"Mr. Howard" I whispered in time before his lips touched mine, "I can't."

"You must do it for the pain..." He opened his eyes and let go, "or have you no idea how far I had to go to admit such things?"

"Sir I understand but I have sinned enough for you as well, you are not the only who has gone through agony, please leave my room."

"Why this sudden need to keep me away?"

"Do you not perceive how things are? Do you not understand that soon and engagement must take place between Mr. Henry and I?"

"Oh you certainly know how to surprise me."

"I do not care to surprise you but you must understand that..."

"Understand? Understand that after months away from society your plans about that foolish boy continue unchanged? Understand how you have been entangled like every other lady by his charms?"

"I have not been entangled, and he intends to make me his wife, not his past time sir!"

"Of course which makes the whole deal bleaker, you will be stuck to him forever faithfully I imagine in your part. I thought you wiser Alice but once again you prove me all women are unreliable. You all fall for any sort of shell of a man, nothing else matters than good society breeding, my disappointments will never end when it comes to the female population," he was changed his tenderness gone, his dare I say lovely conversation done.

"And my disappointment never ends with you!"

"Why are you so hell bent on marriage? Cost what it may!"

He meant to expose marriage was the priority of my life like it was every other ladies' so I did not argue this point because it was true. Along with every other female I was to do what my grandfather wanted, be married and bring honor to our family name once again by erasing the past falling out of my father of the family.

"Do you for a second believe you will be happy with him? Can you not see how it all ends?"

"Sir! I have too many reasons to not break my promise to Mr. Henry! First my word that I would court him once the mourning period was over, second the fact my grandfather chose him for my husband, and last he remained true to the promise he made a year ago to come for me without any incentive from my part which makes him a proper husband for me..."

"Forsake it, forsake it all!"

"No! I cannot forsake who has never forsaken me unlike you! Mr. Henry was more than merciful when he came to visit my mother in her illness, he sought out help in every way he could instead of leaving my side which would have been his right to do. He has been present and while I was wilting away heartbroken over you last year he was the one to give me a glimmer of hope which you had all but destroyed with your unbearable force of character."

"Then accept my apology," he waited and the pain Mr. Howard caused my heart came back as a fresh reminder of something I did not ever wish to go through again.

"Apology," I thought of Mr. Henry's arm and the gratefulness I owed him for not running away from a responsibility he never had to take on when it came to me.

"What else would you have me do? If I begged on my knees like a dog I would have more dignity left than I do now," he showed his palms to me.

"There is no need, we are only afforded so many chances and I have no strength left for another battle with you sir."

"What a thing to see, you bound to the wrong choice with nothing to stop you, then again who could stop a woman of decided mind?"

"I believe this is goodnight sir," I held on to my bed post physically dried up from all perseverance required of me to battle Mr. Howard.

"No it isn't, there will be no good nights for us Alice," he put his face near my cheek and I stood still like time knowing I'd be holding back the need to seize him by the shirt and kiss his familiar mouth forever as he left the room.

The revelations he made of his struggle weakened my defenses against him but it could have been nothing more than pretty lie and the only person who knew whether it was the truth or not was my mother. Had he truly agonized with the same feelings I did? This entire time though it felt like I loved alone did he really feel something or did he just find my weakness? And if his explanations were enough, if they were true, what should I anticipate if I threw my arms around him to forgive him? That tomorrow I would wake up and Mr. Howard would somehow have turned into a prince who knew how to ask for my hand, how to make me smile, how to love me? No the reality of my choice would sink in and then what would I be left with? Or who would I be left with to spend all eternity with? Though Mr. Howard had improved a little from when I first started working for him in the end it felt like he had a long way to go by himself and I did not want to be a casualty in the process. So if the case be that Mr. Howard wished to marry me which he did not confirm, there was only a mention of one day, a remote possibility? Was I to engage myself to a man who took the virtue of a woman then left her to poverty excluded from her son and rightful family? The answer became quite clear, no, I wanted to finally stop being surprised by life and be courted by a decent man like Mr. Henry who had thus far loved me patiently.

"Dear Lord illuminate the way..." I ended the prayer and blew out the candle at last as my drowsy thoughts settled I was awoken abruptly with cold fingers pressing around my throat.

"Help! Help! Someone help!" I tried to scream but my voice was hoarse and low so I kicked whoever was on top of me.

The person fell over in the dark on the floor opened the door to my room and ran away before I could light a fire to see the face of the demon who had tried to choke me to death on my bed. I thought of running to Martha's or Cynthia's room but then I would have to explain what happened and with my mother being crazy I did not want to risk being seen that way too or thinking of myself as crazy either. In the hallway afraid of arousing anyone from their sleep I stumbled back inside coughing feeling a pain in my entire neck from the pressure it had withstood.

"Oh God..." I drank the entire water available at my bedside and when I bumped into a chair fear gripped me. Every shadow in the bedchamber made me jump for I knew my life was at risk so I did the worst thing I could have done.

In order to escape one threat one had to look for a bigger monster to chase the other, so I mustered up my courage took a candle with me and step by step walked some doors over to where the most frightening of threats slept in. I knocked and he did not answer so I opened the door and went inside he slept so well I began to regret entering the room so I sat on the floor by the bed knowing there I would be safe but the candle I held made a noise when I sat it down and it woke him.

"Who's there!" He asked in the dark as the candle had been blown out, "who dares come into my bedchamber!"

"For... Forgive me sir," I got up from the floor and Mr. Howard slid across the bed to where I was, only he would understand what had taken place no one else.

"Alice?" His voice was astounded by my courage to walk in there and so was I, "what happened?"

"I was asleep when..." I sniffed to not cry, "fingers, two hands around my neck and I..."

"Why did you not scream for me?"

"I... I..." I shook my head choking on fears it was wise I hadn't gone to the girls or they would know something despicable had taken place as I lost control of myself in front of Mr. Howard.

"You what?"

"Shouted," the words forced their way out when he embraced me, "but no one came, no one heard me, my voice would not reach the others," the tears wet my face and his shirt wiped them, "I know how wrong this is, I do sir but..."

"Not a soul needs to know you are here," he looked around worried as well agreeing with my mad idea.

"Thank you," I looked at him go to his bedchamber door and lock it, then open the curtains where the moon was the light and finally blow out all the candles.

"Come to bed Alice, sleep here tonight and I promise no harm will come to you," he asked and fatigued I pushed my body into his bed for if the choice between this scandalous night and certain death, this was the better choice, for survival was a priority in the list where propriety was left behind.

Mr. Howard looked around one more time and then laid on top of the sheets facing me, "are you hurt?"

"No," I answered uneasy from the pain in my throat.

"I have water."

"Safety is all I seek sir," I had not come to make all things well between us for how could they be? Instead tonight I needed the monster he was to keep me safe.

"You are safe, I will be here," he understood what I meant and turned his back to me while I watched his dark silhouette laying by the side of the bed knowing he would keep his word until the day dawned, the monster who eased half of my fears though only half...

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Copyright: All Rights Reserved to A. Sena Gomes.