The week turns dull after the thoughts I have Sunday night. I know I'm overthinking it like I overthink everything but I can't stop thinking about the possibility of being right. Maybe all of this is just temporary. The thought makes me sad and puts me in a crappy mood. I drag my body to work every morning both dreading and looking forward to seeing Josh on Wednesday. We haven't spoken since Sunday. We only send a few texts. He's probably busy. I know that when he's not working the long shifts, he's getting rest which is way more important.

I miss him.

It feels like missing a part of me. It's depressing. I'm at odds with myself. Half of me misses and yearns to be with him. The other half is the half doubting this feeling, doubting my attraction towards him. All of this thinking is exhausting.

On Tuesday night, I'm getting ready for bed when my phone begins to vibrate. I pick it, thinking it's Josh, but it's Gunner, Brad's friend and colleague.

"It's Brad, isn't?" I ask with a sigh.

"I am so sorry to bother you, Natalie," Gunner says onto the phone. "It's just-we're at Penny's and Brad is a stubborn ass. He just got into a fight and he needs stitches but he won't move. He keeps asking for you."

"He's hurt? Where? What happened?" I'm already slipping into my leggings and putting on shoes.

"Nothing serious. Just a cut above his forehead but he's bleeding and he won't leave. They're about to call the cops. The Captain is going to be hella mad if I call him. I didn't know what else to do."

"It's fine, Gunner. I'll be there in less than ten minutes."

I hang up then reach for my car keys and head out the door. Oh Brad. What am I going to do with you?

I get to Penny's and make my way inside quickly. I find Brad and Gunner at the bar. Brad is pushing Gunner away. Gunner wasn't exaggerating. Brad is bleeding a lot. He has blood running down the right side of his face, down to his neck, staining the white T-shirt he had underneath his uniform. "Oh my god, Brad." I gasp walking to him.

He looks up at me and looks confused for a moment then he smiles and there's blood in his teeth too. He has an open lower lip. He looks so beat up, I feel bad for him. "Natalie!" He says putting an arm around my waist.

"Brad, what the hell happened to you?"

He shrugs. "Oh, just a fight with a prick."

"Come on, we have to get you to the station," I say trying to pull him up. I look at Gunner and he nods and takes Brad's other side.

Brad doesn't fight which makes Gunner give him a look of disapproval. He probably tried to get Brad to leave many times before calling me. I don't even know why he puts up with him. He must be one of the real ones.

Brad puts his arm around my shoulder as we make our way out of the bar. Everyone ignores us. This is probably normal for a bar. "I missed you so much, Natalie," Brad says, slurring his words. "So very much. I was just telling Gunner here, how much I missed you. Right, Gunner?"

"Yeah, buddy," Gunner says patiently.

I shake my head in disapproval wanting to yell at him but I know it's not going to do anything in his state. Brad wasn't shy about drinking before. He never has. He's always liked to have those nights where he likes to stay late at the bar and drink while playing poker with his friends and he did often. But I'm afraid this is is getting out of hand. And I'm even more scared that I'm the reason he's drinking more than he usually does.

We reach the station and Gunner and I set him down on the couch in the waiting area just by the entrance.

"Jesus, what happened?" Oliver asks when he sees Brad.

"Where's Crystal?" Gunner asks him.

"She went out with Josh." Olive says slowly, still looking at Brad, wide eyed. I turn to look at him then look away quickly.

"Well go get one of the paramedics!" Gunner orders impatiently.

"Right." Oliver runs down the hall.

She went out with Josh? Where the hell to? I take a deep breath, trying to contain my anger. It's not the time, Natalie, not the time.

"You smell so good," Brad is saying looking at me. His brown eyes seem hazy, as if he's about to fall asleep. "You've always smelled so good, Natalie."

I reach out and pull his hair from his forehead. Some of it is sticky with blood. "Oh Brad," I say shaking my head. "Why do you do this to yourself?"

He grabs my hand and kisses it then he looks at me sadly. "I can't live with myself. I lost you. I will never forgive myself for that."

Gunner looks down at the floor, pretending he's not listening. I feel ashamed and guilty of Brad's current state. I wish he wouldn't be taking the break up this bad. I thought he would be fine by now.

Oliver comes back with one of the paramedics which I recognize as Bill. I try to stand up to give him space but Brad holds me to my seat. Bill sits on the right side which is where the cut is anyway. "What the hell happened?" He asks as he cleans Brad's face with cotton swabs.

"Fight at Penny's," Gunner says and he looks at me nervously before continuing. "Brad-he was looking at a picture of Natalie on his phone and the guy made some low comment about-" he stops. "It doesn't matter. Anyway, it pissed Brad off and he punched him. Unfortunately, the guy was sober and better at aiming punches."

I bite my lip, feeling even worse. That was a stranger. Imagine if Brad knew the things I've been doing with his brother. I couldn't stand to see Brad and Josh fighting over me. I'm not worth it. It's not worth it. They're family and I'm just-I'm just Brad's ex-girlfriend. Who am I to come in between them? I can't do that to Brad or Josh or their parents. It would make me feel like a complete bitch. It would make me feel like a horrible person and then I wouldn't even be at peace in staying with Josh or either of them.

The doors open to laughter and we all turn to look at Josh and Crystal walking into the station. Seeing them together is like a punch to the gut. I might as well let Bill stitch me up too. They're each holding a cup of coffee and are dressed out of their uniforms so I know they're not on call. I look away before Josh meets my gaze.

"Oh my God," I hear Crystal say after they see us probably. "What happened to Brad?"

"Fight at Penny's," Gunner says probably tired of answering that question.

"Don't move, Brad." I scold when he tries to move his head while Bill has a needle on his forehead. He's like a child when he's drunk. It's the worst, really. It doesn't help that I still feel the sting of jealousy in seeing Crystal and Josh together. And, on top of it all, the realization of all the damage I can do by continuing this thing with Josh has built a knot in my throat, threatening to make me cry.

I can feel Josh's gaze on me but I refuse to look at him. I'm scared of what I might do if I do look at him. Maybe yell at him or cry. Either one is bad considering we're not alone.

Bill gives Brad some ibuprofen for the pain. "He should get some rest," he says looking at me.

He has stitched Brad's forehead. The cut is about three inches. He put a bandage on top of it. I nod. "Thank you, Bill."

"Someone should tell the Captain," Bill says before standing up and walking away.

"Come on, buddy, time to sleep." Gunner grabs Brad's arm and pulls him up. Brad grabs my hand and pulls me up with him.

Josh is suddenly next to me putting his hand on Brad's shoulder. "Brad, come on, let her go."

I finally look at Josh. "It's okay. I'll go with him."

Josh clenches his jaw but puts his hand down. I follow Gunner and Brad down the hall into one of the on call rooms. I get deja-vu thinking about the last time I was here and Brad was with someone else in one of these rooms.

Gunner sets Brad down in the bottom bunk bed then walks out of the room without another word. I sit down on the bed and look down at Brad who is already snoring. He looks so miserable. His lip is swollen and I know he'll probably have a big bruise on his forehead tomorrow. He's always been so impulsive and stubborn. I don't know why I'm surprised. This reaction is normal for him.

"I'm so sorry." I whisper then stand up and walk out of the room, closing the door quietly behind me.

Josh is standing out in the hallway and we look at each other for a moment. I clean a tear on my cheek I didn't even realize had rolled down. Then I shake my head and walk past him.

"Natalie, wait." He calls after me.

I walk out of the station and turn around the corner. That's when I feel Josh grab my hand. I stop and turn around.

Josh frowns as he takes a look at my face. I probably look horrible. "Tell me what's wrong," he says softly but he's clenching his jaw. I can tell he's angry.

"Everything." I whisper. "Brad-he's not okay, Josh."

"He's a grown ass man, Natalie. Has it occurred to you that he's just doing this for attention? That he's doing it to have you run to him and be with him?"

"I don't care. He's not okay. Don't you care?"

Josh looks away then looks at me again. "Do you still love him?"

I gulp. "Of course I do. I'm always going to care about him."

Josh winces at my words and I know I've hurt him. I take a step forward. "Josh-"

He shakes his head. "No, it's fine. I get it."

"It's better to end this now," I say sadly.

"End this?" He laughs dryly. "You never even gave us a chance."

He shakes his head in disbelief then turns around and walks away. I stare at his back wanting to run after him, wanting to say screw it and be with him but I can't and it's not fair to tie him down when there's a chance I might never be able to be with him because I'm a coward.

I turn around and half run to my car, the tears running down my cheeks. It feels like Josh and I broke up yet we were never really together.

You never even gave us a chance.

I've hurt him.

I've disappointed him.

I don't deserve him.

His words sting. They hurt like no other thing that has happened tonight.

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