Beep... Beep... Beep...

The strong smell of Antiseptic and antibiotics filled my senses. With great effort, I peeled my eyes open, my left hand had an IV line in it. I looked around and found Whitney slouched on the sofa nearby. Groaning, I moved to sit up and Whitney stirred awake.

"Oh my God, you're awake. You nearly gave me a heart attack. When I got the call that you had passed out during surgery and I had to come in quickly. I thought it was some kind of prank call" she exclaimed, worry masking her face.

I had Whitney as my emergency contact, so it was no surprise that the hospital called her in.

"Water" I groaned out.

"Shit, sorry," she said and she rushed to get me a cup of water.

I muttered a short raspy 'thanks' before gulping the water at once. My throat was dry. She got me another cup without being asked, and I downed that one too.

"Thanks," I wiped my lips with the back of my palm. "So, did they tell you what's wrong with me?"

"Nope, they said they wanted to let you know first" she replied and my eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

Right on cue, Ashley and Dr Meera Puri, our head of Gynecology and obstetrics physician walked in. My furrowed brows deepened.

"Amanda, how are you feeling?" Dr Meera asked as she came to stand beside my bed.

"I'm better" I moistened my lips and adjusted the hem of my hospital gown. "What's going on, I'm confused?"

"When you passed out, we conducted a blood test, to find out what was going on. The test came back with your hCG levels high" she explained.

"Amanda, you're 12 weeks pregnant." She paused for a second as she gauged my expression. "You're at the end of your first trimester, a critical stage of your pregnancy"

"Your blood sugar levels were low and you didn't have enough fluids in your system, that's what caused you to pass out. So, you need to keep your fluids up and eat something from time to time" she concluded.

The word PREGNANT rang repetitively in my ears. At that moment, I could feel my heart thumping loud in my ears and on the verge of escaping my chest cavity. It became so difficult to breathe and I could feel my throat closing in on me.

The monitors started beeping loudly. I watched them rush towards me, trying to calm me down but my ears were still ringing. I couldn't hear a word as black dots appeared in my vision so I shut my eyes tight.

An oxygen mask was placed on my face and I felt oxygen fill my lungs as I took deep breaths. Gradually, everything returned back to normal. I opened my eyes to find a pair of three concerned eyes watching me with close attention.

I felt a tear run down my cheek then another and another until I had no control of my waterworks. I heard Whitney tell them to give us a minute, they nodded and left the room. She drew circles over my arm, not uttering a single word.

I guess I didn't need the blood work after all.

Pregnancy lingered at the back of my mind when I submitted my blood for the test but I hoped with desperation that it wasn't the case. The crying had turned to hiccups, then minutes later, nothing. I stared into space thinking of how my life was about to go downhill.

Whitney climbed into the bed next to me and held me close as she stroked my arm. Minutes later, sleep consumed me.

~~~~~~~~~~~

When I opened my eyes, it was bright and early the next morning. Whitney was napping on the sofa.

I glanced around the room and spotted my small travel bag. I tried my best not to wake Whitney as I got down from the bed and walked over to the bag. It contained my toothbrush, underwear, and some other clothing. I walked towards the bathroom to freshen up. While I carried out my business, I tried not to think about my predicament.

As I got out of the bathroom, dressed in my hoodie and sweatpants, I found Whitney tapping on her phone. She looked up at me and dropped the phone beside her.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" she asked

"Numb. I feel numb," I said as I walked back to the bed and sat down.

"So, what are your plans?"

"I don't have one. Thinking is the one thing I'm trying so hard not to do right now. I'm afraid if think about it, it'll become real".

She gave me a pitiful look. "But you know it's real, right? And it won't magically disappear because you want it so bad".

I let out a deep sigh "I know".

Right on schedule, Dr Meera and Ashley walked in. "Good morning, how are you feeling?" She asked.

"Better than yesterday I guess"

I felt embarrassed and awkward in their presence. I mean, after they saw my terrible breakdown, I couldn't find the courage to look them in their eyes.

"So I've written down, the prenatal vitamins you need to get. To boost your baby's immune system," she said and handed me a piece of paper. "Any questions?"

"How is this even possible? I took two pregnancy tests and they came out negative. I even got my period a week after that" I stressed out.

"Well you might have taken the tests too early and that's why you got them back negative. As for the period, you thought you got, that was what we call spotting. When the fetus attaches itself to the uterus"

I knew all this information but I just found it hard to believe. Like, why me? I didn't want this.

"I'm going to run some more tests before I clear you to go, just to be safe," she said then excused herself.

Ashley walked over to me and gave me a hug. "Take care of yourself. If you ever need anything, just know you can come to me".

"Thank you" she exited the room.

"So what are you going to do?" Whitney spoke up after minutes of watching the whole scene unfold in silence.

"I don't know..." I shrugged and sank my shoulders in exhaustion.

~~~~~~~~~

After I was cleared to go home, we headed to a diner nearby our apartment, so I could get some solid food, other than IVs. We placed our orders and sat at a nearby table.

We sat and both allowed our thoughts to consume us until the waitress arrived with our food. I didn't realize how hungry I was until I started eating. We both ate in silence. I placed my spoon down after filling up on the food and looked up to find Whitney staring at me.

"I love you and all, but you're looking at me like I just grew another head," I said, in an attempt to break the ice.

"Sorry. I just can't believe you're having a baby. I mean I had my suspicions but, wow." She folded her arm on top of the table and looked off into space. "An actual, living, crying, pooping around the place baby"

"Yeah, me neither" I sighed then squared up my shoulders. "But, I've made a mistake and now I have to live with the consequences"

"I'm thinking of giving it up for adoption," I said after a short pause.

"I know it's your decision and all, but don't you want to keep your baby? At the end of the day, the baby is still your child, whether he or she is living with you or another couple"

"I can't afford a baby and you know that. We're drowning in debt and we have so many expenses that eat up our salaries like rent, food, and clothing. Not to mention our student loans. I can't add a baby to it. That would mean, baby food, clothes, a crib, and the list goes on"

She released a deep sigh "I understand, I just don't want you to regret your decision in the future".

I could understand where she was coming from. We both have encountered young women who sign their babies up for adoption and later, they come to regret it. Living life knowing that my child was out there away from me. Calling another woman 'mummy' was painful to imagine.

But not as painful as the number of bills that would submerge me, if I kept the child. I had to be real with myself, we couldn't afford it right now. I couldn't add another job to my current one as it was already time-consuming. I wouldn't be able to cope. My life was taking a depressing turn.

Whitney seemed to have noticed how sour my mood had gone and attempted to cheer me up. Or at least, take my mind off it for the moment.

"Enough of all these negative thoughts. We'll take it one step at a time," she placed a hand on mine and patted.

"Come on, let's go home" she rose to her feet, fished into her bag and drop some money on the table.

She threw an arm over my shoulder and pulled me into her side as we trudged towards our apartment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that night...

I tossed and turned in my bed but sleep evaded me. Frustration ate at me. I'd tried my best to stop my thoughts from consuming my mind but I couldn't. There was a baby growing inside of me. A fetus, to be accurate.

I gave up on sleep and sat up on the bed and stared into my darkroom. I readjusted my satin bonnet that had slipped down my head, during my restless turns. My fingers itched to feel around my stomach. To feel this development going on inside my body but I stopped myself.

What am I going to do?

For the first time since I received the news of my pregnancy, I allowed myself to have deep thoughts.

Do I keep this baby? Can I really give the baby up for adoption? What about my family? Do I ever tell them about it? What are my options? What if... I just had an abortion instead?

I shook my head at the thought, lifted my knees and buried my head between them. An abortion was out of the question. One, my religious belief wouldn't allow it. It was already wavering as it is. Two, I wasn't brave enough to go through with it. I may be determined but not to that extent.

The next best thing was adoption. At this moment, I had no emotional connection with this baby. Would that remain the case after months pass? I didn't have an aversion to children or babies. In fact, it was the exact opposite. I feared I might want to keep this baby for myself in the long run.

Not only could I not financially cope with a baby, but my dreams also couldn't harbour it. From the moment, I could think logically, I'd always wanted to be a doctor. Growing up in a society that had poor medical care, my wish to improve and change that, grew alongside.

I worked hard to get into medical school and even harder, to get into a residency program at the hospital. My dream to establish a hospital back in Nigeria began to take form in my mind and one day, all my hard work would pay off. Being a parent—a single parent would send everything into an abyss.

Children were a blessing but I've seen how they become a top priority. And how one's dreams get pushed to the bottom of the barrel. I've seen it happen to someone I knew.

The baby's loud screams filled the living room of my close friend and dorm roommate. She paced back and forth in the room, bouncing the baby and patting her bottom. Despite the soft soothing words she muttered to her baby's ears, she looked terrible. Her natural hair dishevelled, her eyes dark and sunken, her lips dry and ashy. She was not a sight to behold.

I rose to my feet and approached her. "Let me take over"

She let out an exhausted sigh and passed the baby over to me with care. I reenacted her former act with the baby. It took minutes for the baby to settle down and eventually, fall asleep.

"I brought my notes from the classes you missed. But, we have a group project coming up. What are you going to do?" I maintained a low whisper to keep the baby asleep.

She ran a hand through her ruffled hair and sank into her sofa as she released a deep sigh. "Omo, I don't know o. I can't leave my baby at home alone." She lowered her voice. "You know, my mother in law doesn't help out that much and Chidi has to work"

We were quiet for the next five minutes. My friend submerged in her thoughts and I, watching her with no way to help her.

She looked up at me and forced a smile onto her face. "I might have to forfeit this year. I'll hold the admission for a year and return next year. It's fine"

I returned an encouraging smile.

It wasn't fine. She didn't return the next year and the year after that, then we lost contact. The friendship strained, she became a housewife and I graduated from school. Most topics were touchy for her, it was inevitable.

I laid back in my bed, ridden with exhaustion. One thing was certain, I wasn't going to raise this child. Adoption was the clearest option. Or so, I thought.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) is a hormone produced by the placenta during pregnancy.

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