It's too late.

I'm too late.

Too much time has passed by.

I'm an idiot. I never should have let Natalie go.

It's crazy how fast time passes even when you're unhappy. Even if you're the most miserable man in the world. Time doesn't care if you're happy or sad. Time will just keep going without permission. And now I might be too late.

I didn't realize that I was waiting on Brad to let her go until he had that conversation with me. I didn't realize that I was waiting for him to forgive me to be free. Waiting felt right but waiting could now cost me the love of my life. A year has gone by without hearing her voice or seeing her face, her smile. I don't know how she's doing-if she's moved on. There would not be anyone else to blame but myself.

I spent the last year angry at myself and regretting my actions. I wanted to look for her many times but I couldn't bring myself to do it because I knew I still couldn't offer her what she deserves. I wasn't the man I wanted to be for her and I'm still not but now I find myself free from my brother's ties to her. Brad has freed me and it might be too late now...

But I have to try.

Before going, I know I have to speak to my mother. Our relationship has been a bit strained after everything that has happened and it's been my own fault. I distanced myself from her out of shame. Guilt consumed me in a way it never has before and it's made me make mistakes that could be irreversible.

The morning after my conversation with Brad, I track Savannah down on Facebook. It's the only social media that I have so I pray that she still uses it and sees my message asking her where I can find Natalie. I still haven't heard from her by the time I arrive to my mother's house, past four in the afternoon and it makes me a little nervous. She probably hates my guts. But I won't let this stop me. I know where I can find her parents.

"Hey, Mom," I say when my mother opens the door.

"Oh, Josh!" She says with a smile. She steps out to hug me. "What a nice surprise, honey! Come on in."

I follow her into the house silently.

"How are you?" She asks. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah," I say slowly. "I'm sorry I haven't come over or called you."

She sits down on the couch and I sit across from her. I feel fidgety. I'm anxious. Anxious to have this conversation. Anxious to see Natalie. Anxious to speak with her.

"You did have me a bit abandoned." She admits but smiles.

"I'm so sorry. I know I haven't been the best communicator. It just felt right to put some distance. Didn't really know what else to do."

"Oh, honey, I know." She looks down. "This hasn't been easy for anyone."

"I-" I take a deep breath. "I never apologized for causing you pain. I didn't mean to disappoint you or dad."

"I know," she says. "Of course it wasn't. I know that you wouldn't do anything to hurt any of us intentionally."

I nod but don't say anything.

Mom studies me. "You still love her, don't you?"

I look at her and shrug. "Yes, I do. I'll probably love her until I die."

She places her hand on my arm in a comforting way. "What happened between you two?" She asks softly.

I feel so bad for not having this conversation with her earlier. All this time she's probably wondered what happened or how did it even start. After I figured out that Natalie left Portland, I shut down. I didn't want to talk about her because it reminded me of my biggest regret: letting her go.

I've let a whole year pass without speaking about her to anyone. Though I do occasionally ask Crystal about her wellbeing. Over time, I didn't have to ask her anymore. We would be in the fire truck, on our way to answer a call, and Crystal would lean in and say, "I saw her this weekend. She's doing okay." I would just nod and bite my tongue to ask her for more information. I convinced myself that as long as she was healthy and breathing, that was enough. I just want her to be okay. But now, things have changed. I have my opening. I have a chance. At least, I hope so.

"I let her go," I say quietly looking into my mother's eyes. "I couldn't be with her after what happened to Brad." I pause. "I broke her heart."

Mom gives me a sympathy look. "I'm so sorry, honey. It was a hard situation regardless of how it played out. I'm sure it wasn't easy for you or her."

"I-I'm gonna go look for her." I tell her and she gives me a worried look. "Brad and I had a conversation. We both apologized to each other for everything that happened. Then he told me I should look for her if I love her and I do."

She raises her eyebrows in surprise. "Wow, he really said that?"

I nod. "Yes. I was very surprised too. I don't have anything preventing me from looking for her, Mom. I hope you understand that."

"Of course, yes." She smiles. "All I want is for you and Brad to be happy. I'm not going to lie. I did worry about his well-being if you and Natalie decided to stay together. But Brad has really grown up. I think the therapy has really helped him."

"Yeah it has."

"Have you been talking to Natalie?"

"No." I smile sadly. "I haven't spoken to her since the day we broke up which was about a year ago."

She frowns. "So you're just going to show up?"

"Yes," I say. "I need to see her and talk to her. Ask her to forgive me."

She looks worried. "Have you...thought about the possibility that she's moved on? She might be with someone else, honey, I'd hate to see you get hurt."

I gulp at her words. Of course I thought about that. It's been my biggest fear. Time has passed. Anything could have happened in a year. She could not love me anymore. I run into the possibility of her shutting the door on my face or asking me to leave. Seeing her with someone else would be the worst feeling in the world. "I have to try, Mom," I say helplessly. "I love her and I'm going to hurt either way. I have to try to get her back."

She smiles sadly. "You've always been so passionate about the things you love." She nods. "And Natalie is kind. She's a great woman. It's no wonder both of you fell for her. I'm sure she wouldn't want to hurt you either, whatever it is that happens."

I nod slowly then reach for my phone in my pocket when I feel it vibrate. It's a message from Savannah. She actually replied. I open it quickly. It's an address in Newport. Under it is a message from her. It says, don't come if you're going to hurt her again. She doesn't hate me but I don't think she likes me as much anymore. That's okay. I'm going to work to get Natalie back. I'll earn her trust and love again if it's the last thing I do.

"I have to go," I say standing up.

Mom stands up with me. "Drive safe and be careful, please."

I nod then hug her. "I will. Thanks, Mom."

"Love you."

"Love you too," I say then turn around and make my way out of the house.

I feel like flying as I get behind the wheel and hit the road to Newport. My anxiety gets worse as I drive. I have no idea what I'm going to say to her. I don't even know how she's going to react in seeing me again. Does she hate me? Did she forget me already? Would she ever be able to forgive me, to take me back? I'm driving straight into the unknown but like I told my mom, I have to try. I have to do something, anything. I think it would be worse if I don't. I already wasted too much time.

I feel the anticipation of seeing her again all over my body. My anxiety is over the roof by the time I reach the address Savannah sent me. It's a house. Is it her house? Did she buy it? And then my biggest fear: did she get married and move in with her husband? If she's married, I know I've lost her for sure and I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

It's a little past six in the evening when I get there. I park a few houses down. The street is pretty calm. There's nobody outside. Seems like a nice neighborhood. I sit in my truck for a moment, trying to get the courage to get out. In the end, it's my need to see her again that pushes me out of the truck. I look at my reflection on the window glass and run a hand through my hair. I feel like I should have made a bit more effort in my look. I'm just wearing jeans with a T-shirt and a black jacket. I don't look very good. It looks like I haven't slept in months which is actually pretty accurate.

I sigh then walk away from the truck and down the sidewalk. I should have brought flowers, dammit. I should have brought her something. It's too late now. I hope my words don't fail me.

I wonder if Savannah told her I might be coming. Well, I'm about to find out.

I step on her doorstep and gulp as I reach out and knock. I wait.

"Hey," I hear her say as the door opens. "You're early-" she stops mid sentence when she sees me.

I watch her smile fade. It is replaced by utter shock. I can tell she's very surprised to see me. I forget how to breathe as my eyes look into hers. I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe I've let a year gone by without looking for her. I want to kick myself in the ass for being such a fucking idiot. I can feel my love for her begin to bloom from the shadows that I casted it in for the past months. It's present in me as if no time passed at all. If anything, I probably love her even more and I didn't think that was possible.

She looks the same and different. Her hair is longer and loose around her shoulders. She is dressed in a white dress that goes down her mid thigh with sandals. I fight against the urge to look down at her body and keep my eyes on hers. I can tell she's about to go out. She looks absolutely gorgeous, of course. Her beauty will always take my breath away.

"J-Josh?" She finally asks.

"Natalie," I say, surprised of how stable I sound. "Hi."

The frown on her face doesn't go away. "What are you doing here?" She asks looking behind me for some reason.

"Looking for you," I say looking into her warm brown eyes. I think back to the last time I saw her back in my apartment. The day I told her I couldn't be with her after I made love to her. I replay the hurt in her eyes to remind myself that I'm lucky she's not kicking me out right now. There are so many things I want to say to her but I can feel the wall back up between us. The wall that I helped build up.

"How did you know where to find me?" She asks.

"Uh-"

"Nat?"

She turns to look at Savannah who is walking down the stairs. Savannah looks surprised when she sees me even though she was the one to give me the address. Maybe she didn't think I'd actually come.

"It was you, wasn't it?" Natalie asks her and I can't tell if she's angry at her for telling me where she lives.

"Hey, Josh," Savannah says ignoring her sister. "Looking good."

"Hey, Savannah," I say embarrassed for some reason. "Thank you. It's nice to see you."

Natalie turns look at me again and I meet her eyes.

"Wow, this is awkward," Savannah says behind her. "I'm going to the kitchen."

Natalie rolls her eyes at her. "Come on in," she says to me pulling open the door.

"Thank you," I say stepping into their house. It smells good. Clean. Maybe I'm just so used to bad smells at the station. There is a living room to my right and the kitchen to my left. I stand there awkwardly and turn to look at her.

She half smiles as she puts a strand of hair behind her ear. "I wish you would have told me you were coming."

"Right. I'm sorry."

"It's fine," she says then looks down at her phone as it vibrates. She looks up at me apologetically. "It's just that I'm...going out."

I try not to wince but I'm pretty sure I do. "Ah. Right." I clear my throat. "It's alright. I can come back another day."

I notice a car pull up on the curb outside. Natalie reaches for her purse on the couch. "You don't have to leave," she says. "You can stay. I'll be back in a couple of hours."

A man walks out of the car and I can feel the jealousy turn on in my like fire.

"I'm sorry," she says looking at me one more time before reaching for the door and going outside. I watch as she walks to the man. He kisses her cheek and then opens the door for her.

"His name is Ezra," Savannah says behind me. "Poor guy worked really hard for that yes."

I watch as he walks around the car and gets in the driver's seat then the car drives away.

Fuck. What have I done?

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