My dear, the problem is that you love him so much that you would allow him to drag you all the way to Hell if it meant you could hold his hand on the way down.

- NoddingPeonies

I had configured four plans in my head over the following few days, but three of them were either too risky or simply impossible.

I first wanted to figure out how to get into the Room of Requirement so I could go in there before Draco arrived and hide, but after many hours of research in the library, I learned that one can not open the Room of Requirement if someone else is in there. Moreover, I had to picture the thing I desired in order for it to appear, and I had no idea what this room was that Draco kept hiding in.

Next I very briefly explored the option to use the disillusionment charm and slip in after Draco, but that would for sure get me caught. The disillusionment charm made me blend into the background, but it didn't make me invisible. Therefore, brisk movements would mess with the charm, making the option impossible.

My next idea was to get my hands on an invisibility cloak, but since Potter was the only one who I knew that owned one, that was off the table too. Not only would he never let me borrow it, I couldn't bribe him with money either and never in the world would I ask a favor from Harry bloody Potter.

So there was only one option left and that was to teach myself the invisibility spell. It was quite a tricky one, though, so I had to delay my plans for a couple days, giving me the time to thoroughly research and practice the spell.

"Lea? Draco is in the common room, asking if you're coming to do patrol", Daphne said, her head popping into our dorm room. I checked my watch, noticing that it was already a quarter past ten.

"Oh, I lost track of time", I said, putting the book away. Draco was waiting for me? He hadn't done patrol in weeks, always leaving me on my own. I didn't feel any pity anymore, just anger. For sure he thought that another apology would help him out again, but I was not planning on letting that happen. He was the one ignoring me, not trusting me, he should pay the price.

I grabbed my coat and undid my hair as the ponytail was starting to hurt my scalp. I massaged it shortly before putting on some deodorant and walking out. Draco was indeed waiting at the exit of the common room, reading some piece of parchment, but he could wait there for hours if it was up to me. I passed him, not sparing him a single glance. He had treated me terribly and I wouldn't allow it.

He noticed though, and soon, I heard his footsteps behind me.

"Are you still angry at me for canceling our date?" he asked. I rolled my eyes. I hated men. Of course I was still angry about that, how could I not be? I had looked forward to it for days and he cancelled it to pursue this ridiculous plan that would only get him caught. If he had just gone on that stupid date with me we'd both be fine and so would Katie Bell.

"You're ignoring me now?" he said, catching up to me.

"Excuse me?" I huffed. "Where do you find the audacity to accuse me of ignoring you after how you've been acting." Draco sighed and took my arm, making me stop walking. I pulled myself out of his grip, well aware of the annoyed, petty look on my face, but I didn't care.

"I wouldn't have cancelled if it wasn't important, you have to believe me", he said.

"Important? I know you cursed Katie Bell that day, Draco", I crossed my arms. He looked up surprised, only confirming my suspicions.

"I didn't", he said, but his retort sounded weak.

"Bloody hell, it's no rocket science Draco. It was meant for Dumbledore, I heard the rumours. Don't you lie to me." Draco looked down, biting his lip, clearly uncomfortable. He wouldn't be in this position if he had just told me from the start.

"Thank you for trusting me with things like that, by the way", I said sarcastically. "I'm sure you did fine, all on your own." I wanted to comment on the fact that he had trusted Crabbe and Goyle, but I couldn't yet. I couldn't let him find out that I had followed them. I needed to find out first what he was doing because he sure as hell wasn't going to tell me.

"I do trust you, Ellie, I-"

"That's bullshit, Draco!" I shouted, not caring if anyone heard. "If you trusted me you would have told me! If you don't want my help, fine, but keeping me in the dark like this just shows that you don't care about me like I thought you did!"

"That's not true, Ellie, you know I love you."

I had my next retort ready, but the words seemed to dry up in my mouth as I heard him say that. You know I love you. I stared at him for a while and I saw that he just now realised what he had said.

"You love me?" I asked, my voice a mere whisper. It was quiet for a while, until he regained his posture, still not looking me in the eyes, but getting rid of the awkward attitude.

"No", he said. "It's just a figure of speech, you know what I mean." I felt pain in my chest when hearing those words. I wasn't sure if he meant it or not, but the fact that he took it back so quickly told me enough. He didn't say "I don't know" or "maybe", he just said "no".

"I'm sick and tired of this, Draco. Either you tell me what's going on and you let me be a part of your life, or you don't and it ends here. I'm tired of worrying if you're okay, wondering whether you're in trouble or not and being so damn frustrated that you're not allowing me to help you in any way! I know that you don't like to label what we have, but it was something and the way you've been treating me is not right!"

"You shouldn't worry about me, Ellie, I-"

"Then stop putting me in a position where I'm supposed to worry, Draco! You told me that you wanted to be with me. Well this is not what that means! So if you're planning on continuing like this, just leave me alone."

Draco didn't say anything for a long time as he clearly didn't know what to say. I knew that some part of me felt bad for him, as he was just lost and insecure, but I couldn't keep this up anymore. He clearly didn't want my support. I was tired of constantly getting hurt because he didn't want to get me involved. I was already involved. The only logical thing for me to do was to help him achieve his goals, but he wasn't allowing me to do so.

You can't help someone who doesn't want your help.

"This is just something I have to do alone, I have to", he said eventually.

"Then I guess you made your choice." I turned around and walked away. I didn't feel as sad as I had often felt after such an encounter with Draco, because I knew that for the moment I was making the right decision. It was apparent that the situation wasn't going to change anytime soon and if I couldn't do anything about it, then it was best for my own sanity to leave the table.

Did I love Draco Malfoy? I think I used to, but I wasn't so sure anymore.

It was better this way, as much as it hurt. I couldn't give her what she wanted for now and it was unfair of me to keep her trapped in this in-between.

I just had to keep faith that when this all was over, she'd still have some feelings left for me.

But then again, what future was there for us? We had the Dark Lord fooled that we couldn't stand each other. At first it had seemed like the best solution to keep Eleanor safe, and it still was, but he had used it to give her a task as well. If he found out that we'd been lying to him, she'd be off much worse.

We'd have to play pretend to fall in love over the summer and maybe, maybe then we'd be saved. But Eleanor didn't want anything to do with Lord Voldemort's side. She put up a remarkable act around my aunt and the other Death Eaters, but I had experienced her doubts from the very beginning. She didn't want this and if our side would win, I knew that she'd like to blend into the background as much as possible. She didn't want to be part of this inner circle and as long as she stayed with me, she would be.

So maybe it was better this way. She could easily find someone else. There were many boys who had a crush on her. If she could catch feelings for me, sure she could catch those for someone else. They were all much more decent than I was.

I doubted if I would ever find someone I cared as much for, but it didn't matter. If I really loved her then I had to stop being selfish. I had to let her go.

Love, did I love Eleanor? I had quickly responded that I didn't, but I wasn't quite sure of that. I hadn't treated her like she should be treated, but I did that because I loved her, right?

I didn't know what to do. I was so happy this summer, finally. Never had I felt as complete as I felt during that single week we got to spend together. She taught me how to produce a Patronus, she believed in me. But then life got in the way. I got this task and I had to complete it. I had no choice. I had never had a choice.

We do have a choice, we just don't get to act on it, I had said to Eleanor. She asked me what I would choose if there were no restrictions and I hadn't given her an answer. But I did have one. I would choose whatever option had the outcome of getting away from this, to run away with her, but there was no way that I, a sixteen-year-old could get away from all of this whilst being so close to it, in the middle of a war.

I had no choice.