"Finding yourself" is not really how it works. You aren't a ten-dollar bill in last winter's coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people's opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. "Finding yourself" is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.

- Emily McDowell

I hadn't slept much, maybe an hour or two, but I didn't feel tired when I woke up. The sun was rising, slowly peeking through the thick, black curtains. My head was still on Draco's chest and he was still sleeping peacefully. He had put an arm around my waist somewhere during the night, holding me close. I took a couple deep breaths, noticing how nice It felt to wake up with him, even though I had only slept a short while.

He made me happy, but this place made me deeply, deeply unhappy. How was I supposed to choose between that?

I carefully slipped out of bed, walking towards the window. I opened it to let some fresh air in and pulled myself onto the window sill to look at the sunrise. It coloured everything in an orange hue, as if telling you that everything would be okay today. I wish the sunset was right.

Draco didn't wake up for another two hours, but I just let him sleep. Mainly because he usually had trouble sleeping, and I also didn't quite know what to tell him. Run away with me, please? Was that an option?

He didn't say anything either when he woke up. He just stood up and made his way over to where I was sitting . He gently pressed a kiss against my temple, brushing his hand through my hair. I closed my eyes at his touch. It always made everything seem a bit more okay for some reason.

"How do you feel?" he asked eventually. I thought about that for a while. How díd I feel? Overwhelmed but placid, stressed but calm, sad but placid, a never ending paradox.

"I feel like a sailboat in a storm, lost at sea", she whispered, her eyes trained on a spot in the distance. I took her hand in mine, but she didn't respond. She just sat there, staring at nothing in particular.

It scared me to see her like that. It gave me chills, it made me question everything and anything. Her fire had gone out, possibly forever. All that was left was a pile of ashes.

I hoped she hadn't lost it completely, but I was far from certain about that. A piece of her was broken and I was afraid that it could not be mended again. But maybe, maybe she could get it back. With my help, with Tracey's help, with Daphne's help and with her own efforts. She was the strongest woman I knew in my life. She could do it, rise from her ashes like a phoenix.

I had stressed all of yesterday about her not reaching out, about her hiding out in her room. I was scared that she would do something irrational or that she would shut me out. But then in the middle of the night she was suddenly there. She chased all the nightmares away and brought calmth. She was my rock and my one and only. And I couldn't help but feel like I was the rock that she needed right now. A sailboat lost at sea during a storm.

"Well, then let me be your lighthouse", I whispered, wrapping my arms around her waist and putting my chin on her head. I placed a soft kiss on her cheek and she closed her eyes momentarily.

"I'm here for you, Ellie, always."

"I'm fine", she said, the tone of her voice very neutral. "Don't worry about me." She was far from fine, but it was no use to try and get her to talk right now. I was just happy that she was still here with me.

"Well, I'm not, so how about we become each other's lighthouse?" I asked. She looked up, a questioning look in her eyes. I never admitted when I wasn't feeling well, but I felt comfortable enough around her to admit it. I just hoped she'd be comfortable enough around me one day too.

"I'd like that", she whispered and put her head against my chest. I held her tightly as we watched the morning sun break through the nightly clouds. Nothing was certain.

There was a short knock on the door. I frowned and reluctantly let go of Ellie, opening the door.

"Is Eleanor with you?" my mum asked when I opened the door. I looked back to see Ellie sitting at the window, eyes empty still.

"Yes, why?" I asked.

"Her mother sent all her belongings over", she sighed, looking at the trunk at her feet. I swallowed and clenched my jaw. That witch had literally thrown her out of the house, and for what? None of this was Ellie's fault. I wanted to hurt her, to scream at her.

"Draco, don't do anything stupid, okay? You'll only make it worse", mum said as if she could read my mind. "She needs a kind Draco right now, not an angry one." I looked back at Ellie again. She looked so lost.

"What are we going to do?" I asked quietly, so Ellie could not hear my worries. "She's lost, mum. She doesn't belong here, we both know that."

"I know", my mother sighed. "But it's the best place for her to be right now. If the war starts, you don't want to be on the wrong side, Draco. Besides, she doesn't have anywhere else to go." I nodded, not quite knowing what to do. I wanted so much more for her than I could give.

It was my job to give her the world, she was my girlfriend.

My girlfriend. I hadn't thought about that word since I asked her out. It sounded too immature. She was much more than just my girlfriend. She was my one and only, my love, my happiness, my future.

"I'll give it to her", I said. She nodded and levitated the trunk in the room.

"What's that?" Ellie asked when the door closed. I sighed, sitting down next to her again.

"It's the rest of your stuff from Selwyn Keep", I said quietly. Ellie nodded and clenched her jaw. Then she stood up and walked over to the trunk. She opened it slowly and looked at the contents. On the top was a letter. I frowned and walked over to her, kneeling down besides her. She opened the envelope, sealed with a Selwyn stamp. There was a placid look on her face, emotionless.

I couldn't help but read the words on the paper.

Eleanor

You will probably have learned about the current situation by now. You are no longer welcome at Selwyn Keep.

Not only have you disgraced the name of our family by lying to the Dark Lord, that lie is responsible for the continued incarceration of your father, and therefore the blame lies with you.

You have never been a true Selwyn woman. There was always something off about you. I thought that we could straighten you out, but you've even poisoned the thoughts of Draco Malfoy.

Therefore I have decided to not longer welcome you under my roof, as a protection for myself. I will not longer be punished for your failure. I'd prefer it if you no longer call yourself my daughter. It is better this way. I wish you well in your future.

Kind regards

Edda Selwyn

I hadn't noticed that Ellie's breath had sped up until I had read the letter a second time. I couldn't believe the words this woman had written down. How could someone be so cruel, so harsh? My mother sometimes drove me to the edge of insanity, but she loved me deeply and I loved her too. I couldn't imagine what it's be like to grow up without at least one loving parent. Even my father cared for me to some extent, but imagining growing up with a mother that had the personality of my father ... I didn't want that and it was Ellie's reality.

I focused again and noticed that Eleanor had crumpled up the letter, staring at the door of my room, barely blinking, but breathing quickly. She was digging her nails into the palms of her hands.

"Ellie, Ellie, look at me", I said slowly, trying to get her attention, but she zoned out completely. I kneeled down in front of her, but it was like she was looking right through me, as if her eyes were looking, but she couldn't see.

"Ellie, don't listen to her, okay? You know what she's like. She's a vile, selfish woman and none of what she wrote is true, okay?" Eleanor didn't respond.

"She's the one to blame. No one would have found out if she didn't go to the Dark Lord. This is all on her, not on you." Still nothing.

"Ellie, please talk to me, please." My words weren't getting through to her, so I just pressed my lips on her, hoping that that would bring her back to me.

When I pulled back, she blinked a few times, as if waking up from an intense dream.

"Hey, hey, Ellie, look at me", I said, very gently guiding her eyes to my face. "Those are lies, okay? Please don't listen to her. You're a beautiful soul. You're strong and you're intelligent and you stand up for what you believe in. You help others when they need it and you're not scared to put people in their place. People like you, Ellie, they respect you, because you're an amazing person. Don't let these people tell you otherwise."

Her shoulders drooped again and she looked down. I took her in my arms, wanting to do more, but not knowing what more I could do.

She needed to be in a loving environment. The people around her had broken her down and she needed some people to love her for her to mend again, for her to believe in her own self-worth again.

These moments made me really question our side. How could I support a side that treated people like this for absolutely no reason? Eleanor was a perfect girl for this side. She was pure-blooded, was respectful, had a long list of powerful ancestors and a cunning, determined character. She could wrap everyone around her finger in a heartbeat, even the Dark Lord, that's why she was a Slytherin.

And still, in just a few months, they had broken her down completely. She was not even seventeen yet.

"I love you, okay?" I whispered. "I love you so much and I'll love you forever."

"I love you soo", she whispered softly.

I gently picked her up and carried her to my bed. Laying her down and joining her soon after. She just laid there, looking up at the ceiling. I saw a broken girl, a confused one, a hurt one and I just didn't know what to do.

"Ellie?" I asked softly. "Do you remember when I said that beliefs didn't matter until you had to make a choice? I said that last summer, in the library at your house."

Ellie didn't respond, but I saw a flicker of recognition in her eyes.

"Well," I continued, "that night on the Astronomy tower, that was the moment I had to make my choice." She looked to the side, which relieved me greatly. She was still listening to me.

"And what exactly did you choose?" she asked, her voice very quiet, but somehow still strong.

"Many things", I sighed, gently pulling her to my side. I smiled as she put her head on my chest, one arm around my waist. "I chose not to be a murderer. I chose not to become someone I wasn't. Maybe I chose not to fully support the Dark Lord anymore."

Eleanor hummed softly, her eyes still very distant, as if her mind was in a completely different place, far away from here, in a place where she actually wanted to be.

"What would you choose?" I asked carefully. She thought about that for a while, a slight frown on her face.

"I don't know", she whispered. "I hate these people, I hate all of them. I hate them for judging me and for not letting me be a normal sixteen-year-old and for not letting me make mistakes and for hurting others and for putting so much pressure on us all the time. I'm trying my best, I just can't do this, I lost everything and I didn't mean to."

"Hey, it's okay", I whispered as I noticed that she got worked up again. I rubbed her arm, pressing a kiss on her forehead. She quickly calmed down and then it got quiet again. I missed her continuous smart mouth, our arguments and her clever remarks. I missed the warmth of her fire.

"Do you really hate all of them?" I chuckled, pushing some hair out of her face.

"Almost", she whispered, wrapping a second arm around my waist. I smiled and kissed her softly. She was still there, not completely gone. I could and would get her back.

"Does it still hurt?" she asked after a while, her finger tracing the Dark Mark that painted my skin.

"Not much anymore, luckily. It stopped hurting a few days ago. When you and I were no longer a secret." It was the only good thing to come out of the recent events. I didn't have to hide my relationship with Eleanor anymore and because I was not working against the Dark Lord anymore because of it, the mark stopped hurting.

"That's good", she whispered. "That's good."