"Do you even miss me fam?!" I grumble excitedly into the phone hearing the soft groaning of a sleepy Lucas

"Terribly." He sighs heavily into the phone

I must have woken him up again, but who else would I share the big news with? Boyd had been way to calm for my liking ("of course they'd invest in you, they're not mad!" didn't count as eventful enough a response for me) and I still didn't know how to bond with Sadie over this without feeling like I was betraying Hervé. Mum was still at her shift and hell would freeze over before I said anything to Aunt Simon without Mum knowing first so Lucas was my only choice.

"What? The sextuplets not enough for you now?" I tease, needing him to be slightly more awake so I can tell him of the strange and wonderful things that happened at the most beautiful mansion I'd ever been in

"They were never enough...it's not for trying though, is it?" He drawls softly, a smile in his voice now

"Is it?" I wonder back, enjoying the deep lazy chuckle that fills my ears

"I might have Beyoncé money but I also have Solange's hands, don't make me throw them at you fam." I warn him lightly, smiling into his beautiful laugh

"I've never seen you fight but from what Hervé tells me baby, you don't have Solange hands."the rude toff replies, to which, unceremoniously at that, I hang up

Can't believe my last relationship didn't even officially last a hundred days. Should I add this to my application for a position in the hillside thrupple or leave it out? Whew, maybe this time I should be single for a while, get to know myself a bit better... Maybe I should also apply for the bachelorette

I look over at my ringing phone, it's my exboyfriend calling me. He must be feeling how that guy who took Beyoncé to prom feels. He shouldn't have told me I can't fight; now all we have between us is a distant memory. I pick up, but only because I'm not sure he heard me when I said I have Beyoncé money now. He might think I meant concert tickets.

"They signed you." He says, dead calm

For some reason his tone makes me feel nervous. I don't know why I even thought about telling him the news. Some part of our relationship was based on Luc footing all the bills and being significantly richer than me. I hadn't realized it now but we'd never spent much time at my place...or even any time at all. it was always his house and his castle and his helicopter and his money on the table whenever we went out and his cars. With Oriadne's backing, I'd be the richer one...

"That's racist. I'm not a football player..." I chuckle nervously

I shouldn't have picked up. Can't believe I'm about to get dumped by a poor person. It's fine. If we break up over me being richer than him I can hand in my application to join the thrupple with my full chest, no looking back! I won't even miss him that much anyway, it's not like I'm so in love with him that I'm considering lying to him about the deal

"Are you saying I won't make a good WAG?" he wonders in the same calm voice that tells me nothing

"You're no Colleen Rooney mochridhe." I sigh tightly

My voice isn't shaking! Your voice is shaking!

"I can't believe this..." He sighs

Ok, it's fine. I can just hide the funding behind so many offshore accounts and pretend to still be poor.

"It's not even that much...to be honest" I mumble nervously

"I'm the Megan Markle!" he interrupts me

"What?!" We both croak

"What do you mean it's not that much, Funke? I've been prepping to quit my job, pick up an expensive habit and go see a dermatologist about some botox and a permanent tan!" the tosser hisses at me

Me! Funke Jamie Folasade Adu Obatunde!

"Are you mad?!" I cry in relief and disbelief

"Herve's refused to tape my audition for the real housewives of insert wherever you want me to move to here, so yes, I'm a bit miffed." He sighs as I try my best not to cry into the phone

Ok...so we're not breaking up! What about my application to the super rich thrupple?! Why must Lucas ruin everything for me!

"Are you...crying?" He pries

"Nooooooooo!" I sob into the phone

this is fucking...How dare... This fucking... When I....

"Why are you crying baby? Who do I have to beat up?" he wonders tenderly into the phone

So he wants me to sit here and explain that I thought he was going to dump me because that's what Luna would've done?

"I just want to dump you because you're too poor to be dating me now but you're making it so hard." I mumble, half crying, half laughing as I realize Lucas wasn't Luna

It had been so long since my partner had been supportive when I had good news that I automatically assumed the worst.

"My audition for Made in Chelsea is next week so you can dump me on live television for ratings later." he retorts apparently so pleased with himself as I try and pull myself together

I'm rich now! Technically if I wanted to I could find everyone who's ever been a sextuplet and pay Solange to slap them! I mean...I'm not going to...but I could

"I miss you so much Funke. I'm about to pull this baby out of Leisel myself." he swears, his voice like a hug

We'd agreed that one of us had to stay with Hervé until the baby comes...and this was when we thought the baby would be here in a few days...two weeks later...

"Yeah? You're just going to stick your hand up your ex's vag and pull your best friend's baby out?" I wonder

"Actually... you know what...you could actually be in a reality show. You're right." I realize.

How many people could say a sentence like that? His ex was having his best friend's baby and had been accused of attempting to kill his best friend's ex...

"I could... Have you told Hervé?" he pries, a smile in his voice now

"You think it'd motivate him to help you shoot your audition for The Only Way is Essex?" I tease back, wishing I was crawling into his bed right now

Don't get me wrong, I'm disappointed that I won't be handing in my application to the hillside thrupple...

I tell him everything, about how divinely gorgeous everyone and the house was, about Hanifa's offer of basically as much money as I can take, about Arun calling Michi poor because she only had two private jets and seven houses to her name.

"Arun?" He pries and I slightly panic that Lucas had somehow found out that I was ready to leave him for that gorgeous very wealthy thrupple

"That's what Hanifa called him." I try to sound casual as I say it

Can't be caught out here thinking about cheating after I just accused him of cheating...so I'm casual about it.

"Dark hair, blue eyes...rather intense and stubborn? Some people think he's handsome..." He describes Arun closely enough

I guess I'll have to change my government name to some people... Some people Jamie Folasade Adu Obatunde

"Do they? I didn't see him much but that does sound a bit like him." I shrug as nonchalantly as I can

Why were men so rude? Why can't Lucas just admit that Arun was fit as fuck. Was he Lucas' friend? Did he think Lucas was poor too?

"You realize it was on the news today that Oriadne are now the richest people in the planet right?" He asks and I wonder what he's getting at

"I didn't check everyone's investment portfolios at the house, my bad."

"Number two is the Carliorossis, three is the Heliodors, number four is Arun Saleh." He clarifies as if thinking with me about something that I just didn't know

I knew about Oriadne, and I'd heard of the unholy trinity that was the Carliorossis but I had no idea who the Heliodors were and prior to today I'd never heard of Arun Saleh either. I figured he was big money from his warped idea of poverty. I should've known from how upset he was that Dr. Michi had opened the door herself. I mean he was right and it was a heavy door... but still. Lucas and I go over

"He's the only person on the list that's a solo act mo gradh, the Carliorossis and the Heliodors are a family, Oriadne are a partnership, Arun is... Arun. Do you know how much money you need to have..." He chokes, deeply deeply impressed and I think maybe even fan-boying

So you'll be OK if I leave you for him, Hanifa and Dr Michi then?

"And for him to be in a relationship with one half of Oriadne...the kind of power...if they merge..." He is mumbling to himself

Listen, if you have a crush on him and I have a crush on him, why don't we...

"I can't believe I'm missing this. I'm running straight to the airport as soon as the baby is in Hervé's arms." He vows

I'm just going to assume he meant me when he said "missing this"

"OK, see you then. I think I have about five trips to the mansion before the contracts are all sorted so it'll be at least a week on my end." I grumble happily

Not that I could complain about unlimited funding or anything. I was about to be the rich fine auntie Hervé's baby needs.

"Cool cool cool, now lets discuss how big my engagement ring will be. I've been listening to upgrade you to pick up some notes on how to be the Beyoncé of this relationship..." Luc says

"Engagement ring?" I choke, not even bothering to address the Beyoncé comment

"Lucas Obatunde has a nice ring to it or would a hyphen work?" He wonders and I am telling you this man has lost his entire mind

"Luc... Are you there?" I pry, making what I assume are tech noises into the phone

"And how are you going to propose? My fave football team is arsenal by the way in case you're thinking of doing it in a football field with the team and an orchestra and jets. Do you think you can bring Arsene Wenger to officiate the marriage?" He continues animatedly

"Luc? Hello? Luc, I can't hear you..." I say, cutting the words up so it sounds like the network isn't all that great

I didn't even know this man was into football. I'd never seen him even looking in the direction of a match or a jersey! The nerve of him fancying himself the Beyoncé of this relationship! Or was that his way of telling me I could cheat a little as a treat? Join the thrupple as a poor part-timer..