It had been the longest month of my life.

Time usually goes by super fast. The days fly by without us realizing it. One day it's Monday and the next is Friday then it's the weekend and then it starts all over again. Not seeing Josh for a month was the worst. I missed him. I felt lifeless dragging myself to work every day the coming home to sleep just to do it again the next day. It wasn't normal. It's not normal to miss a person this much. It's just not. That's why I convinced myself that I had to get over him somehow. I had made up my mind.

And then I see him again.

So I unconvinced myself. Why should I get over him? He seems to reciprocate this feeling-this yearning-or whatever the hell this is. He seems to feel the same way so why should I force myself to do something I don't want to do? Because I don't want to get over Josh. Right now, that doesn't even feel like it's possible. That scares me but I don't really care right now. All it takes is for me to think about him, to see him, to make my day better.

Seeing him yesterday at the station made me realize how into him I am. I might have subconsciously agreed to go get lunch with Brad in the hopes of somehow running into Josh. It's horrible but it's the truth. My pride didn't let me look for him sooner. I'm only human. I think pride may be people's biggest fault.

"Popcorn?"

I look up at Cassie as she comes from the kitchen and sits back down next to me on the couch. We've been hanging out more in the past few weeks. It's been really nice to have a girlfriend to hang out with. I realized I haven't had one since middle school probably, besides Savannah, of course. I've learned a few things about her. The most shocking being that she is a nurse. All this time I thought she didn't sleep here because she was with her boyfriend and it was actually because she was saving lives. I was embarrassed. She actually had a calling. Her career serves a purpose and I admire her. I want that.

It's late on Sunday and we're watching the Notebook because why not. It's a classic. We're without boyfriends and need to believe in love again. Noah Calhoun is really helping, especially with Ryan Gosling playing him.

"Sure. Thanks," I say reaching into the bowl.

"God. He's so romantic," she says turning her attention to the TV. "Really makes me remember the one time I've been in love."

"With your ex-boyfriend?" I ask curious. I've yet to learn his name. It doesn't seem appropriate nor important to ask considering they broke up.

"No." She shakes her head then looks at me. "I mean, I guess I did love him in a way but I've experienced something stronger. Like, real true love."

I raise my eyebrows and give her my full attention. "Do share, please."

She laughs. "I've actually never told anyone about him."

"Was it a secret?"

"In a way." She nods. "It wasn't forbidden or anything. It was just spontaneous and fast and wonderful." She smiles, her eyes glimmer, as she remembers. "When we parted ways, we decided it was too pure for the real world so we didn't give each other any form of contact." She shrugs. "I fell in love with him."

"Do you regret it?" I ask reaching for popcorn. "Parting ways like that?"

She thinks about it. "Sometimes. I actually hadn't thought about him in a long time. Not since I met Robert. I blame Ryan Gosling."

I laugh. "He is really dreamy." I agree turning back to the TV.

"How is it going with Brad? Is he better?" She asks after a moment.

I told her how he was struggling with the break up and me wanting to helping him cope or deal somehow. "He is," I say looking down.

"Why do you sound sad saying that?" She asks looking at me.

I shrug. "I just wish he wasn't like this. I wish he would just move on like any other normal guy out there."

"Uh, trust me, you don't want that." Cassie takes a deep breath. "I found through Instagram that Robert already has another girlfriend. It hurts. We were together for almost four years and he just moves on like nothing." She shakes her head and I can tell she's fighting back the tears.

"I'm sorry," I say sympathetically. "Brad was sleeping with someone days after we broke up. I know how you feel."

"At least he's realized he made a mistake," Cassie says then smiles as she puts her hand on top of mine. "He lost someone great."

I smile at her. "Thank you. I guess you're right."

She studies me. "Yet you look disappointed again. Have you-are you with someone else?"

I look at her and think about telling her about Josh. I wonder if she'd understand or if she'd judge me. "No," I say, making up my mind. "I'm not seeing anyone but I like to think that I will in the future. I don't want to have to worry about how Brad is going to react."

I've spent some time with Brad in the past few weeks. It's mostly going out for lunch or talking on the phone just to check up on him. I made it very clear to him that we are just friends. He knows I'm doing it just for his well-being. I really hope this helps and it doesn't make it worse.

"I'm sure Brad will be over it by then. You know, if he doesn't win you back."

I reach for my water bottle as I shake my head. "Brad cheated on me. If he does it once, he'll do it again. Maybe it won't be a kiss next time, maybe he'll go all the way and sleep with someone else. I just can't do that. I don't trust him. I'm not getting back together with him."

Cassie raises her eyebrows. "Wow, I admire that. Not all women learn that the first time he cheats. It's usually the second or third. Good for you, Natalie."

"I just want to move on from Brad," I say honestly looking at the TV.

I want Brad to be in my past but that might never happen if I want to keep Josh by my side. They're brothers. Family. If Josh and I are ever together, I would have to make peace with seeing Brad occasionally and that is if Louisa and Clint even accept me. Or if I'm ever able to look at them in the eye. How do you go to your ex-boyfriend's parents and tell them that now you want to be with their other son? They're going to think I'm some kind of whore or something. I'm sure I'll lose their respect and my dignity along with that. This is already giving me a headache. This is why I like where Josh and I right now...if he's willing to forgive me for freaking out and hurting him the last time we were together.

Cassie sighs. "I gotta go to work. I have the overnight shift." She stands up.

I nod. "I'll cry at the end for both of us."

She laughs. "Alright. I'm counting on you."

I smile as she heads to her room. She comes back a few minutes later with her backpack. "See you in a few days." She jokes as she heads out the door. I laugh. We were joking last time about how we rarely see each other now because of work. She's right. I probably won't see her in a couple of days. I can't believe I used to think she was just some boy-crazy girl. Here she is with a fulfilling career.

I watch the rest of the movie and yes, I do cry at the end because who doesn't? It's a bittersweet ending. I look through the channels for a happier movie now to lift my spirit and settle with Just Go With It. Another one of my favorite movies. Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler have such great chemistry. It reminds me of what Josh and I have a bit. Of course, it's probably just me unable to get Josh out of my head.

Seeing him yesterday shirtless and washing a fire truck...it doesn't get any sexier than that and if it does, I know only Josh can raise that bar. I know I wasn't the only one impressed with him. I know Crystal was into it too. She kept flirting with him during lunch. It was hard to watch. I felt relieved when Josh reached out to me when we were leaving. For a moment, I thought he had moved on.

The thing about Josh is that we didn't talk or see each other for about a month yet the moment I saw him, it was as if no days had passed. My body reacted to him the same way and he still looked at me the same way. I was a bit embarrassed to see him because of the way I had acted but his reaction was relieving. I can't wait to see him again.

I know I'll see him tomorrow. I can tell he was very serious about the gym. I'm not looking forward to that but I'm sure as hell looking forward in spending time with him. The best part is that Brad and everyone knows and it's completely normal. At least I won't have to lie about that. I have an excuse to see him.

That's what my life has turned into.

Finding excuses to see Josh.

I suddenly hear my phone ringing and I stand up and hurry to my room. I see Josh in the caller ID and I smile. I was hoping he'd call.

"Hello?" I answer.

"Hey, Natalie. It's me."

I smile. "Hello, Josh."

"I was wondering if we could talk?"

Right. Before getting to the fun, we should probably have that talk he asked for yesterday. "Yeah, sure."

"Where are you?"

"In my apartment," I say looking around. "You can come over. My roommate is working."

"Great. I'll see you soon then."

"Alright."

I look at my reflection in the mirror. I'm wearing pijama pants with an oversized shirt. I go to my closet and put on some white leggings with a black top, wanting to look good for him.

Jesus, Natalie, it's a serious conversation and this is what you worry about?

No. Yes. Yes.

I go back to the living room and sit on the couch, trying to seem casual. Truth is, I'm nervous but I'm also excited to see him.

I look at the TV and wait.

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