So It Began

The moment was all, the moment was enough

-Virginia Woolf

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whole week had passed with no trouble, Diana even went out on a date with Jonathan one chilly evening. They laughed, they kissed and they cried, she did not wish it any other way and through all that she did not feel quite right, Johnathan had this undying guilty look veiling his face. She thought that maybe it was because he thought that she wasn't enjoying the evening so she did and said everything she could to reassure him that their date was the best thing that had happened to her in a couple of weeks, "Its been a long while since we hung out, just the two of use and I'm loving every moment" She reassured him yet the look on his face only seemed to get more prominent.

However, today she didn't feel all too well since Johnathan left for his business trip all she could feel was unease and discomfort. Yesterday a dull throb began to grow in her stomach, It had made her nauseous and faint. She felt weak but she did everything in her power to not appear so in front of her husband, although right after he left she rushed like a bullet to the bathroom and dry heaved over the ceramic toilet seat, she felt like a crying, shaking mess on the bathroom floor. It just hurt too much for her to bear alone. All she could do was grab a bottle of pain killers and popped two in her mouth hoping that the pain will dull out. She bent down, pulled out her notebook and began to write.

August 25th, 2017

Jonathan left for a business trip to Tokyo earlier today, he had said it was a very important one so I did not pressure him to stay just for my sake. He said he would only be gone for the weekend anyway. So I just let him go. Besides, I can certainly use a day or two to myself. I can try out different things I've never done before like dye my hair or eat a bucket full of ice cream and pickles. It should be fun. All I must do is turn up the sound of the TV so I won't feel very lonely and my mind would not have peace and quiet to wander. But, Nutmeg is still with me so I guess I'm not completely alone in the house.

I had cried quite a bit though since John left earlier. I couldn't help it. My eyes were awash with tears and my limbs were a trembling mess. So I just cried until my eyes ran dry and my chest heaved violently with despair. I'm not over it, I say I am but I'm not. I never will be. There are so many things I have yet to see. I want kids. I want babies running around the house, I want to feel the maternal senses in me awaken, to see a young girl grow to be a woman and a boy to be a man as good and as noble as Jonathon. But, alas that isn't my lot and I must accept that. God has called for me and I shall go soon and accept my fate. I have stopped asking "Why me?" I have stopped raging at the sky when I'm alone. I'm just going to let it be. Fate does what it wants and unfortunately, I've fallen ill to the throes of its thrall.

There was a dull throb in my tummy all day yesterday which progressed into an ache in the middle of the night, Jonathan saw my discomfort and got a worried crease on his brow so I had to reassure him that they were only cramps from my monthly, and that seemed to calm his worries but not without giving me pain medication and my favorite heating pad. I love it when he's concerned. He gets all cute and worked up when he's worried about me. It lets me know that he still cares.

However, at one point when Jonathon wasn't home the pain became too much to bare. The pressure inside of me wasn't like a tangled knot but rather a ticking bomb. I just needed to let it explode! So I told Nutmeg, about everything. I know I promised myself to not tell anyone but I couldn't contain it much longer. Of course, he didn't understand a word I said but he still listened with his head cocked to the side and his ears gently flapping. It really did help to get it off my chest and surprisingly, it also helped with the pain.

I'm not sure what else to write about, my feelings have still yet to change, they remain the same about this situation. I tend to be a hardheaded, stubborn person when I set my mind on something and I'm not backing up on my plans at the moment.

I'm going to dye my hair a lovely dark shade of brown, to surprise Johnathan. I must admit I'm craving his gentle touches, his warm skin against my own is like a field of bliss. I only want him to long for me as much as I for him when he's gone, I want to be reassured that our love still burns bright, to be reminded of that flicker in his eyes whenever his gaze turns to mine.

Anyway, I'm ranting. I should probably head out to the salon before I miss my appointment.

-Diana Lewando

After her visit to the salon, she felt much better, prettier even. With a new hair style and change of makeup, she felt somewhat happier. She had gone out of her way to pick up two tubs of ice cream and a big jar of pickles on her way back home. A reckless combination of food that will surely upset her stomach but she already set her mind to it.

That night she sat with Nutmeg in front of the Tv, her eyes blurry with how close she was to it, she watched the pixels rush around the screen In a discombobulated blur. She ate until she was bloated with junk food. At first, her appetite wasn't quite there but once she began to shovel down the food, there was no going back and her poor stomach could do nothing more but accept it.