I use the sponge to scrub the the side of the truck. It's a sunny Saturday afternoon. It's been a slow day at the station and I couldn't bear to sit around doing nothing for one more second so I decided to wash the trucks. It's something we do when we have free time and are on-call. I'd rather do this than mope around like I've been doing for the past month. I'm tired of thinking and going in circles. The urge to look for Natalie grows bigger every day.

I've been angry at her since the last time I saw her but I'm also angry at myself. It feels like I didn't do enough. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. It hurt to hear her say she still cares about Brad even though I already knew. I've never envied my brother for anything more than I do right now. He has her attention. He has her love and he doesn't appreciate it. It's just not fair.

They've been talking since that night. I know it because Brad hasn't been drinking or picking up fights. He's been doing good and in an awfully good mood lately. I should be happy my brother is back on track and I am but there's the other part of me, the part where jealousy lives, that makes me furious to even think about Natalie getting back together with him. It sucks because it feels like it's coming. I know it'll happen any day now and I am not prepared for it.

I know it's selfish to think about this but Natalie should be with me. If only she knew what I'd be willing to do to be with her. I'd do anything. I don't even care about labels anymore. I'll be with her in secret if that's what she wants.

That's why I'm angry at myself. I should have told her that. I should have told her I understand her and I should have agreed that Brad needs time to cope. Then maybe Natalie and I would be together right now. Even if it's in secret. I don't care. All I care about is having her back in my arms. Tasting her lips again, tasting her skin. I fear I might never get to do that again.

"You're such a show off."

I look up at Oliver who is coming outside. He's a good lad. I chuckle, knowing he's talking about me being shirtless. "What? Didn't want to get my shirt all wet." I shrug.

"The girls are drooling over you in there," he says motioning to the side.

I look through the glass. It's the break room but it has a huge window from the ground to the ceiling. I see Crystal and Taylor. Crystal waves at me with a flirty smile. I wave back politely.

I get back to scrubbing.

There's only one woman I care about and she is not in there.

"I think I need to get me one of those," Oliver says poking his stomach.

"Do it for you, man." I advise.

"Do it for the ladies."

I stop and turn my head and see Brad walking up to us. Walking next to him is Natalie. She's wearing a red dress that hugs her figure perfectly. Her hair is loose around her shoulders. God. She's so beautiful. So effortlessly. My eyes meet hers and she looks away. It's like a punch to the gut. That hurts more than seeing her with Brad.

I turn around. Just keep scrubbing, Josh, just keep scrubbing. I'll be Dory all fucking day today if it keeps me sane.

"I think I want one too," Brad says behind me. "What do you think, Nat?"

I roll my eyes at the truck. As if getting a six-pack were that easy. It takes commitment and dedication. Pretty sure those are foreign words to Brad. This conversation is getting uncomfortable now anyway. Yes, I'm proud of my body. I worked hard for it and still do, how can I not? I do like to show it off once in a while. I do feel a sense of satisfaction in knowing Brad doesn't have one. Especially after remembering how fascinated Natalie was with it. I can still see the fire in her eyes that night. I wish I could see it again.

"Uh-sure if you want to," Natalie says.

I squeeze the sponge wishing it was something else. Maybe Brad's face? Jesus. What is wrong with me? Sometimes it's so easy to forget he is my brother, especially when I see him with Natalie.

The doors open and Crystal walks out. She nods at Brad. "Hey. It's good to see you two together."

I think I might scrape the paint off this truck if this conversation keeps going.

"We're going out for lunch. Want to come?"

Crystal looks at me. "Josh? Let's go. You've been scrubbing that for hours now. Take a break."

"I'm good," I say. I can't stand seeing Natalie with Brad. There is no way I'm going to put myself in that position.

"Come on." Crystal insists. "Let's go."

"Don't be rude, Josh."

I glare at the truck because I can't glare at Brad. Poor truck. It's taking all the anger.

"Fine but I need to rinse the truck first," I say then go get the hose.

Crystal smiles. "Great. Where are we going?"

"You guys might want to move back." I tell them before turning on the water.

They all move to the side and I begin to rinse the truck. Water splashes everywhere. My eyes meet Natalie's and she doesn't look away this time. I love the way her hair looks in the sun. It makes it more shiny and look a lighter shade of brown. I finish rinsing the truck then go inside for my shirt before meeting them back outside.

We walk to a restaurant down the street. Brad and Natalie walk in the front while Crystal and I walk behind them. I can't stop looking at the way Natalie's body moves as she walks. She's never been super thin. She's always had wide hips giving her body that hourglass shape. I know looks aren't everything. I don't like her just because of her body. I know I'd find her beautiful either way but it's hard not to admire her. I'd be one lucky guy if I ever get to call her mine.

We sit in a booth and Natalie and I end up sitting in front of each other. She's so close. I hadn't seen her in so long. It doesn't feel right to go a day without seeing her or hearing her voice. I don't want to go on like this. I know she'll always care about Brad. They were together for eight years. It was wrong of me to expect her to not care about him. But that doesn't mean that she'll love him forever. I know she feels the same way I do. I can't put a name to it. I don't want to. All I know is that we both crave each other. There is an unexplainable attraction between Natalie and I that doesn't compare to anything else. I've never experienced something like this.

I look at her and I wonder if she has missed me too. I hope she has. I look at her lips wishing I could taste them.

"What are you guys getting?" Crystal asks as we look at the menu.

"Pasta Alfredo. It's really good here." Natalie answers with a polite smile.

I know her and Crystal are not friends. They probably just know each other through the station but Natalie seems a bit careful with her words and actions. I wonder if it's because she thinks there's something going on between Crystal and I. I wish I could grab her and take her somewhere we could talk right now. I need to clear things up with her. She has nothing to worry about, doesn't she know that? I don't have eyes for anyone else but her.

"What about you, Josh?" Crystal looks at me.

I shrug. "Honestly, I'm not really that hungry."

"Gotta maintain that six-pack, I see." Crystal teases with a smile.

I really wish we could stop talking about that. "You know what? I think I'll have a burger," I say making her laugh.

"How's the apartment hunting going?" Crystal asks.

From the corner of my eye, I see Natalie look at me. "Good," I say casually. "I'll be moving soon."

I've been apartment hunting for the past two weeks. At first, it felt kind of useless to do it. The whole reason I wanted to move was so that Natalie and I could have a place where we could spend time together. But then I also don't want to keep living with Brad. I thought it'd be good to move anyway so I began looking. I'll be going Monday to sign the contract on an apartment. It'll be close to the station, about a ten minute drive which isn't bad. My dad offered to give me his pickup truck which I'd like to take. I need something to move in.

"Was living with Brad that bad?" Crystal asks looking at Brad.

"Actually I'm the one that kicked him out. He's way too annoying."

I just shrug not really in the mood to get in an argument with him. The waiter comes over and we order our food. Crystal and Brad begin to talk about some movie that is out. They're the ones that carry most of the conversation with Natalie and I just nodding or adding something here and there. She seems distracted during the whole thing. It makes me wonder what's on her mind. At one point, she excuses herself to the restroom and I have to pretend I'm glued to the chair to not follow her. That would be way too obvious. Brad and Crystal are not idiots.

As we're heading out of the restaurant, I reach for her hand just as she's about to walk out. Brad and Crystal were in front of her.

She stops and turns look at me.

"Can we talk?" I ask her.

She looks around us before she looks at me again. God. I miss her so much.

"Not here," She says softly.

Not here. Okay. That's not exactly a no. I can work with not here.

I nod. "Right."

She offers me a small smile before turning around and walking out. I grin then follow her. Brad and Crystal take the lead this time. They got a head start so Natalie and I are following a couple of feet behind them. Our shoulders brush as we walk. I don't want this walk to end.

"So I guess I'm not the only girl that likes your six pack," she says quietly as we walk.

I chuckle. "I guess not."

She smiles looking straight ahead.

"For the record, you're the only one that matters." I whisper in her ear.

Her eyes meet mine and I see desire in them. Or maybe it's just mine reflecting on hers. Her lips tug up her eyes in a smile and she suddenly looks like the Natalie eight years ago. "Sure I am." She teases.

I chuckle and it makes Brad and Crystal turn to look at us.

"What's so funny?" Crystal asks.

I've never come up with an idea faster than in that second.

I wink at Natalie with my right eye so Crystal and Brad can't see. "Natalie here-" I look at Crystal. "-just asked me if she can train with me. She wants a six pack of her own."

Brad actually laughs. "Natalie doesn't work out."

"No, I don't," Natalie says then smiles at me. "Maybe that should change."

I grin at her, wishing I could kiss her.

"Good luck." Crystal tells her.

Brad shakes his head at Natalie. "You don't know what you got yourself into, Nat."

"She doesn't." I can't stop smiling. This is too good.

We continue walking and Natalie rolls her eyes at me but doesn't say anything. Why didn't I think of this before? Everyone knows Natalie and I used to be close back in high school. Of course it's normal for us to spend some time together. It's just weird to us because we know something nobody else knows. It's our dirty little secret.

"Well, I'm heading out," Natalie says when we reach the station. "See you guys around."

"We'll start Monday," I tell her. "Enjoy your last day off."

She rolls her eyes. "Okay, Josh, bye."

I watch her walk to her car with a smile on my face. I love watching her leave. I love watching her, period. I'm so glad I got to see her and now I have an excuse to do so more often.

From the corner of my eye, I can see Crystal looking at me. I've been caught. I clear my throat then head inside the station without looking at her or saying anything.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

That night, after I have dinner with everything at the station, I excuse myself and go into one of the on-call rooms. I'm on-call tonight so I'll be spending the night here. I stand by the window in the dark room and look outside. I usually hang out on my own here. I'm sure everyone is used to it by now which is nice. I don't think I should be giving anyone explanations for enjoying my alone time. The only person that has challenged that is Natalie.

There is a knock on the door and then it opens. I frown when I see Crystal walk in. "Hey," I say a bit confused on her being here.

She looks at me and I know exactly what she came in here for. I watch as she walks to me slowly, unbuttoning her blouse.

"Uh-Crystal, what are you-"

She kisses me and it doesn't feel right.

I place my hands on her shoulders and push her away gently. She opens her eyes and looks at me. "What's wrong?"

"I can't do this." I tell her taking a step back.

"What do you mean? Why not?"

"I just don't want to."

"Come on, Josh, we're adults. It doesn't have to mean anything." She smiles then takes a step towards me.

"Crystal, I'm serious," I say, looking at her right in the eye so she knows I mean it.

Disappointment fills her face. There's a moment of silence before she nods. "Okay, I'm sorry. I thought-" she shakes her head. "God, I'm so embarrassed."

"Don't worry about it. It never happened," I say, feeling a bit sorry for her. She's beautiful and attractive. Any guy would do anything to be in my position right now...but not me.

She half smiles as if thanking me then heads towards the door. Before she opens it, she turns to look at me. "It's Natalie, isn't it?"

I stop breathing but don't say anything and simply look at her. Crystal nods, as if reading my mind.

"A word of advise, if you love her, fight for her. You're going to suffer a whole lot if you keep this to yourself."

She walks out leaving me alone. Silence fills the room but my thoughts are loud in my head. If you love her...love. Is that what I feel for Natalie? I know that if I don't right now, I will soon but something about what Crystal said bothers me.

I fear the suffering has started.

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