There's a difference between being liked and being valued. A lot of people like you, not many value you. Be valued.

- Pritesh Lad

"Can you zip me up?" I asked Daphne as I had put on the dress for tonight's party.

"Sure", Daphne mumbled, putting in some earrings. I sucked in as she zipped up the dress in the back.

"What would your mother say about you not wearing a corset dress to a formal gathering?" Daphne chuckled.

"Well quite honestly, my mother can sod off, the stupid cow", I sneered. I never had a good relationship with her, but this summer had taken it to a whole new level and even though I hadn't seen her for four months, the negative feelings hadn't faded one bit. I'd be going home again tomorrow. I was not looking forward to it.

"That's the spirit", Daphne laughed. I put in some sparkly earrings and a silver necklace with small ruby stones. I found the necklace Adrian had given me when looking for one to match this outfit. I wasn't quite sure what to do with it yet. I wasn't sure why I had held onto it either. I hadn't seen or really thought about him since I last saw him at Hogwarts last year. I wondered if his mother had let him back into the house.

"I aspire to be as beautiful as you one day", Tracey sighed, putting her head on my shoulder as she admired my reflection in the mirror. I smiled at the compliment. I did look pretty tonight. Tracey had done my hair up in a bun, a few strands of hair still framing my face. I had put on some light make up and my favourite perfume. And I wore a dress I had picked out myself when going shopping last Christmas. It was bright red and reached above the knee. The side of the top was decorated with embroidered flowers in the same colour and the V-neckline made my necklace shine. The skirt was stiff, but not tight, allowing me to walk freely.

"Please, Tracey, you're a gorgeous woman", I said, pulling her in front of the mirror. Her hair fell loose around her shoulders and her mint green dress was very flattering to her light skin tone. "Blaise is one lucky guy."

"I know, right?" she smirked, twirling around.

"Well, let's go, shall we?" Daphne said. I debated on bringing a jacket to battle the cold December air in the castle, but it would ruin the outfit. Beauty is pain.

"I'll see you both at the party, okay?" Tracey said as she had spotted Blaise on one of the couches in the common room. Before we could respond, she had already reached her date and I could see his eyes lit up as he noticed her presence. I couldn't hear their conversation, but I could imagine Blaise telling her how beautiful she looked. It hurt a little bit.

"Come on, let's go", Daphne said, knowing what I was thinking. I pushed the sad thoughts away and made my way across the common room. I felt the stares burn in my back. Everyone knew about the Slug Club, although very few were actually part of it. The jealousy it incited was probably the only enjoyable aspect of it. Although, I felt like I didn't want people to be jealous of me at this point. Most were already scared, I could do with less negative emotions right now.

"Oh, I'm sorry", I said as my daydream caused me to almost bump into someone on my way out. There was no response, but the person in question didn't move either. I looked up to see that Draco was the person in front of me, of course.

"Don't be", he said softly and I could feel him stare at me. He was barely a foot away and my body ached for his touch, his lips on mine. I hadn't kissed him since halfway October, which was over two months ago.

"Excuse me", I said and walked past him, a really sad feeling consuming me. I missed him so terribly.

"You look beautiful", he said as I walked away, and I forced myself to keep walking.

"Are you okay?" Daphne asked when he was out of hearing distance.

"Yes, don't worry", I said, putting up a smile again.

"I know you, Lea. I know that you're not. I know that you miss being with him. Why don't you just tell me what's going on with you two?"

"Because it's not important and I'd rather leave it in the past, where it is supposed to be", I sighed. I hated talking about it. It meant that I had to think about it and the more I thought about it, the worse I felt.

"Come on, Lea, you know damn well that it is important. You love the boy, don't pretend that you don't because it's easier."

I took a deep breath. Did I love him? Yes, I did and I think I had already loved him for quite a while. I had never told him that, but I knew that it was true.

"I'm not pretending I'm not", I said.

"Well, then why can't you just be together again? You know he loves you too. Did you see the way he just looked at you? You're everything to him, Lea. Why don't you just work it out?" she said. I knew she meant well, but it simply wasn't that easy. We couldn't just work this out.

Did Draco love me, genuinely? If he did, then he had an odd way of showing it. Something inside me definitely wanted to work it out, but I wouldn't let myself. He was the one who didn't put effort into this relationship. He had ignored me since my birthday. He canceled our one date and he didn't try to make amends afterwards.

I was not going to be that girl. I had drawn a line and he had crossed it. I had justified enough scars because the one I loved held the knife. It was time for me to heal, even if it meant hurting a little bit more.

"Because although not being with him is painful, I know that being with him right now would be unbearable." It'd be more waiting for something that would never happen, waiting for someone. It was holding onto hope when there was none and feeling like I was sitting on a sinking ship.

"I'm a strong woman, Daphne. I'm fine on my own."

I had to see her again. I needed to see her again. I knew that she was safer without me around, but she looked so beautiful tonight, I just had to.

I did this to protect her, to make sure she was safe, but it was agonizing. The way she had started to accept it, it felt as if she was slipping away from me a bit more every day. I knew that I was the one who was pushing her away, but I had to. I had to get this task over with and I had to do it without her.

But I missed her smile. I remembered the summer days so well. She would smile every time she saw me, at least when we weren't at Malfoy Manor. She smiled constantly about the smallest things. And I did too. She made me smile, more than I had ever done in my whole life. She made me happy.

And now, when she looked at me, she didn't smile, she looked sad even and it was because of me. It pained me, even though I knew that she would be in so much more pain with me around. Eventually someone would find out, either Snape or Bellatrix or Lord Voldemort. The Christmas holidays were starting tomorrow and I'd have to be around them again. I'd have to put up a convincing act.

The Christmas holidays. I supposed there was no Christmas brunch this time. But I'd still see her and I'd have to act like I hated her. Lord Voldemort could not find out that we were lying to him. It'd be the end of the both of us. But I felt my heart breaking at the mere thought of having to be mean to her. At this point the end seemed much more appealing than that.

It was safer for her to actually dislike being around me, and I felt like I was doing quite a good job at achieving that. She had to hate me to stay alive and I was just helping her by killing myself a little bit every day.

"What are you doing here, boy?" I heard and in a swift moment, Filch had grabbed me by my collar and was dragging me through the hallway. I hadn't realised that I had walked all the way to the sixth floor, where I knew she would be.

"I- I was invited to the party", I lied as he kept on dragging me through the hallway.

"Professor Slughorn's party? I highly doubt it", he huffed.

"Take your hands off me, you filthy Squib", I protested as he dragged me into Slughorn's office. The voices around me died down and I could feel eyes staring me down. I saw a flash of red as I pulled myself from Filch's grip.

"Professor Sluhorn, sir," he said, "I just discovered this boy lurking in an upstairs corridor. He claims to have been invited to your party." For a short second I debated on telling him that I was Eleanor's date, hoping she would help me out, but there were too many people around, people that might be connected to the Dark Lord.

"Okay, okay, I was gate-crashing", I lied eventually. I couldn't tell them I was here just to see her. "Happy?"

I locked eyes with her for a single moment. Her lips were parted slightly and her eyes sparkled in the light of the chandeliers. She was so beautiful. But then professor Snape appeared and I forced myself to look away. I had to.

"I'll escort him out", he said, staring at me intensely. I knew another lecture about the Unbreakable Vow was following, but at least I could get out of this awkward situation. I looked at her one more time before leaving. She was still looking at me too.

I missed her. I missed her lips on mine and her hands around my neck and her hazel eyes twinkling when I complimented her. I missed our conversations in her garden and her snappy remarks and the way she hummed softly as I played with her hair.

I missed all of her.

My breathing picked up slightly as his silver eyes turned away from me. I didn't know what to do. This was all so overwhelming and it felt like the right and wrong thing to do at every moment.

"Daphne, can we step out and talk for a bit?" I asked. I didn't usually talk about things like this, but I needed to. I had to talk to someone.

"Of course", Daphne said, picking up on the urgency in my voice. She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the private balcony in the back of the room.

"So, how are you feeling?" Daphne asked as she had locked the door to the balcony. She cast the Silencio spell to be sure.

"Please cast the warming charm, I didn't bring my wand", I shivered in the December air. Daphne chuckled, casting Focillo.

"I'm fine, really, nothing life-threatening", I sighed. "I just don't know how to handle this situation with Draco."

"Well, I'd love to give you my advice, but you're going to have to tell me what caused this situation." I sat down on the stone bench in the corner and took a deep breath. I had kept Tracey and Daphne in the dark for most of it and I still couldn't be completely honest, but I could tell her some of it.

"Please don't be upset, but I can't tell you every detail, but I would if I could", I said.

"I understand", she smiled, taking my hand. It was difficult to say it out loud. It was all just too much for me.

"Draco has been given a task by Lord Voldemort and he asked me to keep an eye on him and update him on how Draco is doing."

"Why you? You're not going to throw him under the bus", Daphne frowned.

"I won't, but he doesn't know that. At Malfoy Manor, everyone except for Draco's mother and mine thinks we still hate each other. So Lord Voldemort trusted me with the task because he thinks I'll be very critical about the situation."

"So you've fooled the Dark Lord? Merlin Eleanor, what did you get yourself into?" Daphne blinked a couple of times.

"I know, but it seemed like the best thing to do at that point. If Draco were to fail, the Dark Lord would most likely use me as a punishment if he knew about us. He already took away his father and she won't touch Narcissa as she's Bellatrix's sister", I sighed. It really was a mess.

"You're right, I understand why you did it."

"But now Draco has been avoiding me because the Dark Lord can't find out that we're lying."

"But, he's not here. Aren't you safe here?" Daphne asked.

"That's what I told him. The only one close to the Dark Lord at Hogwarts is professor Snape."

"Snape is a Death Eater?" Daphne said shocked. Right, that was not a commonly known fact amongst most people.

"You can't tell anyone, Daphne, really."

"I won't, I won't", she reassured. "But why are you and Draco not together anymore?"

I fiddled with the hem of my dress. Just thinking about him made my heart ache. What was he doing here tonight? And why didn't the effect he had on me fade one bit?

"I was just not happy in what our relationship had become. We barely saw each other, he constantly blew me off to work on his task and we always had to be careful. I didn't want that anymore", I shrugged. It was still true, I didn't want that, I deserved better than that, but I did want him.

"And are you happy now?" Daphne asked gently. I thought about that for a while. I wanted to say no, but I had to look at it realistically. It had only been a few months.

"No, I'm not really happy at the moment", I said. "But I believe that it'll get better at some point. It has to."

It was quiet for a long time. I scanned the sky. It was very clear out, causing the stars to shine brightly. Sagittarius, Taurus, Ursa Major and somewhere out there, Draco.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Lea, getting over him is not going to be easy, but I do believe that you should try. If you can't, then you can always try to mend what's broken, but you're right that you deserve better than what he can offer at this moment."

I knew she was right, but what wasn't the question. The question was how?

"I just worry about him so much." My voice shook slightly. "He doesn't eat well, he doesn't sleep well, he's skipping classes and misses deadlines. I just want him to be okay and it's so frustrating that he does not accept my help." Daphne pulled me into a hug as she noticed that I was getting worked up. She really was a good friend.

"You know how Draco is, he's incredibly stubborn", she chuckled. It was true, but not in this situation. He wasn't doing this because he was stubborn.

"He feels like he has to prove himself, like he has to show them that he's not just the son of Lucius Malfoy, that he himself is also powerful, also smart and ... not a failure." I hadn't ever said it out loud, but I knew it was true. Ever since Lucius failed to retrieve Harry's prophecy, their family name had been smeared. Draco felt like he alone had to make things right, like it was his responsibility. But he was just sixteen.

"Draco loves you, Lea", Daphne said. "He'll come around at some point, I know he will and judging the way he looked at you today, it won't be that long. But it's something he has to decide, you can't force him to change his mindset. Until then you just need to prioritize your happiness, do things that you enjoy. I know it's difficult, but you're a strong woman, Lea. If anyone can do this, it's you."

I pulled her into a hug again. Those weren't new words to me, but I needed someone to say them out loud and Daphne did so perfectly. I had no control over this situation. I just had to let it pass by and make the most of it.

"Please tell me you'll be at the Ministry's Christmas ball this year. I can't do it without you", I chuckled.

"Wouldn't want to miss it."

https://pin.it/KoLepB5