I knew Josh liked Natalie before Josh knew he liked Natalie.

It's always been shocking how little experience my brother has with women. Natalie was probably the first girl he ever liked in his life. Maybe that's why he fell in love with her so quick.

It's taken me a while to accept the fact that he loves her. Josh loves Natalie. We love the same woman. We probably always will. At least, I know part of me will always love her. She was my first real relationship, my first real love. What Natalie and I had was perfect for some time. We complimented each other well. She would call me out when I was an asshole. I would push her out of her comfort zone and the day will always end with her thanking me for taking her ice-skating or nightclubbing or hiking at night.

We were great together until I screwed it up.

I've wondered many times if she would have cheated on me with my brother if we wouldn't had broken up. We would have gotten married for sure. What would have happened then? Would Josh still love her regardless? Would she still have fallen in love with my brother? Were they always meant to be? Does that invalidate all the great moments I shared with her?

I've asked my therapist all of these questions many times. She never has an answer. She likes to do that thing where she makes me talk and answer my own questions and I've actually gotten pretty good at that but I haven't been able to figure out the answers to those questions. I know there's only one person that can answer them and I haven't spoken to him about Natalie since my accident.

I don't remember much from the accident but I remember clearly the events that happened before I got into my car, drunk. I still see Josh holding Natalie against that wall. I still see them kissing. I still remember calling her a 'fucking whore' which I meant back then. I used to feel angry at them all over again whenever I replayed all of that in my head. I don't know if it's because of my therapist or the time that has passed but I don't feel angry anymore. The impossible has happened. I thought I would be angry at them for the rest of my life.

A few sessions ago, my therapist asked me something that made me reconsider absolutely fucking everything that happened. She asked, "Do you think your brother and your ex-girlfriend wanted to betray you?"

The keyword was wanted.

Of course I knew the answer to that and it annoyed the fuck out of me.

"They wouldn't have kept it a secret if their intent was to hurt you." my therapist continued almost shrugging, as if she was suggesting that the sky is blue when we can all fucking see that the sky is obviously blue.

I got mad at her and skipped a whole month of sessions.

That question made me realize what a selfish asshole I've been during all this time and I didn't like it. It almost made me break my sober streak of four months. I didn't but still it would have been on my therapist. Or not. Whatever. I'm still working on accountability.

Natalie became a prohibited subject between Josh and I after my accident. He tried to speak about her a few days after I woke up from my coma but I told him I did not want to talk about her or everything that happened and he never tried again. I know they broke up a few weeks after my accident. Nobody told me but it was obvious in the way everyone started to avoid saying her name, even her own parents when they would visit.

It's sort of hard to believe that it's been a year since all of that happened. It's been a year and Josh still looks like a dead man walking. I didn't blame myself. I mean, I didn't tell them to break up. But, of course I know I was the issue. I just had to go and crash in the middle of the night. That crash almost killed me. I almost killed myself over pettiness and resentment.

It's taken a lot to swallow my pride and I'm still not quite sure I've swallowed it all even now, even here as I walk out of the station to look for Josh. I know he's outside. He's always outside. He's isolated himself from everyone at the station. He's higher ranking anyway so I don't think it matters but we've all noticed.

I find him leaning against the railing with a beer in his hand. It's a late night so it's dark outside. It's just the streetlights around us. It's been a quiet night. He's buffer than he was when he came back from the military. He's always working out. If he's not working, he's in the gym. He's become obsessed with keeping himself busy and I know the reason for that.

"Hey," I say as I reach him.

He looks up and tries to hide the beer. "Hey," he says awkwardly. "I'm off the clock."

I shrug. "I wasn't gonna say anything."

He just nods but throws it away in the garbage can probably for my own sake. We stand next to each other in silence for a moment. We face the fire trucks. I wonder what the hell I'm doing here. I've never been good with these type of conversations. I don't even know where to start. From the beginning, maybe? Fuck.

"What happened between you and Natalie?" I finally ask, breaking the silence.

He turns to look at me, obviously surprised that I've brought her up. He clears his throat. "Uh-what do you mean?"

I look at him. "I mean, why did you break up?"

He looks away and I can tell he's still hurting. "I had to let her go," he says with a shrug.

"What do you mean you 'had to'?" I ask a little annoyed with his answer.

He sighs. "I couldn't be with her after what happened to you."

I turn my head to the side, trying to hide the emotions on my face. I don't know why I'm so surprised. I know how loyal he's always been, especially after the military. I've always known that I was the reason they broke up. I just can't believe it was Josh who let her go. My therapist's question comes back, do you think your brother and your ex-girlfriend wanted to betray you?

Would Josh let Natalie go if their intent was betrayal?

No. The answer is no.

"That day when I found out," I say turning my head to look at him. "I know I told you that if anything happened to me, it would be your fault-"

"And you were right." He interrupts.

"No," I say and he frowns. I sigh, frustrated because I can't just say what I want to say. "I was mad, Josh. I was pissed off, actually. What I said was stupid. It's not your fault I got drunk and then decided to drive. Those were decisions that I made."

Wow. I'm so proud of myself. In your face, therapist.

"Uh-" Josh clears his throat, clearly shocked with what I just said. "Why are you telling me this now?"

"My therapist is slow," I say trying to lighten the mood. "Sorry. Bad joke." Then I shrug. "It's taken me a while to accept that I was wrong. It's still hard. I don't like it. I hope I never have to do it again."

He chuckles. "I've seen it all now."

I laugh with him and it feels good. We haven't shared a moment like this in a really long time, maybe ever. We've always been so different. Like fire and ice. At work, we treat each other like any other coworker. I didn't realize how little we interact as brothers until now.

"I'll always love Natalie," I say after a moment and his shoulders tense. "But she doesn't want me. She hasn't been wanting me." I gulp. "It's taking me a near death experience plus a year but here I am. Letting it all go."

"Uh-wow." Josh nods slowly. "Now that we're having this conversation. I want you to know that my intent never was to hurt or betray you. I-fell in love with her."

I look down feeling ashamed. "I know. I knew you liked her when I asked her out back in high school."

He turns to look at me. "What?"

"It was so obvious, Josh. And figuring that out made me realize how amazing she was. So I did what I knew you wouldn't do. I asked her out." I look at him apologetically. "You never stole her from me. I did. I-I'm sorry."

I can tell he's angry at me because he doesn't say anything. He probably doesn't want to say something that'll make us fight. I think we're both thinking the same thing. If I would've stayed away from Natalie, then Josh would have gotten around asking her out and then none of this would be happening right now.

"If you love her, you should go look for her." I continue. I want to say everything I need to say then never speak of this again.

"It's too late," he says shaking his head. "I let her go. I lost her."

"You should still go look for her," I say quietly. "Girls want someone that will fight for them. They love that shit."

"You're giving me relationship advice now?" He chuckles.

"You need it."

He looks at me. "And you'd really be okay if Natalie and I are together? If we got married?"

"I mean, it's going to be weird at first for sure." I admit. "Don't get offended if I don't go to all your family gatherings in the beginning." I shrug. "I'll get over it, Josh, just like you said. I've been an asshole to you both. It's time that I step away and let you guys do whatever you want to do. So if you want to marry her, then marry the hell out of her."

He chuckles and then a dark shadow crosses over his face. "She'd have to want to marry me first."

"I'm sorry, bro." I pause. "Wow, it's actually getting easier to say it."

"We both made mistakes. It's refreshing to see you be more mature."

"I had to grow up at some point, right?" I chuckle then take a deep breath. "You should go look for her and when you see her, tell her I'm sorry about everything."

He nods. "I will."

"Okay," I sigh. "I'm ready to move on and pretend this deep conversation never happened."

"Are we gonna hug it out now?" He teases.

"You just had to, didn't you?" I laugh as I shake my head but I step forward and we give each other a tight, big bear hug. I feel a bit emotional but I shake it off because I don't like crying in front of people. "Okay," I say pulling away. "Imma go inside before we start crying like little sissies."

He chuckles and nods. "Thank you for this, Brad."

I nod and wave my hand as I walk away. Jesus. I think too much therapy has affected me. I'm not usually this emotional. I'm sure my therapist is going to be happy to hear this. I've been seeing her for about six months with a few breaks in between. My mom suggested that I get therapy mostly for my drinking though I knew she did it so I could have someone to talk to about what had happened. I didn't think I would end up doing it. I like to think I did it for my mom's peace of mind. I know she worries though she doesn't have to.

It's taken some time but therapy has helped. I feel different. Like Josh said, more mature or whatever. I'm glad I've been able to control my drinking. Now I can admit that it was getting out of hand. It's been a year of healing and growing for me. I know I hurt the people around me for my actions but mostly Josh. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I've apologized to him.

I wonder if he's going to look for Natalie. Whatever he decides to do, I want him to do it because it's what he wants. He doesn't need to worry about me anymore. I can cross his name off the list of people I need to apologize to.

Now onto the next.

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