Tell me darling,

would you still love me

if I told you

about the monsters

I need to sing to sleep

every night?

If you understood

the way I need to tiptoe

across my own mind

so I can fall asleep

before daylight?

If you knew

where nightmares

came from,

if you saw my scarred soul,

would being with me terrify you?

If you knew the full extent

of the damage

they had done to me,

would you stay,

would you still want to?

~Nikita Gill,

Questions I am too Broken to Ask

***

"Who is Cal?"

Atlas's confused words have me looking up to him in sudden realization.

"Don't."

Alpha Brandon looks at me with sad eyes. Sad eyes I thought I had escaped from.

"I'm sorry Lexie. But your mate needs to know."

"Know what?! Damn it what is going on?" Atlas looks at me. I know he doesn't like this feeling. I know he doesn't like feeling like he has no control over the events of his life.

And now everything was crashing.

"Let's sit and talk Alpha Atlas. But first," Alpha Brandon's hard eyes don't back up as he says, "Untie Lexie."

Atlas hesitates.

I can see him calculating.

Can tell he is thinking of fighting them. He knows he will win.

But then I see his eyes fall onto Mark.

And he closes them in silent defeat as he turns back to me and finishes untying the ropes that constrict my skin.

The prison drops away.

The Luna steps forward, glaring at Daisy as she walks around and approaches me.

"I'm sorry Lexie."

I nod silently.

"Sit and I'll explain everything."

"Please don't."

I'm begging now.

Moaning.

Pleading.

"Please don't tell him."

Alpha Brandon sits down, those same sad eyes on me.

"I'm sorry."

That's the only words they can say.

Mark sits next to me. He doesn't touch me. He knows. I don't have to tell him. Instead he leans forward, whispering to me.

"What are you going to paint Lexie?"

I feel Atlas's eyes on me as the room settles down and sits around the table.

Someone must have set it back up while I was asleep.

"I'm going to paint....a bird."

"What kind of bird?"

I close my eyes and concentrate.

"I saw a red one outside the pack house. He was beautiful."

"Tell me Lexie. How are you going to paint it?"

I take a deep shuddering breath as I let the process wash over me.

"I'll sketch his outline first in red. Then I would paint some yellow. On his stomach and head and some on his wings. But a touch though. Only on the bristles of the brush."

"Go on."

"Then I would paint the red. And you would realize why I used yellow then. Because if you mix the two colors together just right, you get a beautiful scarlet, and a blood orange color. It would mix in well with the bird."

"Good Lexie. Very good. Keep thinking about painting the bird. Think about him so you can remember when you get back to your paints."

I open my eyes then.

I feel safe. Mark knows how to make me feel safe.

I glance over and see Atlas staring at me. His eyes are wide. I don't know what emotion they hold.

Surprise. Anger. Fear. Jealousy. Sorrow.

Either one.

Or all.

Alpha Brandon clears his throat. I blush when I realize everyone in the room has been listening to Mark and I.

"Lexie. I need you to stay with me okay?"

I nod.

Red. A scarlet red. And black. I needed black for the beak.

"Start from the beginning," Jay says. He and Daisy are still flanking Atlas. Still a team.

Alpha Brandon sighs as he looks to me, before unfolding my secrets for not one, but seven people to hear.

"Lexie and Mark's mother died in a car accident."

Atlas shifts in his seat, "I know."

Alpha Brandon seems surprise that he knows that information, but continues, "I don't know if you know this then but... there was another woman in the car with her."

Mark's face clenches.

"Her name was Maya. She passed away also in the accident. But Maya..." Alpha Brandon takes a deep breath, "Where Clare had two children and a mate. Maya had only a mate. A mate that loved her. Very much."

Brandon clears his throat his emotions getting to him now as he recalls the past.

The Luna softly takes his hand and continues for him, "His name was Cal."

Atlas and Jay glance at each other. I can see them wondering where this will go.

But Atlas doesn't know.

Doesn't know that ignorance is bliss.

"We thought Cal was okay. We thought he had been able to handle the grief of his mate's death. And so for years he continued as overseer to our Lead Pack. Training all our wolfs."

The Luna pauses and looks at me.

I know what she is telling me.

This is my secret to tell.

My burden to bear.

"I was thirteen."

I don't recognize my voice as I turn to Atlas.

He is the only one in the room right now, that I want to be looking at.

The only one whose reactions I need to see.

"In the Shaldon pack, you start your training early. So I started at thirteen. And he saw me. He was nice. A good teacher. I trusted him. And one night..."

Atlas doesn't blink. I don't even think he is breathing as he waits for my next words.

"I was walking back to my home. I took a shortcut in the forest. And he found me. He-,"

I couldn't continue.

Couldn't breath.

I had never talked about it outloud.

And when the time came for me to be brave.

I crumbled under the darkness.

"What did he do."

Atlas's words are whispered. Hoarse. Shaking.

Mark.

Always my hero Mark, answers for me.

"You know what he did."

I look away.

Proving even more that I am a coward.

"Lexie..."

"I need to explain something," Alpha Brandon clears his throat, regaining his composure.

"We served our justice and sent Cal to a sentence within prison. He accepted it. And we thought that was that. But Cal...He broke. He broke the day he heard his mate passed, and no one noticed. He is delusional. Sick. Twisted. Because he thinks, in some way, that Lexie is Maya. His mate."

Alpha Brandon turned to me then, "He would ask about you. Twice every year at the same time- one on Maya's birthday. And on her death."

I shake my head as Alpha Brandon releases the darkness that would forever haunt me.

"He asks, 'how is Maya' but we all know he means you. And one guard. One stupid, stupid guard, told him you were happy. That you had found your mate and that you were a Luna.'

I gasp as I look up at Alpha Brandon.

"He escaped. We don't know how. All we know is why. That he hurt that same guard and almost killed him- but we were able to have him tell us what Cal said before he left."

I want to block my ears.

Think of the bird.

Red. Red wings.

Red wings to fly away from here.

"Maya is mine. I won't let her leave me."

Strange that this chapter is being posted at the same time the #MeToo movement is gaining ground.

I want to say on that note #MeToo

To anyone who has/(is) been pushed, violated and forced to do ANYTHING against their will- know that your body is a temple. You are a treasure. And you deserve so much for yourself. You deserve everything.

For me, it was a first date. I didn't expect it. And maybe at the time, I was naive. I'm not saying this to make anyone uncomfortable- just that to those who are reading, and maybe feeling old wounds of the past- I want you to know, that like Lexie, I have my own outlet. That's writing.

(gah I'm shaking just writing/thinking about it.) My own story is not as dark as Lexie's, but I will say- I know what it's like to feel that crushing sense of saying 'NO' and being ignored. Of feeling like your word, your opinion, and what you want- does not matter.

Please remember that it does.

Please remember that you are enough. Always.

(**)

Okay on another note (I need to stop talking about this hahaha, my hands are shaking so much I can barely type).

I have some short things I want you, readers, to know-

1. Thank you for waiting until Friday! (and thank you for not going through with those death threats...)

2. I made an Instagram account! The link is on my bio if you want exclusive and sneak peaks for future chapters into Sun Child and my other works.

Thank you, everyone!

Until Next time,

Loves,

/////WORLD_JOY_/////