised my eyes to his face. He was trying to keep emotions away from his face but gave me a small tight-lipped smile as we made eye contact. I blew out a puff of air as I moved my eyes to the open car. This wasn't going to be easy but it needs to be done. I got into the car. Nick helped push in a part of my coat that fell over the doorway ledge.

He crossed the distance and settled into the car. An uncomfortable silence unreeled within the car as he began the ride to my place. I managed to glance his way and his eyes were set on the road and his posture, rod-like stiff. His face may not have held any emotions but his tight grip on the steering wheel gave him out.

Was this how it was going to be now? Was it going to be awkward silences between us? I adjusted in my seat and turned my head to the window. Why couldn't I just enjoy things like everyone else, without a mind-boggling fear creeping in? I fisted my hands on my thighs.

Nicholas cleared his throat. "If you're not comfortable with things changing between us, it's fine. We don't have to be on edge around each other," he took his eyes off the road for a quick second and settled them on me. "We could just focus solely on the baby" he returned his eyes to the road.

I swallowed. Maybe I didn't want to just focus on the baby. Maybe I wanted to step out of my shell and explore something new, for once.

He took one hand off the steering wheel and extended it to me. "Let's stay . . . friends?"

I side-eyed his open palm. I was a twenty-five-year-old, about to be a mother. I was still a resident, nothing had changed. My loans were no longer a problem. Basically, nothing has gone according to plan since I met him and it wasn't such a terrible thing. What was the worst that could happen?

In spite of my fast-thumping heart and sweaty underarm, I inhaled a shaky breath and placed my hand over his. I moved the corner of my lips upward. "Friends... girlfriend... partners... whatever floats your boat"

He glanced at me and then back at the road. "What are you saying?"

I exhaled through my lips and managed a small smile. "I'm saying, let's give it a try"

A cheeky smile tore across his face as he intertwined our fingers and nodded. "Okay"

"Okay," I chuckled and raised our hands in the air. I hope I've made the right decision.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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A/N: Hi my lovelies, I need your kind and honest opinions on this chapter. You guys are basically my beta readers and I tried to drop a significant backstory in this chapter. I'm not sure I did it right, so please let me know your deductions after this chapter.

Also, thank you so much for your kind comments.