Josh and I don't have the opportunity to talk that weekend. In a way, I think that we're both avoiding each other. We're both avoiding what's coming.

On Tuesday, I start looking into going back to school to get my teaching license. It's really starting to look like a possibility. I know I'm going to have to take out a loan but I don't mind because I'm debt free right now. I got scholarships for college so I didn't have to take out any student loans. After a talk with Savannah, I am determined to do this. She believes in me and that's all that I need. I just need someone to believe in me. Someone to tell me that this is not crazy, that it's not a bad idea.

That evening, I'm sitting on the couch when Cassie gets home. I thought she would be working all night or else I would have stayed in my room.

"Hey," I say looking at my computer but I turn to look at her when she doesn't say anything.

She is leaning against the door with a big smile on her face. "Oh. My. God."

I frown. "Are you okay?"

She laughs. "Yes. Sorry. I'm just freaking out."

"Why? What happened?"

"We kissed!" She says excitedly as she sits next to me.

I can hear something breaking in me. I think it's the trust that I had in Josh. It's happening. My fear is happening.

"Y-you kissed?" I stutter trying to hide the sadness in my voice.

"Yes!" She smiles. "I know I'm acting like a teenager right now but I was so scared it wasn't going to happen. I thought he had forgotten about me-about his feelings towards me but he kissed me and-" she looks up at the ceiling with a dreamy look on her face. "-it was like fireworks."

I bite my tongue, fighting against the urge to tell her that I know exactly what it feels like. For some reason, I always thought that the fireworks only existed between Josh and I. Now I'm learning that I've been living a fantasy. Cassie was there before me. They'll always have that special connection. I knew that but I really wanted to believe Josh. I wanted him to prove me wrong.

"Wow." I finally choke out, not really knowing what else to say.

"Yes, wow," she says pressing her fingers against her lips.

I have to look away or I know my face will give me away. I hate the images of Josh kissing her that are flooding my mind. It fills me with jealousy and it really makes me dislike Cassie even more when none of this is her fault. She is innocent. She has no idea what is going on.

My phone begins to vibrate next to me and I pick it up to look at the caller ID. It's Josh. I hit ignore. I don't want to speak with him right now. I have no valid claim over him to reproach what he did. He told me I had nothing to worry about and here we are. He loved Cassie and you don't just forget love unless it wasn't real in the first place.

I smile at Cassie. "That's great, Cassie. I'm happy for you."

"I can't believe this is happening. I fell in love with him four years ago. I thought I was never going to see him again and now he literally walked back into my life and-" she shakes her head with a smile. "I just can't believe this is happening. It's too good to be true."

"Right," I say slowly with a smile, wondering why they were together in the first place. Have they been seeing each other without me knowing? I asked Josh to tell me if he changed his mind about her. Why couldn't he just tell me? I clear my throat. "Have you been seeing him?" I ask casually.

"We've been talking," She says with a smile. "I stopped by the station after work. He invited me on Saturday." She sighs. "I'm so in love with him, Nat, you have no idea."

"I think I do," I say looking at the dreamy look in her eyes.

She laughs then stands up. "I'm gonna go shower and try to get some sleep. I have a long day tomorrow." She hugs me quickly. "Thank you for dealing with me."

"No problem," I say with a fake smile on my face.

She smiles at me before turning around and making her way down the hall. My phone begins to vibrate again but I ignore it. I'm angry at him. He's probably calling because he knows Cassie would tell me. I know I'm going to have to talk to him but I don't want to do it right now. Not tonight.

I close my laptop and head to my room, locking the door behind me. I feel a knot in my throat threatening to make me cry but I fight against it. I can't believe this is happening all over again. First Brad and now Josh? Worst part is that Josh knew Brad did this exact same thing to me. He knew. I didn't expect it from him. I really didn't.

I don't get a lot of sleep. My brain insists on replaying my conversation with Cassie. I don't know what's going to happen now. I keep wondering if the last time I was with Josh was the last time ever without us knowing. I know it's selfish but I wish I could have one more night with him. Just one more to remember.

My spirits at work the next day are much lower than how they were yesterday. Josh calls me four more times during the day but I still don't feel ready to talk with him.

When I get home after work, I see his truck parked out in the parking lot and my heart skips a beat. He's here. I take a deep breath and get out of my car then make my way down the pathway. I don't see Cassie's car so I know she's probably working. Did he come to see me or her? My legs shake a bit with every step I take. He's already out of his truck when I reach him.

"You shouldn't be here," I say as I walk past him.

"You've been ignoring my calls." He accuses as he follows me.

I take out the key and unlock the apartment. "Yeah, I do that when I don't want to talk to someone."

We're inside the apartment now and Josh reaches out and grabs my hand. He pulls me to him. I lean against the wall wanting him but not wanting him at the same time. He places his palms against the wall on either side of my head and leans in. He smells so good. It's so good to see his face...to have him near me again. I can feel my body giving into his slowly and I can't do anything about it.

"You're angry at me," he says in a low voice, looking down at my lips. And then he leans in and presses his lips against mine. He's still looking at me, as if testing the waters. He wants to know if I'm going to push him away. I know I should but that part of me is tiny compared to the part of me that yearns for his kiss. We close our eyes as his lips begin to move against mine. It's a longing, angry kiss. His tongue moves against mine hard and quick. I bite his lower lip before pulling away to look at him.

"Did you kiss her like this?" I ask him breathless.

He narrows his eyes. "What are you talking about? I didn't kiss her."

I scoff pushing him away. "I don't want to talk to you right now, Josh."

I try walking past him but he grabs my hand and I turn around. "Let's not talk then," he says, his eyes looking into mine seductively and daring.

Don't, Natalie. Be strong. Don't.

I'm not strong when it comes to Josh though. Not when he's looking at me with lust and want. We kiss each other desperately and I take off his shirt as my back hits the wall. I feel his lips everywhere as he unbuckles his pants and I'm pulling mine down. And then he picks me up against the wall. My legs tighten around his waist as I come down on him. He moves quickly. I feel his hot breath against my neck. I allow myself to enjoy this moment with him knowing that it can very well be our last. This could be it.

We pause to catch our breaths when we both come moments later and then we go a second time. I've never had angry sex before because normally when I'm angry at someone, I don't want to see them much less have sex with them but of course it's different with Josh just like everything else is. He kisses me for a long time after we're done before he sets me down. My knees feel weak when my feet hit the floor.

We pull up our pants in silence and then he looks at me. "I didn't kiss her."

"Don't lie to me, Josh," I say meeting his gaze.

His lips form a straight line. "She came to the station what did you want me to tell her? I don't have a reason to turn her away, Natalie."

"And that's my fault?"

"Yes."

I scoff shaking my head. "I can't believe you."

"No, you don't understand-" he puts his hands on my arms. "-I want you to give me a reason. Give me a reason, Natalie. Give me a reason to turn her away."

I can feel my eyes well up with tears and I fight against them. "You know I can't."

"Yes you can," He says.

I shake my head, looking away. "No."

I know I'm not being fair but he already knows this. This is exactly why I didn't want to speak with him. It's because I know I'm the reason we're not together together. It's my fault. I have no reason to be angry with him but I am because I'm hurt. I've let this go on for too long. This isn't good.

"Please look at me," Josh says squeezing my arms gently to get my attention.

I gulp and the knot in my throat hurts. After a moment, I meet his eyes and a tear rolls down my cheek. I clean it off quickly, angry at myself for not being strong enough.

There is sadness in his eyes and I'm scared of what he's going to say next.

"Natalie, I love you."

"No," I say shaking my head and the tears begin to roll down my cheeks. "No, Josh, please." I cry. "You can't love me."

"Yes I can," He says stubbornly. "I do. I love you."

"No." I repeat shaking my head. "No. No."

He cleans the tears on my cheeks and then he embraces me in a hug. I let him comfort me as the tears continue to roll down. He strokes my hair in a comforting way making me feel like a little girl again. As he holds me, I remember the time he said "if you want to cry, I'll hold you" and that just makes me cry even more. I think I've known about his feelings for a while now. I was in denial. I didn't want him to tell me this because now there's no going back.

I force myself to get it together and pull away. I clean the tears on my cheeks.

"Be with me, Natalie," Josh says. "We'll tell everyone and go through it together."

"We can't do that, Josh. We would hurt a lot of people."

"Screw everyone," he says. "Don't think about anyone else. Think about you. What do you want?"

I look into his eyes. "I don't want to hurt the people I love," I say quietly.

He takes a deep breath as if he's realizing what I'm trying to tell him. "You don't love me," He says slowly. "It's always been about the physical attraction for you, hasn't it?"

"Josh, you know I care about you. You mean a lot to me."

"But you don't love me," He says. "If you did, you would be willing to go through it all with me. For me. For you. For us."

I open my mouth but nothing comes out. I don't know what to tell him. I know I can't tell him the words he wants to hear and I don't want to hurt him. Maybe it's best if I keep my mouth shut.

He runs a hand through his hair and starts pacing in front of me. "I was willing to go on, Natalie. I would do anything to keep you in my life. And then you thought you were pregnant and-" he stops and looks at me. "I realized how real this is. I want it all with you. I want to be with you. Marry you. Have a family."

I clean the tears on my cheeks. I can't stop them from falling when he's telling me all of this. I don't deserve him. I have to let him go.

"But you don't want that with me." He continues. "I've only been a fuck buddy for you, haven't I? You will never see me or love me the way you love Brad."

I wish I could say something. Anything. But I can't. I can't speak without bursting into tears and I don't want to seem like the victim because I'm not.

Josh grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me gently. "Say something." He demands clenching his jaw.

"I'm so sorry, Josh," I finally say. "I'm sorry I'm not brave enough."

He winces as if he were in pain. His eyes roam all over my face and they stop on my lips. For a moment, I think he's going to kiss me. I know it's selfish but I want him to kiss me.

He doesn't.

I feel him let me go and then he walks past me, the door slams shut behind him. I finally let out a sob and let my knees collapse to the ground.