They say when you're dying, you get a great flash of the wonderful memories you had. The great life you lived. Well for me I guess fate or my mind wanted to rewire that differently. I saw the bad and the good of my life. And it wasn't all in picture's. There were some clips. It felt like it was happening all over again. Like the pain and the happiness was all happening again. But this time in my mind. In reality I was trickling blood. Dying. And Michael was holding me in his arms. I couldn't hear him. I couldn't physically feel him. But I could feel him as just a feeling.

"Carson please stop this. I thought you forgave me for my mistake. Please stop hurting me." my mother cried in agony.

"If I don't hurt you, I will hurt the girl. Do you want that instead Katherine!" my father warned as he tightened his grip on her hair and spat in her face. She didn't say anything. She just cried. Tears steaming down her face and blood was coming from her nostrils and mouth. Her teeth were clenched to quiet the crying a little. I guess my father took the silence as a yes to begin his torture on me. His long insufferable torture that would scar my young mind more that he already had.

"JEANETTE COME HERE" he yelled and then threw my mother aside. She was trembling.

When he came to the door he found me shaking in front of it like the scared little five year old I was. My eyes were bugged out and my blood felt like it had left me. He stood there with a smirk on his face and then harshly grabbed my arm. He dragged me into the room and slammed shut the door.

"Carson" my mother whispered as she tried to lift her head. I thought she would save me. I thought she would do something. But all she did was remain quiet and starred at me. There was pity, remorse, and sorrow in her eyes. Up until that point I thought my mother would do anything to protect me because she loved me. She didn't even move.

He let go of my arm, clenched his fist, and punched me in the face. I cried out in agony but there was no one there to help me. Another blow and another and another until I collapsed and fell asleep in my own blood.

I woke up in a hospital with wires along my little body and a bag of blood at the side.

"Baby, are you alright" my mother cried beside me as she stroked my hair softly. I looked at her. There was a bandage on her arm. I didn't say anything. I don't think I could. My head was beaten like a drum and my throat felt like it had the thickest substance in the world stuck in it.

And even if I could talk, I didn't want to. That day was the day my mother had let me take her beating and I had lost half my feelings for her. I looked around the room to see that it was only me and her.

"Cameron and Patton are fine. Daddy is with them at Patton's hockey game" my mother said softly with a smile. I did not respond. Then it struck me. Patton's game was suppose to be in three weeks. The day before my birthday.

I missed it.

From that day forward I lost interest in a day that suppose to be mine. I assumed that my birthday wasn't something to be celebrated. I was correct and we never celebrated it after that.

A seven year old girl on a plane. How ridiculous. Why would a little girl be on a plane alone.

Well... my father had kicked me out of the house for a while. He thought that I was giving him to much hospital bills and he thought that I was eating to much of our food. Wasting the water. Wasting the precious air. He thought I was nothing and I felt that way.

As a result of him kicking me out, my mother felt bad. She felt as though it was her fault that this happened. I hadn't talk to her. In fact I didn't talk at all. I was like a ghost but I never haunted anyone. Instead my mind haunted itself and it created violent thought's that were inappropriate for a child to think.

Anyways my mother had booked me a flight somewhere. She thought it was best to send me away for a while because I was such a burden to the family.

When I got off the airplane there were three men waiting for me. They had a picture of me and they motioned me to come to them.

Two of them were wearing black fancy clothes and had their arms folded in front of them. The man in the middle had a smile. He had pieces of gray hair and had my eyes. That was the first time I had met him. My grandfather.

"Hello mademoiselle." he said and gave me a hug. I didn't know what to do. Human interaction wasn't my strong suit at that time and so I remained silent and afraid. He saw this and lost his smile. He looked me in the eyes and saw my fear.

"Don't be scared little one I won't hurt you. I'm your Grandad" he said in a cheery voice as grabbed my hand gently, and guided me outside to a black long car.

There was silence. I didn't say anything and he didn't say anything to me.

When we reached our destination I saw the biggest house I had ever seen. It was bigger than the one I had back home.

The old man guided me into the house and lead me to my room.

"This is yours" he said and patted me on the shoulder. I didn't know what to say. I'd probably forgotten how to speak and then my mouth spoke.

"Thank you" I whispered in a low raspy voice

"Say Merci" he said with a bright smile and I created a little grin. My first time of happiness in forever.

My grandfather taught me French, gave me food, a place to sleep and most of all of all. He showed me love. He loved me and I finally loved someone who loved me back. I loved someone who would protect me from evil. I loved someone who wasn't ashamed of me.

The next day I met the neighbor girl her name was Cheri.

"Hello" she said as she walked over to the lawn. I didn't reply.

"Can't you talk" she said as she stood by the fence.

"um..." I started to say but she interrupted me.

"So you can talk" she said with a smile as she opened up the gate to come inside.

"Wei" I simply said.

"Do you speak English" she asked.

"Yes" I said.

"Good my family just moved here and we're not sure about what people are saying" she explained. I didn't reply.

"Your very pretty" she commented.

"Don't lie" I whispered in a shy soft voice.

"Why would I lie" she asked confused.

"I'm ugly"

"If your ugly then I am too. We can be ugly together" she said and then hugged me.

"Who are you" I asked.

"Cheri Gavin. And you?" she replied.

"Jeanette" I simply said.

"I'll call you Jeanie" she said and the name stuck.

She became my best friend.

While I was in France my grandfather gave me an education and most of all taught me how to fight. I couldn't do it in the beginning because I was to weak from the starvation but I was fine after a couples of weeks. I stayed there for 2 years until my mother told me I had to come back.

My father was finally looking for me.

I refused to go back so she had to come to France herself. She was angry.

"Give me back my daughter dad. Carson will be furious if he knew that I allowed her to go to you. "

"He wanted to leave her in the street .I will not allow you to take my daughter." he shouted.

"I'm your daughter" she snapped.

"If you were my daughter, you wouldn't have allowed her to be beaten by that savage you call your husband" he said sharply.

"Don't you dare talk about the man I love like that." she growled.

"If you loved him you wouldn't have cheated." my grandfather said with a hard face.

"That's low father even for you." she cried out.

"You are not the daughter I raised" he said in a harsh tone. She was silent and didn't say anything else to him. Instead she turned to me and clenched my hand.

"Jeanette let go." she said and was about to start walking with me but I didn't want to go.

"But daddy hurt's me" I whispered.

"I SAID LET'S GO YOU PIECE OF SHIT" she yelled as she grabbed me and I left my grandfather. I knew I would see him again. He was the only one that would care for me. He was not my mother. He was not my father. That made him perfect. He was my hero. He was my everything. Without him I couldn't live peacefully. I couldn't breathe clearly.

I was ten. I was tired. Looking back on it now any adult would say: How could a child be tired? They would say that I didn't understand what it feels like to be tired. That I was too young to be tired.

They are wrong.

Since I came back my father has beaten me more mercilessly. I was run over. I was whipped. I was stomped on. I was burned. I was starved. I was broken in two years. The third year I just gave up. My heart felt like it was cut out with scissors and my mentality was deteriorating before my eyes. All I had was a shell. A corpse. Is it wrong to say that I wanted to die? Instead of dying I just cut. But it didn't work. His beating's were more painful than the deep cuts. I was numb to them. And that made me want to die even more.

The only thing that kept me going was my visits to my grandfather. My mother wouldn't allow it but the old man didn't care. He took me every vacation and came to visit me every weekend.

The year was almost over. My siblings were living a happy life while our father made mine a hell. But I couldn't complain. My mother wouldn't let me. She told me to see the good in everything. I only found one way to see the good in life. And it wasn't with them.

One day she got tired all of a sudden. I don't know why she felt that way because he hadn't beaten her a single time in the last 5 years. He was good to everyone except me. One day when he had beat me, she had enough. She didn't stop him. She just went to their room packed her bag and left me while I was bleeding on the floor. She had a dead expression. She said goodbye to Patton and Cameron and they cried but she didn't face me. She couldn't face me. She just walked past my limp body. When ever I tell anyone about my mother leaving me I usually say it was because she was an immigrant and that they sent her away. I said that she fought to say but they wouldn't let her comeback. But in reality she knew that Patton and Cameron would be fine. And I came to the conclusion that she didn't care for me. She didn't love me.

If she did she would have taken me with her.

To this day I remember the exact day, the time, the bag she was carrying, and the smell.

It was the 27th of November. 5:41 pm. She was carrying a tote bag with some sunglasses and a hat. The smell of that day was metal because that was the only thing in my nose. Fresh blood.

The four years after my mother left my father was more violent. He cut off all my hair off. Put me in at least 5 coma's that all lasted at least two weeks long.

I lived in a shed in the backyard now and sometimes I would just live on the streets because he would lock the shed. I was only able to go to school in France or England because my grandfather was the only one who cared about my education. That's were I meet Adam. He was the only nice guy I knew. He was a bit of a player but it was fine. I didn't want a relationship because of how crazy things were. I never stayed in Europe that long tho. While I was there I never talked to my mother either. She tried to make amends but I was too closed off to let her get inside.

When I got back to America father was suspicious. I was in the kitchen washing dishes.

"Jeanette where do you keep going?" my father yelled

" Hospitals" I whispered sharply under my breath. Unfortunately he heard me.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY" he shouted.

"Nothing" I whispered.

"Tell me what you said" he growled.

"Nothing. I'm going to the shed." I said nervously.

"Don't you walk away from" he said and grabbed me. He slammed against a cabinet and wacked me with a frying pan. I wasn't out. Just breathing heavy. He dragged me to the shed and put a piece of cloth in my mouth to shut me up. I didn't understand why. I was finished crying.

When I went to France to visit my grandfather I was in a rough mentality. I was 16. I was getting better with my fighting ability and vowed that when I went back I wouldn't be tied with such immoral acts anymore.

I was fighting one day in the studio when my grandfather came up to with my sister and a strange man.

"Hi Jeanette" she said cheery.

"Hi Patton" I waved with a small smile. I was happy to see my sister. Although she never experience the wrath I had to endure I still loved her. She wasn't the reason for my bearings, so I couldn't blame her for anything.

"Who is this" I motioned.

"Its my fiance, Jason " she said and then kissed him on the cheek.

"Nice to meet you" I said with a warm smile.

"Jeanette as you know the mafia was suppose to handed down to Cameron but he has gotten into his 3rd car accident this year and I can not have a drunk lead my group" my grandfather spoke.

"So it falls on me?" Patton said excited.

"I'm giving it to Jeanette" My grandfather said and then gave me a smile.

"WHAT WHY" Patton shouted and then looked at me with surprise.

"Jeanette is the strongest out of all three of you. She will manage it well." my grandfather said with a smirk.

"But granddad" She started to whine try and make things go her way, but the old man wasn't buying it.

"So how does this work" Jason finally spoke.

"This is a peace agreement. We are two big groups and I don't want any battles so to do that we must have a marriage established. Jeanette is still to young and so I will give it to her when she are ready and Patton is to be kept safe by you Jason for this treaty to work. Your father has already agree so its settled." the old man explained.

This was the first time I had met Jason and to be honest he didn't look like the marrying kind but I didn't say anything. I never did.

When I was 18 I was finally able to leave. It was moving day and Patton and Cameron came to pick me up. Father was still asleep. We tried to move just my clothes. I was willing to leave everything. I only wanted my clothes. My important things were with my grandfather.

All my clothes were in boxes in the living room about to be moved when he had awoken for his slumber.

"Jeanette what the fuck is going on here" he shouted as he entered the living room and saw the boxes.

"Don't worry, dad. Jeanette's just moving" Patton simply said.

"I didn't allow this." he snapped and then glared at me. Everyone looked at me and I just looked at the ground.

"Jeanette you said you talked to him first." Cameron said confused.

"I lied. Put my stuff in the car" I said with narrow eyes but no one moved.

"You will not go anywhere" dad growled.

"Maybe you should stay and when he is okay with it we'll-" Patton started to say but couldn't take anymore of this. I wouldn't.

"NO I WILL NOT STAY HERE" I yelled.

"Jeanette don't be spoiled." Patton snapped.

"I will leave one way or another. You either help me or you don't" I warned as I looked from Patton to Cameron.

"Bitch you better stay in that shed where you belong" my father also warned but I didn't more.

"No" I said firmly.

"Stop talking back" he said and slapped me in the face. I felt nothing. Patton and Cameron watched with horror in their eyes. They never witnessed this side of dad.

"Dad why would you-" Cameron started to ask but I didn't let him finish because I punched him in the gut. He groaned and collapsed.

"DADDY" Patton shouted. I wasn't listening to their pleases to stop. I punched, kicked, stomped, and choked him. I should have grabbed the frying pan, the car, the fire, the whip but they were too far away.

"Stop your going to kill him Jeanette! Whats wrong with you?" Cameron shouted at me.

"A lot of things" I growled and then ran out the door leaving everything behind. They called out to me but I was done. I went to the airport with no luggage, reached France, and started my life for the next four years. I was happy. I partyed with Adam. Went shopping with Cheri. Went to college for my degree in writing and was almost finished. All I needed was an internship. All was right with the world. I hadn't spoke to any family members except my grandfather. Then Patton reached out to me. She talked to me as though she had forgotten what happened that day at the house. I wasn't going to say sorry. This family never uttered those words.

Patton told me she was pregnant and that she was moving to Seattle with the baby and Jason. She asked me to come along. For some reason she wanted to connect with me. I struggled with my decision. I was happy here but I wanted to be on my own and get away from my mother. She was a lurking presence that was always trying to connect with me. And that was around the time that Adam had cheated on me.

I decided to go with her. Cheri went before me because she wanted to get her affairs in order. She wanted to go to America anyway. She said that she was bored in France. My grandfather was totally against it but I told him that I needed to go. I needed to fulfill my dream of being a writer. It took at least a mouth and he allowed me to go. Upon going there he recommended me to work at the best company that they had: SNI.

I went there and there was a million girls lined up. I was the only one that stood out. Everyone was wearing pieces of clothing, while I was in a pan suit. I wanted to be the last interview because I didn't know what to say yet. While I was in the line, girls came out crying and I was anxious. When it was my turn I went inside with very little confidence.

"Sit down Ms. Peterson" he said. He didn't look at me and kept his eyes on the paper. When I sat down his head finally finally looked up. I looked into his eyes and they were harsh.

"So why did you come here?" he said firmly.

"I'm here for the internship sir" I replied and shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

"I changed my mind. I want you to stand" he said.

"What?" I replied confused. I didn't understand.

"I don't want my chair to be infected with your presences." he snapped.

"Oh umm... ok"

"DID I TELL YOU TO TALK" he yelled and I kept my mouth shut.

"YOU START NOW. GET ME SOME COFFEE" he shouted.

I asked around to see where I could get his coffee and a guy named Martin kindly showed me where to go. I went to the break room to get the coffee and went back to his office.

"YOU BITCH! THIS COFFEE IS TOO HOT" he said and then he spilled it on me. This began everything. I saw the bad times with Michael. Of him yelling a screaming at me. But I also saw an improvement in my sister when she had the baby. Cheri was starting her career. And Martin was someone who always came to my desk with some sour patch kids. He eventually introduced me to his wife and kids later. When I moved in with Cheri I was suffocated. Not by her but by the house. I was staying there too long and that caused me to be agitated. So I wait till the next day so I got some jobs. I needed something to do.

Only two stuck tho. Some woman was in need of a tutor/ baby sister for her daughter in elementary and this radio station needed a host.