《SLOW BURN》40. past tense
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Josh holds me against the wall as he moves inside of me. I place my hand on the back of his hair as he buries his face in my neck. I know we should most definitely not be having sex right here, right now but I think that we both needed it.
We're both so tense, I can feel it as our bodies move together. I know he's trying to be brave for the both of us and I love him for it but I can tell that he's also nervous. What we are about to do could change people's lives. That's been the hardest thing about our secret: knowing that it doesn't just affect us. It affects everyone around us. It affects the people that love us.
That's what terrifies me the most. I'm looking forward to finally telling them about Josh and I but I'm terrified of actually doing it.
Josh's arm around my waist tightens as we finish. He kisses me passionately and I allow my body to give into his kiss. I allow myself to find comfort in it. No matter what happens, I know I'll find home back in his lips. We are making out when the sound of the door being bolted open makes us stop.
It takes me a moment to realize what's going on. One second Josh and I are kissing and the other we are staring at Brad who, I realize, kicked the locked door open with his foot as if he knew exactly what we were doing and he raced to get here.
I gasp and reach down to pull my underwear up underneath my dress. Josh pulls his pants up and buckles his belt but it's too late. Brad looks agitated and angry.
"Fucking shit!" He yells then punches the wall next to me making me jump.
"Jesus, Brad. Calm down, will you?" Josh asks pulling me to his side.
"Calm down?" Brad asks in disbelief. It looks like he's about to cry though I'm sure it's more for anger and not sadness. "Don't tell me to calm down! I can't believe you two-" he shakes his head and punches the wall again. He leaves a hole this time. "Fuck!"
"Brad," I say and my voice shakes. I reach out and place my hand on his shoulder but he shakes it off. "Please let us explain."
"Explain what?" He chuckles humorless. "That you two have been fucking behind my back?"
I shake my head. "Please."
"Please what, Natalie? I saw you for fuck's sake!" He looks at me like he's disgusted. "Maybe I expected it from Josh but not from you. I can't believe you. You fucking whore."
I move my head to the side as if he just slapped me. He might as well would have.
"Don't you fucking talk to her like that," Josh says taking a step forward.
"That's what she is. Only a whore would fuck my brother after she's done with me." Brad glares at me and I really feel like he hates me right this second. He hates me. And he's right to.
"That's enough, Brad." Josh clenches his jaw. "Be mad at me. Leave Natalie out of this."
Brad shakes his head in anger. "Oh, don't even get me started with you. You're such a fucking piece of shit." He looks at me. "Do our beloved parents know that you two were fucking in here just a minute ago? They don't, do they?"
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Before I know it, he's turning around and making his way outside.
Shit. Shit. Shit. This can't be happening. What is he even doing here? How did he know to come into my room? He didn't look surprised to see us together. It's as if he already knew but how? Not that it matters anymore. He's here. He saw us. It's all happening right now.
I follow Brad outside though I'm not really sure why. I know I can't stop him.
Our parents are out in the porch. I don't know where the guests are but I hope they are out of earshot because I know Brad is not going to stay quiet.
"Brad, whats wrong?" Louisa is asking when I get outside. Josh follows me.
"Mom, what would you say if I told you that these two were fucking in her room just a minute ago?"
I shut my eyes, wanting the earth to swallow me. I can feel all their eyes on me and I don't want to look at them. At the same time, I know that I should. It's time I owned up to it. We should have told them the truth as soon as Josh got here. This is all my fault for hiding in my room all morning.
"Not only that." Brad continues. "But they've been living together!"
"What?" I hear my mom ask. "Natalie, is that true?"
I finally open my eyes and my mother's disappointed eyes are looking at me. I look around at Louisa, Clint, and my dad all looking at me waiting for me to say something. They all look shocked. "Yes." I finally cry.
My mom puts her hand on her mouth as she looks at me then at Josh behind me. This is the worst way they could have possibly found out about Josh and I. The absolute worst.
"Gloria," Josh says stepping up. He places his hand on my back in a comforting way. "I love Natalie. I promise you that this isn't-"
"Love?" Brad asks cynically. "Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me! You can't love her! She was my girlfriend!"
Josh takes a step forward so he's in front of him. "She was your girlfriend, Brad. Was. Past tense. When is that going to get through your head? She's not yours."
Louisa let's out a cry as Brad raises his fist and punches Josh on his face.
"No!" I yell but Brad punches him again.
"You're a piece of shit!" Brad yells at him. "You and your whore can go to hell!"
"I told you to leave Natalie out of this," Josh says through gritted teeth and then they're fighting, punching each other angrily.
"No." I cry. "Josh! Please!" I look at my dad. "Dad, please do something!"
I didn't realize that my dad and Clint had already stood up. Everything is blurry through the tears in my eyes but I watch as my dad and Clint struggle to pull them apart while my mom comforts Louisa who is crying and begging for them to stop. As all of this is happening, Cassie's words repeat in my head. We'll let Josh decide whether he wants to make his mother when she sees both of her sons fighting because of you. I hate that I can hear her perfectly in my head. I hate that she was right.
"Enough!" Clint yells as he is able to pull Brad from Josh. Both of them have blood on their faces. I hate this. I hate myself for causing this.
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Brad shrugs Clint off angrily. "Tell me where is all that honor that you like to brag about?" Brad asks Clint. "Huh? Your golden boy isn't so golden after all is he, dad?"
"Brad, please," Clint says sadly.
"Go to hell!" He yells then looks at all of us. "All of you! Go to hell!"
"No! Brad!" Louisa runs after him as he walks to his car. "Where are you going? Don't leave like this please!"
"If anything happens to me, it'll be his fault," Brad says pointing at Josh. Then he gets in his car and drives angrily out of the driveway.
"Clint! Please! You have to do something!" Louisa begs.
"It's alright, Lu." Clint hugs her. "I'll go look for him, okay? He'll be fine."
"Come on, my truck is right here," my dad says pulling out his keys.
They both get in my dad's truck and drive away without even looking at Josh and I.
"Josh." I call and he turns around. "Oh my god." I whisper as I look at the blood running down from his eyebrow.
"I'm fine," He says walking to me. "Are you alright?"
I shake my head no.
"Come on, Josh. I have a first aid kit in here," my mom says walking inside while holding Louisa.
Josh kisses my forehead before grabbing my hand and pulling me inside. He sits down and I sit down next to him. My mom and Louisa are no where to be seen but I appreciate this moment alone with him. I still can't believe that all of that just happened. This is so sad. I feel so horrible for making Brad angry and making them fight and making Louisa cry. I think that's what hurts the most.
Josh reaches out and cleans the tears on my cheeks. "Stop crying," He says softly with a frown on his face.
"I can't." I whisper.
"It was going to happen one way or another."
I reach for a napkin and reach out to clean the blood on his face. "Not like this. This was the worst possible way that it could have happened."
"I know. I'm sorry."
I frown. "It's not your fault."
He smiles sadly as he reaches out to stroke my cheek. My mom walks in then and he drops his hand. I pull back against my chair and look down at the bloody napkin in my hands.
"Alright, lets take a look at this," my mom says as she sits next to Josh. She opens the first aid kit box and pulls out a cotton swab and adds some alcohol to it. She examines Josh's face then reaches out and starts doing a much better job than I was.
Josh winces a bit. "Is my mother alright?" He asks quietly.
"She had to lay down for a moment but she's alright," my mom says softly. She looks at me. "You two took everyone by surprise."
"We were going to tell you today. This morning," I say. "That's why we were here. Brad just-"
Brad just what? Beat us to it? Somehow he knew that what we were here for? God. This is so messed up.
There is a moment of silence.
"How long has this been going on for?" Mom asks carefully putting her hand down.
Josh and I look at each other. I actually don't have an answer to that. It's not like there was a day that we started to officially go out. The only defining moment in our relationship was Monday when I asked if I was his girlfriend but I know that it really started way before that.
"Uh-" I look at my mom. "It's been a while, I guess. It hasn't been easy." I look down at my hands.
Josh reaches out for my hand and squeezes it gently. "We fought against it, Gloria," he says to my mom. "Natalie more than me. But I love her and for some inexplicable reason, she loves me too. This is so much bigger than Brad's inability to let Natalie go."
"I know," my mom says softly. "I guess I shouldn't be as surprised. You two were close since the beginning. I just think-" she pauses and I look at her but she's looking at Josh. "-Brad has been having a hard time letting Natalie go, yes. But have you thought about how he feels about you, Josh? You're his brother. It wouldn't be normal for him to not react the way he did. It doesn't matter if he found out the way he did, I think his reaction would have been the same regardless." She smiles sadly. "This is a difficult situation especially because my daughter is in the middle of it." She looks at me and a tear rolls down my cheek.
Josh clenches his jaw. He looks helpless. I know he feels as though this is his fault and I wish he didn't. He once told me he was just as guilty. He was right but so am I. We're both in this together, as equals.
"I'm going to see my mother," he says softly looking at me. I nod and he kisses my hand before walking down the hall.
My mom looks at me and offers me a small smile. "You two are so in sync with each other. I don't know how I never noticed before."
I scoot over to where Josh was sitting so I could be next to her. I try to fight against the tears but I start crying the moment I start speaking. "Mom, I'm so sorry. I never meant to disappoint you."
She places her hand on top of mine and looks at me. "Part of me wants to know what you were thinking, Natalie. There are millions of men in the world and you choose Josh, Brad's brother, to be with?"
I sniff. "I tried, Mom. I swear that I tried to stay away and not think about him but-my heart chose him. From the moment he kissed me eight years ago, my heart chose him."
My mom raises her eyebrows at the new information but I don't care anymore. We're bearing it all. I'm tried of lies and hiding secrets. I'm so tired.
"I can see the love between you two," she says. "I'm not angry at you. I'm here for you, mija, today and always."
I start to cry even more at her words and she puts her arms around me and holds me as if I were a little girl again. It's hard to find relief with everything else that is happening but at least my mom doesn't hate me. She's here for me. That's all I could ever ask for.
The truth is out and the fire has begun.
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