I thought she would come.

At least I hoped.

I'm such an idiot, why would she come? I'm pretty sure I'm the last person she wants to see. At the same time, it seems pretty crazy to think about the possibility of her not missing me at all. Not even a tiny bit? Heck, I don't even care if what she misses is just the sex I just want her to miss something from me.

I'm so pathetic. It's actually quite sad.

I honestly don't know what I expected from Natalie when I told her I loved her. I didn't really thought about what her reaction would be. I just wanted her to know. I needed her to know. But that need has really cost me a lot. I don't know how many times I've regretted everything I told her that night. It's been more than two months but it feels like it was just yesterday.

Most women want men to tell them they love them but Natalie is not like most women. I should have known that. I should have predicted her reaction. Then maybe I would still have her by my side. She would still be mine...was she ever really mine though? She was mine in the moments when we gave into each other in bed. I know she wasn't really mine outside the bedroom. So why does it feel like a part of me was snatched without her? Right. It's because I love her.

I love her like I've never loved anyone in this world.

I began to miss her the moment I walked out of her apartment that night. It's only gotten worse from there. I wonder how she's doing all the time. I wonder what she's doing. If she thinks about me as much as I think of her. I have to remind myself that she made the decision to not be with me to stop myself from looking for her. She made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want what I want. I can't forget that. No matter how much I miss her.

I think about the time she thought she was pregnant a lot. That's what changed everything for me. The thought of her carrying my child made me come to my senses. It made me realize that I love her and want more than just mess around with her. I wanted everything with her and part of me hoped that she wanted the same thing. I was obviously wrong. I will never be what Brad was to her. She probably didn't even have to think about accepting Brad's wedding proposal. I'll never mean as much to her.

It hurts like a bitch but I'm a grown ass man. I have to keep going. Life is meaningless without Natalie but it keeps going whether I want it to or not. My promotion is proof of that.

I was promoted to lieutenant last week. The decision wasn't made by my father-I wouldn't have accepted if it would have. I'm sure everyone would think that I just got promoted because of him but it wasn't his decision. The fire chief, dad's boss, offered me the promotion after our current lieutenant retired. It was an honor considering I've been doing this for less than a year. I was nervous about how the others at the station would take it thinking they wouldn't like that a newbie outranks them now but they all seemed sincere with their congratulations. It's part of the reason I allowed my mother to throw me a little get together to celebrate which is where I am now.

It's in my parents backyard and it's mostly people from the station and their families. Brad invited all of his gang. I'm sitting here looking around and faking a smile every time someone congratulates me but I keep thinking about how the only person I wanted to celebrate with is not here.

I'm not sure when it hurt more: if it was when she was with Brad and I knew she was forbidden or now when she's single and doesn't want to be with me. I think I would prefer it if it was because she was still with Brad-at least I would have some hope.

"Hey," Cassie says handing me a beer. "Here."

"Thanks," I say as she sits next to me.

"You alright?" She asks and I turn to look at her.

Cassie. The only other woman I've ever been with besides Natalie. I think most men would rather not keep in touch with the woman that took their virginity but I look at Cassie and I know that what we had was more than sex. At least I can say that about her. What Cassie and I had felt real at the time and I don't doubt that I loved her back then. I did miss her a lot after we parted ways and wondered many times about her but I hadn't thought about her until I saw her again.

We've gone on a few dates. I was skeptical at first because I don't want her to get her hopes up but she's very persistent. She knows what she wants and I'm attracted to that. But the fact that I'm dating a girl when I'm in love with someone else is obviously a cry for help. I'm too tired to do something about it.

"Yeah, just tired," I finally say.

She smiles at me and I suddenly feel bad about deceiving her. I should really end this. I don't want to hurt her. I know what it feels like and it's not fun.

"Oh, Natalie!"

I look up at the sound of her name and my eyes scan the crowd until I see her. She's walking out the patio door with Crystal and she looks absolutely stunning. She's wearing blue jeans with a white crop top. I allow my eyes to roam down her body and I notice that there is something different about her. She got the belly button piercing she wanted and it makes her look even more sexy.

"Thank you so much for coming," My mom is saying as she reaches out to hug her.

I reach out for the beer and take a long sip trying to distract myself from how good she looks. I watch as Brad walks over to her and hugs her poking her stomach playfully. It ignites jealousy in me instantly. It's amazing the way it feels whenever I see her. It's as if no time has passed at all. All the progress I thought I had made in the last two and a half months have gone out the window in just a second.

"Hey! Natalie!" Cassie calls her and Natalie turns to look at her.

Crystal puts her arm through Natalie as they walk towards us. It's so weird seeing them so close. I knew Crystal and her have been hanging out but I didn't realize how close they have gotten. It's funny to think how Natalie was jealous of her once.

Cassie stands up and I stand up with her as she hugs Natalie and smiles politely at Crystal. "I didn't know you were coming," Cassie says to Natalie.

"I didn't think I was going to make it," Natalie says and then her eyes meet mine and the world seems to stop for a split of a second. It's just me and her. Fuck. I've missed her so much. I've missed her eyes looking at mine. Her lips. The feeling of her tongue against mine. Her body on mine. Her smile. I have no idea how I endured all of this time without seeing her. She offers me a small smile. It's shy and sad at the same time. "Congrats, Josh."

I almost take a step forward to reach for her but I catch myself before I move. "Thank you," I say and I hate how cold I sound. I guess I'm also still a bit angry at her though it's not her fault she doesn't feel the same way about me.

"Come on," Crystal says when neither of us say anything else. "Let's go get a drink."

Natalie drops her gaze and she nods. "Right, yeah. Excuse us."

"Of course," Cassie says with a smile.

"Excuse me," I say to Cassie then walk back inside the house. I go in the bathroom and lock myself in there.What the hell was I thinking? I can't be this close to her and not touch her, not kiss her. I suddenly wish she wouldn't have come.

It hurts to look at her.

I'm suddenly the seventeen-year-old boy who would admire her from afar all over again. I think I'm worse off now because now I know she won't ever be mine the way I want her to. I feel the same urge I had all those years ago to leave. I could go back to North Carolina. I know I could get a job in the base as an instructor or something. Anything. As long as I'm far away. I can't be in the same state, same city, same room as Natalie.

I run my hands over my hair repeatedly. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I know I can't do that again. I have to stay here and face this like a man. So I was rejected. I'm not the first and won't be the last man on earth to get rejected by the woman he loves. I have to learn to live with this. I have to find a way to forget about her but I won't be a coward and leave again. It's been proven that distance and time won't do anything to help me forget about her. I already put hundreds of miles and eight years in between and all it took is one look at her for it all to come back.

I feel hopeless. I'm really starting to despise love.

I take a few more minutes until I finally come out of the bathroom. When I go back outside, I notice Cassie chatting with Natalie, Cassie, Brad, and some of Brad's friends. I mingle with my father and his old friends, not wanting to have another mental breakdown in the bathroom.

If there is one thing that I learned while serving was to hide my emotions. It was dangerous to show anger or sadness. It would get you hurt. Who would have thought that would come in handy now?

"Hey! Josh!"

I'm in the middle of a conversation with one of my parent's neighbors when I hear my name. I turn and see Cassie waving me over. "Excuse me, please," I say. "Of course, of course," Mr. Matthews says waving.

I clear my throat then turn around and walk to Cassie and everyone else. "What's up?"

"Let's go to Newport tomorrow," She says excitedly. "Crystal is throwing a party for her birthday."

"Uh-" I say looking around the crowd. My eyes land on Natalie who isn't even looking at me. That infuriates me. "I don't think Natalie would like that."

Cassie frowns turning to look at Natalie. She finally looks up and meets my gaze. She looks surprised at what I said but then she clears her throat. "Why wouldn't I?" She asks then smiles. "I would love it if you came, Josh."

A smile is playing on my lips. She's playing my game. She's looking at me, daring me. "I'll go then, just for you."

We don't look away from each other. I know we should and she probably does too but I don't give a fuck about everyone else here. It's just me and her. I can feel myself falling onto her web once again.

And then Brad shoves my shoulder. "Really, Josh? Flirting with Natalie when you're girlfriend is standing right next to you?"

"I don't have a girlfriend," I say looking at Natalie.

"What about Crystal, huh?"

"You and Crystal were together?" Cassie asks next to me.

Crystal rolls her eyes at Brad. "You just can't ever keep you mouth shut, can you?"

Brad ignores her. He's glaring right at me. I can tell he's pissed. He shoves my shoulder again and I finally look at him. "What the fuck is your problem, Brad?"

"You can have any fucking woman you want but you stay away from Natalie," he threatens me looking at me right in the eye.

Natalie stands up and walks to us. She places her hand on Brad's shoulder. "Brad, stop it please. This is Josh's party."

Brad looks at her. "He's always been whooped on you, Nat, did you know that? Ever since high school."

I flinch. I'm so fucking sick of all of this lying. I open my mouth ready to tell everyone that I love Natalie once and for all but before I can say anything, Natalie pulls Brad's arm and he takes a step back.

"There's nothing going on between Josh and I, Brad," she says to him. "Just chill the fuck out will you?" She shakes her head in disbelief. "I'm so sick of this."

Without saying another word, she turns and makes her way back into the house. Crystal follows her. I look around and realize that everyone had stopped to look at us. My mom has a concerned look on her face. I take a deep breath and run a hand through my hair, frustrated. What the fuck just happened?

Brad looks at me and he looks satisfied. "Natalie will never be yours, bro, not even in your fucking dreams."

I want to tell him that he's wrong, that Natalie is mine but I don't because I realize that he's right. She doesn't love me. What we had will never come to light. It will stay a secret forever. No one will ever know.

Natalie will never be mine.

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