The Bible gave me the imagination that I had a heart not made of anatomy, a vital part of my life yet a place where the good and the worst were lodged inside of. And I believed it was this heart which cracked into a new piece with the coming weeks like a fine china slowly breaking on the ground to live on with the way things had been set, soon the news of Mr. Howard's departure reached my house.

"Alice!" Mama shouted when the tea cup fell from my hands instead of making it back to the tray for the maid to take it away.

"Oh my, forgive me," I said to the maid trying to pick up the pieces.

"Milady careful or you will cut yourself," Mrs. Miller picked me back up at once from the floor outraged with my action to help.

"My apologies..."

"You have already apologized and she heard you," Mrs. Miller corrected me to stop at once, "now you may do as you will," she turned to tell the maid and I looked at the dear teacup all broken never to be the same. It had come to its end through my clumsy hands and if only it had been in the care of someone who was careful with it this would never had happened, nothing never would have happened to me.

The maid wiped the dusty white pieces off the floor taking it to be disposed of and I watched mesmerized by the simple house action when mama came in reading something.

"Lord Howard is gone to the country Alice," mother said.

"Yes," I nodded looking for a book to distract myself with.

"Did you know of this?"

"No the Earl just never liked to stay in London for too long," or anyone for that matter.

"Right of course I remember when you worked for him, soon you were out in the country. But still I wonder what made him go before the season ended he had given the appearance of being interested in taking a wife."

"What?" Apparently he and mama were much closer than I had imagined previously.

"We talked of what it would be like if we ever met someone worth marrying to which is why I thought he would stay, until his arrangements were made."

"Mr... Lord Bridgeston is a very changeable man," Mr. Howard had been seeking out my mother's thoughts so that he could ask her hand in marriage no doubt like everyone expected and in this moment I did not regret very much accepting Joseph.

"Yes that is the word, although I did not wish to part with a clear minded gentlemen like him he did apologize for not making the house call in this letter," mother continued.

"May I get back to my book mother?"

"Yes but you are the one who has me worried now, when was the last time you went for some air?"

"A week ago I think," it was specifically when Martha insisted she needed me in order to go talk to Cynthia about her engagement to Arthur.

_

Cynthia was less than happy with the engagement she called Martha many not lady like names after finally having some tea and opening Martha's present as an apology for the way things went.

"I remember you saw it on the window shop and I went back to get it for you," Martha gave her a gold bracelet with garnets on them.

"Martha you cannot buy my forgiveness this was a low blow," Cynthia was not exalted but still hurt.

"I am not trying to buy you, you are too rich for that, it is just an offering of peace, do you not deserve it?" Martha insisted.

"I guess I do," Cynthia put it around her wrist and Martha clasped it.

"See beautiful," I acknowledged helping Martha and then Cynthia's ego recovered a little.

"Yes it is, and since I deserve it I shall not say thank you," Cynthia closed the jewelry box and Martha finally had the floor.

"Cynthia... If it were you in my shoes I would be very cross with you for liking Henry but a marriage is forever. If you or I pass up the love offered to us now what could become of us with someone else? It is either eternal happiness or doom? There is no in between please believe me when I say I wish Arthur was Henry as we had it planned from the beginning." Martha was always sincere never hiding her cards and Cynthia who had already cried and thrown a tantrum just nodded.

"You are right we must be with whom we love," Cynthia agreed and I drank tea hearing the last words I needed in my state, eternal doom or happiness, I knew which one awaited me.

_

As I exited the past scene of Martha and Cynthia earlier in the week, mother stood in front of my mirror talking of something and I caught up her latest question.

"I am going for tea at Lady Seville come with me I am sure her nephew would be thrilled," Mother said fixing her hair in my mirror.

"No thank you, you go mother, I will be fine with a book."

"I thought you liked Lady Seville's nephew," she pressed and yes he was one of the better ones but often I had to talk for he barely got a word out.

"Sure and I promise to go next time but not today."

"Is this do with Joseph? Are you in love my dear?"

"Love? No."

"Then why the melancholy? What happened between you and Joseph?"

"Nothing happened mother, we are friends."

"And yet you are being very strange in his absence," mother diagnosed me then left so I cried some more for the wretched passion I felt for Mr. Howard was not gone yet...

Both nightmares and dreams happened most nights, sometimes everything was beautiful in the dimension where sleep erased all which was wrong between Mr. Howard and I, other times it enhanced everything that was evil. Therefore every night I prayed to God knees down by the side of my bed to uproot the vicious passion of my heart and burn it away. Yet every prayer ended in tears and I woke up the next day with the acute numbness to life and a quiet dying heartache. I had never felt so helpless, out of control, out of touch with everything that was beautiful and sane, as if every pleasure had been thus denied to me.

"Milady," Edna came to my room.

"Yes?"

"Lord Stanley for you."

"Thank you Edna," she excused herself and I walked down to meet him.

"Alice," Joseph kissed my hand.

"Joseph," I nodded.

"Are you ill?" He was discomforted by my appearance and cold manner of greeting.

"I am fine."

"I believe I can see your bones, are you sure you are well?"

"I lost some weight is all, I might have been better prepared if you wrote before you decided to call on me," I lied, there were no better days for me, I looked just as ill as every other day today.

"Of course."

"Is something the matter?"

"I thought you should know I may have found a better way to convince my father of us," he said but in the moment it did not catch my attention.

"What?"

"Come to the Spring Dinner at my house with your mother," he took out an invitation from his pocket.

"Has a whole year really passed?"

"Yes, a year since we met."

"I cannot promise you anything until my mother has seen this."

"Of course but if we wish to continue this engagement we must show my father we are good for each other," Joseph finally embraced me and I almost cried in his arms.

The warmth of his friendship and holding my tongue while I knew information of his mother, and then only accepted his hand to stop my own mother from marrying his father were one too many sins piled on my back.

"I will try my best," I wiped the one tear before he saw it.

"Well I should go I am going back to Stanley Hall, you will not see me until the April dinner is over if you do not to come."

"Have a safe trip Joseph," I said and he left a kiss on my hand.

I did not particularly hide the invitation but stuck it in the middle of books seeing I had no intentions of ever going near Mr. Howard, we had said our farewells. Yet it was with the invitation in my hand I admitted to myself he had shattered my glass like heart when he threw the stone of his dismissal at my love. My heart was leftover shards prickling those who came near it and cutting my soul over and over again; in this pain I remained.

**************************

No part, character, names, plot, setting, conflict or resolution, point of view, theme or symbolism of this story may be replicated.

Copyright: All Rights Reserved to A. Sena Gomes.