He's in my head.

That means, that for the rest of the day I won't be able to concentrate on anything but him. That asshole. He's interfering with my schoolwork and he's not even trying.

I watch my physics teacher's mouth move, not listening to what's coming out of it, for the rest of the period. It's last period, so when the bell rings, startling me, I almost jump with joy.

"Yo, Marn," Cole says as he stands up. "You okay, dude? You looked possessed that full period."

I rub my temples. "I'm good, just distracted."

He wiggles his eyebrows. "Wonder why. Thinking about Zeke's- Owe!" I kick him in the shins before he can finish.

"No, I wasn't. I was thinking about the drug thing," I say quietly.

He rubs his shins, a look of pain on his face. "Oh, well he doesn't do it anymore."

"I know that, but why did he do it in the first place?"

"Sanders, Jones; get out of my class please," Ms. Smith says. I realise that we're the only ones still here.

"Geez, Lesley, we're goin'." Cole waves her off and we walk out before she can say anything about him calling her by her first name.

"So, about Zeke," I say as we walk down the corridor.

"Yes, yes, about Zeke," he smirks.

"Stop doing that," I push his shoulder.

"I'm not doing anything."

"You are. You're acting as if we have something going on."

He shakes his head, "Marn, for someone as smart as you, you're a fucking idiot."

"What are you talking about?" I roll my eyes.

"Hold on," he takes his phone from his pocket and holds it to his ear. "Hey, babe," he says into it.

It must be Zoey. So far, their relationship has been going great. They have no problems and never argue, unless it's over something stupid and it's not even a real argument. I wish Zeke and I could have a friendship like that.

"Why tonight?" He says. "Okay... Sure... Okay, love you."

Holy crap. They're already saying they love each other. Why didn't Zoey tell me?

"You and Zoey have already dropped the L-bomb?" I ask him.

"What?" Zoey appears beside us. She gives Cole a confused look.

"What?" Cole gives the same look Zoey's giving him to me.

"Wait... Who were you talking to?" I ask, giving him the confused look back.

"Zeke,"

"Oh," I laugh. I should have saw that coming.

"I'm starting to get jealous of your bromance with him," Zoey says, putting her arms around his torso.

"Don't be, you're my number one baby. He's number two," Cole pecks her lips.

I smile at how happy Zoey looks. I'm so glad she's found someone like Cole – he's perfect for her.

"I'll meet you at your car," I tell Zoey. It's kind of awkward standing here, watching them get all cute.

When I emerge from the school and start walking towards Zoey's car, my eyes somehow land on Zeke, just before he goes behind another car to where his is. I want to talk to him. If I don't, i'll just keep thinking about what happened at lunch all night.

"Zeke," I say, getting his attention when I reach his car. He was opening his door, about to get in. He looks at me and steps back, sighing as if he knew i'd come looking for him and he didn't get away in time.

"Whatever you are going to say; don't."

"I just want to talk."

"I don't."

"I just want to know why you did it. I don't understand, Zeke. You're not that person."

"Yes I am." He closes his door and walks closer to me. "Don't you see? I am a bad person. I do bad things. Why can't you just accept that and stop trying to fix me?"

"I'm not trying to fix you, what the hell?"

"Yes you are. You want me to stop smoking and be nice to people. Well that's not me."

"Why didn't you get back at Jordan after what he did to Rachel?"

He chuckles coldly, "Wow. That dick really told you everything."

"Obviously he doesn't know everything."

He looks at me with a serious expression. "And it should stay that way."

"What do you mean?"

"Just go away, Marnie."

"No."

"Yes. I am fucking sick of you trying to get involved in my life. Just mind your own fucking business," his voice is raised and I feel a lump forming in my throat.

"I just want to help-"

"I don't need your fucking help!" His loud voice cuts my quiet one off. "We're completely different people. You know nothing about me, so stop acting like you do."

He knows that's not true – I know him better than most people do. I don't understand why he's being like this right now.

"If you feel this way, then why'd you even try to stop smoking in the first place?"

"Because I felt sorry for you."

I shake my head in disbelief. I hate it when people pity me because of what happened to my dad, and I never expected Zeke to be like that. "No. You want to be good. You want to stop. Why are you saying this?"

"There you go again fucking acting like you know shit. Just fucking shut up."

My head jerks backwards from the impact of his words, as if he had physically punched me. It feels like there is a knife in my throat as I try to hold back tears. I will not cry in front of him again.

"You need to stay away from me," he says, sternly.

I shake my head, fighting the tears.

"Yes. I don't want to know you anymore." He looks me straight in the eyes, showing no emotion on his face. "You were just my babysitter. But I don't need you anymore, so let's both move on with our lives."

He doesn't need me anymore. The tears spill from my eyes and my legs feel weak. Why does it hurt so much.

His face softens a little from the sight of my tears, but goes rock solid again. He looks a little relived to see me crying. As if he's achieved his goal, he turns around and goes to his car door.

"Zeke, p-please," I choke. I want to kick myself because of the pathetic sound that came from my mouth.

"Marnie," he says my name slowly. "Stay away."

I stand there crying as he gets in his car and pulls out of the parking spot, then drives away. I can't move. I feel like if I do, I'll fall. I'll fall on the ground and cry and I won't be able to stop. I want to think this is just another one of our arguments, but it was much more serious. He doesn't need me anymore. He doesn't want me.

I want him to want me. I don't want to go back to when I didn't know him. Everything Im feeling right now, it's ten times worse than what I felt when Mason cheated, but Zeke didn't cheat on me. We aren't dating. He's my friend who doesn't want me in his life anymore.

I can get over this, I can forget about him like i've done with everyone else who's shown me that they don't want me anymore. Zeke didn't show me though, he told me.

Although, I don't want to forget about him. I need him, even if he doesn't need me. I need to see his young baby smile everyday – the only link I have to the fragile, sad boy underneath his tough, untouchable act. I need him to show me how to do things that i'd never even thought of doing. I need him to show me how to be more reckless; how to stop overthinking everything. I need him to be that person I can call an asshole everyday. Shit, I need him.

I realise that I'm standing in the parking lot crying and shaking, and people are looking at me, but it doesn't matter. I don't care. I wish Zeke would come back and tell me he was kidding, that he wants me and i'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. I wish he'd hold me against his chest like the day Mason cheated. I feel like i've been through the worst breakup in my life. But how can I have been through a breakup with someone I was never even with?

"Marnie? Oh my god, are you okay?" Zoey grabs my shoulders. "What happened?"

All I do is shake my head. I can't get words out right now. Cole is there too, looking at me in a way as if he knows why I'm upset.

"Let's go, do you want to come to my house?"

I nod. I want the comfort of my best friend right now. She says goodbye to Cole and leads me to her car. I let my hair fall in front of my face so people can't see my hysterical expression.

On the ride to her house, I explain to Zoey about what Zeke said to me, leaving out that he dealt drugs and about his ex-girlfriend. He obviously doesn't want people to know.

"I just don't get it," Zoey says as she unlocks the front door and we walk into her house. "He's totally into you. Why would he just change all of a sudden?"

"He's not into me," I roll my eyes. I need to remind her of that every time we talk about Zeke.

"Yeah, yeah. But seriously, maybe he was just in a bad mood or something."

I shake my head. "I've seen him in bad moods. He was serious this time." I plop myself down on her living room couch with a sigh.

"What do you wanna watch?" She ask, sitting down beside me and picking up the TV remote.

"Nothing."

"Okay... You wanna order food?"

"Eating is so much effort."

She gasps. "You did not just say that." She grabs onto my shoulders and comes up close to my face. "Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?"

I push her hands off. "I just want to think."

"You're like really depressed over this, aren't you?"

"I am not depressed. I just want to sit here and think about how everything sucks and then roll into a hole and cry."

She raises her eyebrows. "You're crazy about him."

"I am not." When will she stop with this nonsense?

"Marnie, you're in denial. You think that you could never like Zeke because of who he is, but you do. You fucking love the guy, but you can't admit it to yourself."

"I'm not... I don't," my pulse quickens as I try to defend myself. "We're so different, it's impossible for me to like him."

"But you do."

"I don't."

"Marnie, think about it. I know this is hard for you because you have some serious issues, but it's time to face the facts."

"Really, Zoe. It's not like that. You think I like him just because we are friends. Guys and girls can be friends, you know. And because I think he's hot, of course I do. Everyone does."

"It's not that."

"Then what?"

"It's the way you talk about him. You speak of him as if he's the most amazing thing in the world; you call him an asshole meanwhile you're smiling and looking at him lovingly. He's the only person you pay attention to in a room full of people. When I look at you, your eyes are always on him. When he wasn't at school that one day, you looked bored and I could see the way you kept looking around as if he'd walk in the door at any second. You do all these things and you don't even realise it – you think you're just friends. You're not. You can't just be friends with someone you're in love with."

Zoey's lecture leaves me speechless. Is it possible for me to have a crush on Zeke? He's the opposite of me. Oh God. How could I have allowed myself to fall for him? I know he's a player, he doesn't care about girls' feelings.

"I like him," I whisper, more to myself.

"Finally! Hallelujah praise the lord!"

"No, no, no. This isn't good, Zoe. This just means that i'm vulnerable to him. He can hurt me and he will," I pause. "He already did."

"Forget about what he said today. Once he find out you're into him, he'll come running back and jump into your arms."

"No! He can't find out. He'll think i'm just another pathetic chick with a crush on him."

Zoey shakes her head. "I'll keep my mouth shut, but you can't keep these feelings to yourself. You won't just get over him – it's not as easy as that."

"I can try."

+++

yay, marnie finally admitted her feelings for Zeke, and it only took... 28 chapters

but that's one of the main points in the story. Marnie and Zeke are both very different, but they're also very alike in the way they think. When they realise they have feelings for each other, they both try to distance themselves from each other and try to make it go away because they don't want to be vulnerable to being hurt. They're both control freaks, and the thought of someone else having control over the way they feel terrifies them. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens ;)

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-emily