《SLOW BURN》16. i really am
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About ten minutes later, I hear a soft knock on the door and I stand up to open it. Josh is standing in the hall. He's in uniform. Black pants with his navy blue shirt tucked in and black boots. He looks so good it hurts.
"Hey," I say suddenly feeling shy.
His eyes meet mine and he half smiles. "Hey."
I open the door wider for him. "Come on in."
He walks in and I close the door then turn around. The TV is still on and I'm grateful for the noise because Josh and I don't say anything for a moment. I don't know why it's so awkward between us. I suddenly consider the possibility that he came here to tell me he doesn't want to see me again. I begin to mentally prepare myself. What would I say? Yes, Josh, you're right. I understand. Now, would I say that before or after I burst into tears?
Oh God. I'm going to make myself cry before we even start this conversation.
"Sorry, did I interrupt a movie marathon?" Josh asks glancing at the couch.
Chill out, Natalie. Chill. Out.
I shrug walking past him. I sit on the couch and grab the popcorn. "Not really, don't worry about it."
He sits down next to me but he keeps his distance. "Natalie, there's something I want to tell you."
I turn to look at him. "You don't want to see me anymore, do you?"
He frowns. "What? No, of course it's not that."
I feel relief go through my body but then grief settles in. I look down. "Maybe it should be."
"No, Natalie-look at me." He waits until I look at him before he continues. "You don't get to do that again, alright? Tell me something, do you want me to leave you alone? Do you not want to see me again?"
I look into his brown eyes and shake my head once. "No, I don't want you to leave me alone."
He places his hand on my cheek. "Then stop trying to push me away. Stop trying to end this. I'm a grown ass man. I don't need you to protect me. I'll know if I've had enough."
I nod. "Okay. I'm sorry."
He looks into my eyes then down at my lips. "May I kiss you?"
His question makes me want to cry and I don't know why. Maybe because of how much I've yearned his lips and I've been wanting nothing more than to taste them again. I throw my leg over him and position myself on his lap then place my hands on his cheeks and press my lips against his. "You don't ever have to ask to kiss me, Josh, just do it," I say against his lips.
He half smiles. "I might make you regret saying that." He kisses me again as he puts his arms around my waist. "I'll never get enough of you, just warning you."
I smile against his lips then kiss him harder. We make out until we run out of breath. When we do, I put my arms around his neck and bury my face in his neck. He smells so good. "I missed you." I whisper then press my lips on his neck.
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"And I missed you," he says softly, tightening his arms around me.
After a moment, I pull away to look at him. "Josh, I know you just told me to stop trying to end this but you should know that I'm not ready for Brad or everyone to find out about us."
"I know, I'm not either." He places his hand on my thigh making my skin burn underneath. "I want to keep you to myself for as long as I can."
I smile. "Good. That's exactly what I want too."
His eyes scan my face before they land on my eyes again. "Can we agree on something, though?"
"What is that?" I ask curiously.
He looks down for a moment then looks at me again. I love watching his eyes look at me. It's so satisfying. It makes me feel so wanted. "Can we agree on not seeing other people?" He asks softly, his left hand goes around my waist. "I don't want to share you with anyone."
"I agree." I smile. "What are you going to tell Crystal though?" I ask just to tease him but his smile fades. I frown. "What's wrong?"
"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about," he says slowly. "I wasn't sure at first but I don't want you to hear it from anyone else and then it becoming a misunderstanding."
Oh no. "What is it? You're making me nervous."
He trails his fingers on my thigh as he speaks. "Last night, Crystal-she-" he hesitates but I can guess the rest and I don't like it. It's scary how fast jealousy turns on in me. I've never experienced it like this.
"She came at you, didn't she?"
Josh looks embarrassed as his eyes meet mine. "I don't know where it came from. She just started to...and then she kissed me."
I bite my lip, trying to hide my jealousy. I try to get off his lap, suddenly feeling uncomfortable and jealous as hell, but Josh places his hands on my hips and keeps me in place. "You're not going anywhere," he says sounding serious and seductive at the same time.
"What happened then?" I finally ask.
My mind is already getting ahead, thinking about the things that they did. Did she get naked in front of him? Did she take his clothes off? Did he let her? Did she turn him on? Touch him? Blow him? Did they have sex? I feel the ball of jealousy get bigger with every thought. I force myself to shut the images off.
"I pushed her away," Josh finally says. "I made it clear that I didn't want anything with her. She apologized...but I'm afraid she might know there's something between you and me."
I sigh in relief. Just a kiss. The thought of Crystal kissing him is not pleasant but it makes me feel bit better. At least he didn't sleep with her. I'm glad she knows there's something about Josh and I now. Hopefully that'll keep her away from him. I nod slowly while he watches me. I'm so glad he told me. I don't think I would have taken this as calmly as I am right now if I would have found out through other means.
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Josh reaches out and runs his thumb on my lower lip. "You're so sexy when you're jealous." He says, a smile playing on his lips.
I roll my eyes at him. "How would you feel if I kissed someone else?" His expression changes in an instant. It makes me smile in satisfaction. "Exactly," I say to him.
"Let's just agree to only kiss each other."
"Yes, please." I kiss him. "Thank you for telling me despite you not having to."
He looks at me. "What about you and Brad?"
I frown. "What about me and Brad?"
"I know you two have been spending time together. Has he tried anything?"
"No," I say honestly. "And if he did, I would push him away." I place my hand on his cheek. "I'm just trying to help him. Give him time to cope. Help him get over me."
My master plan is to friendzone Brad as much as I can. Call him a friend as much as I can and not fall into his charms. I know that eventually, he'll get tired. I'll shut him down until he's over me.
"I don't think he's ever going to get over you," Josh says looking very bothered by that.
"He will," I say trying to sound convincing. "When he finds someone prettier and more attractive."
"Exactly. He won't."
I roll my eyes at him. "Josh, you're sweet but there are women out there that are way more attractive than me." I place my index finger on his lips when he tries to disagree. "Don't deny it."
He grins. "I was just going to say that for me, there isn't anyone more beautiful or sexier or hotter than you and there will never be."
I smile like an idiot. "That's what you say now."
"I mean it." He insists.
I look down and place my hand on his chest. "Tell me something..." I say slowly looking into his eyes. "Did she turn you on?"
His eyes look at my lips. "No," he says and I know he's telling the truth.
I press myself closer to him, putting my hands on his cheeks. His stubble tickles underneath my hands. "Do I turn you on?" I whisper, feeling a sensation in the pit of my stomach.
He runs his hands down my back, down my waist, and places them on my hips. "You know very damn well that you do."
I smile then lean in and kiss him slowly. I taste him, savoring this moment that I yearned for so many days. I forget about everything. It's just him and I. Alone. Finally. It feels like we won't be alone like this for a long time again. I suddenly feel this need to get this over with. I kiss his cheek then whisper in his ear, "I want you."
His hands squeeze my hips. "Natalie." His voice is low and lustful, almost a warning. It makes me want to get naked and get this thing on.
I begin to kiss his neck, my hands reach down to his pants and I unbuckle his belt. Then untuck his shirt and put my hands under it, touching his chest. Josh kisses me with so much passion, making me feel like the only woman in the world for him. I feel his tongue on my neck and I close my eyes and move my head back, giving him more exposure. I want to feel his tongue everywhere.
He grips my bare waist under my blouse as kisses his way up between my breasts over my blouse, up my neck, until his lips find mine again. I unbutton his pants and pull down the zipper. He's hard underneath me and I feel his body tense when my hand comes in contact with him. His hand is suddenly clasping mine and I look up at him in confusion. "What's wrong?" I ask, breathless.
"I'm on call." he whispers.
"We'll make it quick," I say desperately.
He half smiles. "You're making it really hard to resist you right now."
"So don't." I plead.
He runs his thumb across my lower lip again. God. I love it when he does that. He looks up at me. "Natalie, when I finally get the pleasure of being with you, I want to take my time." His runs his hand down my arm, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind. He leans in and I feel his lips move against my ear as he whispers, "I want to kiss every inch of you before I fuck you slowly. I don't want our first time to be rushed. I'm going to need a lot of time to fulfill this need I have of you. Once won't be enough."
I rest my forehead on his chest, feeling defeated. "I would get mad at you if that wasn't the sexiest thing you've ever said to me."
His chest vibrates with his chuckle. "Trust me, this is harder for me." He pauses. "No pun intended."
I laugh then look at him. "I'm going to need a date."
He laughs at my impatience. "Let's go away this weekend."
I smile. "Away? Where to?"
"My apartment?"
"That sounds perfect, actually," I say laughing.
He kisses me. "I will need to change my shifts. I'll probably not see you until Saturday." He frowns.
"Good. That's what you get for leaving me hanging."
"I'm starting to regret it."
I smile. "Too late, handsome," I say standing up. I watch his eyes roam over my body. I can tell he's really regretting his decision. Good.
He stands up. "Wait. I forgot I'm supposed to be training you." He grins.
I roll my eyes at him. "I'm bad at the gym, Josh, I'm warning you now."
He chuckles. "You're in the best hands, I promise you." He reaches out and puts a strand of hair behind my ear.
"When do you even go? You're always working."
"I usually go at night. I'll pick you up tomorrow?"
"If I die, I'll hunt you forever."
"While I wouldn't mind that at all, it's in my best interests that you stay alive." He shrugs. "At least until Saturday." He jokes.
I burst out laughing. "Wow." He laughs with me.
After a moment, I get on my tip toes to reach his lips. "You're lucky I love spending time with you."
He smiles at me, making me blush, then he says,
"I really am."
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