《SLOW BURN》41. my fault
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My dad and Clint get back a few hours later without Brad. Nobody knows where he is. Clint takes Louisa back to Portland without speaking to Josh. He won't even look at him. Josh doesn't say anything about it and I don't want to ask because we already have everything else going on around us.
After Clint and Louisa leave, Josh and I find ourselves in the living room with my father. He doesn't look angry which is a good sign I guess.
I hesitate. "Dad-" I let the sentence hang because I don't really know what to say.
"I don't know what to tell you two," my dad finally says. He's never been a man of many words. He usually doesn't talk about his feelings. He looks at me. "You're adults. I'm sure you knew what you were doing."
"Sir," Josh says stepping up. "I want you to know that I'm serious about Natalie. I care about her. I love her," he says tuning to glance at me before looking at my dad again.
My dad's expression softens at his words which makes me feel a bit relieved. "You're a good man, Josh. Nobody needs to tell me that." He places his hand on Josh's shoulder. "Just take care of my babygirl."
"Oh, Dad," I say blushing.
"Of course, sir, always," Josh says with a grin.
My dad nods then hugs me before leaving the room.
Josh turns to look at me and I smile. "Well that went well."
He nods. "I thought it would be much harder to get his blessing."
I laugh and it feels nice. So many things have happened since this afternoon. I feel emotionally drained. Josh puts his arms around me and hugs me tightly. "Let's go for a walk?" He asks and I nod in response.
We take off our shoes then we head outside to the beach. It's around eight at night so it's dark outside. There are not a lot of people which is nice. Josh and I walk in silence for a moment. I let the sound of the waves crashing against each other relax my tense shoulders. I think about what happened this afternoon. How Brad kicked open the door. How he saw us. I replay the anger and look of betrayal on his face as he called me a fucking whore. I gulp and look down at my feet.
"You alright?" Josh asks softly turning to look at me.
I nod. "Yeah."
He suddenly reaches for my hand and intertwines his fingers with mine. I look at him and he grins. "I forgot I can hold your hand now."
I smile. "You're right." I squeeze it. "Feels nice."
"Yes, it does." He agrees.
We walk in silence for a moment. It really does feel nice to hold hands and be with him without having to worry about anyone seeing us. We're free. The price was high but here we are. This is what we wanted right? To be together without hiding. I wish I didn't care so much about the price that we paid for this. I know neither of our families will forget today for some time. And then there's Brad.
"Do you think Brad is okay?" I ask quietly after a moment.
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He doesn't seem bothered by my question and I like that. I'm not asking about Brad because I love him or anything. I care about him which is different. I care about him as a friend, as the brother of the man that I love.
"I think he's probably in a bar somewhere drinking," Josh says.
I nod. "Yeah. You're right. He's probably drinking."
We stop walking and sit down on the sand, facing the ocean. Josh puts his arm around me and I rest my head on his shoulder.
"He'll have to find a way to get over it," He says talking about Brad.
"I don't think it's going to be easy for him. He's always been so stubborn."
"Yes, he has," Josh says. "Maybe we should go away for some time."
I look at him. "Go away? Where to?"
He shrugs. "I don't know. Anywhere. You know, just give everyone some time to assimilate what happened today."
I think about it. "I like the idea."
He smiles at me and I kiss his cheek, not wanting to hurt him considering he has a cut on the corner of his lip from his fight with Brad earlier. His phone starts to ring then and he reaches for it in his pocket. I stare at the ocean as he answers.
"Hey, dad...okay...what?"
I turn to look at him and he has a worried look on his face. He stands up and I stand up with him, worriedly. This doesn't sound good.
"...where is he at?...no, I'm on my way...okay, bye."
"What happened?" I ask him after he hangs up.
Josh gives me a dreadful look. "Brad is in the hospital. He suffered a car accident."
I gasp. "Oh my god. Is he alright?"
Josh shakes his head. "I don't know. I-I have to go."
"Yeah, of course," I say following him back to the inn.
"He was driving drunk," he says as we walk. He shakes his head in disapproval. "Jesus, what is wrong with him? Why would he do that?"
Because we hurt him.
I gulp and swallow my words. I don't need to add fuel to the fire. "Please be careful."
"You're not coming with me?" He asks.
"I don't know if that's a good idea, Josh."
"I don't care if it's a good idea or not." He grabs my hand. "I need you there with me."
I smile despite everything that's going on. I nod. "Okay. Let me just grab my purse."
We reach the inn and put on our shoes then I go to my room and grab my purse. "Hey, mom?" I call outside their bedroom.
The door opens. "Honey, what's wrong?"
I didn't even realize that I was crying until I feel the tears on my cheeks. I clean them quickly. "Brad suffered an accident, Mom."
She places her hand on her chest. "Oh, God."
"Josh and I are leaving."
"Of course," she says following me into the living room. "Please keep me posted. Drive safe."
"We will," I say then hug her before walking out. Josh is already in the truck and I hurry and get in.
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Josh and I don't speak as he drives. He's so focused on the road though it seems like he's a thousand miles away. I pray that Brad didn't seriously injure himself on the whole way back to Portland. Please let it be a small scratch. Nothing serious. Please let him be okay. This has always been one of my fears for Brad. For him to get behind the wheel while being drunk. That's why I tried to never complain whenever Gunner woke me up in the middle of the night to go pick him up. I wish he would have called someone tonight.
And hour and a half later, we get to the hospital and Josh and I hurry inside. It seems crazy to think that Josh was here a few days ago and now we're here for Brad. God. I hope he's okay. I hope it's not as serious as I fear. When we get to the waiting room, Louisa is crying in Clint's arms and my heart drops to my stomach. Oh my God. No. It can't be what I think it is. Please no. I won't be able to live with myself knowing that I'm part of the reason Brad decided to get drunk and decided to drive back home in that state.
Clint's eyes meet Josh and he shakes his head once, his eyes are full of tears.
Josh lets my hand go to run his hands through his hair. "Oh, God. Please no." He murmurs under his breath.
"No," Clint says quickly and we both look at him as he holds Louisa to his shoulder. "He's alive. Barely." He gulps. "He suffered head trauma and was induced into a coma to keep his brain from swelling." His voice is thick with emotion. I can tell he's trying his best to hold it together for Louisa.
"Oh my God." I whisper as the tears begin to flood my eyes.
"Fuck!" Josh curses as he kicks the wall.
Some of the people in the waiting room jump and look scared. Josh slides down to the floor with his back against the wall. It hurts to see him like this. It hurts to know that Brad is in one of those rooms with his eyes closed, in a coma. Oh my God. This can't be happening.
And all of this is our fault.
"Josh," I say softly as I kneel next to him. I place my hand on the back of his head. He looks at me with tears in his eyes and I know that he's thinking the same thing.
This is our fault.
We caused this.
This is the consequence of our actions. All of the times we looked at each other with desire. All of the times we kissed, we touched, we made love behind everyone's backs...this is what all of that has gotten us. We should have known better. Oh. We should have known better. I knew Brad wasn't mentally stable. I knew he would turn to alcohol. We should have been more delicate with this. We should have done it another way...or we probably shouldn't have given into each other in the first place. Brad wouldn't be in a coma right now.
I'm not a doctor but I know enough about comas to be scared right now. I know it's different when they're induced by the doctor. That gives me hope that Brad will be okay but thinking about it only makes me cry even harder. I wish I was stronger so I could console Josh right now when he needs me most but I'm not. I'm just as messed up as he is.
"It's my fault," Josh says as he leans his head back on the wall, his eyes are red and he has tears on his cheeks. "This is my fault." His voice cracks.
"No." I cry. "Josh, don't say that."
He doesn't appear to hear me or maybe he just doesn't believe me. If I feel this guilty, I can't imagine how much worse it is for him. Brad is his brother. His only brother. I can't believe we were enjoying ourselves in the beach just two hours ago while Brad was fighting for his life.
We spend hours on the floor of the hospital waiting room. Louisa and Clint are allowed to see Brad and they don't come back. I imagine Louisa doesn't want to leave his side. I can't even look at her in the eye right now. I don't know how I end up checking my phone and realize that I have a lot of missed calls from Crystal. I send her a text to let her know what happened and she gets to the hospital minutes later.
"Hey," she says as she helps me to my feet. "Oh my god, Natalie, I'm so sorry." She glances at Josh who is still on the floor. He hasn't moved in hours.
I begin to cry again and Crystal puts her arms around me. "It's our fault, Crystal."
"No, it's not. Stop it," she says then pulls away to look at me. "You didn't make Brad do anything. He is responsible for his own actions."
I look into her eyes and whisper, "He might never wake up."
She cleans a tear on her cheek. "Don't say that. He was induced which means he'll wake up soon, when the doctors feel he's stable." She grabs my hand. "Come. Let's go grab a coffee or something."
I shake my head. "I don't want to leave Josh alone."
She nods. "Right. I'll go get you something to eat. I'll be back."
I nod, too tired to tell her that I'm not hungry. She walks away and I realize that there is light coming in through the windows. It's already the next day and I don't even know how we made it. I kneel in front of Josh and place my hands on his knees. "Josh," I say softly. "Please." I beg when he doesn't move.
He looks up at me. He looks so sad. I know there's nothing I can say or do to make him feel better and I hate that.
"Please stand up," I say reaching for his hand. He doesn't say anything but he lets me pull him up on his feet. "Do you need anything?" I ask him helplessly.
He shakes his head then sits down on the chair where Louisa was sitting earlier in the night. I look at him worriedly. I've never seen him like this. I don't know what to do. He's completely shut down. He's here but not really.
I look at him and wonder how we're ever going to make it through this.
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