"Hi mum." I sigh into the phone

I was at work, the boss wasn't here yet considering you could literally see his house from the office and my pitch was ready, so I figured I'd call my mother

"And the gods have shined on me today is it?!" Mum sings dramatically into the phone

I chuckle softly at that 

"Me! Folarin Obatunde! Called by my own daughter that I pushed out of my vagina for seventeen hours without rest!Heeeeeh! Is it my birthday?" she wonders

I must have caught her on a break too, usually she'd just ask "what have you done now?"

"You alright? How's your day going?" I say, smiling now

I wasn't exactly a mummy's girl but I was always mummy's little girl. 

"I'm fine baby, how about you? What is it you want?" She pries 

"I need the recipe for the ofada stew please." I request as meekly as possible. Watch mum clown me for my cooking skills before finally giving me the recipe 

"Heeeeeeh! Olufunke?! Olufunke Jamie Obatunde! Or are you now Jamie Oliver Obatunde? Youuuuuu, You who burnt water in this my house each time I asked you for a small small jolof rice? You want me to give you recipe for ofada stew? Mxm, the london bridge will burn again and it will be my fault! Heeeh! So now you're a chef? A Michelin chef and you can't even invite your mother for dinner, to just taste even a little of your burnt fufu on my tongue so I can say listen now, my daughter the architect is now Nigella!" She harangues me and I chuckle a little about it 

"My mother the neurologist has just joined the Royal Shakespeare Company! Come and see oh!" I tease her right back even though I really should have her over for dinner more often

We chuckle. I'm sure whoever hexed me is mad that my day seems less vexing now

"But who are you making ofada stew for?" She wonders, the brightness still in her voice

I bite my lip, hesitant to say it. 

"Your little friend, Luna..." she guesses, correctly might I add

It wasn't that mum didn't know Luna and I were dating, I just don't think she's too comfortable with it, Luna, or me dating a woman. We generally didn't talk about it. I didn't meddle in her love life and she didn't meddle in mine. 

"Is there an occasion or did you just feel like poisoning her?" she finally asks

I know this was going to be a fight about what a horrible daughter I was so I measure my words and try my best to sound cute and harmless

"I finally got a big commission mummy. I wanted to celebrate the news with her." I...kind of lie. 

It wasn't untruthful, it was just unclear where the truth and the lie were in the statement

"Enhe! So the rest of us are chopped liver, we are insignificant specks in the windshield that is your life for you to be celebrating big news with just your little friend Luna! Ok! Ooooook!" She complains and I know she's right 

"I was going to invite everyone for dinner next week when the contracts are signed and everything's finalized." I promise

"But who is every one? Your father is still dead, your cousin has decided to abandon us for America, I don't have a boyfriend I haven't told you about! Who else?" she probes

I have friends! I have friends that aren't related to me! 

"Friends!" I retort, though no one was coming to mind

"Such as?" She pries and I don't know why she's being this violent in the morning

I try and think of someone that wasn't my cousin Boyd, that wasn't my mother, that wasn't Luna. 

"Aunty Solomon! And Lola!" I declare, even though Auntie Solomon, mum's big sister was the last person I wanted in my business. She was bare nosy!

"ah! Ok! If you were going to buy us a fancy dinner to tell us you're now a millionaire, I guess I should get my hair done for it then." Mum sighs in that way specifically designed to guilt and pressure me into doing as she says 

"Will you need a new dress too mum?" I tease, knowing I'd give her the clothes off my back

"But ofcourse! We don't want Auntie Solomon thinking we're wallowing in poverty now that her son is in America! Aht! Aht!" She teases right back

I was going to look for a dress for her obviously! We were going to rock up to this dinner that I hadn't thought of before looking like we just stepped off some fashion runway. 

"Tell you what, I'll cook you the Ofada stew and drop it off later today. I don't want you killing someone's child with your cooking just a few days to a big contract." Mum offers and I could kiss her if she wasn't so far 

"Thanks mummy. You're the best!" I chime happily 

"Allow it. I love you Chupsie. I will see you later with your ofada stew. And what will you be serving it with? coconut rice?" she pries

"Yes."

"Will you make the coconut rice or will you burn it as well?" She teases me as I tell her that I love her and will see her later today when she delivers my Ofada stew

"It can't be that hard." I chime as my phone beeps

I check to see that Luna is calling. 

"I have to go mum, Luna's ringing me. I'll see you later today. love you." I say, hanging up on my mum as she asks me to say Hi to Luna

"You were on another call?" Luna asks, she sounds calmer if not more terrifying than she did when she found out Earl Whitlam was at the meeting with me

"Hey sweetie..." I sigh back

"Who was it? Lucas?! I turned on find my friends, so you're dining with Lucas and lying to me about it now? Es tan feo que haces llorar a las cebollas. And now you're meeting him at restaurants and ignoring my phonecalls because you're on the phone with him?" She hisses and I..

(He's so ugly that you make the onions cry.)

"It was my mum, babe. I was asking her for a recipe for dinner tonight." I reveal as calmly as possible 

"Is it?" she probes

"I wanted to make you something special, so we can talk through things." I point out tenderly 

"So you think I want to see your lying cheating face ever again?!" She wonders darkly 

Yes! Especially because I hadn't lied and I wasn't cheating! 

"Darling it's not like that at all..." I sigh

"I told you to quit your job! I said it this morning but do you ever listen to me? I'm tired of this shit Funke! I don't care what stupid explanations you have for lying to me! Me importa un pepino!" She's hissing at me, which proves my theory that my relative who hexed me was really going in on my voodoo doll or whatever 

"Can we talk about this tonight please..." I beg as calmly as I can, because this entire situation was vexxing me all over again and I couldn't hang up on her 

"If it's about you quitting your job then yes, we can talk about it tonight!" she states haughtily 

I try and keep my sigh to myself 

"Sure darling, we'll discuss that tonight. My place at around 8 good for you?" I offer 

"I'll be there for half seven." she announces, hanging up on me before I can say I love you. 

Luna wasn't usually this... uptight and militant about things. This is the same woman that had ultimately come around when I'd explained that she was babying me and I'd decided to work for Whitlam instead. So believe me, she wasn't usually like this. I pull out a pack of ciggies and place one on my lip. Boyd had left me a pack of the rolled ones that were expensive here because he too was supposed to have quit smoking. I was in dire need of a smoke though, so I light it up and close my eyes, leaning against the ivy covered wall, taking in the toxins and letting the little buzz take over me. I release into the air, releasing stress and vexation with it as I try and figure out what I was going to do. If I took the job I'd have to work with Whitlam's finest Justin Timberlake impersonator and probably lose my girlfriend in the process, and if I didn't take the job I'd lose my job, have no prospects for my own firm and I'd get to keep my girlfriend. I pull at the smoke, trying to clear my head a bit more, was this contract really worth my relationship? Would it really pivot me towards my own firm or was I just being idealistic and putting my relationship on the line once again for a pipe dream? 

"You should probably quit smoking." Lucas says to me, as if I had asked him

I don't know how he found me or my hiding spot. I didn't think anyone knew about this place except for the gardener Terry and me. I open one eye to glare at him, standing there like Thor's illegitimate cousin who was left out of the comics and the films, Bjorn Oddinson. I take a deep drag of the ciggie

"Make me." I mumble back.