I don't go to work the next day. I feel too tired. Too sad. Too empty. Too everything. I keep replaying what happened that night with Josh and I keep wondering if I made a mistake in letting him go. I don't know if I love him the way he wants me to love him. Like he said, if I really loved him then I would be willing to face anything for him right? I know I care about him. I love being with him. This was about attraction from the beginning and I wanted to keep it that way. The problem was that Josh was too good for that. He deserves what he wants. Someone to love him enough to face anything for him. Someone he can marry. Someone to build a family with.

I'm not that woman right now.

I know that I can be with time but even then, I don't know if I can be that woman for Josh. He will always be Brad's brother. I don't know how to just not care about that. I don't want to be responsible for a fall down in their family. I can't do that to Louisa and Clint. I can't do that to Josh or even Brad. So no matter how much my body yearns to be with Josh, I know I have to let him go. I want him to have a shot in getting what he wants even when I know that he's going to fall right into Cassie's arms.

I call in sick for work and stay in my room for the rest of the week. I don't come out except to get something to eat just because I know my body needs it and not necessarily because I have appetite. I don't see Cassie which helps. I haven't felt like this since the first time Brad and I broke up a few years ago. It almost feels like I'm getting over two break-ups since I never really took the time to dwell on my break-up with Brad. It sucks and I hate it. I know I have to get it together at some point but I just don't have it in me to do that right now. Not when I miss Josh like I've never missed him before. It's different this time because I know he's not coming back. I know I'm not seeing him any time soon.

I don't answer Savannah's texts or calls all week so when there is a knock on the door on Sunday at around six in the evening, I think that it's her. I wait a few minutes to see if Cassie is home or if they leave but Cassie isn't home and the knocking continues.

I finally walk out of my room and peek out the hole. I frown then open the door. Crystal is standing on the other side wearing leggings with a white top and tennis shoes. Her hair is up in a ponytail and her face is flushed as if she ran here.

"Crystal?" I ask in confusion. I didn't even know she knew where I lived. "What are you doing here?"

She scans me with her eyes. "Your sister called. She thought you were dead."

I roll my eyes then turn and sit on the couch. Crystal walks in and closes the door behind her. I look around and remember why I had been avoiding coming out of my room. It's because of the stupid wall. It reminds me of Josh. "Well, I'm not dead."

"You look dead," she says sitting next to me. "What's up? Are you alright?"

I shrug. "I'm fine," I say and she narrows her eyes at me. I sigh. "I'll be fine."

"Did you have a fight with Josh?"

I look at her. "We broke up? We were never really together so it doesn't feel right saying that but I guess that's what happened..."

It's crazy to think how the last time I spoke to her, I was telling her that I thought I was pregnant and now I am telling her that it's over between Josh and I. It's always the unexpected people that are there for you when you need someone.

"Ah," she says with a nod. "So that's why he's been moody all week."

I feel some hope in knowing that he hasn't been doing okay either and I immediately feel bad. He told me he loved me and I turned him away. I'm so selfish. I hadn't even thought about how he feels. Thinking about it now only makes me feel even worse.

"What happened?" She asks when I don't say anything.

"He told me he loved me," I say and my voice cracks in the end.

"You have to had known that already though. I mean, even I could tell."

I nod slowly. "I think I did. I just, I didn't want him...to..."

"Oh, Natalie," Crystal says sympathetically. "You know, I envied you when I realized that Josh was into you. I would always laugh whenever Louisa would mention Josh. I never took it serious until I met him." She smiles. "Josh is a great guy, I'm sure you know. He's the whole package." She pauses and looks at me. "Are you really going to let him go just like that?"

"I'm not good enough for him, Crystal." I shake my head. "I'm not brave enough to come to our families-to Brad. Josh is ready to settle down and I'm not. I can't give him what he wants. He deserves a chance to get what he deserves."

She looks at me and smiles.

"What?" I ask when she doesn't say anything.

"Nothing," she says shaking her head. She reaches out and places her hand on top of mine. "We all need someone when going through a break-up. Let me be your someone."

I frown. "You want to be my friend?"

She laughs. "Is that weird? I promise I'm not into Josh or anything. Though I do want you to know that I hit on him and he shut me down but that was it. That was the end."

I actually smile. "I think I really need a friend right now."

"I think you do too." She smiles. "So if you are determined to let him go and move on, I'm right there with you. We'll work out and go out and get drunk. We'll do everything and anything to get you back on your feet."

I smile at her. "I never thought you and I could become friends."

"Same." She agrees making me laugh.

It feels good to laugh. Who would have thought that it would be Crystal who would dig me out of the hole I put myself in?

"I was actually in the middle of my daily run," she says. "Come with me."

"Where do you run?"

She shrugs. "Anywhere. I usually jog for 40 or 50 minutes. Come on, it'll make you feel better."

I look down the hall, at my bedroom door. I really don't want to go back in there and sink into my bed until tomorrow when I have to get up for work. Crystal's energy is contagious and I find myself finding comfort in that. I need her energy right now. It's like light at the end of the tunnel.

"Okay," I finally say, standing up. "I'm gonna go change. You have to go easy on me though."

"Girl, we have all summer to get you ripped."

I shake my head laughing as I head to my room. I change quickly then we head outside. We run around the neighborhood. She takes it easy on me in the sense that she lets me catch my breath when I need to but then she pushes me to keep going. She should really consider becoming a fitness coach. I could see her being one of those. We run in silence, both of us with our headphones on.

I think about everything that has happened up to this point as we run. I think about my relationship with Brad, how it ended so suddenly. I think about seeing Josh again after eight years. I think about how hard I fought against the attraction I've felt towards him. I think about our second kiss in the bar and how I freaked out. And then the trip to Newport up to the second time we went when we were finally together. It feels like so many things have happened in just a couple of months.

I know running isn't going to solve my problems and neither is Crystal, bless her heart, but I know that I have to find little things to find comfort in to fill in a big thing. I have to try. I have to fight against the urge of looking for Josh because I can't give him what he wants. Nothing has changed. I owe it to him and myself to try to move on. He should be able to explore his freedom without me in his life.

I do feel better after the jog with Crystal but only because I'm too tired to think afterwards. I shower and fall asleep quickly. It's the best night I've had in days.

~~~~

The days pick up after that. It's not easy but it's bearable. I find that keeping myself busy is key to keep me from missing him too much. I fall into a routine: Sleep. Work. Work out with Crystal. Run. Sleep.

Crystal really does hold my hand and I couldn't be more thankful for her. She has turned into the friend that I needed. I never thought that she and I could get along so well. It makes me wonder why we didn't hang out before all of this happened.

We are always working out when we're together. Whether it's at the gym or jogging. We're always busy. I think she understands that that's what I need right now. After a month or so, I feel ready to visit my parents and I finally get that belly button piercing I've been wanting. It hurt like hell but I love it. It makes me feel young and sexy.

Josh and Cassie begin dating about two months after Josh and I stop seeing each other. She doesn't tell me and neither does Crystal but I find out because of a picture Cassie posts on her Instagram. She doesn't post Josh's face. It's a picture of her hand on top of his on a dinner table. The caption was: to new beginnings. I'm not gonna lie. I did cry when I saw the post. It made me wonder why I never took a picture of us together.

It also reminded me of how long it's been since I've seen his face. It made me miss him even more. I became obsessive with the picture and anything Cassie would post so I deleted my Instagram. Well, Crystal made me delete it but I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do for my mental health.

That is what I wanted right? For Josh to have a shot at a real relationship? I couldn't expect him to keep waiting to see if I get it together because that might never happen. I have to remind myself this every time I can't avoid Cassie in the apartment. It's not her fault. It's not Josh's fault. This is strictly personal. I'm working on me now. Cassie once said that the cure to heartbreak was time and she wasn't wrong. I know I'll be okay with time, as long as I don't see Josh. I need to stay as far away from him as possible. It's good that we don't have any places in common except for my apartment but I know he won't dare to come. I also started going to Crystal's gym so there is no risk in running into him there.

Crystal invites me to Newport for her birthday in October. She loved Newport so much she's going to be renting an ocean view house to throw a party with all of her friends. I find myself looking forward to it. Mostly to drink and have some fun.

Things are not perfect but, like I said, it's the little things that help fill the empty hole I feel inside my chest without Josh. I know it will never be whole again but I owe it to myself to try.

Please comment & vote! Thank you!