Fear? If I have gained anything by damning myself, it is that I no longer have anything to fear,’

- Jean-Paul Sartre

Chapter Thirty-Three

Cole was awoken by the tiny body of his younger sister, belly flopping onto his bed.

“Cole!” She cried happily, “Wake up!”. Cole’s green eyes slowly opened as the slight pain from her jumping onto him started to take full effect, letting out a loud groan as he did.

“Lily! For God’s sake, I told you to stop jumping on me in the morning! What’s wrong with just shaking me to wake me up?” Cole cried, but not angrily, he could never be angry at his Lily, never in a million years. He was far too protective of her to do so. Lily just giggled in reply.

“Ooh you swore!” she laughed, her hazel eyes full of glee as she spoke.

“What? When did I swear?” Cole questioned thinking back through what he had said, unable to find the curse word he had said. He never swore around Lily so this must have been the first time he had slipped up with her. She lightly bit her lip as she looked around his room, as if she was checking there was nobody around to tell on her if she repeated his word. “Come on then, Monkey, what did I say?” He said using the nickname he had for her.

“You said,” She spoke, finishing in a whisper so nobody but Cole would hear, “For God’s sake,” As soon as she said it, Cole let out a laugh, shaking his head slightly.

“That’s not a swear word!” Cole replied, rolling his eyes at his younger sister, relief filling him as he realised that he hadn’t slipped up.

“Jane said it was,” Lily answered as she jumped onto the side of the bed, and rolled over to her brother and lying down next to him.

“It’s not a swear, but it’s something that only grown-up’s get to say,” Cole explained, looking down at his sister as she lay next to him, her cute little face looking up at him. He didn’t know what he would have done if she had died when she was a child, if the cancer had taken her like it had taken Azelie’s younger sister. If Lily had died... Cole could hardly imagine it. He was sure his father wouldn’t have been able to take loosing his wife, and then his daughter a year and a half after. No sane person would be able to handle it. Cole couldn’t imagine himself without Lily. A life without her was unthinkable. She was his younger sister; he was there to protect her - no matter what.

“You’re not a grown-up!” Lily replied, a smile forming on her lips as she pushed a little at Cole.

“Well, I’m babysitting you aren’t I?” Cole smiled, knowing that it would bug her, “I’m old enough to babysit you and when you’re old enough to babysit somebody, you can say that,”

“You aren’t babysitting me, Cole!” She whined, scrunching up her nose slightly in distaste at his words, “I’m a child - you’re child sitting!”

“Same difference!”

“Is not! A baby is like 3 days old, I’m five,” Lily cried. Cole just laughed softly at his younger sister, rolling his eyes at her.

“Fine then, I’m child-sitting! Happy now?”

“Very!” She said, sticking her tongue out at her older brother. She stopped talking for a second to think. A large smile began to grow on her lips as excitement began to build inside of her, “Cole, is your girlfriend coming over today?”

“Girlfriend?” He questioned, not understand who she was referring to.

“Azelie! Is Azelie coming over today?” She asked him, her brown eyes wide with excitement as she looked up at her brother.

“Azelie isn’t my girlfriend!” Cole said, trying to think of where Lily had heard that. Of course, he loved her. But she wasn’t his girlfriend, “Who told you she was my girlfriend?” He questioned, snapping out of his train of thought

“Err... the crazy lady,” Lily replied after a long pause

“The crazy lady?”

“The one with the pink hair,” She clarified, seeming satisfied with her description. As soon as Lily said that she had pink hair, Cole knew exactly who she was speaking about. It actually surprised him that he didn’t get it the first time. ‘Crazy Lady’ is a rather accurate description of Kelly.

“Kelly? Kelly told you that Azelie was my girlfriend,” He said, making sure he was getting it right. Lily nodded in reply as she adding something else in

“And dad,”

“Dad and Kelly told you that Azelie was my girlfriend,” Cole clarified, repeating what she had said. Lily nodded quickly as she looked up at Cole, waiting for him to speak “Well she’s not,”

“But they said-” Lily began to say, but Cole cut her off, trying to make sure she didn’t get too confused.

“She’s not, Li,” He said, shaking his head, “Azelie’s just a friend,”

“Aw.. I like her,” She replied, looking a bit sad at the idea of her older brother and Azelie just being friends.

“I like her too, Li,” Cole replied, sounding rather sad. The words almost killed him as he said them. Everything he felt for Azelie, it was far more that just liking her. He was sure that he loved her, he had admitted it to himself a long time ago. He loved her so much that it wasn’t even amazing anymore. It was painful to love Azelie, just like it’s painful to love anybody when they don’t feel the same way about you. It’s almost as if there’s a shard of glass just sitting outside your heart, piecing it just that little bit more every time it beats. Or like a cancer growing inside of you, and every time you see her, or she says or does something that makes you love her that bit more, the cancer grows too, but it doesn’t kill you. It just keeps you in pain. That’s how Cole’s love felt to him. Because Azelie didn’t love him back.

“She should be your girlfriend,” Lily stated, bringing Cole out of his dream that he had floated off to, “You could get married, and she could be like my older sister rather than the crazy lady, and you could have little babies and I could baby sit them,” She added, smiling at the idea. He looked down at his sister, loving how she saw everything as being so simple. At her age, they didn’t know about the complications that love has. In Lily’s world, everyone loved each other, nobody ever died, or went away. There were no trains, or bridges, everything was simple and perfect and everything Cole wished the world could be. But of course it isn’t simple and perfect. Nothing worth fighting for has ever been simple; and Azelie certainly wasn’t simple.

“Would you baby sit them or child sit them?” Cole asked with a smile, trying to move the conversation on slightly.

“Baby sit them! Duh - they would be babies Cole!” Lily said, rolling her eyes slightly, “You didn’t answer my question,”

“What questioned was that?”

“Is Azelie coming over today?” She replied, repeating her question from earlier. Cole thought for a second, trying to decide if he should tell his sister or not.

“We’ll see, Monkey. We’ll see,”

He watched her as she sat on the sofa, with Lily leaning on her shoulder. Her brown hair was down today, flowing past her shoulders, all wavy and curly. Her brown eyes were fixed on the T.V. screen, just as his younger sister’s were. She can arrived around 11, and Lily had practically been bouncing off walls with excitement when she pulled up in their driveway. They had spent the some of the afternoon baking in the kitchen, before Lily dragged them both on the to trampoline in the back garden. Despite the fact that Azelie and Cole were quite good at sport, the trampoline had them tired in no time, while it didn’t affect Lily whom could have jumped for hours. They had finally managed to get Lily calm down after dinner, by promising her that she could watch a film. Cole’s dad was working so the three of them had the house to themselves all day.

Cole’s eyes glanced up at the screen, seeing the familiar opening scene of ‘Tangled’ which was a film Lily seemed to constantly watch on repeat.

“Not this rubbish again!” He cried as he walked into the living room, letting his presence being fully known to Azelie and Lily. Both girls instantly turned around to scowl at him, both vehemently disagreeing with his words.

“Rubbish? Tangled isn’t rubbish! It’s awesome!” Lily replied as she stuck her tongue out at her annoying older brother.

“I second that! You just have awful taste in movies!” Azelie smiled as he turned around to look at the screen once again. Cole rolled his eyes at the two girls as he walked over to the sofa and sat in between them both, a bowl of freshly popped popcorn held in his hands. Azelie instantly grabbed a hand full and shoved some in her mouth, her cheeks full of popcorn.

“You do realise you look like a hamster when you do that,” Cole smirked, looking at Azelie.

“Hhm?” She mumbled, her mouth full of popcorn as she turned to look at Cole, a confused expression appearing on her face as she did. He just let out a small chuckle before repeating himself.

“You look like a hamster!” Azelie shot him a glare while she eating the popcorn that was in her mouth before replying.

“It’s necessary!” Azelie said, “You’ll steal all the popcorn before I even get a chance to eat it!”

“I think you will find that it’s actually you who steal all the popcorn!” Cole argued, raising an eyebrow at Azelie, trying to hide the smile that was attempting to break out on his lips.

“What! No I don’t! That’s you! You popcorn stealer” She cried, narrowing her eyes at him. He was about to answer her when Lily ‘shh’ed them.

“Be quiet you two!” Lily said, sending them both daggers and shutting them up instantly.

“Hamster,”

“Popcorn stealer,” They mumbled at the same time, still throwing insults at each other even though Lily had told them to be quiet. Lily let out a huff of frustration at the two teenagers as she pushed herself off the sofa and sitting in-between Azelie and Cole to stop them arguing. Azelie just looked over at Cole, whom was also looking back at her, before sending him a little smirk as he noticed that Azelie now had the bowl of popcorn. She may have won the battle; but Cole was going to make sure that she didn’t win the war.

It was only when the film they had been watching ended did Cole realise that Lily had fallen fast asleep. Usually, when they were watching a film together, Lily would fall asleep on her older brother, however this time was a little different. This time, Lily was asleep on Azelie. Lily’s small body was curled up against Azelie’s, her small arm wrapped around the older girl as Azelie’s right arm was stretched over Lily.

Cole just watched the two of them, Azelie looking completely at ease with Lily sleeping on her. He knew that Azelie loved Lily like she was her own sister, anybody with a pair of eyes could see that. Cole had put it down to Azelie losing her sister at such a young age. Her sister, Haley, had been the first of many of Azelie’s family members to die, that would have affected her somehow. It had to.

“Earth to Cole!” a voice cried, pulling Cole out of thoughts. His eyes snapped up slightly to meet with Azelie’s gaze, a smile forming on her lips.

“Huh?” He answered, a look of confusion forming on his face.

“I was saying that you should probably get Lily to bed,” Azelie smiled, motioning down to the sleeping girl. Cole nodded in reply, realising that Azelie was right. He slowly got off the sofa, before standing above Azelie and Lily, and scooping his younger sister up in his arms.

Cole carried Lily upstairs, making sure she was tucked into her bed. He gently kissed her on the forehead before leaving the room. When he came back down stairs again, he found Azelie in the kitchen, standing beside the microwave.

“Well, well, well - making more popcorn are we?” He smiled as he walked into the room, a million thoughts flying through his head as he laid eyes on her. Why did she have to do this to him? Make him feel simply alive and dead at even just the sigh of her!

“Yeah, cause your fat ass ate it all!” She replied, smiling over at him. Her eyes were shining brightly. He could always tell when she was genuinely happy because the golden flakes in her eyes would be visible, rather than the deep dull shade of brown her eyes turned when she was tired or depressed.

“Excuse me! I think you will find that my ass is not fat! Nor did it eat all the popcorn, you chipmunk!” Cole replied in a matter of fact tone as he walked further into kitchen, not daring to look away from Azelie.

“I thought I was a hamster; not a chipmunk,” She informed him, remembering back to his words earlier in the evening.

“Same difference!” he shrugged, smirking over at her as he leaned against one of the counters in the kitchen.

“Not really.. hamsters are smaller; while chipmunks live outside and look rather like weird squirrels,” She explained, trying to think of as many differences between hamsters and chipmunks so she could prove him wrong.

“Smart ass,” He replied, rolling his eyes at her, the smile on his lips never faltering.

“And you’ve got a fat ass!”

“Guess we make the perfect pair then!” Cole commented, the conversation falling into silence. She looked up at him as he looked back down at her, both smiling, both with the same thoughts running around their heads. Azelie suddenly found her throat growing dry as Cole’s voice seemed to disappear. They sat in the comfortable silence, wondering if they should say something; or do something.

God, how couldn’t she see it? How he felt about her, he hadn’t done a very good job of hiding his feelings, although he didn’t need to worry too much, he would know if she knew. She wouldn’t be around at his house now if she did. She’d be somewhere else, freaking out. That was one thing he knew for certain.

The ping of the microwave broke the silence, and pushed the two into jumping up from where they were sitting. Azelie grabbed the popcorn bowl and began to get the popcorn from the microwave, all the while Cole was raking through the fridge, searching for two cans of coke. They both made their way through to the living room and put another film on. But they didn’t watch it, instead spending the entire time messing around, just the two of them.

For the first time on Monday, Azelie found herself doing something that she had never done previously - she found herself rushing to get ready for school.

She stormed down the staircase, dumping her bag at the front door as she rushed into the kitchen, quickly picking up the breakfast Ted had made for her and took a seat at the table, and began to eat the food as quickly as she could.

“You’re late,” Ted commented, looking across the table at Azelie, an eyebrow raised slightly at his niece. It was not at all like her to be late.

“I know, there’s no need to remind me,” Azelie quickly replied as she struggled to eat her pancakes quickly without choking to death. Ted just shrugged slightly in reply and decided to drop the subject. He was rather glad that Azelie was late; it meant she had been sleeping for once, and that was never a bad thing where his niece was concerned.

“Do you want to borrow the car for the day?” He said, knowing that she would really struggle for time if she walked to school. Azelie had learned how to drive down in Florida but she had never owned a car, and there wasn’t much use in her having her own car when she lived with Ted as there wasn’t really anywhere to drive to, so instead he had her insured on his car so she could drive it when he wasn’t using it. It really worked out for everyone involved.

“Really? Won’t you be using it?”

“Nah, it’s been sitting in the drive for most of the week. Liam’s mainly been driving me about,” Ted replied. He began to dig into his trouser pocket and pulled his car keys from his pocket a minute later, and passed them over to Azelie, who had by now finished her breakfast. “Don’t crash the car, don’t speed and for God’s sake wear a damn seatbelt!”

“THANK YOU!” She shouted, taking the keys as she stood up from table. Azelie quickly put her plate in the sink and ran through to the hallway to put on her jacket and pick up her bag.

“I mean it Azelie - wear your seat-belt!” Ted cried as she looked back at him, sending her uncle a quick smile as she left the house and running over to the car. She sped all the way to school, the radio on full blast as she did. Being a careful driver had never been an idea that attracted Azelie.

She practically ran into school, trying to get to her locker before the bell for her first class rung. Azelie was surprised to find Kelly, Alex and Cole waiting for her beside her lockers. However, they didn’t seem as they usually were. They were crowded around, their facial expressions telling Azelie that they were talking about something serious. She walked closer to them, ready to ask them what they were talking about when suddenly, Cole looked up and noticed her walking towards to them. He instantly alerted the others and almost instantly, the serious expressions on their faces vanished.

“Hey guys... what are you talking about?” Azelie asked as she reached her locker, the three of them all trying to seem innocent, and failing in the process

“Oh you know, the holidays, school, just life really,” Kelly babbled, coming up with a million excuses at once. “Anyhoo, is that the bell I hear? Better get to class! Come on Alex,” She cried, as she grabbed Alex’s hand and dragged him down the corridor, leaving only Cole and a slightly confused Azelie. She looked up at Cole, slightly raising an eyebrow at him, waiting for some sort of an explanation.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” She questioned, looking away from him to open her locker. She quickly dug out the books she would need for her first few classes while looking back at him, her answer written evidently in his facial expressions. Cole opened his mouth to explain as much as he could, but he was cut off by the bell ringing.

“Come on, we’ve got Chemistry first,” he said, motioning slightly with his hand. Azelie let out a loud sigh as she turned to walk down the hallway, promising herself that she would find out what the three of them had been talking about. No one would stop her.

So I strugged slightly on this chapter, but not the point - the point of this message at the bottom is that I have two more chapters to write (34, 35) to write and THEN FEARLESS IS FINISHED. Do you realise how much that scares me? I don't want this to end :( But it is! waaaaah! I'm gonna miss these crazy messed up characters so much... Jesus! I wrote the ending agges ago and I still get emotional over it...

you guys are gonnnna get annngry!