"You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain."

- Emilie Autumn

All the emotions were nicely bottled up again by the time we reached the castle. I had wiped away the silly tear before Tracey could see it and shrugged.

Draco was just a stupid boy, I was not going to let him get to me. I would get excellent O.W.L. grades, become Head Girl, graduate Hogwarts with the highest honors and get an important job at the Ministry somewhere. I'd marry someone my parents approved of and once I moved out of Selwyn Keep, I would never have to see Draco Malfoy ever again.

So when Daphne stormed into the room, excitedly exclaiming that her and Malfoy had kissed, I smiled and hugged her. Draco was her dream and I had much bigger dreams.

"I'm so happy for you", I said and squeezed her a little tighter. Tracey joined the hug and we just stood there for a while. Everything would be just fine.

"How about we celebrate after supper with some Butterbeers and snacks", Daphne said, wiggling her eyebrows.

"Sure. I'm not very hungry, so I'm going to take a bath during supper and I'll go by the kitchens when I get back, okay?" I said. I was actually hungry, but I just didn't feel like watching Draco and Daphne be together just yet. I could pretend to be completely fine, but not when they were rubbing it in my face.

So as they went to supper, I went to the prefect's bathroom again. It had helped last time, so why not this time?

I spent a good hour in the large bath that was more like a swimming pool really. Not even my bathroom at home could compare to this. When I got out, my fingers were all wrinkly and my cheeks flushed from the steam.

I dried myself off and slipped into some trousers and a shirt, using multiple spells to tame the mess that was my hair. I felt a little better, but I knew this would take some time. But I could do this. I was Eleanor Selwyn, I was better than all of this.

I walked out of the bathroom and closed the door behind me. When I turned back around, two silver eyes were staring at me intensely.

"You're avoiding me", Malfoy said, just a foot away from me. He pushed some of my wet hair out of my face and I turned my head away from his movement. This was not going to happen.

"Isn't that exactly what you wanted, Malfoy?" I sighed, wanting to take a step back, but the door was in my way.

"Yeah, not anymore", he said softly, his finger tracing my jawline before cupping my chin and pulling me closer to him. His lips grazed mine, but I was not going to allow him to do that, not anymore.

"Stop it!" I said and pushed him away from me. He didn't seem very surprised, as if he had expected my reaction.

"Why?" he said, each hand on another side of the doorway so I had nowhere to go. He was trying to get me to that weak puppy state again and I was not having it. I was not going to let this arse mess with me like that. He had made his decision so now it was my turn to make mine.

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself?!" I yelled at him. No one was around, but I wouldn't even care if someone heard. "You went on a date with Daphne, you kissed her for Merlin's sake and now you think you can just come running back like that?"

He rolled his eyes, only infuriating me even more.

"You and I both know that Daphne doesn't mean anything to me", he said.

"That makes it even worse!" I couldn't believe this bloke. Did he honestly not see the problem? "Why are you leading her on, then? Give me one good reason why!" He didn't say anything, he just stared as if the answer was written on my face.

"What do you want from me, Malfoy? I thought you didn't need me anymore", I sighed, trying to push him out of the way.

"You know perfectly well what I want, Selwyn"!" he said, a little louder now. Malfoy rarely raised his voice, nor did he show that something got to him in any way. But as soon as the breeze of anger had come, it was gone again. He was back to his calm and collected self. He sighed and looked down.

"You know what I want, Selwyn", he said softly, putting a finger under my chin and lifting it up so I had to look at him. "And I know you want it too." I had to resist. I had to stay strong. I was Eleanor Selwyn and I didn't want to be his little side-piece. It hurted too much.

"No, that's absolutely not what I want", I said and pushed away his hand.

"Then what do you want, Eleanor?" he whispered. I couldn't do this. I couldn't look into his eyes because he would just pull me back in. I was so pathetic.

"Just leave me alone", I said, avoiding eye contact.

"I know that's not what you want." He wrapped his fingers around my wrist to keep me from running away. I had to get out of here because I was breaking. I wanted him so badly, but all he did was hurt me and hurt Daphne. How many scars had I already justified because the one I cared for was holding the knife?

"You have no idea what I want", I stated. I pulled my wrist from his grip and pushed past him roughly, forcing my feet to move away from him, to not let him do that to me. It's like I wanted him to know how I felt, but I didn't want to tell him.

"Then tell me what you want!" he yelled.

And I broke.

"Stop it! Just leave me alone!" I yelled at him, not caring about who heard. My hands shook slightly and my body was feeling the effect of not sleeping well for days. It had been a rough week, a rough day especially and I couldn't add this onto it. I had bottled up the feelings this afternoon and now I was full. I couldn't take more.

In just a second, he was in front of me again.

"Come on, Ellie, you know that this is different", he said, a slight smile on his lips. He enjoyed playing this little game. But it wasn't a game to me.

"Why? Why should I be around to be your little backup plan? Can't Daphne satisfy you?"

He didn't say anything, he just brought his hand up to my cheek again and I felt so much pain. Why was he playing with my feelings like this? And why did I let him? Why did I feel so ... weak?

There was something off about her. She wasn't the Eleanor I knew. She was shaking, avoiding eye contact, flinching at every touch. Why?

I knew I had told her I could find someone else, but Daphne just wasn't the same. Eleanor and I just had an attraction that couldn't be denied, nor topped.

And I knew she wanted me too.

I brought my hand to her face and gently brushed her cheek. She really was beautiful.

"Just stop it, Malfoy, please", she said and then she looked up. And I saw something I hadn't ever seen before. She had tears in her eyes.

What had happened?

"What's wrong?" I asked. "I know it's not Daphne." She looked away and I knew she had seen worry in my eyes, because that's what she hated. She hated nothing more than people feeling bad for her, pitying her. But I couldn't help but worry about her. She never cried. Not when I insulted her, not when I had injured her arm and not even when she found out about Pucey's bet. What had I done to make her cry?

"Please don't cry", I whispered. I didn't know why, but I hated seeing her cry. It made me feel things I was unfamiliar with.

She took a step back and wiped away the tears, blinking them out of her eyes. She took a deep breath and clenched her jaw. There was Eleanor Selwyn again. And the chilly wind that breezed through the hallways, in between us, made it so obvious that she wasn't where I wanted her to be. She wasn't close to me.

"I don't want this anymore, Draco", she stated, shaking her head. "I can't sneak around and act as if it doesn't mean anything." Her last words were very quiet and she sounded so tired. "It hurts too much", she said.

"What do you mean? Just tell me what you want." And then she let out a shaky breath and spoke words I had never imagined her to say to me.

"You don't get it, do you?" she shouted at me, her voice slightly desperate. "I want you to kiss me, without any adrenaline involved. I want you to kiss me, not out of an impulse, but just because you want to. I want you to stop looking at me like someone you have to beat, but like someone you appreciate. I want you to not run to Daphne every chance you get. I want you to stop hurting the both of us."

I didn't know what to say. I had not expected that and I had a bit of trouble processing that information.

"And most of all," she said, her voice strong and self-assured again. "If you can't do that, I want you to stay the hell away from me."

And with those words, she left.

I couldn't be strong anymore. I wasn't strong. I was a mess and I was tired of pretending that I wasn't.

I was crying and I felt so incredibly weak for doing so. I hadn't cried in so long and it felt so unnatural, but I couldn't stop. I tried to wipe them all away, but there were always new ones to replace them.

I couldn't cry over Draco Malfoy. It was weak, it was for children. Selwyns don't cry.

But I wasn't really a Selwyn, was I? I wasn't strong enough, I didn't share the same beliefs and I couldn't keep pushing myself into a mold that didn't fit. I wasn't like my parents, I wasn't good enough. I was weak and pathetic.

I cried.

"Eleanor?"

I looked up to see Benjamin's surprised face. Luckily he was all alone. I didn't want anyone to see me cry.

"I'm fine", I said, wiping my face once again, looking down so he couldn't see the damage. "Just got some bad news, that's all." I forced a smile and turned around to go back to the prefect's bathroom to freshen up. But as soon as I saw the door, I froze. Draco was gone, but it felt as if he was still there, as if he was still keeping me trapped in the doorway.

Benjamin was by my side again, but he didn't say anything. He just wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. And I started crying again.

"It's all going to be okay", he murmured, stroking my hair soothingly, tightening his grip. And I just let go. I couldn't be around Tracey and Daphne right now and I realised that I didn't really have any other friends. It was pathetic.

But I had Benjamin, and he was perfect now.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked once I had finally calmed down.

"Not really", I mumbled. I just wanted to forget about it and finish this year. But then again, I had no idea what was waiting for me over summer. There really weren't many good things in my life right now.

"I'm just going to go get some sleep", I said, letting go of him. "But thank you, I really appreciate it."

"No problem. You can talk to me about anything, okay?" he said.

"I know", I mumbled.

I walked around the hallways for a while longer until the redness and puffiness of my face had subdued. After that I washed my face in the girl's bathroom in the dungeons and made my way back to my dorm. I didn't bring Butterbeers, but I didn't really care.

"Lea, finally! We thought you had drowned", Tracey exclaimed as I came in. I didn't want them to ask questions. I just wanted to sleep.

"I'm sorry girls, but not tonight", I said and laid down in my bed, pulling the covers up as high as I could.

Not today.