Hi Ben,

I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry for everything, really. We've been fighting so, so much these days and I don't like that. I've finally accepted that things aren't going to the same between us, and we've changed, but that doesn't mean the change has to be bad, right? This isn't how we're supposed to deal with stuff. Fighting and swearing and just general unpleasantness. Mostly on my part, to be honest. I flew off the handle for no reason and that was completely uncalled for. I miss you and I didn't mean what I said - I don't want you to leave me. You already know what I'm like when I'm angry. (I mean, I slammed a book on your face barely five minutes into meeting you!)

So yeah. I've got to go now. Essays to finish! *sigh*

Love you,

"So, Ridley, seeing anyone?" Christopher questions with a suggestive wiggle of his perfectly plucked eyebrows. Ridley smiles and shakes her head, chuckling at the very idea.

Relationships? No, she decides, she's kind of over it. Sawyer, although very insignificant to her current life, has left Ridley with a bitter aftertaste of what relationships really feel like. She's not sure she wants all of that anymore. She's nineteen years old and isn't getting any younger. There's no way she'll find her Gilbert Blythe, ever, and suddenly, the thought leaves her with a dull, lonely ache in her heart and she suddenly thinks of Ben again. Oh stop it, she scolds herself.

"You know, I really pegged you for a huge romantic," Christopher continues with a small twinkle in his pretty blue eyes. They aren't the same shade as Ben's-not that it is even relevant-but they still make Ridley feel quite at home in this big, intimidating new world they all call University.

"Really?" Ridley fakes a laugh. "What gave you that impression?"

"Oh, you being an English student and all." Christopher shrugs. "Yeah, I know, that's a bit of an annoying stereotype. But you're gorgeous! Why aren't you seeing anyone?"

"I..." Ridley shrugs, although smiling at Christopher's compliment. "I don't really have the time."

Christopher rolls his eyes. "Like I haven't heard that one before." He props his elbows on the table and tilts his head slightly, observing her with his cool, intelligent eyes. "Yep." He nods. "You're definitely a closeted romantic. I just get those vibes from you, you know what I mean? So, are you one of those crazy Jane Austen fans? I bet you secretly have one of those lists that are filled with expectations for your perfect dream boy. Isn't it?" He stares intently at her and Ridley squirms, thinking about that one time she'd made a 'Things to expect from my Gilbert Blythe' list. It was awful and she'd immediately ripped it up afterwards, thinking it very silly and childish. Upon seeing her face flush, Christopher slams his hand down on the table and roars with laughter. "I knew it!" he yells gleefully.

He's still giggling and teasing her when Delilah, or Dee as she forces everyone to call her, slides into the table booth with three cups of steaming hot cocoas. Ridley shoots her a look of plea and Dee glances sharply at Christopher who is now pinching his nose in an attempt to control himself.

"Stop teasing the poor girl, Chrissy," Dee snaps with the faint trace of a Scottish lilt in her accent. Although Ridley hasn't found her Gilbert Blythe just yet, she can safely say Dee is her very own Diana Barry, her sister soul mate. She had initially been hesitant about sharing a room with another girl, knowing her past experiences with other females hadn't exactly been the greatest, but Dee had been quick to win her over as she greeted her with a hug the very first time they laid eyes on each other.

Dee has very smooth caramel skin, and rare violet eyes, but her corkscrew curls are what really define her beauty. Ridley has always had a great appreciation for beautiful hair but Dee's is something else altogether.

"I can't help it!" Christopher cries in self-defence, which brings Ridley out of her thoughts. "And you don't really mind, do you Ridsie?"

"Ridsie?" Dee crinkles her nose in disgust. "You're rubbish with nicknames. Just stop, Christopher."

"Oh, I've had worse," Ridley pipes up with a faint smile tugging on her lips.

"And talk about the pot calling the kettle black!" Christopher adds with a snort. "You've given me the queen of all bad nicknames, Dee. I mean...Chrissy? That's...that's the gayest nickname you could ever give me!"

"Nicknames have nothing to do with somebody's sexuality!" Dee sing-songs with a playful smile. "And anyway, it suits you...Chrissy. It brings out your very...er, outgoing personality."

"That's just your way of saying I'm probably the gayest guy there is," Christopher says with a raised eyebrow. "Although I do not disagree. Still, Chrissy is an abominable thing to nickname a handsome man such as myself. It's going to hurt that bad-boy-player reputation I've had going for me in campus. Such a turn off for the other guys."

Ridley laughs as she listens to both Dee and Christopher playfully bicker with one another. It's no secret that Dee has feelings for Christopher and he requites them, although he still insists that he's attracted to men only. What does it feel like, she wonders, to tell yourself you don't love someone when you secretly do?

"Alright, alright!" Dee's laughter pulls Ridley out from her little daydreaming. "So," Dee says with a questioning glance at Christopher, "what were you teasing her about, anyway?"

"Her love life." Christopher smirks. "I mean, it's so obvious Ridsie here is in love with someone! I just can't work out who. Is it that Elliot boy who talked to you the other day? He's very good-looking, isn't he? It's a pity he's as straight as an arrow."

Dee frowns a little and Ridley feels a little sorry for her. Having to hear your crush gush about somebody else's good looks is a feeling she knows all too well. She thinks of Jenna and all those pictures she sees on Facebook of her - a tall, beautiful, curvaceous brunette who likes X-Men and kickboxing and going hiking, according to her profile information-Ben doesn't even like X-Men, anyway, so-wait what? Ridley tells herself to snap out of it.

"Elliot?" Ridley laughs and shakes her head. "No, of course not! Besides, he has a girlfriend. Not that it bothers me," she adds when Christopher opens his mouth to, no doubt, accuse her of hidden disappointment. "I'm not in love with anyone, really I'm not. You're being awfully nosey, Christopher."

"Yes, you tell him, Rids." Dee chuckles, delighted at seeing Christopher being ganged up on by someone who isn't her. Christopher pokes his tongue out at Dee and lets out a dramatic huff in a mock-angry way.

"But seriously." Christopher diverts his attention to Ridley again. "You're definitely in love with someone. I mean, I've got three sisters back at home. I've seen the symptoms too many times to count. You always look so sad and you're hardly ever paying attention to what anyone says, always drifting off...but maybe that's just a writer thing. Still," he continues with a click of his teeth, "I can tell you're definitely mourning somebody. An unrequited love, perhaps?" From the corner of her eye, Ridley notices Dee squirm uncomfortably.

"It's...it's nobody, honest..." Ridley trails off. But...is it?

"Wait a second." Dee gasps and looks at Ridley with wide eyes. "Wait a second." Dee lets out an excited squeal and grabs Ridley by her shoulders and shakes her. "It can't be!" she whispers. "It cannot be!"

"What?" Ridley frowns.

"Is it that Ben guy?" Dee looks gleefully over at Christopher who is just as puzzled as Ridley is. "It's Ben!" she continues, looking back at Ridley, who has now grown pale. "You're...you're always muttering his name in your sleep and I've always wondered who it could be. Ohhhh myyyy." Before Ridley can stop them, both Christopher and Dee begin to throw about a million and one questions at her-no, not throw. They aren't throwing the questions. They are attacking her with them.

"WHO IS HE?!"

"HOW OLD IS HE?!"

"HAVE YOU GUYS KISSED YET?"

"DOES HE-"

"HAVE YOU-"

"IS HE-"

"GUYS STOP!" Ridley's cheeks are flaming. She gets up and looks furiously at both of her friends and she knows she shouldn't be upset because Dee and Christopher are like that, they like to tease and poke fun, like all friends do, and it isn't supposed to be serious but Ridley cannot help but feel angry and sad, both at the same time, because she's just friends with Ben and she's kissed him once but it wasn't supposed to mean anything, but maybe it does and she just doesn't know anymore.

And she's out of the coffee shop before Christopher and Dee can stop her and apologise. They don't need to apologise, anyway. They were just having a bit of fun, as per usual but Ridley's the one who's been flying into raging tempers and ruining everything. She frees the tears that have been threatening to spill ever since Dee mentioned Ben's name and she begins to cry softly, quietly, ignoring the strange looks strangers give her as she walks past them. Oh god, Ben, what are you doing to me?

She'd always prided herself in being so self-aware of her feelings, of her relationships with everyone around her, but with Ben, she realizes, she hasn't been so self aware. Ridley couldn't even tell he's been in love with her for so long and she feels like one of those stupid main characters in romantic comedies, the ones who don't know anything until the very last minute, but it's okay for them because they're just in a movie and they'll end up with their true love in five minutes but for Ridley it's complicated. She has to face the facts now. She's been ignoring them, deterring them for as long as she possibly could. She loves Ben. She's loved him all along but it doesn't even matter anymore because she's gone ahead and mucked it all up for herself. Perfect, perfect, perfect.

But it doesn't matter anymore - probably not to Ben, at least, because now he's got a lovely, beautiful new girlfriend and telling him she loves him will make him angry and tell her she's only doing this because she's selfish and she doesn't want him to move on from her. And Ridley realizes that she is very selfish because she doesn't want Ben to move on from her. She wants him to stay in love with her because now she knows, accepts, that she loves him too and god, she's made such a huge fucking mess of things.

Ridley stops walking so fast and looks up, up into the starry sky and she wonders if Ben is doing the same-except, wait, maybe he isn't because it might be daylight back there in Canada, or maybe he's fast asleep in bed. Even though she knows Ben would never want anything to do with her, especially with the way she's treated him, their relationship, she feels as though a huge weight has been lifted off of her shoulders. No more pushing away feelings, no more scolding herself for thinking things about Ben when it's natural to think about someone you're completely, utterly, scandalously in love with.

"I love you, Ben," she whispers softly to herself and she smiles sadly. It's nice to say it out loud too, but it would've been nicer if he was there to hear it.

As she silently begins to walk again, she thinks of a line that Anne Shirley says in the sequel of Anne of Green Gables, after she hears about Gilbert Blythe slowly dying of scarlet fever: "There is a Book of Revelations in everyone's life" and she cannot help but think that she has just entered a new chapter in her own book of Revelations, a chapter that she let herself enter far too late.

→ → → → → →