I Was So Hurt I Couldn't Even Think Straight Think I Was Close To Losing My Mind

August Had Me At A Very Difficult Place,When He Left I Cried And Cried It Was The Last Thing I Wanted For Him To Do

It Has Just That He Done Soo Much Shit I Think When He Admitted Of Wanting To Actually Sleep With Tamera Is When I Was Like Enough Is Enough

He's Been Disrespectful,Inconsiderate,Cocky,Arrogant,And Selfish And Still I Love Him Why Do I Still Love Him

Maybe Im In Love With What He Use To Be Wait August Never Changed He's Been The Same Since I Met Him

Than What Is It Than Because Im Tryin To Find More Reason Than Ayden And Azian To Stay And Make This Marriage Work

Cause Right Now Divorce Sounds Like The Best Thing To Do

I Don't Want To Be Married To A Man Who Keeps Doing The Same Ol Shit Everytime Somethings Gotta Give

He Cheated On Me Numerous Times With Bitches Who Don't Mean Shit To Him

All These Years,Our Vows,Our Children And He Stills Cheat

I Don't Care What We Was Going Through He Should Of Been Faithful To Me Im The Mother Of His Kids Im His Wife Not His Doormat

He Can't Treat Me Like This Not AnyMore

My Eyes Were Puffy And Red From Crying Im Sitting Here Crying While He's Probably Somewhere Having The Time Of His Life

Before I Knew It A Whole Two Weeks Has Past And August Was Coming To Pick Up The Boys Today

I Was Getting Ayden And Azain Ready

" You Going To See Daddy"I Said Ayden As I Put His Jacket On

"Mommy You Going Too?"Ayden Said

I Smiled And Said "No But I Will Be Here Missing You"

I Kissed His Cheek

"Ma..Azain Going?"He Asked

"Yes..Azian Is Going Your So Talk Active These Days And Thats A Good Thing Gimmie Kiss'I Said As Ayden Kissed Me On My Forehead "Muah'" She Said

I Smiled And Said "I Feel So Much Better Now"

Than I Pick Up Azain "My Little Man You Leaving Me Too"

Azian Smile At Me As I Smiled At Him "Can You Say Ma Ma Say Ma Ma"I Asked

"Ma Ma ,Ma Ma"Ayden Shouted

"Ayden I Know You Can Say It You Can Say A Lot"I Said To Ayden

"Ma..I Wanna Go"He Said

"Okay Daddy Should Be Here In A Second Hold Your Horses Little Cowboy"I Said

I Grabbed The Diaper Bag And Ayden Backpack

The Three Of All Us Walked Downed The Stairs

When We Got Down The Stairs I Heard The Door Bell Ringin

I Opened The Front Door And He Was Standing There And It Was So Weird Felt Like We Were Just Strangers Instead Of Husband And Wife

'"Dada"Ayden Said Smiling

"Hey Buddy"August Said High Fiving Ayden

"They've Been So Excited To See You..Um When You Are You Gonna Bring Them Back"I Asked

"I Wanted To Spend A Few Days Withoppk Em I Miss My Kids I'll Call And Let You Know"He Said

"Okay"I Said Givin Him Azian And The Diaper Bag

I Kissed Azian And Than Kissed Ayden "I Love You"

"I Love You"Ayden Said To Me

I Smiled And Said "Bye Bye"

"See You"August Said

And I Nodded My Head

I Quickly Closed The Door And Took A Deep Breath

I Don't Know Why Everytime I See Him I Feel Anxiety When Im Not Even Sure If I Still Want To Be With Him

I Don't Miss Him I Do Miss Having My Family Most Of All

I Hate That Things Have Gotten This Bad For Us I Hate It Had To Come To

He Losing Me And Im Afraid That Its It Too Late To Fix This

Im Tryin My Hardest To Be Fair But After All He Has Done To Me And Everything He Put Me Through I Don't Think I Could Ever Forgive Him

I Took Em Back After He Cheated The First Time And Now He Go And Do The Same Shit To Me How Much Was I Supposed To Take

I've Been There For Him,I Stayed Down,I Tried Over And Over To Make This House A Home With Em,I've Done Nothing But Love Him And Even Now He Proven That He Gives No Fucks About Me Or My Heart And Yet I Still Fuckin Love Him

I've Already Lost A Baby And Now I Think Ima Bout Too Lose A Husband

I Was Home Alone In A House That August Brought To Propose To Me In I Thought In This House I Would Be So Happy With August But It Was The Complete Opposite

I Think Its Safe To Say That Me And August Was At Our Worst

I Was Hurt And All Alone And Just Remembered About That Whole Half Of Bag Of Cocaine Just Sitting In My Purse

I Locked The Front Door And I Slowly Walked Up The Stairs I Walked In My Bedroom Than I Locked That Door Too

I Grabbed My Purse From Up In The Closet And I Poured Everything Out Of It

And Than The Ziploc Bag Landed On The Floor I Got Down On My Knees And Picked It Up With My Hands

I Was Staring At This Cocaine And I Keep Thinking To Myself Of How Bad I Wanted To Do Just A Little Bit

Just A Little Bit To Take Some Of The Pain I Was Feeling Inside Of Me

Im So Broken Inside And Hurting So Damn I Just Wanna Feel Numb More Than Ever

I Felt So Worthless And So Unloved At This Moment My Hands Were Literally Trembling While Holding This Cocaine In My Hands

So Much Going On In My Life I Feel Like I Wanna Run From This Earth,From This World,For Everything

I Wanted To Get High So Badly Lords Know I Did Im A Recovering Drug Addict With Drugs Right Here In My Hands A Recipe For Death

Tears Fell From My Eyes Because I Felt Bad For Even Wanted To Do A Little Of It

I Wish He Loved Me Enough To Not Hurt Me,I Wish My Heart Wasn't In So Much Pain,I Wish I Could Change Him,I Wish He Could Change For Me And Most Importantly I Wish I Never Had A Miscarriage

My Eyes Were Pouring Down Tears Like Rain From The Skies

I Could Actually Here Voices Inside Of My Head Saying "Do It Its Okay To Have A Little Bit What Do Have To Lose It Will Make You Feel Better"

"It Will Make You Feel Better"I Keep Hearing Inside Of My Head

Oh God How I Just Wanna Feel Better

I Opened The Ziploc Bag

I Just Wanna Be Tooken Away From My Misery Even If Its Just For A Few Minutes I Just Wanna Be Painless

The Devil Was Tempting Me But I Am A Child Of God So I Stood Up Strong

And I Walked To The Bathroom And I Poured Out All That Poison Down The The Toilet

I Have Everything To Lose I Won't Let Myself Down I Won't Let My Children Down For The Need Me

I Screamed Out Loud "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh" I Was Fighting That Devil Off Of Me

I Don't Need It I Never Needed It!

I Dropped Down To My Knees I Bowed My Head And Said "Lord Give Me Strength,Give Me Peace I Need You...I Need You Lord Take This Pain From For You Are My Doctor For You Are My Savior For I Am Your Child Shine Your Light Down On My Darkness I Know You Will Take Care Of Me Your Love And Power Are Stronger Than Any Drug On This Earth Im Calling On You Jesus Im Calling On You To Help Me Beat This For Only You Can Help Me I Accept You In My Life In My Heart Amen!"I Prayed

Look What August Done To Me I Almost Relapse

"I Almost Relapse"I Keep Saying To Myself